Bethenny Ever After Recap: No Boundries

Hey Gasmii!  Welcome back to “Bethenny Ever After,” and a recap by moi (took a little breather).  I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again, I love this chick.  She’s smart, ballsy, and thus far, one of three reality stars I have actual, bona fide respect for.  She’s taken every opportunity these shows have thrown at her and used them to create an extremely lucrative business empire (I love me some Gretchen Christine, but Beautaaay is not a word).  Also?  She’s a little to a lot cray-cray on any given day.  Not only is that a one of the seven habits of highly effective people (or at least one of mine), it makes her wack-a-doodle doo.  And if someone ain’t a wack-a-doodle do, they ain’t much fun to recap.  Off we go!

Season 3 begins, appropriately, with Bethenny and Jason stepping out of a limo to attend the SkinnyGirl Sangria Launch.  Ooooh, new product!  It’s probably Sangria, but without all the bullshit.  That’s pretty much what the Margarita was – a margarita without all the bullshit.  Bethenny hits the step and repeat in pink and is her typical grating/charming self when she asks all the photographers why they’re so damn excited – she’s not going anywhere.  She interviews that selling SkinnyGirl Cocktails to Jim Beam and getting on the cover of Forbes magazine has convinced her that she finally has a cohesive brand.  I’ll fucking say.  Teen fiction and a romantic comedy not far behind, I hope.

She prepares to do what seems to be sort of press conference about the sangria (which is white sangria, btw, they didn’t just mislabel the margarita bottle like I thought at first), and Jason stands by and watches proudly.  He interviews that the events are fun, but a little tiring.  Bethenny tells him to go enjoy the party while she deals with all the press, and he does, happily it seems.  I don’t know, I don’t really buy that their relationship is/was as rocky as Bravo is making it out to be.  Not that I blame Bravo, aside from Bethenny crying once a week in her therapy sessions, and freaking the fuck out at her birthday, there’s not much else to spark drama.

As she’s getting interviewed, Bethenny voiceovers/interviews that there must be rules on how to be a celebrity, and maybe there’s a class she could take.  She’s learned a few, like not eating while being photographed, getting out a car without flashing the business, etc., but breaks them all the time.  B?  At this point, as far as I’m concerned, the only rules involved in being a celebrity are “Just Say No,” and “Try Not to Die.”  You’re doing fine.

I guess she and Hoda are friends because Hoda, she is present and grilling Bethenny about having another baby.   And when I say grilling, I mean Bethenny might as well be on “60 fucking Minutes.”

So you want another baby.  Jason wants another baby.  You’re having another baby?  You’re pregnant right now?  Are those extensions?  Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

Hoda’s there with some dude named Jay that Bravo subtitles have dubbed her “boyfriend.”  He kind of looks like a turtle, but their story is kinda cute.  Apparently Bethenny went to Hoda’s book signing (Hoda has a book?  Is it called Piss Off, Kathie Lee?), and there were two girls in line holding pictures of their father with “Ten Reasons You Should Date My Dad” written on them.  Bethenny told Hoda what was going on, and through some miracle, all of the people involved in said scheme were NOT crazy stalkers and Hoda and Jay have been together for a year!  Awww…  That could very easily have been an “Ewwwww,” but it all worked out.

And, sidenote, I really want to have been in the room when those girls were (obviously) watching “The Today Show,” and deciding that that’s how they should go about getting their dad a date.

You know, we haven’t tried book signings…

The party gets into full swing and Bethenny starts greeting other people – like Nick!  He is officially the most sincere person on reality television.  This kid is so awkward (in the most adorable way) that he seriously appears as though he’s not aware he’s being filmed.  She teases him a little bit about his (probably nonexistent) dating life and makes a crude joke out of his asking if she wants to do any “cool things with [him] anytime soon,” and it’s really sweet.  You can tell he likes her, but she makes him so uncomfortable you’d think she was wearing a dress made of tampons.
With that, the party ends with a speech to thank all of her guests and an interview that she’s pleased to be in publications like Forbes, the WSJ and the NY Times Business section, NOT in gossip mags.  Well, she’s still in the gossip mags, but only for lawsuits and shipwrecks and other business casual events.

Later that day/week/month Bethenny and Jason are home, hanging with Bryn (who is so motherfucking cute I cannot stand it. Pictures to follow.), when they start discussing their need for a bigger place.  They love the current apartment, but with the baby growing and business picking up, the office is too small and the space is kind of comical.  All of these problems could be solved if Bethenny rented actual offices as opposed to working from her home, but I guess this way she can do things like spend more time with Bryn and not get dressed ever.

They’ve found an amazing place and put an offer in, but there’s a bunch of New York real estate rigamorole they have to go through to get everything squared away.  This is all complete Greek to Bethenny considering she’s only ever rented before and they’re buying this time.   Jason is taking care of most of it, but when he tries to make a phone call to deal with the Department of Buildings (they’re in charge of this, ha!) she picks up Bryn’s baby phone and mimics him, acting like a complete loon while he’s trying to get something done.  It’s funny to me, at least.  Guess how Jason feels about it.

Are you on LSD?

