Bethenny Ever After Recap: Gina’s Back!

Guess who’s back, back again,
Gina’s back, tell your friends.

This is a doctored photo of Gina actually “working.” 

This episode was a giant snoozefest, and it kind of seemed like Gina didn’t hang around long enough to build a whole episode around her, so there was her scene (which was AWESOME) and then a lot of filler.  Here’s hoping there’s some drama, or at the very least entertainment in Mexico (perhaps the family of the man who actually invented the Skinny Girl Margarita will have formed some kind of Mexican cartel and the entire thing will end up like that episode of No Reservations when Anthony Bourdain and his crew had to be evacuated from Beirut.  Here’s hoping…

We kick it off with more apartment stuff as Bethenny invites Designer Jr., Brooke, to her home to give the other woman an idea of how frugally Bethenny lives.  In her two bedroom apartment in Tribeca.  On the island of Manhattan.  Brooke doesn’t realize that what she’s really in for is a subtle rebuke for trying to spend all of Bethenny’s hard earned money on shit Ms. Skinny Girl can totally afford.  B?  If this is such an issue, just go to your beloved Crate and Barrel and get it over with.  Brooke’s just doing her job.

Bethenny interviews (showing a large portion of white bra under her sleeveless sweater – fashion faux pas – if you’re gonna show bra, it can’t be white and you should probably be under 30) that she’s packing for Mexico, taking care of Bryn, running her business and taking part in a massive renovation – she’s the ultimate multitasker.  What if she develops multiple personality disorder like Kate/Connie on “GENERAL HOSPITAL”??  Reality gold!!!  I can just imagine her wrapping her hair in some pajama pants and starting to speak with a Carribean accent when she takes care of Bryn as Mina, the baby nurse alter.

 Don be cryin’, Girl.  Mommy’ll be back soon.

The two women sit at the dinette and Maggie joins them to take minutes.  Bethenny picks and chooses pieces to buy and let go, pretty much based on whether or not they’re outlandishly priced.  Brooke’s face falls right to the hardwood floor when B rejects a pair of $2300 nightstands, and moans that it’s sad – they’re such nice pieces.  Bethenny interviews that Brooke is great at spending other people’s money -why should she care, after all?  It’s not her bank account that’s getting debited thousands of dollars?  Uh, no, just her and her mother’s professional reputations.  If I were Brooke, I’d be more than a little over Bethenny’s “I was once poor, so I shall maintain my integrity by rejecting the expensive pieces I hired you to find.”  I’d hand her a map to Pottery Barn and scoot off to people who had their “Ooops, I’m rich now!” guilt complexes under control.

But Brooke is a better woman than I, and quietly goes along with what her client wants.  When it comes to decide some bench or lamp or something, B calls in Jackie and Julie to come and weigh in.  After chatting for a bit and offering opinions, Julie tells Brooke about the move and Brooke nearly breaks into tears.  Whoa.  How much of a buffer is Julie between Bethenny and the rest of the world.  Brooke strikes me as a woman who can actively control her emotions, and she flat out says she can feel an ulcer coming on at the thought of Julie leaving.  Ha!  Brooke is her mother’s daughter.

After apartment stuff, it’s time to meet with Jim Beam to discuss new flavors of Skinny Girl Cocktails.  Skinny Girls is the leading brand of healthy bottled cocktails, but that means that there are a much of “cheater brands” out there trying to steal thunder.  Ridiculous!  Why can’t people cultivate a little originality these days??  Bethenny Frankel and Bethenny Frankel ALONE came up with the idea to use natural ingredients to make cocktails, so everybody else stop copying!!

And you just stay niiiice and quietlike, got it?

The taste tests are brought out, and there are like, 12 of them.  I want to work for Jim Beam.  I want to work for Jim Beam so bad.  There’s a pina coloda that’s pretty popular (and if you watch Chelsea Lately or scour Youtube for interviews with Bethenny, you know that it gets made), but it’s the white cranberry cosmo that takes the cake.  It’s a priority to get a vodka drink on the market, so Bethenny’s all, “Bottle that shit and let’s talk launch party.”  I can’t decide if Jim Beam is happy to have someone so decisive to work with or if they just feel pushed around.  Personally, I enjoy working with people who know how to make decisions.  Impatience is a quality Bethenny and I share.  So are intolerance of fuckwads and undying love for Bryn.  What?  She’s SO FUCKING CUTE.

With that, the ball’s a rollin’ for the white cranberry cosmo, and what I hope will be a fabulous season finale in Aspen.  Commercial!
We’re back to apartment business as Bethenny, Architect, and Contractor head to ABC Stone to pick out… stone.  It’s all about marble slabs in this one, and I have to say, I got as frustrated watching this segment as Bethenny did being in this segment.  She’s hired a team of people who neither work together nor seem to like each other, so communication is a problem.  After hitting up Waterworks in the previous episode, she and the Gomez Girls decided to put marble slabs in the bathroom but also have some kind of mosaic tiling as well.  But Bethenny can’t remember if they wanted to put slabs on the floor of the shower or the wall of the shower or just crumbled up in corner of the shower, and the Gomez Girls apparently have not gotten the information to Architect and Contractor.  So basically, it’s Bethenny and a bunch of dudes standing in the middle of a lot of rock trying to decide what the fuck to do with it.  When Bethenny calls Brooke, Brooke says that it’s slab on the wall and mosaic on the floor, and she has to get off the phone because she’s with a client from Bel Air who’s not going to give her shit for $2300 nightstands.

