Bethenny Ever After Recap: Just Get on the Damn Boat

Well, congratulations, Jason Hoppy.  You’ve finally succeeded at making me feel sorry for your wife.  Not only was Bethenny extremely well-behaved this episode (no major emotional breakdowns to speak of), she got you what sounded like a very, VERY awesome birthday present which did not at all highlight the fact that you are now, unfortunately, over the hill.  I’m sure it’s just the editing, and I’m sure your side of the story has gone completely untold, but frankly, I don’t really care.  Speak to someone at Bravo, Homey, because you were an asshole this week.

What led up to all this drama?  Previously, on Bethenny Ever After: Bethenny married the perfect man, then got really insecure about marrying the perfect man, then got a little crazy, then the perfect man got sick of the crazy and stopped being the perfect man, then she told him they had to take a boat to the middle of nowhere to fix their issues, and the perfect man was like, “HELL to the naw, Bobby.”  I think that about catches us up.

What’s going well in Bethenny’s life this week aside from the CUTEST BABY EVER??  Her career, duh.  We open on her at a shoot for People Magazine’s Holiday Entertaining issue, shooting, of course, in the middle of Summer.  They told her to bring two friends (uh, what?), so she brought Jake (gay husband) and Connie (no idea).  They immediately force her to get into the Jason business, and it’s at this moment I almost hurl my glass of Bogle Pinot Noir at the screen because what the fuck do you mean we didn’t get to see this shit, Bravo??  You spend the entire pre-season and season pimping the Hoppy’s problems and you don’t show us one of the best ones?  Pfffft, I say.  Pffft.

Anywho, what Bethenny SAYS happened, is this.  She planned an extravagant 40th for Jason that involved a private golf trip at a very, VERY exclusive resort, surprised him with the company of his best friend (named Opie!  What?!  How does that happen?!) and all this included an awesome romantic dinner of some kind.  From what I can gather, there was also a party two days before with his parents, but as for the golf trip, his dad couldn’t stay the whole time, so the elder Hoppys just didn’t come.  It all sounds pretty innocent, unless the Hoppys didn’t come was because Bethenny told them not to since they couldn’t stay the whole time.  I don’t know, but it sounds like Bethenny did a bang-up job.

And, as a result of said bang-up job, Jason was deliriously happy, and basically told Bethenny that he would never be mean to her again.  Which, what?  Don’t make promises you can’t fucking keep.  And Jason really shouldn’t do that because the Sunday at the end of this awesome weekend, they’re both in bed, and he spits out that his parents really should have been there.  They get into a huge fight, Bethenny’s heart is broken (her words, not mine), and here we are.  At this point, Jason’s apologized, but it’s soooo not enough for his wife, and I’m kinda on her team with this one.

 ”And his best friend’s name is Opie?”  “Yeah.”  “And he was still mad at you?”  “Yeah.”  “Girl, I don’t even know.”  

The friends are supportive, but then they get called to set and – oh!  That’s why they’re there, they’re getting shot!  Bethenny interviews that she could wallow in the fight for days, but she’s here to work, so she has fun with Jake for two minutes, and then kinda blows off her hairdresser when Hairdresser starts saying stupid bullshit about Jason having all the issues.  Haha, even Bethenny knows that’s a crock of shit.  But Jason does have some issues, Bethenny admits, and she wishes he had the opportunity to work on them, but he has the same opinion of therapy as Scientologists do, so that’s not gonna happen…

Onto a less stressful game, the apartment.  Bethenny meets with her architect who truly defies my “Sleepless in Seattle” Tom Hanks stereotype of architects, and frankly, that’s just his watch.  The rest of him belongs in a cab headed to Wall Street, screaming into an iPhone to “SELL, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!”

 To be fair, I know one architect total.

At the meeting, Architect complains that he needs a crapload of information from Designers so he can get permits so they can start building.  However, Designers have not responded to emails or phone calls in three days, and at this point, they’re not going to be able to start “swinging hammers for a month.”  Bethenny calls Designers right then and there, and gets them on the phone.  Oooh, not good, Designers.  Not good to be so obviously avoiding Architect’s calls…  Bethenny, rightfully, does not lose her temper, just asks what’s going on, but Designer, knowing she’s on speakerphone with Architect, kind of loses it and gets all defensive.  She claims that the list Architect sent was way too comprehensive, and that Designers wouldn’t be able to give information on half the shit on said list until way later in the project.  Uh, so just send him what you can?  Or just respond to the email in a timely fashion with some kind of explanation?

I swear, every time I think I have limitations, I just look at the behavior of some highly successful people, and I’m reassured.

Bethenny has the same idea I do, and tells Designer that Architect will resend a list of high-priority information he needs, and Designer will do her best to accommodate so at least some work can get started.  Basically, the list Architect sent was totally overwhelming to Designers, so they… pouted until Bethenny solved the problem.  Bethenny interviews that she doesn’t want to be the renovation ref, so once again, she and I share some sentiments.  Commercial!

We return to Jake, Bethenny and Julie heading to the Designer’s store to pick out stuff for the apartment.  Added to the list of things I will have/do when I make it?  Going to a high-end designer showroom to pick out things for my new penthouse.  Just to catch you all up:
1.    Boat (sail or motor – not yacht)
2.    Infinity pool.
3.    Weekend colonial beach house
4.    Personal trip to designer showroom for penthouse.