Bethenny claims that being silly is her way of diffusing the situation, but I have a feeling it’s more about what I like to call a desperate need for attention.

After the call, the couple jokes that no one wants their money, and Bethenny mentions that if the lawsuit goes through, they won’t have any anyway, so hakuna matata!  You all heard about this right?  That the SkinnyGirl Margarita is not totally and completely natural because it has enough sodium benzoate in it for Whole Foods to pull it from their shelves?  Yeah, it’s dumb.  I think if you’re so concerned about your health that you can’t imbibe the miniscule amount of sodium benzoate found in this cocktail, maybe you shouldn’t be drinking in the damn first place.

Anywho, there’s a group  suing Bethenny and Jim Beam for false advertising.  Seriously?  If there’s a lawsuit over this margarita, it should be over the fact that Bethenny didn’t fucking invent it.  The SkinnyGirl Margarita, is, in fact, a classic margarita minus the sugary bullshit introduced by places like Cabo Cantina and Cuervo Margarita mixes.  If anyone wants to sue Bethenny over it, some long-dead Mexican dude has some money coming to him, but that’s it.  Seriously, check out the ingredients:

SkinnyGirl Margarita

Classic Margarita

Hilarious.  Commercial!

In case you didn’t believe Bethenny when she said that her apartment was getting too small for her business needs, we return to a work day in which roughly 18 women are crammed into a tiny office.  I think two or three are actually doing relevant SkinnyGirl work, and the rest of them are beautifying various parts of Bethenny’s person.  You know how a law degree is just kind of handy for various non-lawyer careers?  Well, here’s my advice to all women seeking any kind of fame.  Go to cosmetology school and learn how to do your own camera-ready makeup and hair.  You will save a shit-ton of money, and, frankly, space.

Bethenny interviews that as her business has grown, so has her staff, and as a result there isn’t a seat for every ass.   She’s not exaggerating.  The intern, Maggie, sits on the floor in the hallway.  Literally.  And hey!   There’s Julie!  The Coordinator of Chaos is still plugging away in the best/worst job on the planet, and she’s the one to explain to Bethenny about the tunnel.  What tunnel you say?  Why the tunnel underneath the desks the assistants use to exit the office when Bethenny’s on the phone and can’t be bothered to move out of the way.  It’s all well and good most of the time, but if Cookie’s around, the floor’s her territory, and she’ll bite any other bitch who trespasses.  The only joke here is that I am absolutely not exaggerating any of this for humorous effect.

The team discusses that she needs to go to LA for a photo shoot and to appear on “Ellen,” the fact that SkinnyGirl Face and Body skincare line will be ready in November and that Stacey (hair) broke up with her boyfriend.  Business and pleasure!  Man, have I worked in an office like this. Everyone else’s love lives are pretty good, and Maggie the intern is pleased as punch to be working there, despite the fact that her office is the floor.  I have to say, the lack of pretension is kind of awesome.  She really is running this shit out of a tiny room and is doing an amazing fucking job.  There’s something to be said for that.  Please feel free to say it in the comments!

Bethenny and the hair/makeup entourage exits for some event, we meet the new driver named Dwayne, and then get to the event.  Stacey’s breakup is still the topic du moment, but she can barely get a word in edgewise before Bethenny takes over the conversation entirely to bitch about her and Jason’s relationship.  Contextually, despite the amount of work she claims to have done on herself, she still feels like nothing she does is good enough for Jason.  Specifically she doesn’t visit his parents enough, and there’s something about when Jason doesn’t like something or someone, she always winds up being the heavy when it comes to dealing with that person or thing, but it all boils down her feeling like the bad guy all the time and she’s too tired to deal with it.  Unfortunately, the real problem is that all the work she’s done on herself, combined with a windfall of personal success and fame that Jason shares only part of, has made Bethenny so incredibly self-obsessed that she probably doesn’t realize Stacey is still in the damn room.

I’m still the tall, blond one, right?

The “event” is actually a photo shoot having to do with yoga for Health magazine, so we get to watch Bethenny jump around like a five-year-old in hot pink yoga pants for a few minutes.  Photo shoots are fun – commercial!

We return to family which means I start hearing this weird ticking noise and start crying inexplicably because Bryn is SO MOTHERFUCKING CUTE.  She’s happy, then she’s grouchy, then she sips water out of a straw and oh my God I want a million babies.  Bethenny and Jason are pretty awesome, too.  Jason runs around assisting wearing this ridiculous yellow headband, and Bethenny makes all of Bryn’s baby food, which, damn.  When I say Bethenny’s crazy, I mean crazy in a way we should all kind of aspire to be – she does all this shit AND makes her kids food.  I know homemakers with two nannies for three kids that still don’t manage to produce their own baby food.  Okay, I don’t know Alexis Bellino personally, but she exists, and that’s enough to make Bethenny look pretty damn good.

Aww.

AAWWWWWW!!  Bryn wins.

