Which Is Worse: Backne or Idiocy?

“Huzzah!”

I’ve gotta say I’m pretty excited to be recapping this season of “Beauty And The Geek” even though I’ve never seen the show before, because if there’s anything I can make fun of, it’s 1) idiots, 2) sluts, and my personal favorite 3) idiotic sluts. And as a personal preference I seem to take a liking to nerdy (and formerly nerdy) guys, so it seems as though I’m made for this show. I apologize in advance if I make jokes that have already been made, but it’s all new to me. I suspect that over the course of this season we’ll be seeing some life-altering changes in both beauties and geeks, and hopefully by the end they’ll all realize that each side has its charm and be less afraid of one another in the real world – sort of like when Jordan Catalano started actually talking to Angela in public on “My So-Called Life.” For now, though, all of the lovelies and dorks are set in their ways, and seemingly happy to be there, from what we can see in the auditions. We’re led in our journey by a pair named Nate and Jennylee, who apparently hooked up last season. From the looks of it, that Nate is and was pretty cute, at least until he starts talking about not wearing deodorant. In any case, his season is over and he’s only here to suss out the nerdiest of nerds, first from Boston, where we meet a nice young man named Dave. He tells us that he is a LARPer, then goes on to explain exactly what that means, but I think we can all agree that if a potential “Geek” can explain what LARPing is with brutal clarity, he is in by default. If you don’t know what LARP means, good for you. Chances are you’ve been laid. One young lady reasons that she NEEDED breast implants because self-confidence is the sexiest part of a woman, and she had none before she had boobs, ergo she needed the boobs to be confident and therefore sexy. Is that how it worked for Pam Anderson? I’m pretty sure we can cut through this self-confidence bullshit and go straight to the hypothesis that big boobs = sexy. Am I right, dudes of the ‘Gasm?

From Washington, D.C., our faithful host Mike reports with an astonishing exposè montage about exactly how stupid America’s pretty girls are, and how unattractive America’s smart guys are. Will this show really just be several weeks of cliché after cliché? Honestly, one girl answers the question “What are you an expert at?” with the answer “umm… being pretty?” It’s so unoriginal it’s unconvincing.

At Duke University Nate chats up a dude whose favorite hobby is playing Risk with his buddies, while another guy has made up his own frat – Psi Phi. Get it? Sci-fi? Heh heh. Heh. Meanwhile, Jennylee wears the expression one makes during a droning conversation with a slightly senile relative – polite nodding and fake comprehension.

“Sure, grandma, whatever you say.”

Here in Raleigh we find all sorts – one gentleman named Chris (a.k.a. “Crazy C” he says in a meek near-whisper) who is so obsessed with table tennis that he refuses to let anyone (including a potential fuck) call it ping-pong, and several chicks who definitely fulfill the dumb quotient but aren’t even hot enough to make up for it. How are they getting by in life, for God’s sake?

In Chicago, we see just how far a girl can get in our educational system by not trying at all, save for the effort put forth in lip pouting. These girls can’t answer any questions about the sun, the moon, history, the American flag, rhyming, or who the current veep is. But most of our time in Chi-town is taken up by Joshua, a lovable geek who seems to have just stepped off the set of “Revenge Of The Nerds.” I know that seems pretty obvious, given the premise of the show, but he’s honestly a charicature of “dweeb.” When he’s asked to recall the last time he kissed a girl, he sighs and wracks his brain, his lips quivering nervously. Um… I think “never” is the word you’re searching for here, buddy. Then he’s asked what the sexiest part of a woman’s body is. He giggles with apprehension and looks off to the side, squirming. And um…. I think “tits” is the word you’re looking for in this particular instance.

A good trainer and some Proactiv could do wonders for him. Or just a good vagina.

Next up on the list is Arkansas. First we meet Shalandrachamp? That’s what I heard anyway. She likes to be called Chez. She’s a straight talker who would like it to be clearly understood that she does NOT do math or science problems, under any circumstances honey! She’s followed by a man who hollowed out a Nintendo and built a motherboard inside. Hey, at least he’s handy.

But here in Arkansas, with that accent they all sound like morons to me. Example: What’s your IQ? “Iownnn no. I had lahk a threy poant?” Now what the hell is that supposed to mean? But what really separates the strippers from the horn dogs is the way they all dance. The girls shake their tits, while the guys… well, they look like they’re drunk at a wedding and that Rick Astley song “Never Gonna Give You Up” just came on.

In both L.A. and Vegas, the guys don’t look THAT nerdy… kind of like rock stars who’ve never been drunk yet because they’re busy playing D&D. One magical girl, however, made a lasting impression on why nobody should do meth before they try out for a reality show. What’s your name? “Summer heheheheheheh.” How old are you? “21 heheheheheh.” What would you take to a desert island? “A swimsuit heheheheheheh.” But there’s no one else around…? “Oh! A guy then heheheheheh.” Her eyes remain totally dead as she stumbles through each answer, and even Beauty from last season can’t stand her. I’m pretty sure this is my cue to move on to the lineup for this season…

The first lady they choose is a chick with bad skin, braces and awful hair extensions. Is she supposed to be one of the dorks? Seriously, I hope they give her a makeover. The geeks really do look like geeks – no prospective rock stars here. Just your basic full coverage of all nerd stereotypes: You’ve got the Jewish virgin, the Asian who wears a bowtie, the guy wearing a vest and shades from The Sunglass Hut, the LARPer, the plaid-on-plaid offender, the skinny kid, the fat kid… the only one missing is the Urkel.

The beauties show up to the house in convertibles and breast implants, and sure enough they’re just as formulaic as their unpopular counterparts: the Playboy aspirer, the girl who’s afraid of political lingo, the babysitter, the Ultimate Hooters Girl, the girl who declares her hatred of current events. Our handsome host tells all of the girls they look good, to which they all sing in unison, “Thaaaaaannnnnnnkkks!” sounding for all the world like nine Lauren Conrads lined up in a row.

