Time for part two of the best in comments! Today we are going through February. I have been laughing all damn day putting these together. There’s a lot, so let’s just pretend I put the effort into writing a decent opening paragraph and get moving!
pixielated on Celebrity Rehab: Tom’s girlfriend looks like a man. If he doesn’t think he’s hit bottom, he should just take a look at her. Ouch!
bitchchristine on The Bachelor: (on a trip to San Luis Obispo) ….there was a rodeo going on there and there were real cowboys ropin’ steer and hanging around at the bar (truly) swillin’ beers. My husband and I’s were horrified by these redneck, rodeo cowboys as we think that these people only exist on TV.
(and again on Jillian) You know Jillian went running from this Jesus freak because the only religion she had was in the bottom of a glass.
JasonR on Real World DC: this is what happens when you have a house full of somewhat normal and considerate people . . BOOOOORINNNG!
slutty_whore on Real World DC: I need my twenty-somethings drunk and delusional.
Mr. Dangerous on Survivor: I think they should cast Russell Hantz in every Survivor from this point forward. Maybe, they could change the name of the show to Russell Hantz’s SURVIVOR?
bbjunkie on The Bachelor: never watch the show for more than 5 minutes. It is like passing a car accident on the road. You look and feel a little shame after.
itchy on American Idol: this guy has problems enunciating, so everything he sings sounds like when my wife’s toothless 94-year-old grandmother sings. In other words, it’s going to be a great season.
ProdigalCheez on Real World DC: Pocket-sized person?? WTF does that MEAN? I think Bi-Guy should employ a new rule for appropriate descriptions and comparisons directed at other people. Whatever he is thinking about saying to or about another person, he should say it to his penis first – if it flies, then I’ll buy. Otherwise, STFU and stop over-grooming your eyebrows.
thatswhatshesaid on Kell on Earth: I was kind of bored. I expected to see more people crying.
cattyfan on Toddlers and Tiaras: the one screen cap of Arianna made me wonder if BBQ Pitmasters would be featuring whatever the little girl killed…and stabbed…and skinned…and dismembered. How old do you suppose Little Lavendar Swimsuit will be before she gets her first tiny brass pole…
Cherie on Mel Gibson’s Breakdown: I’m bipolar and can’t pick a side if forced to at gunpoint. My point is…….I have no point. I just really wanted to bang Mel Gibson in the 90’s. That is all.
J-Mo on Mel Gibson’s Breakdown: Hey Mel! Get down off the cross! We need the wood to rebuild Haiti!
NotWithoutMyTV on Models of the Runway: It sucks Donkey Kong balls, but the sponsor’s happy, because some “Runway” viewers are too lazy to reach for the remote, and sometimes it just takes a 7th or 8th exposure to a commercial for Glade automatic air fresheners for them to run out and buy that shit.
Yanksfan24 on Secrets of Aspen: News: Brooke is 25?!?! WTF? I could have sworn she was about 30 at least. Not News: Laura is a psycho hose-beast.
njgasmifan on Toddlers and Tiaras: The Stepford Wives in Training program is just creepy.
fatgirlsrule on Toddlers and Tiaras: Do any of these women on the show own a BRA??
whoochile on RHOC: Nugget’s daddy’s nipples made me throw up in my mouth a little.
itchy on Models of the Runway: Man, it was always my dream as a kid to be so damn good-looking it would be okay to be stupid. Boy, did I fuck that one up.
whatever on Secrets of Aspen: I don’t get this show. I’ve tried to watch it, but I guess I need to be wasted or something.
shantigal on Secrets of Aspen: Every time I see Fetal Erin, I can’t help but think she would be a perfect match for Tamra’s son from RHOC. You know, Nuggets dad, rapey eyes, friend fondler. This show does suck, and that is exactly why I watch.
juddfan on Models of the Runway: Just because you can’t use hairspray doesn’t mean you have to be a ball smashing bitch.
indychick on Kell on Earth: hey now, we all saw (last season on the hills) how difficult is was for stephanie p. to answer the phones at P/R L.A. maybe this new technology voice mail stuff is way more complicated than we think. i mean really who among us could check voice mail – email and then actually do our everyday work…………oh everyone,sorry.