When the three get there, we meet Designers, Mariette and Brooke, an Upper East Side Mother-Daughter design team, who are kind of old friends with Jake (wealthy city folk).  Everything is fine and dandy until Jason calls and rips Designers new assholes for not picking up the phone and calling/emailing Architect back, especially when everyone’s on such a tight schedule.  A schedule you PUT YOURSELVES ON  because you weren’t willing to find other living arrangements for three months while work was finished on a schedule that was not half of what a job like this would normally take.  I’m sorry, I love me some Hoppys, but there is just no way there wasn’t a three month temporary situation available in New York.  Don’t. Buy it.

That said, Designers!  You are not better than Architect!  Call him the fuck back!  After Jason’s rant, Bethenny’s left to deal with the tension, but eventually Architect shows up and despite the obvious hard feelings, things get productive almost immediately.  Yahoo – adults!  Bethenny leaves happy.

Later that week, she heads to the chiropractor.  Fascinating.  I’m sorry, Gasmii, the only interesting/relevant thing that happens here is that we find out Bethenny hasn’t been sleeping, and the only entertaining thing that happens is that she tries to set him with someone, but he literally refuses on the basis of professionalism.  I don’t know if it’s good or bad that I think that that’s funny…  What the hell do I expect from doctors these days??!  Commercial!

We’re back and headed to a meeting with some company that is going to be working on the Skinnygirl website.  But before that, Bethenny decides to ask Jackie and Julie how they’re doing, all of a sudden.  She checks in with the fact that they both have out of NYC boyfriends, and questions whether or not both of them want to stay.  For some reason, which makes me think things are either not okay at home with Julie, or REALLY not okay at home with the Hoppys, Julie breaks down into tears for virtually no reason.  She babbles about not knowing what she wants, but wanting the job, but then not knowing how long she can have her life revolve around someone else’s life, and more stuff I don’t really understand.  Bethenny interviews that she’s not sure Julie is happy anymore, so I guess that offers some clarity, but I really didn’t see this coming…

 Stop doing that – your face looks weird.

Anywho, Website People arrive and the crying stops, until Bethenny starts in on the progress of the website.  Which is none, in case you were curious, even though she met with these people a month ago.  She asks why things haven’t been started yet, and Website Man explains that that is the point of this meeting.  To her credit Bethenny doesn’t get angry at what seems to me a complete waste of time, but just rolls with it.  Then Website Man says this is the meeting at which they get to know her brand, and she balks that they don’t already know what her brand is, and I do, too.  Jeez, Guys.  You could’ve spent the last six weeks watching old Bravo reruns and drinking margaritas and been over halfway there…

Website Man guesses, “Positivity, empowerment, authenticity, connection with your audience and with other people.”  Ouch… this sounds… not good.  Bethenny’s already mentioned that she considers the website her signature, but for some reason, she still gives the account to these BUMBLING GOOFBALLS.  I hope this goes well.  I can watch family drama, but I can’t watch website drama.  I have Facebook for that.

Speaking of Facebook, time for therapy!  It’s more of the same birthday drama, but with a few more details.  One of which is that Bethenny’s pissed at Jason for starting a fight right as they went to bed when he knows she doesn’t sleep.  Also, Bethenny reveals that she thinks Jason’s feeling the Mr. Bethenny syndrome, which is a very, VERY dangerous accusation to make to one’s husband.
As for Dr. Amador’s advice, he plugs therapy and the boat trip, and he tells her to keep breathing.  Thanks, Doc.  Oy, where’s Marlena when you need her?  Commercial!

The funny intercut this week is Bryn at baby ballet, which they should really call, “Hey Mommies, Let’s Get Together and Play with our Daughters in Tutus!”  It looks amazing. I can’t decide if I want to be Bryn or kidnap her.   NOT FOR REAL JUST KIDDING!!! Commercial!
Back at the apartment, Julie tells Bethenny that Macy’s picked up Bethenny’s Shapewear Line – hahahahaaa!!!  Take that, Zarin!  I love it.  Bethenny sneezes these days and her Kleenex is doing better than Jill Zarin.  Kinda love it.  She tries to get Julie and Jackie to do the photoshoot, and Jackie’s down, but Julie take Bethenny’s reasoning of, “I want normal looking girls!” as the sort-of insult it is and looks very apprehensive…

And finally, it’s time to go on the boat!  Who has a backpack and doesn’t want to go?

It sure looks like it’s gonna be a fun one, too, considering the couple has had yet another fight about his birthday that very morning.  Then Bethenny decides to shoot herself right in the foot by confronting Jason about said fight BEFORE they go on the boat.  Big mistake.  Jason doesn’t want to go on this trip for many reasons, nine out of ten of them valid, and now you’re giving him an example of one of those reasons right before his very eyes??

That goes about as well as expected, and as ridiculous as it seems Jason is being about his birthday, it’s clear that with this fight about him being the good guy, but only in front of other people, and Bethenny crying that he broke her heart, the couple is NOT communicating well.  So, while they could use the boat trip now more than ever, Jason wants to never see that fucking boat and I don’t blame him one bit…  He walks off, leaving Bethenny with Bryn, and we end on a TBC.

Next week: They’re stuck on the boat, soooo… very suspenseful, Bravo.