On the line for the winners of this “social experiment” (that’s a little generous, don’tcha think, Ashton?) is $250,000, so all members of each team are ready and rarin’ to go. Upon seeing their potential partners, one beauty meows affectionately, as though she’s watching a pack of lion cubs suckling on the teat of a koala bear. Upon seeing the ladies, one geek mutters, “All the smiles… all the skin…. heh heh… staggering…”

Shades is the brave first suitor, and wanders beyond the drapes looking like a Discovery Channel photog and sounding like Yoda.

“Strip or do not strip… there is no partial nudity.”

He serendades the girls and admits that sometimes he wishes he lived in a fantasy. Braceface chirps, “Sometimes I think I’m in a fantasy world too!” She speaks with the high-pitched, nasally, little-girl voice of someone whose father calls her Princess. Actually, it’s likely that all of these girls go by the nickname Princess to someone or other.

Holly goes next and she stumbles into the boys’ room giggling with the wild, giddy nervousness that most people leave behind in adolescence, in the “7 Minutes In Heaven” closet. She’s gorgeous, sweet and actually does a Betty Boop impression.

Forget the lion cubs! This girl’s adorable!

David retreats into his LARPing alter ego to impress the girls, which in fact sort of works because he successfully engages one girl in a sword fight (wink, wink). Amanda’s boobs command the cha-ching! sound effect, and Josh is the cutest but has a hideous laugh that overtakes him when nervous. Which I’m sure should not affect him in the least during this competition. Jen, an Amazonian blonde, seems like a dumbass but she can bench 135, so I’m not making fun of her. Rebecca is training to be a masseuse, and gives one lucky guy a massage that makes his eyes roll around maniacally in their sockets as she strokes his shoulders.

“My First Boner”

In an endearingly pathetic move, Joshua (not to be confused with Josh) calls his mom rather than promoting himself, because there’s nothing sexier than a guy whose mom thinks he’s hot. And finally, Jasmine is a true idiot. Her only talent is cheerleading (and she sucks at that) and she’s already wearing on my last nerve.

Everyone is anxious to see who they’ll be paired with, but first they have to spend the night… all together… sleeping under the stars.

Who’s ready to pitch a tent?

They geeks try to chat up the beauties with some scintillating conversation debating the similarities between duct tape and The Force. That’s right, capital T, capital F. You see, much like T.F., duct tape holds together the universe, by way of a dark side and a light side. Freakin’ deep, man. This prompts the girls to gather everyone together in the hot tub.

How many erections can YOU find in this photo?

Come bedtime, Holly and the other girls try diligently to calculate how many girls there are vs. how many guys, and how many cabanas, and therefore if A equals B, how many licks does it take to get to the center? Lucky Joshua gets called by a group of 4 beauties to sleep in their cabana, and while bonding with them, he notes how Amanda “caught his eye.”

Not to mention her cleavage acting as a rain gutter when a storm passed through in the night.

The next morning, the boys wake up to girls with no makeup. Fortunately they still have big boobs. Whew! That was a close one. They must complete their first challenge, in which the girls complete an intellectual skills analysis, while the boys will be given a social skills analysis.

“Intelle-wha-?” “Socia-wha-?”

First up, the boys have to draw their ideal woman. We learn quickly that boys don’t give a shit, as long as it breathes, has a vagina and a face. (well, technically they didn’t draw a vagina…) Next they have to greet a mannequin like it’s their grandmother, then like it’s their girlfriend. You guessed correctly! To them it’s the same motion. This poor fellow couldn’t even give a proper passionate kiss to a mannequin.

This is passion??? Haven’t you ever seen porn?!

The ladies are given an intelligence test by a rather grandfatherly man, who doesn’t demean them at all when they list “Boston” and “Asia” as countries. No, he leaves that up to O. Snapp. We learn, surprisingly, that Betty Boop is smart, but the rest of the chicks look as uncomfortable and hesitant at this task as the boys do with discerning boobs on a Rorschach test. Chez complains, “The guy who created math….” and I won’t even finish the quote because I think we can all agree the first part speaks for itself.

I have to say that I like Joshua the best. He really seems like he’d be the most eager and enthusiastic student of cunnilingus out of all the geeks. He scores the lowest on the social skills test, along with math whiz Chez, and since they’re the biggest losers they get to choose who will be paired with whom FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON!!! Dun-dun-DUNNNN!

After hearing everyone’s preferences, a lot of careful consideration and a commercial break, Chez and Joshua reveal that they will remain transformation partners. This may seem stupid but will perhaps work in their favor, as they will have the furthest to go, but will be most impressive in the end if they can pull it off.

The Oreo Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

As their opponents, they put Playboy and Asian Bowtie together, as well as Braceface and the LARPer. Bodybuilder Jen is put with scrawny William, who really would rather have had Betty Boop, and as they stand beside each other, Jen whispers, “Sorry you got stuck with me.” How interesting… I think that all of these gorgeous girls can be as insecure about the brains they know they don’t use as the boys are about the bodies, bad haircuts and acne that they’re stuck with. I’m also surprised that either side has a preference over who they are paired with. You’d think the geeky guys would be happy to spend time with any of the bombshells, and the bombshells would see all of the geeks as 9 versions of the same guy. This could be an interesting show after all.

But wait! There’s more! The big twist, which everyone already knows, is that the 10th team this season is comprised of a hot guy and nerdy girl! GASP! OMG you guys! What a big fucking surprise. Looks like they were dressed by the costume designer over at “Saved By The Bell.”

Hey! It’s Violet Bickerstaff and A.C. Slater!