Cherie on Mel Gibson’s Breakdown: Did anyone see that South Park episode a few years ago where they had Mel all crazy and shit? He was driving a bus and nutty as all hell? I think those dudes are psychic. But I still would’ve banged him, in the 90’s. Early 90’s.
Nads on Mel Gibson’s Breakdown: and now, would you grudge bang him??
loopygorilla on Bad Girls Club: i hope at reunion, nat and portia get at each other like a 99 cent store sale.
shantigal on RHOC: Is it the botox/wine combo that gives them the false confidence that they can carry on adult discussion?
misssmiles on RHOC: My boyfriends best friend looks exactly like Ryan. I will never look at him the same way again. He will always be Rapey Eyes to me.
AnneM on Toddlers and Tiaras: I bet that little deer slayer girl will get even with her Mom and Gramma before she hits her teens.
Clair on Desperate Housewives: I think Tara Reid ala Van Wilder is more of a block of wood than Denise Richards.
ikillededwardcullen on Fantasia For Real: I’m definitely going to need you to pay for my laser eye surgery after exposing me to that screen grab of Gumby in a bikini!!!
soapboxx on Fantasia for Real: BTW you owe me a new pair of glasses. The ones I had on when I came across the screen grab of Mr. Hanky in a bikini are now embedded in my sheet rock. I hope you get paid for this shit cuz this show will lower your I.Q.
Hypnotoad on Desperate Housewives: I’m thinking Angie set fire to a panda meat factory and killed the night guard on accident. Save the pandas!
LindaLC on Project Runway: as a woman with heart disease, I have to tell you that your caption about having the women eat hot dogs and run until they collapse was uncool. I’m glad PR did this challenge.
flipit on Project Runway: i am a fat bastard and my doctor is trying to get me to be all heart healthy so i am just bitter.
CMY1186 on Desperate Housewives: Also, I think the writers have temporarily dropped the “Strangler Storyline” because Orson can’t strangle people while he’s in a wheelchair. I think wheelchair-prints would be easy to track, even for the Fairview PD.
loopygorilla on Project Runway: okay i cant wait to next week when i return to being a judgemental bitch
itchy on Project Runway: Well, being the only straight guy watching this show makes it difficult for me to judge fashion. But I don’t recall seeing so many ugly dresses in one place since my bar mitzvah. And that was in the 1970s.
(and then again) I hate when they bring ‘normal’ people on tv. If I want to look at ‘normal’ people, I can head over to the supermarket. Ick.
themiki on Miss America: I can’t imagine watching a non-drag pageant for any reason, unless it involves the exploitation of four-year-olds by their psychotic and obese mothers. Grown adults who don’t have to tuck their junk just sounds like a boring forum for a beauty contest.
fire@will on Miss America: Difficult to imagine watching this (maybe to impress an attractive woman… or to fight hungry world terrorists?)
Anonymous on Project Runway: Between Elian’s looks and his affinity for rhinestones, I’m glad to know he still has a promising future ahead as an Elvis impersonator.
ANJDEB on Millionaire Matchmaker: HER EYEBROWS ARE ALMOST AT HER HAIRLINE
dudeIrock on American Idol: LOL at ‘Suckelback,’ I am Canadian and every time I hear about those asshats getting recognition anywhere else in the world, I’m like “No, God WHY??!” I swear to you, we have so much better to offer, and I apologize on behalf of Canada. Back to the recap…
NotWithoutMyTV on American Idol: Carrie U., if you’re reading this, I’m sorry to end it this way. Our love can never be. That entire weekend we spent in the sack was mindblowing, and I didn’t mind at all about the Water Bra, but …look. The only thing we really had in common was that I saved you from that skeevy situation with Randy Jackson in the parking garage. We can’t base a relationship on that. I want you to be happy with what’s his name. So, it’s best if you don’t sext me anymore. Love Always, NWMTV
sayhuh on Lost: So I’m guessing that Richard also got dunked at some point in the iced-tea pond there. Hey, could Richard be Ponce de LeÃ³n?
itchy on Models of the Runway: Ironic that a show this dead comes from a channel called Lifetime.
