Aaaand we’re back! Hecho en Mexico Round Two. Things start off ideally enough – all the girls are still there, and Jason and Bethenny join them for a big breakfast that features a briefcase full of jam. Not kidding. I want to live in Mexico if that’s the jam situation. Julie briefly mentions needing to sit down with Bethenny and go over some packaging, and you can literally hear Jason’s hackles rising. Luckily, any proceeding tension is avoided by the return of Valentin, the salty beach merchant. He’s hawking jewelry this time, and the party wanders over to take a look at the silver and turquoise he’s got to offer. Bethenny likes an elaborate necklace so much that she actually has to step out of the haggling because she’s too emotionally involved. Then Jason tries to haggle, but Valentin isn’t having any of it. I think he’s pissed that instead of negotiating with Bethenny’s breasts, now he’s negotiating with Jason’s face. Not what I’d call an upward move. He completely stonewalls Jason, and the group heads off without the (pretty gorgeous) necklace. Maybe tomorrow…
See, if I point right here to your wrist, I can make it look like I’m staring at the bracelet, but really, my eyes are perfectly lined up to check out your fabulous chi chis.
After breakfast, Veronica takes the baby and Jason and Bethenny head to couple’s drum therapy. I like how a drum lesson becomes therapy by replacing the word “lesson” with the word “therapy.” It’s cute watching the two bang away horribly on bongo drums and Bethenny shake her maracas - the ones in her hand and on her chest. For all of their problems, I like watching the couple have fun together. They always laugh a ton and look like little partners in crime.
“We could take her – we need some bongos…”
But the best part about this segment is that we get to learn why Ra Ra is “Ra Ra” and not the significantly less retarded “Veronica” – Bryn calls her Ra Ra! Aww! I’d think that was cute if hadn’t been “Sissy” for the first five years of my little brother’s life because my parents were too fucking lazy to teach him “Alex.” That was some bullshit. Commercial!
There’s a beautiful church at the resort and Bethenny, Jason, Bryn and Veronica head up to take a peek. It’s pretty, but there’s a creepy baby head on the alter that I thought for a minute was Bryn playing in front of it, but then realized it was probably some cherub hanging out up front. Probably. Everyone marvels at the church’s loveliness, and then Veronica rushes out in tears. Jason takes a cue from me and leaves the girls to deal with the weepy bullshit. Ra Ra’s got a breakup going on, and she misses her family (they’re not dead or anything, just spread out). Being in the church reminded her of going to church with them and how New York can be a lonely place. Bethenny and Bryn comfort her, with B telling R that they’re R’s New York family. Well, Bryn mostly tries to eat her sunglasses (SO CUTE), and Bethenny does the comforting, but if Bryn were old enough to comprehend the words “emotional roller coaster,” I’m sure she’d do her best.
And because it’s totally the perfect moment (not sarcastic), Bethenny finally asks Veronica to be the baby’s new mommy if Jason and Bethenny eventually do kill each other a la “The War of the Roses.” Do you guys remember that movie? Fucking great.
Ra Ra sobs, “Yes,” and she and Bethenny make a Bryn sandwich, soaking the poor baby in tears. It’s a good thing Bryn’s wearing an ADORABLE SUN HAT.
After everyone’s done bein’ a bitch, it’s time to head to the “culinary experience.” Apparently it’s some kind of demonstration or class, but the guests don’t actually make anything. So really, it’s going to a restaurant and having the chef sit at your table and make your food while you have to watch and not talk. Bethenny concurs with my assessment about ten minutes in when it becomes clear that watching someone make mole sauce while you’re starving and there are no chips and salsa to be seen, is motherfucking torture.
However, just before the food is finished, Liz shows up! Who’s Liz? I don’t know and neither does she, it seems. She’s completely lost, obviously with some tour group that isn’t there, and she walks right up to Bethenny and asks her if she’s Maryanne. Bethenny does exactly what I would do in that situation and answers yes, she is indeed Maryanne. Jason’s Maryanne’s husband Chris and the three all have a gay old time trying to figure out what the fuck Liz is supposed to be doing at that moment. It’s pretty great.
Can she be my new mommy, Jason?
