Hypnotoad here again (Desperate Housewives shameless recap plug). I dove right in and waded through all of your fantastic comments for May 2010. 140 comments on one ep of Real Housewives of NYC alone! What the heck happened on that show in May? Did Jill Zarin eat a puppy or something? Geez. Anyway, here’s the funniest comments of May 2010! Enjoy.
messystation on Celebrity Apprentice: Where were the Rock of Love skanks we were promised???
Mr Dangerous on About Last Night: I, of course, would use my supreme intellect to decipher the coded messages in Russell’s rants. Think about them and then, of course, turn into SILLY putty and ask him if he wanted me to give him a pedicure.
SugarbearlyThere on Real Housewives of NYC: I’m going to get another screwdriver and photoshop Jill’s head on random animal bodies. It’s just that kind of Sunday.
reckless_Saturn_11 on The Hills: Heidi seriously looks like the character Rocky from that Cher movie, Mask.
ReiRay on The Hills: I’m always disturbed when I see Heidi’s face as I feel with her cheek implants she looks like the villian from the MST3K movie Soultaker.
itchy on Survivor: Oh man, I was in the middle of commenting this morning, typing one of the funniest comments I’ve ever made, and the site went down for its sex change.
here4beer on Michelle McGee: I’m Totally a Good Person: OK so let me get this straight… it’s OK to be a home wrecking slut for a couple with 4 kids, but if they have FIVE kids? No fucking way!! Nice to know there’s a line in the sand.
Mister Dangerous on Survivor: As for Colby, honor and civility are wonderful qualities if you’re Ashley Wilkes in GONE WITH THE WIND but this is reality TV. Screw those qualities. This is for a million dollars.
AnneM on Jersey Shore: At least sue them for their criminal lack of good taste in clothes and the way they murder the English language.
kaykrenee on Amazing Race: You CANNOT tease us with secret knowledge!
NotWithoutMyTV on Top Chef: Whoever dresses Gail for these Top Chef shows has always hated her.
here4beer on American Idol: P.S. Why is my avatar Vanilla Ice? lolololol Word to your mother.
So, um . . . what IS it like, having a roni?
k37744 on I’m Alive!: Strep is the worst. Make sure you finish all your meds, even when you feel better…and watch your ass around Nellie Olsen.
Melissa Wray on Bones and Boners: In other news, whoever allowed Gloria Allred to become a lawyer is a fucking moron.
waffleboy09 on American Idol: Thank you for pointing out the OrganiJoplin back tat. When I first saw that all I could think was when did Crystal join the Yakuza?
leslilly on American Idol: It really is saying something when the only judge NOT on my last nerve is Randy.
NotWithoutMyTV on American Idol: Seacrest will soon be our overlord. So we better start showing that creepy little plastic asexual hostbot some damn respect.
“Sacrifice your good taste and dignity unto me, my children.”
Ziggy on Top Chef: The 2 story Whole Foods is in Pasadena. They opened it up a couple of years ago and I’m too scared to go in. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to leave without placing a second and third mortgage on the house and give up my firstborn….
Mister Dangerous on American Idol: Oh, BTW I think Randy is turning into an old, black lesbian. He might think about cutting back on the necklaces.
Olivia on Real Housewives of NYC: I hope Lu Ann purchased plenty of that rejuvenating cream from Ramona to cover her two faces!
Twunty McSlore on Real Housewives of NYC: She’d be cowering behind the couch on all fours with a nice pool of urine dribbling down and staining her Manolos.
here4beer on The City: Listen, there’s no shame in thinking Justin Bobby is hot. I even thought he was hot when I could smell his BO through my TV.
Sorry, but . . . Sexiest. Douche. Ever.
chemgal on Glee: As you are a Britney fan, you should check out her recent nude photos . . . they are my new motivation to get my ass on the treadmill everyday!
FloOo on Real Housewives of NYC: Now I just need to see her fall on her ass, and ruin a $6,000 freebie outfit (and a tray of free cupcakes and lambchops) while she’s at it. Maybe shit her pants on camera whiles she’s falling to the ground.
NotWithoutMyTV on V: The writers of this show should seriously think about lucrative careers in the hair and nail color technology, medical assisting, or hospitality industry.
boladasa on Real Housewives of NYC (re: the reunion special): Miss Andy is going to need to set up an open bar to get through this one.
reckless_saturn_11 on Top Chef: J-MO the lesbian readers thank you for the breast shot.
scottywrangler on Pretty Wild Star Gets Jail Time: Until this chick came along (I only see her on The Soup), I thought Paris Hilton was as bad as it gets.