Snootchy Bootches on Celebrity Rehab: Before I comment on the show, I have to say that I am a nice person. I truly try to help other people especially if they are in a bad way. Having said that… I am shocked that I honestly don’t care if Carrion ends up in a dumpster somewhere. Seriously.
Snootchy Bootches on Celebrity Rehab: Making this a seperate comment so that my girl doesn’t get tainted by that skank.
itchy on Bad Girls Club: See, I don’t think the younger set who watch this show can fully appreciate it and what it means to modern society and television. It takes growing up with The Brady Bunch and endless reruns of Mayberry RFD to truly understand what The Bad Girls Club means. And it ain’t good, kiddies. It ain’t good at all. ;-D
chooch on Bad Girls Club: HEY EVERYONE… WISH CHERIE “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” TODAY. She just hit 50, I think, maybe not, but these”Bad Girls” are aging her fast!!!
Cherie on Bad Girls Club: Just to clarify CHOOCH! My old ass just turned 42. Don’t blame chooch for her error, it’s the senility kicking in. Plus huffing paint screws with whats left of her hippie ass brain. But I still love her. Poor thing.
here4beer on Celebrity Rehab: I read somewhere that these junkies get 250K for doing the show. That’s a quarter of a million bucks!! That can buy enough meth for at least a month, if you’re Tom Sizemore.
AnneM on Bad Girls Club: I’m so terrified of Flo, I almost run out of the room everytime she threatens to kill someone. But then I realized that’s a good thing, it’s exercise and it’s my new exercise plan.
(and then on Celebrity Rehab): If you can’t even get out of bed without juice, how can you put the meth pipe down?
pixielated on Celebrity Rehab: Didn’t Tom say he had “forgiven” Heidi? I guess he forgave her for getting beaten up by him? Asshole.
juddfan on Shear Genius: And Trannylips, girl!!! I’m gonna stick you on my back side door window and drive around town terrorizing all!
Gilty Plezzur: The models all looked like Amy Winehouse’s rehab roommates.
itchy on Nads’ Interview w/ Ashley from Real World DC: The, um, screenshot for the, um, video is, um, interesting. Better hope the recappers don’t get ahold of it.
bluzgirl on Shear Genius: Tranny Lips looks like Billy Bob Thornton
interrobang on Shear Genius: What the hell is the deal with Brigaloon? Cartoon yellow hair + anime outfits + rollerskates = SailorLoon. Maybe she was trying to make her way to ComicCon and got tragically lost.
waffleboy on Shear Genius: I’m really bummed to see cameltoe on this show, because I can just picture Jackln Smith getting a phone call from her agent and saying; “let me get this straight, Mathew Mcconaughey can’t operate a condom, and I’m out of a gig?”
sayhuh on Shear Genius: I miss Jaclyn too. So you have someone who combines the apparent personality of a mop with having sweet, lazy-sounding Portuguese as her first language and with practicing most of her English with that most brilliant-sounding, fastest talker of our thespians. And someone thought that she would make a good TV host. Alrighty then…
Lissadoll4eva: There are three people on this show that need to have their reproductive organs removed.
waffleboy on Jillian Michaels Tricks Fat People: Okay, the pills actually working was just plain silly, but please tell me that electric gizmo that shocks my belly fat works, because I just picked up a poop load of batteries.
JimbobJones on Jillian Michaels Tricks Fat People: Why did you go the expensive route, Waffleboy? I just stripped some wires from an old lamp. I’m using it now. I’ll be thinner in no time. Hey, who’s cooking bacon? Mmmmmm…. bacon. Sorry, lost my train of thought. DAMN YOU, JILLIAN MICHAELS!!!
reckless_saturn_11: I will miss Rene and how he said shake it, sound sort of like Jodi Foster learning how to talk in Nell.
itchy on Shear Genius: What’s next? A competition for bikini waxers?
margo on Bad Girls Club: I’m surprised Ambeer didn’t mistake the bidet for a drinking fountain
NotWithoutMyTV on Kell on Earth: I really wonder if the whole fashion industry is one big, gigantic joke being played on the rest of the “non-fashion” populace. I mean, Kelly Cutone, a sociopath and proudly unattractive woman, does PR for FASHION SHOWS. Does that seem like it could be real to you? I think Bryant Park is a huge prank. All the fey lispers and funky dressers and weirdos with European accents are like “we play this joke every fucking year, and it just keeps getting bigger! Even Heidi Klum comes to it, now.”
