Bethenny Ever After Recap: Crazy Moms and Awesome Closets

Well, as you can imagine, considering the only real drama the show has been promoting this season just tidied itself up last week, things are pretty hunky dory.  Bethenny takes her staff (Julie, Jackie, Maggie the intern and Veronica), minus Dwayne, to a “working dinner.”  That’s in quotes because of the amounts of sex and white wine that takes part in said dinner.  The boat trip pre-boat drama is discussed, and I’m left wondering why the girls would waste time talking about the load-in when I realize they don’t consider the therapy, Jason’s nausea and the couple’s general discontent “drama.”  Bethenny describes the situation as “Therapy Light,” which makes me want yogurt for some reason, and she and other women agree that Jason likes therapy, but he just won’t admit it.  Julie agrees and confirms by saying that Jason is by nature, a talker – he likes to talk things out.  See, this is why girls shouldn’t get together and discuss men who aren’t there – it results in this kind of logic.  Jason might be a talker, but he doesn’t like therapy because it means he has to be analyzed while he talks – his words, not mine.  And if he’s analyzed while he talks, he might be proven wrong about stuff, and if he’s proven wrong about stuff, he’ll start losing what little ground he has left in this relationship.

And he didn’t start out with much to begin with.  

I’ve seen this before in a guy I used to work/occasionally make out with.  I hope/don’t hope he’s reading right now.

They talk about relationships some more and assure Bethenny that hers will work out.  Then Veronica and Stacey arrive, and it’s time to talk about Stacey’s fucked up relationship for a minute.  At some point in a previous episode she detailed why the relationship wasn’t working, and now it is.  Great!  New topic.  Bethenny blesses the dinner telling HER girls how they’ve made her into a girl’s girl, and previously she was more of a loner.  Veronica objects to the idea that any of them are girl’s girls even though they’ve just spent the entire evening discussing relationships and their feelings.  I would’ve objected to the possessive nature with which Bethenny speaks to her “friends,” but I probably have different priorities from someone who allows their title card to read, “Glammy.”  Damn Gasmii, I love me some Bethenny, but this whole dinner was basically, “With success comes a staff, and with a staff comes friends who can’t leave.”

 I might cross-stitch that shit onto a pillow for inspiration.

Some other day during the afternoon, Paulo, Bethenny’s dog walker (whom she loves and is part of their family, blah blah blah – is there anyone who just works with B and doesn’t get sucked into her universe?) comes to walk Cookie, and Bethenny grills him about the dog’s behavior.  According to Bethenny, Cookie never misses an opportunity for mischief, and we flashback to the scene at the beach a few episodes ago when Cookie went after a waiter’s pantleg.  Paulo politely says that Cookie is plenty well-behaved with him and doesn’t point out the obvious fact that when a dog is handled by someone who knows what they’re doing, they’re pretty easy to manage.

It must be a slow work day, because Julie says that Cookie might be a different dog with Paulo, so they should go to the dog park and spy on the dog.  I’d make fun of this, but they actually put on platinum blond wigs and sneak up to the dog park in some kind of awesome Laverne and Shirley-esque adventure, and I can’t stop laughing.  This is the kind of scripted reality I can get behind.  Seriously, they put on wigs, and seem to be trying to costume themselves by putting on four different scarves each (Julie’s got one on her head, her neck and a few on her purse).  Bethenny tries to also wear a scarf on her head, but Julie calls her out for stealing the idea and interviews that if she tried to steal one of Bethenny’s ideas, she’d never hear the end of it.  Nice work, Jules, stand your ground wherever you have it.  You can do that – you don’t depend on Bethenny for sex, just money.

Sorry, Boo.

The best part is when they crouch in the bushes by the dog park (“Smells like dog shit,” whispers Bethenny) and see that Cookie is completely well-behaved.  Until she sees her owner btw, and isn’t fooled for a Goddamned second by her whack-ass costume of hair and scarves.  Julie and Bethenny hightail it out of there and I salute both of them for making me genuinely titter.

APPLAUSE!

Back at the apartment, Bethenny and Jason discuss going to Cabo for her birthday.  Jason’s learned his lesson and is perfectly happy to just lie around, drink margaritas and eat chips if that’s all his wife wants to do – and it is.  And unless they filmed this scene six months before or after the boat trip, things really do seem to have improved since.  The entire scene is the couple joking around about sex, basically.  Jason is down for Cabo and makes sure to confirm that he will be getting sex for Bethenny’s birthday.  Bethenny’s all, “It’s my birthday, remember – why am I giving you a gift?” and Jason interviews quite astutely that, “It’s come down to this.  She’s giving me a gift.”