Bethenny interviews that she can’t fathom why no one in the situation is communicating with each other, and I think it’s because the guys don’t like the Gomez Girls, and why hurry a job when you can slow it the fuck down and make more money?  Yeesh.  Decisions are finally made, and marble is picked to be put in the shower that it’s in the master bath of the glorious penthouse that will soon be the House that Bethenny Built.  We hope.

In an equally frustrating position is Jason, who’s trying to do something for Bethenny’s birthday that doesn’t make her sob.  Apparently she wants to change the setting of her wedding ring, but Jason thinks it’s weird to do that two years into their marriage.  So do I, considering how “frugal” Bethenny wants us to think she is.  Jason looks at a necklace that looks like something Nan Flannigan would wear to bed, but eventually decides that he doesn’t want to disappoint his wife two years in a row with a lavish and thoughtful gift, so the ring will get a makeover.  Probably for the best.  Commercial!

This is the general idea, but with diamonds.

We return to the segment I’ve been waiting for all damn season – GINA!!!  Also, we get Gina and Bryn TOGETHER and I think I’m going to die of excitement.  First Bryn says “Hi, Gina,” to Gina, then she goes right into the woman’s arms, then she says “What’s up?” and Gina says, “You so fresh,” and it’s great, Gasmii.  All future segments featuring the dill holes associated with the apartment remodel should be replaced with Gina/Bryn time.

Basically the whole segment is Gina saying a bunch of crazy shit with a Carribean accent, and it’s as hilarious as you’d expect.  Let’s give it a rundown.

Shapewear:  Da Butt Floss ya sent ova is too big.  I need a medium, not a large.

Dating:  I’m lookin’ for complexion for da connection or a good black dood.  And musn’t be gay.

Julie Leaving:  It’s all right for a black chick to come down to Pennsylvania for your weddin’?

After everyone’s had their fun Gina time, Julie and Jackie take the baby and Gina and Bethenny talk.  Gina wisely deduces that Bethenny is stressed out of her mind and that Julie leaving is only making things a million times worse.  They have a heart to heart and I don’t know if Gina planned on playing therapist on this get together, but that’s what happens.  Bethenny breaks down in tears because she’s so completely exhausted and Gina sweetly loves and encourages her.  I could say something obnoxious about how Bethenny makes literally everything about her, but Gina puts me in such a good mood that I find myself moved and touched.  Thank goodness she’s only here for a bit, or you guys would leave me for another recapper who wasn’t so darn sappy.  Commercial!

Ya mess with me mind, Girl.

Funny Bit of the week!  Let’s teach Cookie stairs!  Bethenny bribes Cookie with treats to try out the steps, but Cooks doesn’t trust the new-fangled contraption and hides under a chair after sneaking as many treats as possible.  Love that dog.  Might as well be a cat.  Commercial!

We return to Bethenny and Jason sitting next to each other on the couch not talking.  They could just be working next to each other quietly, but the show doesn’t miss an opportunity to point out troubles in the marriage, so Bethenny interviews that they aren’t connected and it hasn’t been a good week.  And to top it off, Matt Hesse (hot nutritionist) is coming over to go over some of the Skinny Girl foods.  Jason greets the guy with a hug and I remain satisfied that Matt and Bethenny are not sleeping together.  Which is a good thing, because I would hate to cut a bitch.  What?  Lots of people have soulmates they’ve never met.  Right, Matthew?

Bethenny tells him that the snacks need to be ready to go in some capacity by the time the Aspen launch party happens, so they can get on the stick with marketing.  Matt deems that doable, and it’s on to taste testing water boosters (those little powder packs you can use to make your water more fashionable and interesting) and vegan… I don’t know, power bars?  Anyway, it’s all good, and despite some mildly uncomfortable flirting, Jason seems to be on board.  He doesn’t say much, but he interviews that at this point, given that he’s not an official part of the business, he doesn’t think it’s his place to contribute a whole lot.  He decides to sit back, learn as much as possible, and if it’s appropriate at the time, he’ll voice an opinion.  Jason’s awesome, and has excellent survival skills.  Ugh, time for therapy.

This is bullshit, Gasmii.  I think the Gina segment should have doubled as the therapy segment, because that’s exactly what it was.  But no.  I still have to sit through serious TMI and more tears as Bethenny tells Dr. Amador not talking to her friends about anything that’s going on in her life and how alone she feels.  Dr. Amador insightfully reasons that if she cuts herself off from the people around her, she will feel alone.  Applause, applause, Dr. A.  As for Jason, they’re having difficulties communicating because, according to Bethenny, Jason just starts getting upset and they don’t end up talking anything out.  I have a feeling that part of that is that Bethenny’s idea of communication probably involves some, shall we say, harsh language?  At any rate, it all boils down to Bethenny keeping things inside to avoid fighting, and once again, we’re back to the idea that Jason is more together than Bethenny is, and most of what’s wrong in their relationship is her fault.  She cries that sometimes she thinks she should just set him free so he won’t be stuck with someone so damaged.  Aww, B.  That’s not true.  Gah!  Where is all this sap coming from?!  Damn you, Gina!

We return from commercial to end with Bethenny heading to Milk Studios for a Self Magazine photo shoot.  She gets to be on the cover and considers it a great honor.  The Editor-in-Chief pops by and they have YET ANOTHER therapy session.  It’s contrived and treacly and there’s lots of the editor saying, “We all have our lumps, but you just have to take them and move on.”  Bethenny?  Chin.  Up.  You’re in a makeup chair about to shoot the cover of a magazine.  Please crack a damn smile, because I can’t take another episode of this.

Next week:  Bethenny’s miserable in Mexico.  Come back, Gina!!