njgasmifan on Models of the Runway: I think my lungs are about as orange as the kids from Toddlers and Tiaras. Some people spray tan, some inhale cheese curls…..
chemgal: I was impressed with Ambeer’s medical skills in diagnosing cootie licking disease.
twunty mcslore on Secrets of Aspen: I love how you give this show all the respect it deserves. ie: none. Gotta go. Got a Lobster Gobster Mobster Flobber to attend with some trannies. Those take FOREVER to get ready for.
njgasmifan on RHOC: Remind me not to attend one of these “drama free” parties in Orange County – these chicks can’t stop at a hot dog stand without some bitchslap going down.
reckless_saturn on RHOC: He gets to enjoy a beautifully toned body and she has to give a blow job and look at his dumpy body.
Pegster on Project Runway: I honestly had no idea that there were two boring, talentless, young brunette girls until they were standing next to each other as the bottom two. I guess my mind just blanded them together.
waffleboy on Project Runway: I’m calling shenanigans on the Picture Perfect bit. We all know Angie is only going to steal your design if you’re spending all your time hanging out with Courtney Cox, and waiting for kickass scripts like Marley and Me instead of using your uterus that momma gave you. Then again, eventually those designs will become unhappy, grow hobo goatees, and Angie’s legal team will sue the poop out of people who say are unhappy, but you won’t be able to enjoy it, because you’ll be dealing of the fallout of John Mayer giving an interview where he refers to himself as an old soul, but implying that you’re just old. And that is why I don’t go to Ross Dress for Less any more, well that and I’m banned. Wait, what the hell were we talking about?
PottyMouth on Trashback: it’s for lovers. And I hate lovers. All that kissing and hugging and shiny happiness? Please nuke them.
fire@will on Bad Girls Club: Broke my ankle playing roller hockey. Strangers would ask about the cast, and I was just glad my explanation wasn’t something like “tripped over a sleeping whore on the way to the outhouse”.
NotWithoutMyTV on The Bachelor: Three signs that someone is mentally ill:
1) They refer to themselves in the third person.
2) They are bound and determined to act as their own lawyer.
3) They want to do an “interpretive dance” for you.
Fairchild on Fringe: I like my coworkers too, but that doesn’t mean I want to spend my free time playing Monopoly with them.
itchy on American Idol: You might as well enjoy the weepy-my-folks-were- gangbangers-boo-hoo boy now, because I just don’t seem him getting all that far. Sure, he sings okay, in a generic Gokey way, but he lacks Gokey’s Born Again/Dead Wife strategy. Meanwhile, he’s even uglier than Gokey, if that’s possible. Watching this guy fugly my screen each week is going to be torture. Although I bet he’ll do some amazing douchebag moves during the group sings, so there’s that to look forward to.
pixilated on Marriage Ref: What would getting marriage counseling from Alec Baldwin be like? Would he call you a pig and then threaten to kill himself if you didn’t change your ways and get along?
sammy64 on Millionaire Matchmaker: I think smagma is just a slut. The way he went in to kiss chad (I’m straight btw, but I don’t know if noticing this makes me even more gay than the gays themselves haha), he just went in so hard tongue out and started hooking up like it was 4am at some dirty club. I was visually offended and remember running into my kitchen screaming “Smike you skanky skanky gay man!”
itchy on Models of the Runway: I had a thought: since models tend to be anorexically thin, they probably don’t menstruate. So the only thing left to sync up is their digestive systems. Which leaves me wondering if they all fart at the same time. Which also makes me wonder what happens when Heidi Klum farts? I remember when my wife was preggers, damn, she could clear a room. This is why I like this show: it gives me so much more time to think about things.
SexyPanda on Millionaire Matchmaker: So THAAAAT is why I’m supposed to know who the weird fat monkey fucker is.
garypayton on America’s Best Dance Crew: I couldn’t take a single thing Omarion said seriously because he reminds me too much of Urkel’s smooth alter-ego Stefan Urquelle.
shantigal on Toddlers and Tiaras: That had to be one of Kim Zolciak’s wigs.