THEN Jason’s all, “At this point, I just try to catch you before you put in the mouth guard,” and the whole thing devolves into sexy mouth guard poses and them deciding to do it with the mouth guards in because he wears them, too.

Caption THIS!

Gasmii!  I just remembered why they have a show!  Because they’re both Lucille GoofBalls and awesome to watch together.  Aw, B – I think the boat trip helped OUR relationship, too.

Commercial!

New day, new employee.  Bethenny’s hired a closet consultant to analyze her current closet situation, so the new closet situation can be as perfect as possible.  But the fun part about this segment is wondering what Jason thought when he got a glimpse of the very real OCD that Bethenny has when it comes to her clothing organization.  Bathing suits are in plastic baggies, shoes are stored in the kitchen pantry in plastic containers with pictures of the shoes on the front.  Jeans are labeled and stored by style (skinny, wide, flare, oh my) we’ve all seen the bagged lingerie.  B interviews, just a liiiittle too forcefully that everything must have its own place and be snug as a bug in a rug.  I… jiminy.  Bethenny herself says you never really know a person until you step inside their closet… and now we know you, B.  For better or for worse…

Incidentally, in Jason’s closet there are unexplained hankies, a shirt from (we think) China, and the awesomest change jar around – it actually counts out your change as you put it in and Jason has $91!!!  Nine-year-old Alejandra wants one so bad!!!!  Also in Jason’s closet?  Jackie, who’s helping Bethenny along with the closet lady.  Not only is that bad, but so is the discussion on national television about what Jason sleeps in.  Nothing, btw, in case you missed it.  Jackie’s boyfriend is the same way, and I’ll bet he’s super happy I know about it.

With that, it’s a new day and a new thing to do for the new place.  Bethenny and Mariette are going shopping and they stop at the gayest lighting store in Manhattan – Venfield.

You have matching DOGS???

The owners are exes, but have worked together for 20 years and are professional enough with each other that they earn Mariette’s stamp of approval (one that will not be going to Architect, I’m guessing).  Bethenny loves shopping with Mariette, and so do I, kind of.  B’s right when she says that Mariette’s a ball buster and treats her like a daughter.  Awww!!  They push each other’s buttons – Bethenny makes sex jokes and Mariette rolls her eyes whenever Bethenny ohs and ahs at something shiny, which is kind of a lot since they’re in a lighting store.

And then it’s time for the dogs to come out and I forget everything but how fucking ugly and awesome Chinese Cresteds are.  And I don’t care if that’s grammatically incorrect to capitalize – look at this fucking thing and tell me it doesn’t deserve un majuscule.

#thingsthatmakeGodgiggle

Commercial!  And time for yet another segment in which Bethenny makes it easy for other people to call her a tyrant.  She takes all the women on her staff (and Dwayne) to a self-defense class because a lot of them are, “kind of meek.”  B!  You don’t like nasty tabloid gossip!  Either stop reading it or stop doing things like this that make you look like, well, what they make you look like in the tabloids.

Everyone who was at the dinner is there, plus Dawa, who’s worked enough this week to earn a field trip from baby care.  Dwayne is customarily hilarious, inventing words (laxadal=lackadaisical), asking everyone if they’ve ever been in a fight, etc.  When asked why they’re all there, Bethenny calls her staff afraid of confrontation, submissive, and gets diarrhea when there’s a problem.  Not surprisingly, everyone is really good at self-defense given the literal tons of pent up aggression they must have working in a tiny office with a huge personality who just kind of insulted them.  Dawa, in particular, kicks ass, and Bethenny leaves the lesson learning that quiet does not necessarily mean weak.  I predict that revelation will not be followed by this one: Loud does not always mean strong and is sometimes just obnoxious. Eh, can’t win’em all.

Later on, Julie and Bethenny are heading to another renovation meeting, this time with Architect and Construction man (I think…).  But, along the way, B’s publicist sends her the drama for this episode – a link to an article in Star Magazine featuring an interview with Bethenny’s mom, Bernadette.  B Sr. lips off in a truly horrible way about how Bethenny is obsessed with money and success and her marriage to Jason is headed for divorce.  Also?  Bernadette says she invented the SkinnyGirl Margarita.  NO YOU DIDN’T!

THIS GUY DID!  LIKE, A CENTURY AGO OR LONGER.

I have to say, B Sr. is obviously desperate and full of crap to an astonishing degree, so no one should play into her hands by commenting on what she says, BUT – this is fucking America and we’re in the middle of a recession – if you’re obsessed with money and success you just might get some, and that ain’t nothin’ to sneeze at nowadays.