All of this sparks a discussion about the lack of intimacy that has sprung up between the couple since they’ve had the baby, and we finally get to hear the “Jason’s penis has cobwebs on it,” line AGAIN.  Thank goodness, Bravo, because I definitely didn’t memorize it the first 1500 times I heard it.  Anyway, it seems like even though they’re not having sex, they seem to having a ton of fun with their kid.  I think that’s just as good.
After feeding Bryn, it’s time to feed Bethenny, so she heads to lunch with her friend gayJake.  I kind of remember him in the sense that he’s not new, but I couldn’t tell you what he does.  Bethenny probably can’t either.  They hit up a restaurant that’s outdoors, but must be up a few floors because it’s not streetlevel, and the two comment on how nice it is to be outdoors but not have to deal with the New York exhaust.  Haha, Occupy’s gonna boycott the shit out of this show, now.

The lunch is pretty boring, and I feel like the only reason Jake is there is because he introduced Bethenny to her interior designers, who obviously could not make it for filming.  Their names are Brook and Mary, they work for Gomez (not Addams, but wouldn’t that be amazing?), and Bethenny thinks they’re slumming it with her.  This, from a woman who now thinks eating at street level is slumming it.

The lunch gets mildly more interesting when they start talking about relationships.  Both of them prefer being alone, and consider relationships hard work.  I don’t know if “work” is the right word as much as “frigging terrifying,” but I don’t write the show, Bravo does.  I’m cautiously assuming this is a bit of foreshadowing for the “relationship troubles” the teasers have been heavily, HEAVILY alluding to.

Oh, great.  Time for therapy!  I can’t help it, I love her, I like the show, but this is so incredibly inappropriate.  Therapy is private and to broadcast it this way, on a reality show, makes light of it.  Ugh.  I promise that is the only time I will mention my feelings about that segment of the show.  Let’s talk about something else – like how Dr. Amador looks EXACTLY LIKE RUSSELL ARMSTRONG MAY HE REST IN PEACE.

Look out!

In therapy, we learn that things have been tough over the past few months in the marriage due to some financial issues.  Pretty predictable – now that Bethenny has money to fight over, it seemed appropriate to sign some sort of pre/post nuptial agreement.  Jason does not come from a family or background where that sort of thing would ever be done (they’re called the middle class), so it was pretty awkward for awhile and he apparently refused to let go of it for a long time.  Add the fact that Bethenny and Jason have only known each other for two years and are now sharing literally everything, and Bethenny’s in tears and short of breath by the end of the session.  They’re still getting to know each other, basically.  Russell tells her to monitor her sleep and shortness of breath for the next session, and that’s that.  That’s another reason I hate these segments – Russell really doesn’t get a chance to share any insight (because it’s not his show), so he just looks like a bobblehead the entire time.  Gives a bad name to therapists, I tell ya.  Okay, that’s it.  I’m really done now.  Commercial!

Time for the funny blip – it’s two minutes of Bethenny doing yoga because it relaxes her and being completely unable to stop bugging Julie the entire time.  Seems staged.

Ooooh!!  Now it’s time for the funny SCENE!  Bethenny, in a stroke of genius, made friends with Lisa Lampinelli sometime between last season and this one, or Lisa decided to appear on the show between last season and this one.  Whatever, I don’t care, I could watch these two all damn day.  They’re very similar, eternally single and suddenly married, admittedly self-centered women.  Also, I’m not normally a fan of Lisa, but she’s a little more down to earth on the show as opposed to performance, so she’s actually kind of charming and nice in an incredibly disgusting way.  She and Bethenny wind up talking about the size of Lisa’s husband’s balls, and actually call him to ask how he washes them and if he would be so kind as to take a picture of them at his earliest convenience.  I don’t know why, but it’s funny, and the dude seems totally down with the kind of woman he’s married.  Rock on, Lampinelli.

Aww, perfect.

There’s some more talk about how everyone likes Jason more than they like Bethenny, and how all the gays want to bone him, but then Lisa says “loofer” instead of “loofah” and I forget everything but the testicle jokes.  Well played, Show.  Well played.

Just before the end of lunch, Jason calls and tells her that he currently holds in his hand the keys to their new home.  Eeeeeee!!!  Let’s go see it!
Holy.  Shit.  It is nice to have money in New York, Gasmii, let’s just leave it at that.

Or not, let’s go over the stats – three bathrooms, football field living room, working chef kitchen (baseball field), separate workspace, AMAZING windows, and a bunch of bedrooms, one of which I’m pretty sure is going to be converted into a closet because for some reason, Bethenny associates a giant closet with having arrived.  Well, if Carrie Bradshaw has taught the world one thing…

The ability to do several cartwheels in my living room will tell me that I’ve arrived.

Jason and Bethenny walk through in wonder and head for champagne to celebrate.  Then they start talking about maybe having another baby to christen the new home, which inevitably leads to a discussion about how often they have sex.  Guess what?  It’s not enough for Jason.  He’d like to bump it up to twice a week, and Bethenny looks skeptical.  I would so love to meet this couple in person and reference this very conversation.  Then maybe they’ll have a better idea about boundaries and how nice they can be…

And that’s that for the season premiere, Gasmii!  Lots of set up for both good and bad possible storylines.  I’m not down for any stagey relationship trouble, but please bring on more of Bryn and Lisa Lampanelli.  Together if possible.  See you next week!

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