BEEZUS WAX on Project Runway: She actually looks like she came straight off of a 60’s space ship. (I’m sure 60’s aliens had a different style from 90’s aliens)
Mr. Dangerous on Kevin Smith getting kicked of a plane for being too fat: If the guy sitting next to me is FAT and CUTE I don’t mind if he rubs up against me but that’s just the perv in me. Everybody else — I need my space.
wintersux on Undercover Boss: OK, first of all, it takes the biggest kind of douche to says things like “you’re gonna have to play my reindeer games”… Dude is lucky none of the girls has stabbed him with a broken beer bottle
HandyManda on Undercover Boss: My SIL has the best reason for disliking Hooters food I have ever heard, “I just don’t like naked women handling my food.” LOL
soapboxx on Survivor: I will not be able to stomach a Jerri/Coach showmance, if they mate she may give birth to a cloven footed devil baby.
pappy44 on Survivor: don’t ever use amanda (my true love) and russell in the same sentance again…unless it is something like amanda just beat the shit out of russell…that would work…
tv freak on America’s Best Dance Crew: I’m a sucker for b-boys…
tv freak on America’s Best Dance Crew: Edit: I’m a sucker for break dancing crews…The 1st attempt at that sentence sounded a bit wrong…
considerthis on Real World: Next on the Real World…
Josh discovers he has a third nipple and guess what so does Odrama.
Callie confesses she was raised by ducks and stangely enough Odrama was raised by geese.
Andrew has an eating disorder and is helped by Odrama who is overcoming bulimia herself.
I DARE anybody to find a SITUATION that Odrama has not been there done that and was WAY more traumatized by it.
TechnoTard on Kell on Earth: I thought I was going to roll on the floor when the little fat guy swallowed the crystal. I’m surprised he didn’t pull out a pipe and lighter. Then he said something about “it’ll come out in the doodie” like anybody in their right mind would want it back after that
belladivision on Celebrity Rehab: I kicked heroin a few times
themiki on Shear Genius: As for the host this season: This is why models don’t talk. Thank you for being hot and Brazilian, but please STFU! Thank you.
palm715 on The Bachelor: I watch this show on Hulu. When you click on the link you can see the “tags” the folks at Hulu add. The programmers there must not think much of the show¦
Tags: the bachelor, desperate, fake love, no morals, pathetic
radicalred on Millionaire Matchmaker: okay, I’m a nail technician so I must comment on Gummi’s feet. I have only seen one pair of feet that were worse than those (that wasn’t an example of some horrible nail condition in my textbook that is) belonged to a 70-year-old man that was wearing flannel, work boots & had huge, crusty whiteish-yellow tube socks. I was new at the salon, had only worked there a month or two, so I had no idea that I had the option to turn down a client if I didn’t feel comfortable. instead, I sucked it up & put on a pair of vinyl gloves. his toenails were BRIGHT yellow, about an inch thick – and twice as long – and had huge ridges. needless to say, I didn’t eat for the rest of that shift.
I feel so, so, SO sorry for the nail tech that was working on Gummi! good god! and with a freaking staph infection!!! that makes me want to rip his hair out. I wish the monkey had. hopefully she just threw all her equipment out afterwards & bought new stuff. that’s what I did.
Faryellis1 on Millionaire Matchmaker: My boss is so dayum hot it’s distracting and he has got NO GAME. He is so humble and shy which of course makes him hotter and me more distracted. Take now for instance, instead of actually working I am posting comments about how hot he is and he is sitting right next to me babbling on about some engineering something or other. I think I’m going to tell him he’s hot (brb) ….. He smiled and said “thank you” Did I mention he has an accent; yep, this is my burben. He’s getting up, I’m going to look at his butt (brb) … yep, that’s hot too.
NotWithoutMyTV on The Bachelor: When I was on this Japanese reality show (it loosely translated as “Hot Young Dumb People and a Can of Cheez Whiz”), I was the victim of the “bitch edit”. It hurt my feelings, and I felt victimized that I was betrayed that way.
Fayellis1 on Millionaire Matchmaker: I put a note on his keyboard that said “Do you like me, circle yes or no” and he circled “yes” … Good Lord I better not see him naked on pay day. I really should try to work harder on something other than a sure fire sexual harrassment lawsuit.
loula on Keeping Up With the Kardashians: I hope he strangles himself in his stupid, ridiculous James-Spader-in-1986 sweater he keeps tied around his shoulders like that’s something real people actually do.
