Bethenny Getting Married: BEEF TARTAR!

Hello Bethenny fans!  Guest recapping this week and I must say it’s been a treat.  I liked Bethenny on RHONY, but this was my first episode of “Bethenny Getting Married,” and she and Jason are such an awesome fucking couple that now I might actually be considered some kind groupie.  I apologize in advance if I gush.  I’ll try to keep it to a minimum!

Awwwwwww!!  …sorry.

“Sex and the City” style xylophone music trills over shots of the New York City skyline, and the Skinny Girl bug pulls into Gary’s Wine Marketplace in Jersey.  Bethenny’s there to do a liquor signing and an astonishing number of people show up to have her sign bottles.  Anyone else think this is sort of weird?

It’s 14 days till the wedding and 8 weeks to baby, and Bethenny does her best in four-inch heels and a tighty-whitey dress to get inside and greet Gary.  She interviews that she not only has two weeks until the wedding, but also two weeks until her book is due.  And in case anyone was confused about Bethenny having a lot going on, she announces that she’s moving at top speed!  I mean, yes, but at the same time, she planned her wedding to coincide with her book’s release date, so not a lot of sympathy here.

Gary welcomes Bethenny and shows her her product display of Skinny Girl Margaritas.  Apparently when she mentioned it on the first season of Real Housewives, the most asked question by viewers was how to make it, so these are selling like hotcakes.  I bet the most asked question now is what hallucinogenic cocktail the producers inject Kelly Bensimon with right before the cameras turn on.

Bet it’s similar to whatever that Coachella naked guy who got tasered was on.

People started lining up YESTERDAY for this thing.  I mean, I like Bethenny, but she’s not tickets to a Radiohead concert.  Damn.  She greets everybody in line and jokes about how inappropriate it is to be seven months pregnant and hawking liquor.  It is kind of funny.  She starts signing autographs and learns that she has a gay club in New Jersey.  I wonder if they battle the neighboring Kelly club, throwing gummi bears and nasty quips at each other.  THAT is something I would wait in line to see.

Max is waiting by the sidelines and failing miserably at picking up girls.  When it’s all over, Bethenny teases him about it, and he claims that it would have been totally inappropriate to flirt at the event.  Bethenny then decides to demonstrate how he would ask for a girl’s number, and Max hilariously plays her role in this little skit, demanding attention and interrupting her demonstration.  Jason stuffs a backpack under Max’s shirt, and the entire group dissolves into laughter.  As do I – that shit was awesome.  I kind of love Bethenny’s crew.  They all seem to like each other and as control freakish as Jason interviews Bethenny to be, she seems to treat her people really well.

In his interview, Jason admits that Bethenny likes things done her way, but since her way is almost always the right way, he doesn’t mind.  Jason must store patience the way camels store water.  How does he hide his hump?

The next morning is Bethenny’s bridal shower, and she’s having her makeup done.  I know it’s the pregnancy, but it’s like someone sort of smeared her face a little bit.  She has such a harsh bone structure normally that any filling is really obvious.

It reminds me of someone taking a sponge to a water color painting.

She’s got a Michael Kors dress she borrowed from a photo shoot to wear, but when Terri’s zipping her into it, it doesn’t fit!  Oh no!!  What’s to be done?!  Bethenny has a freakout of pretty epic proportions, to the point of telling Terri she’s not being a good friend by telling Bethenny that the dress looks good.  The women look for something else, but since Bethenny didn’t really have time to buy maternity clothes, she’s just been jimmying her old clothes into maternity wear.  So she’s screwed…

Nothing fits, and they’re running late, so I attribute the winning outfit to lack of focus and desperation.  Bethenny’s wearing this sequined silvery shirt with skinny jeans when her other (nameless) friend mentions that if the shirt were longer, it would look fabulous with her shoes.  Bethenny lights up like a frigging Christmas tree at the possibility and mentions adding hose.  Cut to another SATC moment, as the ladies walk through New York, holy crap Bethenny is a HOT TRANNY MESS.

Good.  God.  Damn.

