Bethenny Ever After Recap: Therapy makes Jason Vomit…

Hey, Gasmii! Guess what? They went on the boat! I know you were all worried, and don’t watch television so you haven’t seen the previews that show them ON THE BOAT, so I’m sure you were all very pleased to hear that Jason did, in fact, totally cave. Within about 30 seconds of the opening shot. Suspense! Basically, Bethenny follows Jason out of the parking lot and asks him, “Do you wanna come? Do you wanna come?” He just answers, “I’m not gonna disrespect you more,” and gets on the chopper. Uh, okay? Kind of a weird resolution, but okay. At least shit’s moving along.

Only on his own terms.

The couple lands on Block Island to meet Dr. Amador who looks like he’s trying really hard to dress like he knows how to boat. I personally don’t believe he knows damn near what he pretends to know, considering he can’t work the damn thing without a GPS. Bethenny hands off the baby, and the couple heads to the boat. There’s another couple going with them named Chad and Luz, who could not be more New York if they tried. They’re not married, they have kids together, they’ve been together on and off for 20 years, and Chad lives in New Rochelle. Also, Luz is carrying a yoga mat, because sailing and couple’s counseling will offer her many opportunities to vinyasa flow throughout the night. I’m putting Luz in… Williamsburg. Everybody gets situated, and the boys immediately start bonding over the fact that they couldn’t think of a worse way to spend their weekend, but they really didn’t have a choice in the matter. Luz and Bethenny glare at them proving the point entirely. Dr. Amador gives everyone a brief safety talk and shows the couples where they’ll be sailing.

Then it’s time to push off – Jason’s first up as captain, and orders Bethenny to untie the boat from the post. A few, “Give me some SLACK, Jason,” jokes later, the trip and the analysis begins. Jason sends Bethenny to the bow to watch for buoys, and then makes fun of her for looking like she’s lounging up there (which happens to be the only way one can safely sit on a bow). Dr. Amador pounces on that immediately asking Jason how he thinks Bethenny probably feels about that. Jason sheepishly answers, “Aggravated,” then bullshits that he likes to push her buttons because he “loves” her. Jason? I’d like you to meet someone – Emotional Abuse. I have a feeling you two have a lot in common! Dr. Amador points out immediately that Jason doesn’t push Bethenny’s buttons because he “loves” her, but instead because Jason feels hurt or frustrated. Now that, I believe. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Bethenny. I think she’s smart, accomplished and honest, which is way more than I can say for almost every other reality star on television. I think she’s a great role model for women who don’t have lives that fit into a traditional trajectory, and if she is crazy and abusive to her staff/friends/family, we don’t see it, so I think her persona remains a positive influence for many, many women. That said, I’m going to wager a guess that she is damn difficult to live with. Having been alone for so long, she probably isn’t used to not doing everything her own way, and being the more successful one in the relationship, I’m betting Jason is chafing a bit under her thumb. Let’s hope the sailboat helps.

At some point, Dr. Amador tells Jason he can call Bethenny back from the bow, and as soon as she gets there, Jason makes another joke about feeling like a moron for coming on the trip in the first place. I think what Jason really wants to say is he feels like a moron for agreeing to go on television and turning into Mr. Bethenny Frankel before he’d made his first million. Now he’ll never catch up and that image is going to STICK.

Dr. Amador jumps in before Bethenny can start crying under the pressure of Jason’s terrible humor, and he asks Jason where the younger man sees himself in ten years. Jason immediately answers, “Married to her.” Aww… bad humor forgiven. Dr. Amador illustrates with a horrible, horrible boat metaphor, that if Jason and Bethenny keep focusing on one thing i.e. his birthday, their success differential, they’ll go “off course” and their marriage will hit the rocks. They have to focus on the big picture for the marriage to be successful. I’ll bet Jason is thinking, “You couldn’t have told me that on the couch?” I couldn’t have just come to a fucking session?” Commercial!

We come back and it’s Chad and Luz’s shift, so Bethenny and Jason start making dinner. I say start, because as soon as Jason gets below deck, he turns a lovely shade of chartreuse. Bethenny gets some subtle revenge in detailing the menu – rice, Mexican seasoning and two kinds of beans. If ever a dish was going to look like vomit, it would be that one. At this point, Jason is sacked out on the bed moaning. Actually moaning – it’s hilarious.

Hahahahaaaa!

Eventually Dr. Amador heads downstairs to do therapy with the couple so Jason doesn’t have to come up top, which, if he did, he would surely vomit all over everyone. I’m sort of pissed that didn’t happen, because up til now, his sickness is by far the most interesting thing to have happened on this trip. Gotta feel for the guy, too. Here he is, sick as a dog AND getting analyzed at the same time – worst fears come true! The session, thankfully, is short and sweet. Dr. Amador tells Bethenny that she’s trying to be something she’s not for Jason, but she’s discovering that that’s impossible. It’s not that she’s not trying to make her relationship work, she’s just realizing that she wants Jason to like her for who she is. Jason, for his part, doesn’t want Bethenny to be someone else, he just wants her to be more considerate of other people’s needs. I have a feeling being considerate of other people’s needs is going to force Bethenny to become a totally different person, but neither the couple, nor Dr. Amador recognize this obvious point.

Then Dr. Amador tells Bethenny to stop getting so butt hurt about shit Jason says about her family and whatnot, and Bethenny agrees to work on letting Jason’s parents into her life more. Finally, Dr. Amador tells them to live in the now, and Jason glares at him because his personal present includes lots of nausea. No wonder Jason doesn’t like therapy. Later on, it’s time for Bethenny and Jason to take the helm once more, but OOPS! There’s no GPS! And Dr. Amador doesn’t know enough about sailing to get them home without one, so… this is bad news. This is why I don’t use GPSes. I’d depend on them like they were lifelines, and be screwed if one broke. I’d also watch them like they were TVs and get into an accident.

Basically, the Coast Guard is going to try and find an escort for the boat because I guess it can’t come back to shore without one. I don’t know enough about sailing/boating to know if this is a serious situation or if it’s totally Dr. Amador’s fault for not knowing how to handle his shit. Luckily, an escort is found, and it becomes a waiting game at that point. And while they’re not getting any sleep and are worried to death about Bryn, the couple seems to be bonding over their ridiculous situation. How are Chad and Luz, you ask? Asleep. Ha!

Ah well, the fun can’t last forever, and the tow boat finally shows up. The couples get to Nantucket and the reunion with Brynn is so great, Gasmii! I swear, every time this couple annoys me, I see them with that baby, and I want to move in with them. Everyone says their goodbyes and Bethenny hits up Dr. Amador for therapy discounts. Ha! Back the beach house (not sure if it’s their’s or not), Bethenny refuses to let go of Brynn, claiming she felt irresponsible for taking a trip that could have potentially made Brynn an orphan. Jeeez, looks like Jason and Bethenny are flying separately from now on. Jason admits that though he didn’t want to go, it was definitely a worthwhile experience. Only future episodes will tell… Commercial!

So does this mean we’re not getting a private jet anymore?

We return to the couple getting lunch with Dr. Amador. Weird – I would not want to see that man’s face for at least a week after that experience. But the buffet looks stupid good, so maybe that’s distracting them. There’s one final therapy session, during which Jason tells Bethenny that he wouldn’t want to be stuck on a boat with anyone but her. Aww… And that’s about it, Folks! Not the greatest of episodes, but it looks like things are finally looking up for our heroes, and frankly, I’ll be happy to see them happy for a few episodes. And next week, Bethenny’s mom resurfaces!! That’s drama I can get behind. See you next week!

All is well with buffet…