Bethenny Ever After: Butt it’s Christmas

Hey y’all!  It’s Christmas time in Bethenny Land and it’s another holiday she has to deliberately make room for in her life.  Let’s see how she does!

“So if I bump New Year’s and we skip Valentine’s Day…”

Ah we’re still in Malibu where some crazy surfer die hard is catching waves in a full wet suit at Christmas time.  Julie brings Bryn in to wake Bethenny up and Bethenny has a new product line she’s trying out, which are boy shorts with built-in butt pads to make your butt look perkier.  Apparently Jason’s always telling Bethenny she’s too skinny, so she wants to wear these around today and see if he notices.

“I’m suddenly Kim Kardashian.”

First though, let’s try them out on Napoleon, who slept on the couch for some odd reason (more screen time?).  Maybe it’s another example of Bethenny swallowing whole the people who work for and around her instead of maintaining a normal distance.  She even tells us she wants to keep Napoleon because he’s sweet and house trained.  So anyway, she stands near the couch holding Bryn, butt to Napoleon, posing, shifting her weight, hand on hip, and finally she asks if he notices anything… like does her butt look bigger?  He’s finally like, “Oh yeah, it looks like a skater’s butt.”

“Strangely like my own.”

Jason arrives and is completely amazed by the house.  And the fact that Napoleon is now a sleepover friend.  Bethenny says she’ll give him the tour and immediately starts wagging her butt around.  Jason says she looks a little juicier and Bethenny claims it’s from skating.  Jason is entranced, thinks it looks great, and can’t stop staring at it.  Bethenny keeps bending over to show him stuff.  They joke about needing a couple of minutes to talk in private, and finally Bethenny shows Jason that it’s artificial.  He’s totally deflated.

Over to the practice rink!  They’re getting ready for the finale, and as I learned on YouTube, each team got to pick one of their previous routines to re-perform for the finale and show off how much they’ve improved.  Bethenny and Napoleon have chosen their very first routine to recreate with a few more difficult elements added.  I have to say again that Bethenny’s gotten really good at this.

“So Napoleon, are you going to work for me when this is over? Are you?”

Next is Christmas tree shopping at a Christmas tree ranch.  Naturally Julie and Dawa come along because this is the closest to Christmas they’re going to get.  The guy who runs the tree ranch looks like Santa Claus, so Bethenny is all over it and hands Bryn right to him.  Bryn doesn’t cry because, well, Bryn never cries.

“Am I getting another nanny?”

Santa hands Jason a hand saw and Jason immediately starts swinging it around and freaking Bethenny out.  But they find a tree for the Malibu palace.  Then Santa wants to take just Bethenny and Jason on a special pick-up truck tour of the ranch.  This has the added benefit, I’m sure, of showing America the greatest Christmas tree ranch in Southern California.  There’s this makeshift wooden bench built into the bed of the pick-up truck and Santa just cruises around blissfully while Bethenny, Jason and Cookie are tossed all over the back of the truck.  I guess this is why Bryn wasn’t invited.

Cookie’s safety wasn’t such a concern.

Santa takes a break at the top of a huge hill, and Jason takes the moment to tell Bethenny how much happiness she’s brought to him and his family, and how much he loves her.  It’s really sweet and Bethenny cries and says that Jason’s made her so happy too.  And now Santa lets loose down the steep hill while Jason practically craps his pants.  Chicken.

Later at the palace everyone is trying to get the Christmas tree upright on its stand.  It keeps tilting and swaying and this totally reminds me of my (brand new) husband and me putting up our first Christmas tree.  It took forever to get it balanced just so, and then he went to bed and for some reason I was still up and sitting on the couch.  I happened to look over at the tree and it started falling down on me.  I had to jump up and catch it so that it didn’t smash our living room furniture to pieces.  The next day we had to go out and get a more complex tree stand to keep it all centered and balanced.  We’re still in the romantic phase where having a real tree is much more important than the ease of having a fake tree.

And Bethenny and Jason are all romantic as well, wanting to make Christmas very special for each other and for Bryn.  The next thing they do is take Bryn (and the servants) to some sort of Christmas carnival where everyone wears their pajamas.  Part of this includes a “ride” on a train to the North Pole.  There’s a girl dressed as an elf who will be their tour guide.  She brings them milk and cookies and asks if they want to hear a bedtime story.  Bethenny is very impressed with this little actress and asks her what she does in the “summertime,” wink, wink.

“It’s never summertime in the North Pole.”

The elf goes, “We have to build the toys for all the kids!  Because we work every single day of the year.”  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  Bethenny’s like, “She ain’t breaking character for nothing… unless she is a real elf.”  So then Dot the elf reads ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas to them and Bethenny invites her to come home to New York with them.  Just think, Dot the elf, you could give up your own life entirely and dedicate every moment to implementing Bethenny’s!