She hands her jeans to Terri as they walk into the restaurant and mentions that if she were wearing a tampon the string would be longer than the dress.  THEN PUT YOUR JEANS ON.  Ridiculous.  Everyone’s already there, of course (hi Alex!!), and after a brief toast from Terri, they all open Jennifer Miller jewelry presents.  A neighboring waiter actually starts coughing at the estrogen explosion that occurs as the women open bracelets and all agree to put them on immediately.  Eeeeee!  Cori, a friend of Bethenny’s, asks where the couple will honeymoon, Bethenny says she’s thinking about St. Bart’s, but Jason is reluctant.  She interviews that Jason’s never been to St. Bart’s, but hates it because he finds it superficial.  Then all of the women chime in that the island is the best place in the WORLD, it’s so BEEEAAUUTIFUL and Jason is just CRAAAZY.  I’m sure none of these women are the superficial creatures that make Jason want to claw his own eyes out.

Bethenny goes on to say that the only reason they’re having a big wedding is because Jason wanted one, but he hasn’t been helping.  Alex chimes in that she and Simon will celebrate their tenth anniversary this year and they’ve maintained their relationship by being totally honest with each other.  I wonder what color leather pants Simon wore to the wedding.

There’s a shot of a DJ spinning and the party turns into a dance party with Bethenny tabletop.  Sober.  In a dress that is shorter than a tampon string.  Fantastic.  She decided that the best way to end the shower was a disco dance party with her as the disco ball.  I’ve been to some bridal showers in my time, and this one actually looks like it was tons of fun.  I think I may want to be friends with Bethenny Frankel.  I don’t think I’ve ever said that about a reality television personality.  Except maybe Janice Dickinson.  Commercial!

See, if we were friends, I would have stood in front of her to block the inevitable crotch shots she must be flashing in time with the music.

There are eleven days until the wedding and Shawn is off to taste cake.  Bethenny is apparently a little cake obsessed.  She tells him at least four different times to make sure they get the cake that they love.  I guess there was some sort of phantom cake that Shawn and Bethenny tasted at some point previously. He assures her that he will do his best to make sure they get a good cake, hangs up, and marvels at how she’s freaking out over the cake when there are so many other details that need to be worked out.  Bethenny interviews that she’s not trying to be mean, but she just wants to give Jason the perfect wedding.  It’s actually kind of sweet.  And Shawn needs to wise up and understand that Bethenny is equal-opportunity freaking out about everything, not just the cake.
We leave Shawn to his cake, and move to Bethennny heading to her last dress fitting.  This ought to be rich.  Bethenny interviews that she’s seven and half months pregnant and getting bigger every day.  Why is she trying on her dress eleven days before the wedding?  They’re going to have to sew her in on the day of.  The dress does seem to fit pretty well, though it’s not the most flattering cut for a pregnant woman.  My roommate said she looked like mermaid meets whale….  Bethenny’s worried about the strapless dress falling down while she dances so they try putting a strap on it.  One of the dress attendants compliments Bethenny on how calm she is for a pregnant bride, and both Bethenny and myself give her very confused looks.

Shawn arrives at The Pink Cake Box bakery (please visit their adorable website if you’d like to get hungry) to do some tastin’ in one of the gayest shirts in the tri-state area.

All that’s missing is a neckerchief.

The owner comments that Bethenny must trust his opinion if she’s not here to taste.  Shawn awkwardly confirms that he thinks so, and the baker mentally prepares herself for a series of livid phone calls in about a week and a half.  Shawn informs her that Bethenny definitely wants red velvet, and finally the mystery of the phantom cake is solved!  I guess there’s a bakery near Bethenny’s old apartment that makes this amazing cake, but they couldn’t do it for the wedding.  It was a horrible, no good, very bad day for Bethenny and Jason when they found out the cake wasn’t going to work out, so a lot is riding on Shawn’s decision here.  Also?  Shawn looks a LOT like Buster Bluth, and it makes me giggle.

It’s back to Bethenny as she’s doing some book editing during her fitting.  She interviews that she knows that all brides have a lot going on, but she’s pretty sure her situation isn’t normal.  Probably not, but it’s a lovely bed you made, so go have a sleep in it.  They’ve taken the dress in a bit to ensure that it’ll stay up, but now it’s too tight.  Bethenny tries to sit down and the tube dress combined with the baby belly make it pretty damn difficult.  But also funny.