Yeah. So did we.
cattyfan on The Amazing Race: Sexual frustration makes people bitchy.
Elisa on Desperate Houswives: Just once, I’d like to see a killer on television who comes from a perfectly nice background and kills people just for the heck of it.
Nads on Who Will Replace Simon?: Big Mike needs Simon’s Tummy Tuck.
Mila on Desperate Housewives: patrick is a really lame terrorist. like, in the 20 years of terroring he didn’t even learn how to make his own bomb! or befriend people who can.
krschumm on Survivor: I love the new site, but as I am typing this itchy’s post is listed as “4 of 3 Comments.” Does that mean it’s superior? Above all mathematical calculations? Cool.
itchy on American Idol: When Ellen read her prescripted “already loved a women” line, I wanted to reach into the screen and choke her stupid chicken-faced head off. And also (not about Ellen but equally hilarious): And is it possible for one human being to look more like an over-toasted marshmallow?
I do believe that I’ve already submitted previous evidence of this.
chemgal on Real Housewives of NJ: People in glass houses shouldn’t throw ravioli.
shantigal on Real Housewives of NJ: These women . . . They make Leatherface look like a Rhodes scholar.
njgasmifan on Real Housewives of NJ: Watching this show is like doing pennance – I don’t enjoy it, but feel I must do it.
ubiquitous on In Case You Missed It: Betty White On SNL: SNL is STILL doing the single-entendre talk radio skit?
itchy on Idol Results: I thought they brought Daughtry on to show to the other contestants that it really doesn’t matter that they all suck, they can still make a good career making boring middle-of-the-road rock music.
renee on A Female Entourage?: uhh, yeah, done, it was called sex and the city?
fire@will on Idol Results: Darn! I was hoping they’d send Ellen home!
JudgyWudgy on The Hills: I hate that I’m saying this because it falls along the lines of defending JustinBobby, which I SWORE I would never do! But……..I think he has a job. Brace yourself, because it might just make him worse in the eyes of some people, but I think he’s a hairdresser.
Theo on Survivor (re: Russell): He must have a micro-penis.
Ropes on Lost: Thank you for pointing out the fact that Sun and Jin totally forgot they had a daughter as they chose to romantically die together.
“I can’t help but think there’s some reason one of us needs to stay alive . . .” “So we can guest star on FlashForward?” “Oh, eff it, I already have Hawaii Five-0 lined up gurgle gurgle blargh.”
NotWithoutMyTV on The MTV Movie Awards Nominees: The MTV Movie Awards are to movie awards what tofutti is to ice cream.
flybsbgirl on The Hills: I am really annoyed Heidi and Spencer are on this show still and are such a major aspect of it. I do not like them, I do not like watching them, I do not care about them, I do not like knowing they are making money doing nothing but being really horrible people and they both make me sick and I really hope I never have to see them anywhere after this season but Im sure that wont be the case. But really: I take that back, I wouldnt mind seeing Speidi on MTV again would be if they had to check in to Dr. Drew’s for some Life Rehab. Now that would be a great show.
miss_cuckoo on The City: And now I know why I’m still single! I whip out pics of my dog on my dates! But in my defense, I’d probably have a better time with my dog than some of the guys I’ve been going out with.
G on Love Games: At least that tattoo can easily be changed to satan!!!!
Nikki on Glee: So…..does Kurt’s dad just always drive up to the school and wander in the hallways to tell Kurt of his nightly plans?
“So, I’m gonna change the oil on the Ranger and then masturbate. Again. Chili sound good tonight?”
Mister Dangerous on About Last Night: Survivor: Uh, where did you find a picture of Russell smiling? I must have missed that one minute in 28 episodes when he was happy.
Clair on About Last Night: Survivor (re: Russell’s pic): I was going to say that he’s just farting, but then I realized he was smizing…
martiny59 on About Last Night: Survivor (re: Russell’s pic as well): Lol, erect nipples too. How scandelous!
vallegirl on Dancing With the Stars: I’ll raise my hands and say I don’t find Maks hot. Great body, no doubt but he looks like a Ukrainian Jughead minus the hat. And he’s kind of douchey.
“Здравствуйте, я український Jughead і я, як гамбургери”
itchy on American Idol: This season of American Idol makes even Mayberry RFD seem exciting.
NotWithoutMyTV on Wanda Sykes: Another One Bites The Dust: Wanda Sykes’ comedy is redundant now that every romantic comedy features a sassy black best-friend character.