Sadly, and I can’t even imagine what Bethenny’s going through because my mother is 342 shades of awesome, Bethenny reveals she hasn’t spoken to her mother in well over a decade and they haven’t had a relationship since Bethenny was 14.  What’s even worse is that B is still really hurt by all of this, given that she spitefully says she’ll never speak to her mother again.  I would imagine that it’s pretty hard to let such comments go when they come from your mother.  Julie’s in my boat – she can’t even remotely relate to what Bethenny is going through.  So… let’s go talk closets!

Seriously, right after that exchange Bethenny has to head into a meeting about the apartment in which Construction Man tells her that her closet – the one she’s dreamed about – sucks, and they need to get rid of Jason’s man cave in order to make it work.  Uh-oh…  This is all shades of bad not only because Bethenny’s going to look like a total cunt taking away something her husband wants for something else he probably thinks is the height of frivolity, but also because if they get rid of the man cave, the TV has to go in the main room, something neither Bethenny nor Jason wanted.  I could see that – it wasn’t until I moved out of my house and into dorms/apartments that I was introduced to the phenomenon of a living room/tv room in one.  It does get kind of messy to have your relax-y room be your receiving room.

Anywho, Bethenny is pretty much at the end of her rope right now, and the last thing she wants to do is have Jason angry with her, so she tells Construction that he has to call Jason and break the news, but keep her completely out of it.  She’s practically quavering at the thought of coming home to Jason accusing her of being selfish on top of her mother being batshit crazypants.  So Construction calls Jason and fails miserably, leading Jason to roll his eyes (you can hear it in his voice, I swear) at the prospect of losing the man cave and just say, “I want whatever Bethenny wants.”  Bethenny puts her head in her hands knowing she’s in the doghouse for this one, and orders a cocktail.

And now it’s time for another field trip so Bethenny’s class/staff can better themselves.  This time it’s for baby CPR (I know how to do that!  Red Cross Certified Babysitter, y’all.), and the most interesting thing that happens is that Dwayne introduces himself as a father with four OR five young kids.  Ha!  Officially drinking the Dwayne Kool-Aid.  Commercial!

Ugh, time for therapy.  The only kind I’m interested in is my own, frankly, so these are getting harder and harder to recap.  This one is especially hard.  Why?  Because we get to talk about the few good times Bethenny had with her mom (getting dropped off at the roller rink on weekends and hitting up McDonald’s after), juxtaposed with how Bethenny was forced to watch her mother fight with and get beaten up by a husband or boyfriend.  It’s truly terrible, and my heart goes out to her.  It would go out to her more if Bravo hadn’t played sad, trauma music in the middle of the revelation like I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about such things, but you win some, you lose some.

The session boils down to the fact that Bethenny felt very alone growing up and it taught her to be alone in life. The roller rink was a second home to her.  Don’t blame her.  You can get away from things a lot faster on skates.

We leave therapy behind like it never happened and arrive at the new apartment to discuss the final verdict on the closet vs. the TV room/Jason’s man cave.  Everyone is there – like, everyone.  Architect, Closet Lady, Construction Man, everyone!  Bethenny illuminates Jason on the fact that she has no closet space and that could affect the resale value of the apartment.  Also, apparently the “man cave” is kind of small anyway, so if they leave things the way they are, they’ve got two shit solutions basically.  Small closet, small cave.  Eventually, and I know you were all curious, the closet gets voted in because of the “resale value” and the living room becomes the TV room.  Jason doesn’t look that upset with everything, to be honest, so yahoo, and Bethenny admits that she never wanted a large TV in the living room so she wound up compromising, as well.  Ha!  I don’t think it’s a compromise if you wind up with almost everything you want and the other party winds up with almost nothing they wanted.  Commercial!

Finally, so we can end on a note that isn’t parental neglect and emotional abuse, Bethenny decides to teach Glammy how to roller skate.  To be honest, this is awesome to watch – Bethenny’s doing what I’ve always wanted to do!  Roller skate on hardwood floors!  I mean, I really want to do it on the ceiling, but Calvin and Hobbes didn’t invite me over when they were hanging on the ceiling.  Bitches.

Okay, we’re gonna do this for 5 minutes, then it’s my roller rink again.

She is pretty fabulous on skates, I must say.  I never watched her on (ice) Skating with the Stars, but she does a fucking cartwheel on (roller) skates, and for my money that should have won her gold right there.  When I’m on that show, I’ll just cartwheel around the rink and dare those motherfuckers not to give me 1st place.  Promise to vote for me!

Next time, Ellen guest stars and insults Bethenny’s parenting a little.  Love!