It’s time to go over the reception menu back at the condo (P.S. Do you think Jason’s pissed when he watches the show and they list their house as “Bethenny’s Condo”?), and Bethenny’s having a hard time getting his attention.  It’s March Madness, you see, and, like myself at that time of year, Jason probably forgets his own fucking name when there’s a game on.  Bethenny interviews that she’s having an internal nervous breakdown at unmitigated gall in just sitting there.  Then she just starts yelling, “Beef tartar?” progressively louder at him till he pays attention to her and Jason realizes something might be wrong.  She tells him she needs help with the menu and he whines that the game’s on.  I’m pretty surprised his head didn’t explode right there from the hate lasers Bethenny’s shooting out from her eyes.  She totally flips out and threatens to set her hair on fire from the stress of everything piling up.  And then Jason becomes one of my favorite people when he mentions that this mess is entirely of Bethenny’s making because no one asked her to take on so much at one time.  BOOM.  Point for Jason.

It’s taking all of Jason’s power not to yell BOOYAH!

Bethenny claims that a lot of what she’s doing is for him and his family, and Jason shoots back that he’d love to help but there’s no way she’ll really let him.  True.  Bethenny is so frazzled at this point that she just starts yelling hysterically and the conversation sort of moves on like this:

Bethenny:  I’M SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT YOU HAVE TO HELP ME OR I’LL EAT YOUR FACE!

Jason:  Okay, but honey, please calm down.  It’s hard to help you sometimes because you’re very particular about the way things aredone.

Bethenny:  I’M SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT YOU HAVE TO HELP ME OR I’LL EAT YOUR FACE!

Jason:  I think you might just be upset because I’m sitting here watching the game while you’re working.

Bethenny:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jason:  Please calm down, Honey, I’m getting a little worried for you and the baby.

Bethenny:  BEEF TARTAR?  BEEF TARTAR?  BEEF TARTAR?

At some point she calms down enough for them to discuss that while the wedding is hard on her, it’s a little hard on Jason, too, having to adjust to things like his wedding being on Page Six.  You certainly don’t seem to shy away from the cameras, though, Jas.  Your face was all the fuck over Season Three of RHONY.  Time for you to lie in your bed.  It is really shitty that people can’t take pictures at the wedding.  Bethenny actually sounds pretty humble and sad as she explains that people are now paying for pictures of her in her wedding dress, so she’s hired a photographer who will take photos and then copies will be distributed.  That does suck.  Some of my favorite wedding photos are three hours into the reception when I’m drunkenly trying to corral my drunken friends so we can take pictures we’ll have to block our bosses from on Facebook.

Jason ends the conversation claiming that it’s pretty shitty to put a note in the wedding invitations about not bringing cameras or cell phones.  He straight up asks if the wedding is about them or the production and Bethenny doesn’t have an answer.  Hmm.  Commercial.

I hear what you’re saying, Honey, I really do.  But I  still need to know about the beef tartar…

We’re back and Bethenny stops by the Four Seasons to meet with Shawn.  And Christ, the OWNER of the Four Seasons Restaurant escorts her to her table.  This man does the job of a hostess he wants to be on TV so badly.  My brow, it is knit in consternation.  
Oh, wait, I’m an asshole.  Bethenny’s there to check out the table settings, so I guess the owner really should be there.  Sorry!  Bethenny looks at the table and says it’s a bit too schmaltzy for her taste, so Shawn volunteers to pare things down a bit.  She takes off a bunch of little plastic décor pieces and explains to Shawn that none of her editing is personal, but she’s under a lot stress and everything needs to get done.  Shawn takes it very well and they start working on the table together.  He asks how she’s been because there was a crazy blog post who said something about Bethenny having an illegitimate child.  Bethenny whatevers that she doesn’t care about that kind of stuff because it’s part of the price she pays for her life.  Way to be well-adjusted!

Shawn asks about Jason and Bethenny starts complaining again that he’s doing nothing to help.  Shawn agrees that it’s odd that he hasn’t even met the guy yet.  He counsels her to enjoy the planning process and that it shouldn’t be stressful.  Bethenny tears up a little at this point because she feels Jason thinks everything in her life is a business when this wedding is a labor of love to him.  She’s running down the aisle so happy to achieve the life she’s always wanted, but she doesn’t feel like Jason trusts that that’s the case.  Apparently she’s made huge strides in her life since she met Jason, but he wouldn’t really perceive that because he didn’t know her before.  At the end of the day, she wants Jason to understand that even though she is very business-oriented, she still has the capacity to luurrrve him.  Shawn confirms that he chose the right path in not being a therapist when he stares sadly at her, saying not a word.