Mister Dangerous on Survivor: If I were Jeff I would have worn a plastic glove when accepting that Idol from Sandra. Ewwwww. I’m sure it had some of her boob funk on it.
skatt on Real Housewives of NYC: I hope to go my entire life without ever saying:”HOW DARE YOU!!” to another human being. I mean, it’s hard to get more cliche than that.
DonnaRonna on American Idol: Finally, does anyone else notice that Simon’s hands are prissy jazz hands?
We . . . we don’t know. We were distracted by . . . something else.
ohralphie on Top Chef Masters: Thank you for another hilarious recap — I raise my Whopper Jr. to you, sir!
LibraCyn on Real Housewives of NYC: Kelly could have a best-selling book, called The Official Kelly-to English Dictionary!!
njgasmifan on Real Housewives of NJ: This season really is boring. I would suggest a drinking game where we chug every time Theresa talks about sex, but thinking of her having sex makes my stomach contents want to come right back up – so that would just be a waste of good booze.
NotWithoutMyTV on The City: One of the reasons I’m so looking forward to the zombie apocalypse is that useless fuckbags, like the ones on this show, will be the first to get pulped. When the zombies destroy all our infrastructure, being able to “pull clothes” and “confirm an appointment with Fergie” is going to mean absolutely dick. We don’t have to outrun the zombies, we just have to outrun Kelly and her merry band of retards.
Mister Dangerous on Survivor Finale and Reunion: As a final tribute to Seasons 19 and 20 I wrote a poem. I call it:
Ode to Russell Hantz by Mr. Dangerous
Russell Hantz, Russell Hantz, Russell Hantz.
You start a fire in my underpants./
Bad boy, bad ass and mean demeanor
/Now you leave me so much leaner/
Russell Hantz, Russell Hantz, Russell Hantz
/Your name puts me in a trance.
/Our Thursday nights were such a blast.
/I’ll miss your pants falling off your ass.
/Russell Hantz, Russell Hantz, Russell Hantz/
You start a fire in my underpants.
/You’ll always be my SURVIVOR King
/You’re the only SURVIVOR with any Zing
/Russell Hantz, Russell Hantz, Russell Hantz
/Your name puts me in a trance.
Anne McGill on The Hills: Maybe Spencer should go under the knife and have something implanted, like a conscience.
baffled on Top Chef Masters: If my world ever got to the place that this crap was all I had to eat, I would look FANTASTIC in 3 to 6 months.
themiki on Top Chef Masters: I date lesbians, so I know first hand that some of them really are heinous wastes of vaginas, but a lot of them are actually friendly and likable.
cattyfan on American Idol Results: By the way, how is Lee being a paint salesman a better story than Casey recovering from a nearly fatal accident? Nearly fatal accident really should beat bastard baby in the story department, too, since shucking out a kid is something thousands do every day.
itchy on American Idol: Yeah,I noticed the braces too. But since I looked exactly like her at that age, I didn’t, uh, say anything.
So long dental plan! Lisa needs braces! So long dental plan! Lisa needs braces!
Chooch on Dancing With the Stars: What about Brooke “Boobs” Burke? Those chesticles were in my face ALL night!
HappyHousewife on Dancing With the Stars: Dude, Chooch, I know, right? I meant to throw in a line about how she looked like a “sunshine sausage” with that yellow dress on. Who shit in the costume dept’s cheerios last night? They managed to make EVERYBODY look fat, even those that aren’t.
itchy on American Idol: Being “way better” than the rest of this year’s bunch is like comparing my shit with my cat’s. Mine smells better, obviously. But still.
vallegirl on Dancing With the Stars: I thought the crane was taking Kate up to the rafters so she could sleep hanging by her feet and that’s why she was happy? No?
Dogsnaxx on American Idol: I just received word: Tyra Banks is replacing Cowell next season! They’re renaming the show “America’s Next Top Nondescript White Dude Who Plays Guitar” and one of the theme weeks is going to be all about smizing correctly during a sad song.
here4beer on The City: Side note- why does Olivia always look like she’s holding in a fart?
here4beer on Wow, The Countess LuAnn’s Video: I really love that she’s singing “money can’t buy you class” while laying on a bed with 6 men. If gangbangs aren’t classy, then I don’t know what is.
cattyfan on So You Think You Can Dance: Where do the dancers find all the nondescript, angsty, whiny, boring music? Is it a new genre at I-tunes?
Consider the market cornered.
That’s it for May 2010, folks! Stay tuned for the rest of the months of this fabulous year! Keep those hilarious comments coming!