Prodigal Cheez on Real Housewives of Orange County: She should stay away from leather in general, she’s sporting it all over face and body as it is.
Memememe on Project Runway: It is possible that Nina DOES eat kids: which made it gagworthy when she professed knowledge of what kids like and don’t like during the judging. Gurl, please. Who do you think you’re foolin’?
sayhuh on Lost: Hey, Locke DOES have hair somewhere… we assume. Don’t tell him what he can’t wash!
scrappyscrapper on Keeping up with the Kardashians: For the love of all things holy, I just can’t believe that Scott is real. I swear, I think he signed a contract with E!, saying that he would make Spencer Pratt look like a fine gentleman, compared to himself. Scott just takes douchy-ness to a WHOLE new level.
NotWithoutMyTV on Toddlers and Tiaras: Dressing your child in scanty, suggestive clothing, slathering on the makeup, and making her perform the bump and grind before an audience. Stay home and slap the shit out of your child in your own home. Both actions are child abuse. But one costs a whole lot less.
kittkatt357 on Celebrity Rehab: One last question: Dennis’s daughter looks EXACTLY like my five year old, does that mean that my boyfriend and I are ugly?
chemgal on RHOC: slutty_whore – (have to admit, my sense of humor is so 7th grade male that I am giggling typing in that screen name, plus I gave up swearing for lent, so know I don’t know if I have to do penance for even typing it?? anyone up on your catechism enough to let me know??)
suedisco on Tool Academy: I used to play kickball against a team called “Backdoor No Babies.” Nice to see that getting some additional use.
cattyfan on American Idol: Maybe I’m getting too old, but could someone explain to me, what does “go, Pooter” mean?
shantigal on Shear Genius: J-Mo, will you please, please, please write a mini-romance novel for us titled “Fellatio in the Underbrush”? Please?
NotWithoutMyTV on American Idol: P.S. Ellen does not belong on this show. When fucking RANDY is more qualified (on paper)than you, how you dare show your face on American Idol is beyond me.
P.S.S Kara, what we had was just the once. Stop sexting me. Thanks.
here4beer on American Idol: The only person I remember and really like so far this season is Crystal Bowersox *(I EVEN REMEMBER HER NAME! That NEVER happens!!!) There’s no way she can ever, ever win, but I’m still rooting for her and I’m glad the AI staff made her brush her teeth a few times.
classy drunk on Bad Girls Club: I love Natalie, but then again I tend to like the “villian” b/c with out them there would be no drama. She was just clearly out of her jurisdiction. She runs L.A…not Santa Barbara. I am sure that it was a misunderstanding that the police officers of Santa Barbara weren’t notified of her arrival.
considerthis on American Idol: Bring back the fat chicks!
aholic on Amazing Race: bBitz – I can’t believe we’re so far apart in our opinions of the cowboys. I don’t love them at all. I was very ready for them to get the boot by about the third “oh my gravy”.
chemgal on RHOC: Putana is not Italian for pretty!!
cansnuts on American Idol: Haeley’s tongue is way too wide for her mouth. So distracing.
shantigal on Shear Genius: Happy B-day J-Mo. Oh girl, you’re just a pup. I know in gay years it seems like death, but I know you have your wonderful BF and you can eat whatever you want!
(and again on Drag Race): That dumb ass pile of hosiery & press on nails Tyra really does not get it.
cattyfan on American Idol: Americans don’t mind that simian look. Case in point: David Archuleta. If ever there was a Monkey Boy, he’s it.
wasabipeas on RHOC: count me in on the fight for Hubert. I am a sucker for men with blue eyes and long white hair. Its a Santa thing.
gerritv on American Idol: I think America is giving Tim a chance to sing without his football helmet next week in the hope it will improve his tonality.
jimbobjones on Lost: Oh, and I think there should totally be a cry-off between Jack and Will Schuester from Glee. Hell, that’s what caused the tsunami in Hawaii. I’ve never seen so many tears from men since “Sweatin’ to the Oldies”.
And we’re done with February! Come back tomorrow for March!!