And later, Bethenny has planned an ugly sweater Christmas party and has gathered ugly sweaters for everyone.  Jason’s has some huge gold Christmas tree on the front with actual chains attached for the ornaments.

“Quick, my time allotment for Christmas is almost up!”

Once the help has gone to bed Jason and Bethenny snuggle in front of the fire and Bethenny has once again left an entire spread of food very close to the floor, so Cookie helps herself.  Score another one for Cookie! She’d probably like to move to Malibu for the short coffee table alone.

“I love the beach!”

Skating with the Stars finale!  We get a couple of snippets of Bethenny’s routine and she tells us again how hard this has been and how much more grueling than she ever expected, but that she committed to herself, her fans and Napoleon.  She did great, but the other couple won.  And honestly, they were better.  Bethenny was awesome, but the other girl was really just better.  Apparently she ice skated when she was young.  But Bethenny is very gracious to the winners and to Napoleon and is sweet about the whole thing.  To us she says Napoleon is the only thing she’ll miss about Skating with the Stars.

And back in NYC, foodie Nick has submitted his first entry for the food blog on Bethenny’s website.  She reads it out loud and we get to hear bits from it… and it’s freaking awesome.

“He MUST join the empire.”

He’s written it as a descriptive narrative about their trip to the food fair.  It reads like a short story and is very well written and entertaining.  Bethenny is beyond impressed and immediately calls Nick to insist that he officially becomes her part time employee.  He’s all cute and awkward and calls her Ms. Frankel.  They make plans to go out to a nice dinner.

Over their nice dinner, Bethenny reminds us of how she didn’t hire Nick to be her assistant.  She says she couldn’t picture him carrying her dresses around and coming to all of her stuff with her because really all he cares about is food.  And here he is explaining the difference between Cantonese and Mandarin food.  Then he asks Bethenny for advice on the fact that his girlfriend just broke up with him.  Oh, how sad.

“She didn’t like communicating only in writing.”

They were together for a year and a half and Nick admits that he was a bit needy in the relationship.  Bethenny says she’s been there and it sucks because when you’re needy, the other person pulls away, which in turn makes you more needy.  That’s totally true.  She tells Nick that he doesn’t strike her as the type who’s going to walk into a bar and pick up chicks, so he should try on-line dating.  Especially because he’s such a great writer.  But that he needs to be authentic about it.  Also, he should concentrate on himself right now, and when he feels like a whole person, that’s when he’ll meet the right girl.  That’s really sweet of her, and very good advice.  They toast.

Guess what time it is folks.  It’s time to start the Skinny Girl Tour!  This means the Skinny Girl tour bus and everyone on Bethenny’s payroll is packing into that bus.  Bryn gets to wear a cute little track suit for the occasion.  It’s freaking adorable.

Same outfit she’ll wear in an RV in 70 years.

We meet Jackie, who was an intern for Bethenny who has just graduated from college and is ready to become a full fledged assistant.  So she was around all that time that Bethenny was seething over Max?  How many people does it take to buy her underwear, for crying out loud?  Anyway, we also meet Brian, Bethenny’s agent, who is here with luggage – so he’s coming too.  As they step outside paparrazzi are snapping pictures of the beginning of the tour.  The first stop is Red Bank, New Jersey.

What would the Countess think, darling? Such self-promotion.

As the bus pulls away, Bethenny tells everyone on the tour that there will be no pooping on the bus.  Brian’s like, that’s fine.  Everyone else is just quiet.  Then I hear a sound I don’t think I’ve ever heard before.  Bryn is crying.  As Bethenny runs to comfort her, she breaks something.  Apparently it’s not a big deal, but Jason tells her it will cost a thousand dollars to fix.  Ha.

When we arrive to the first theatre on the tour, Bethenny is thrilled to see her name in lights and to learn that the entire theatre is sold out.

Tomorrow Jill Zarin for a rebuttal.

They do a sound check, get Bethenny into hair and makeup, and meanwhile all these people are arriving for the show and sipping Skinny Girl margaritas in the lobby.  It’s very exciting and as Bethenny struts out onto the stage to start the show, we end the episode.

Next week!  The tour continues!  It looks like we’ll get to see parts of it and hear Bethenny answer questions from the audience.  Also, this may be the big Skinny Girl sale.  It’s also the season finale.  See you then!

Sooo, this episode wasn’t too exciting.  Seemed like a lot of filler if you ask me.  But at least there were no tantrums or meltdowns, so that’s a plus.  What’d you guys think?  Still hanging in there with me?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta