This time of year is amazing because we get to wear ugly sweaters, binge without whining, and we get a lot of free shit no matter what our beliefs are. It’s also when we take a moment to be thankful for what we have in our lives.
Living on the internet can be a little strange. You fall in love fast, you break up hard. You find people that understand you in ways that no one in your family or friend circle ever could. Mostly cuz you would never show the real world the real you. When I found TVgasm, I was in a bizarre, misunderstood place in my life. I would come here and laugh my ass off with sarcastic people about all the bullshit in the world and it made me feel…well, whole. In a sick way. And now, all these years later, here I am laughing my ass off with sarcastic about all the bullshit in the world. I don’t know if I’m more whole than I was back then, but I’m certainly…older. And balder. I forgot what I was talking about.
Point is, I thought it might be fun to put an article together of the best comments of the year for this New Years. But…um…there were 1300 pages of comments in 2010. Glad I started early. To avoid a ninety page article of your best of moments, we will be posting the faves in chunks every day until present time, starting Jan 1, 2010! Thank you guys for being here to point at and mock TV with us. The laughter you bring to this place is irreplaceable. – Flip
Our first comment that killed this year came from bluzgirl. Is it really a surprise that she became one of our best recappers? Enjoy!
bluzgirl on Bad Girls Club: People like Batshit are the reason other countries hate us.
NotwithoutMyTV on Top Chef: Because no one has yet brought me the head of Andy Cohen, I’ve raised the bounty to SIX gold dubloons. That’s right, 6 nice shiny gold coins for Andy’s fly-blown, rotting head.
Other unclaimed bounties:
Opra Winfrey’s big fat head: 6 dubloons
Jeff Probst’s head: 4 dubloons
Tyra Banks/Kate Gosselin’s heads: 2 dubloons apiece, or 3 as a set.
Tewwible Towby: A $10 gift card to Wal Mart.
Shantigal on Secrets of Aspen: God bless America and it’s never ending supply of trashy skank hos.
and then again: Is there a skank mill in rural Colorado? Who in the hell is breeding these ho’s?
fire@will on Desperate Housewives: It was worth watching, if only to see the radical makeup on Terry Hatcher. (Usually, I have to marry a woman to have that effect. LOLAMOJBRCOTI) Karl was one of the best characters… sorry to see him go, but at least he was spared being married to Bree!
chooch on Kate Gosselin’s Makeover: ugh… those hair extensions are a nightmare. Go back to the possum head!
Ethel-to-Tilly on Jersey Shore: did anybody else think it was incredibly thoughtless of Mike to make steak and corn-on-the-cob for someone who had just been punched in the face and had a very sore jaw? Obviously the guy doesn’t have a whole lot going on upstairs.
teri00 on The Bachelor: Oh lordy, I swear this show makes me realize that it can be OK to be single.
Dear Crabby on Top Chef: I’m pretty sure Scar cut one
AnneM on Secrets of Aspen: I think the lack of oxygen makes the fake boobs float up in the air.
sammy6 on Real World DC: the ‘girl’ dorkey brought home looks like the second coming of chris farley!
considerthis on The Bachelor: OK cast your vote for the worst “present” Jake received. I am torn between peacock feather, dirt, or Cambodian phone sex introduction. I know there were SO many more….
NotWithoutMyTV on Hannah Montana: Mylie left her retainer in my room last night.
pixielated on Tabatha’s Salon Takeover: Doesn’t the drag queen in the salon chair on page 2 look like Martha Plimpton?
mick on Jersey Shore: I’m fascinated with Snooki. She’s tiny, orange, loud, dumb, and can’t seem to drag a guy home for the life of her.
dragonfly on The Bachelor: i must say i am disgusted and enthralled all at the same time. like a train wreck and lady gaga…i CANT TURN AWAY!!!
jennaboa on The Bachelor: they should ban balconies from this show, stat. (and then, on the subject of a sensitive boyfriend) Yes, he was a bit scary obsessive about salmon, but I was young and he looked like Rafe Fiennes, sounded like Sean Connery and had the body of an extremely pale Greek god — it took two years of his bloody crying all the damned time before I left. I doubt he noticed as Celtic had once again won the league and his team was once again last. And I’m sure somewhere in the world, a salmon cried with him. Wah.
juddfan on Desperate Housewives: Just gotta wonder if Felicity can tell what a selfish, insatiable bitch Lynnette is!? Maybe there’ll be another plane with better aim . . . .
twunty mcslore on American Idol: I think they should replace Simon with Joan Rivers and Randy with Starr Jones and change the name to American Midol.
NotWithoutMyTV on American Idol: Once Obama’s Death Councils get passed into the new healthcare bill, a lot of these people will have already been euthanized, which should result in a much shorter auditions period.
fire@will on Desperate Housewives: Great recap. You are one of my top fifty gasm writers.
msjacqmills on Heidi’s plastic surgery: She succeeded in making herself look like a washed up Playboy Bunny. way to age yourself 15 years, doucherella!
sardini on Fantasia for Real: The whole “get her GED and make something of her life” idea annoys me. Um, isn’t winning American Idol about the height of getting your shit together?
Tadow on Models of the Runway: so….confession time. I WAS stoned when I watched this and I thought slutty’s song was genius, lol
fire@will on Keeping Up With the Kardashians: This just proves dogs are smart enough to fake illness in order to escape from a scary, life-threatening situation.