At night, the crew gathers for some backyard skinnyritas prepared by Bethenny, and Jason decides it’s the perfect moment to tell everyone present that the couple will have to move out of their current apartment in 30 days. Eeep! I hope the vacation ends tomorrow because it’s sure as shit ruined now. Julie asks when the new apartment will be done, and Bethenny twangs, “When dawnkees fly.” At which I laughed out loud and hard. My roommate’s having a little slumber party about 20 feet away, so Bethenny owes him an apology. As everything shifts into high gear, Bethenny bemoans the fact that her life is always under the gun and frenetic – because you make it that way by doing everything all the time. Stop writing that stupid fiction book for one, and maybe your load’ll be lighter. But she doesn’t listen to me, and instead turns the focus on Maggie, calling out in front of everyone the girl’s need to toughen up. Embarassing her in front of her co-workers is sure gonna help with that one. You can literally see Maggie’s sweet little gumdrop heart freeze and shatter into a million pieces. And if that weren’t enough stress for the evening, let’s get on another fucking boat!
Fuck “All About Eve.” That movie’s bullshit.
The next day, the couple inexplicably decides to go on a 45 minute boat cruise around Cabo. Guess what?! It’s a total disaster! First of all, Bethenny decides to bring Bryn – mistake number one. Because when the water gets choppy, it’s the Trinidadian baptism all over again – Bethenny freaks out and the mom gene takes over and it’s back to shore for Bryn. Jason’s waiting on the boat with Jackie and Maggie, while Bethenny and Julie head back with the baby, and wait for another dinghy to take them back to the yacht. Jason starts to get seasick and Maggie just starts losing her shit like a pro. She starts crying, won’t tell anyone what is wrong with her beyond “My eyes are burning from-” and then hides in the cabin. Jason, used to dealing with crazy, but probably not impractical, whiny, girly crazy, is at wit’s end and doesn’t know what the fuck to do to help Maggie. Finally, Bethenny and Julie return, Maggie goes back to the beach and the boat trip… starts. Fortuitous beginning, no?
B’s convinced Maggie, who ran off the beach in tears complaining about all the attention she was getting, is going to quit pronto, and I completely agree. That girl does need to toughen up. Jason and Julie share some private time during which Jason expresses his respect for Julie and her decisiveness. He’s not been able to make a decision about joining Bethenny’s business ventures full time, and Julie advises him to set a deadline, and whatever decision he makes, to not look back. Don’t do it, Jason. What little there is left of your balls will slowly be absorbed into the Bethennyverse, until you won’t be able to tell where your dick ends and hers begins… Commercial!
After the boat, the four that remain (Jackie, Julie, Bethenny and Jason) head back to the villa and Bethenny interviews that she and boat don’t get along anymore. She mentions that she used to love them, but it’s been bad experience after bad experience, and she’s done. She even brings up Scary Island! Love!!! She says, “And I went on a boat to St. John with those lunatics, and look how that turned out.” Awesome. God, she needs to be on the next RHONYC reunion – she can just sit there and be better than everyone. That’d make me happy.
And guess who’s on the beach, too – Valentin! He finally gives Bethenny the necklace, and as a thank you, she makes the girls pick out a couple of things to get to throw him some more sugar. Aw. It’s kinda sweet. Commercial!
We return to Bethenny and Jason at dinner and it’s time to discuss whether or not Jason will work with Bethenny, but really, it’s time to discuss Jason’s massive insecurities when it comes to being Mr. Bethenny Frankel. It’s all a little incomprehensible, mostly because I’m not a part of their relationship, and despite a lot of it being on television, some of what they talk about is out of context. It’s also incomprehensible because Bethenny keeps talking over Jason when he tries to explain how he feels, and then gets defensive when he calmly expresses that he feels judged by her for not doing better in his career. He claims that he’d never felt that way in any relationship, and he can’t understand how he could possibly be feeling judged if she’s not judging him. And I think we’ve hit on the crux of why Bethenny wants this man in therapy – he has no insight into his own headspace at ALL. He honestly doesn’t think that he could be judging himself and projecting that onto Bethenny. No wonder she feels blamed and frustrated…
And then, just as I’m starting to get a little more on her team, she goes and ruins it by getting angry and defensive. The dinner goes down in flames with the couple barely speaking to each other at the end of the first course. They both cool off, though, and toast to not being able to stand each other, but loving each other all the same. Ugh, whatever. It’s to the point where I can’t deal with their bullshit anymore. Next time they fight, I’m rewinding to the drum therapy. That was fun.
This? Not so much.
And so ends Mexico. A good time was had by all (well, maybe not Maggie), and it looks like some much-needed rejuvenation was achieved by Bethenny. Not by me, though. Maybe next week things’ll work out? See you then!
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