NotWithoutMyTV on American Idol: If it sounds like I’m bitter because my own bid for Hollywood failed to thrive before I could even make a sexy carwash-themed Hardee’s commercial, well, that’s your problem, kay?
twunty mcslore on Secrets of Aspen: Poor Brooke. She’s so misunderstood. She’s not really a hooker, you know. She’s just a penile social worker. Other social workers get paid, why shouldn’t she? Besides, who hasn’t blown a few guys in order to afford botox injections?
whoochile on Real Housewives of Orange County: Let’s chip in for some Latisse for poor Tamara’s MIA eyebrows, maybe her life will now be complete.
itchy on American Idol: Personally, I think God just watches endless re-runs of Forever Eden, while drinking beer and scratching his balls.
hypnotoad on Desperate Housewives: I think Penny is the strangler.
wasabipeas on Millionaire Matchmaker: Note to self: If someone comes to pick you up on a date in a garbage truck, DO NOT GO OUT WITH THEM!!!
technotard on Millionaire Matchmaker: Hey, girls are stupid when we’re young! I met a guy driving a Camaro once. I was like YAY. He picked me up for our date in his mail jeep, took me to a bring-your-own-meat barbeque with his friends, and didn’t bring anything to cook. I’ll never forget him saying “I’ve got Diet Coke” – yep, a 2 liter bottle for about 25 people. Some poor girl took pity on me and gave me a pork chop. Lesson learned. I wouldn’t do it again even for a millionaire, especially a cheap fucktark gay one.
Shantigal on Models of the Runway: By the way, I’m Croation, and yes, we are mean. ;p
njgasmifan on Project Runway: Mila reminds me of a Romulan extra on Star Trek.
sardini on Real World: Nice recap. I would have quit after last week.
mamabear2cubs on Jersey Shore: What’s up with Snookies 5 o’clock shadow?
bitchchristine on The Bachelor: You could have recapped your hot mess of a self.
2MuchBravo on Toddlers and Tiaras: I didn’t really think standing in a trash can was much of a talent.
shantigal on Little Miss Perfect: I wasn’t aware that this site had any standards.
NotWithoutMyTV on Real Housewives of Orange County: we have to remember that marijuana is a gateway drug. I, too, used to use pot as a party drug. It started out innocently enough. Then, I only used it to “mellow out a harsh day.” Next thing you know, I’ve spent the last four hours on the Internet, so cranked out on meth that I can’t even use Google to search for “Gretchen’s boobies”.
The turning point for me was when, after a prescription-drug fueled rave, I woke up covered in blood. I called police and told them that “I’ve finally gone and done it. I murdered Andy Cohen.” Later it was found that what I had really done was vomited 2 liters of Hawaiian Punch all over myself while I was unconscious. The rehab clinic said I could have very easily choked to death.
Baxter on RHOC: who wants to get undressed in front of your co-workers……then you put your work clothes back on after you get sprayed?? Maybe here in Pittsburgh we do things differently.
reckless_saturn_11 on RHOC: I blame my lack of attention on the hash brownies that Lynne and Frank brought over to welcome me to the neighborhood.
ProdigalCheez on RHOC: I think Pawn Preacher and his odious wife met and cheated with each other while they were both with other people. Obviously they’re both cheating liars, so it figures they don’t trust each other – Jesus loves that shit.
marijai on Little Miss Perfect: I’ll never understand why a mother will give her daughter a name that sounds and is spelled like she’s a stripper and then encourage her to get on stage and shake her butt while looking like a pre-teen street walker.
waffleboy09 on Spartacus: If you liked 300 but wish it hadn’t made you think so much, then this is the show for you.
pappy44 on The Bachelor: ok, i have to tell you about my wife…who is much more conservative than me in the things she says…when they were like “and the third time is all the way” we were like, wtf does that mean? And my wife goes, “maybe it is a genitle kiss”!
classy drunk on Millionaire Matchmaker: Taylor and Tyler left two full glasses of wine on the table. That made me angrier than the Jewche bag.
fatgirlsrul on RHOC: Does anyone rememmber that back in the 60’s it was rumored that tupperware parties were just an excuse for lonely housewives to get together and have lesbian sex with each other? I do.
sayhuh on Project Runway: I had to mull on what that “handlebars” caption means for a while, and I’m still not 100% sure that I got it, but the mental picture I’m getting from it ain’t pretty (because Ben isn’t) and hey, you’re not wearing your Pong Memorial Day sheet in it, either. It also has you moving your legs bicycle-rider fashion, which I’m pretty sure can’t possibly work in that situation, either. I’m totally confused (but then again, I’m a 40-year-old straight woman).
cattyfan on Project Runway: I tried celebrating National Pong Day by wearing a stiffened potato sack cut too short and slashed in the back, but I got tired of sticking to the chair when I sat down.
sexypanda on Millionaire Matchmaker: He must have really small arms in general, like a tyrannasaurus, because his shirts were ALWAYS swimming on him in the armpit region. Poor kiddo. Good thing he’s rich! Too bad he sucks!
pixielated on Project Runway: Yikes! I think Kors needs to get his face tightened.
blazergirl on Keeping Up With the Kardashians: I was so disappointed we didn’t get to see Scott get his ass kicked. The thought of him in the boxing ring was so extremely entertaining, I was bummed that it didn’t actually happen.
baffled on RHOC: Ah, the good old days when you COULD knock some sense into kids.
And on that lovely longing for the days of good old fashioned beatings note, we’re done with January, 2010!