Oh, I’m sorry, Sweetie.  That sucks.  Do you want tapers or votives on the table?

Now we’re back to Jason as he waits outside their apartment and calls for Bethenny to come down.  He’s got a surprise for her, and when she comes down, they hop in a car and head to City Hall to get a marriage license!  Awww, Jason interviews that he knew Bethenny was frustrated with him, so he decided to “man up” and do something for the wedding.  I believe the correct term for that is “gay up.”  Ask Shawn.  That’s pretty awesome, Jason.  That is by far the best course of action you could have taken, just grabbing her and not giving her time to be critical.  Perfect.

They chat on the way over about going to St. Bart’s for the honeymoon and Jason finally agrees to go.  He’s looked at the pictures and they’re beautiful, so he’ll deal with the superficial bodies they’ll encounter.  The couple arrives at City Hall and Bethenny is desperate for a pretzel, but they don’t have them at the cart right in front, so Jason gallantly runs down the street to grab one for his lady.  Bethenny stays by the other cart and does this hilarious back and forth about whether or not to get street meat.  She describes it as vile on any other day, but the smell wafting out of the cart is making things other than her mouth water.  She stares at the cart with this really nervous stance and you can see the chef in her fighting the pregnancy and loooosing.  She finally says, literally to no one, “I would like a chicken gyro.  I’m doing it.”

Jason runs up and shares it with her and they have this adorable street meat moment before heading into City Hall.  They come out a second later because I bet that cameras aren’t allowed inside and are total love puppies.  They hug and kiss and get a tourist to take a picture of them by the City Hall sign.  Seriously, I’m not even gagging – they are CUTE.  They’re just having so much fun together.  Commercial!

I’ll bet they scrapbook and everything.

And here’s the funny bit Bravo sticks in around three quarters of the way through the episode.   Jason and Bethenny are packing for St. Bart’s and she’s lamenting the loss of her bathing suit body.  But then Jason whips out some kind of combo speedo/boyshort suit and Bethenny literally almost has the baby right there.  Apparently he used them to run a marathon, and is not a closet homosexual, or Simon.  Phew!

And now back to the regularly scheduled programming.  Bethenny and Jason head to Alma, their officiant’s house, to interview with her.  She’s kind of exactly what you’d expect of a female reverend who goes by Reverend Alma.  She’s willowy, soft-spoken and takes pictures of all of her couples.  When she starts to take the picture, she tactfully asks if the couple could look… happier?  Ha.  Then she hands them pink ceremony forms with all the details of what she usually does and Jason interjects that he would like some words said about his brother Bryan who passed away 19 years ago in a car accident.  Poor guy.

Alma takes this all in and starts asking questions about what comes to mind when they think of their ceremony, whether or not they’re soulmates and what their relationship is like.  And these two are so frigging adorable when they answer that peace, love and happiness are the words they associate with their ceremony, Bethenny answers the soulmate question by explaining that together, she and Jason are more than the sum of their parts and finally that their relationship is loving and they act silly together.  God, I just want to pop through the screen and bring them flowers or something for being such a great couple.

And then it’s onto the “Who’s coming from YOUR immediate family, Bethenny?” question and the conversation takes a bit of a downturn.  Bethenny starts crying as soon as she answers, “No one,” and she asks Alma if they can have a minute alone.  Jason gives her a sidehug and asks her if she wants to call her mom.  Bethenny cries some more and says no, that her mother is crazy, but it would be nice if she had someone at the wedding who was family.  She cries that it all feels like if a tree fell in the woods and no one was there to hear it, did it really fall?  If a person has no family, are they important?  Poor Bethenny.  She cries some more and Jason whispers that they’re starting their own family now, so she won’t be alone anymore.  Then it’s a Bethenny interview and she’s still crying, saying that she could have married Jason then and there.

Alma returns with water and Bethenny apologizes for having a nervous breakdown in the living room, and Alma, who I’m pretty sure was a wood nymph or something in a previous life, understands completely.  She observes that Jason is the grounding force in the relationship and Bethenny is the wind.  Jason giggles like a four-year-old agreeing that she’s his little kite.  Aww.

At the very least she went to a Seven Sisters college.

It’s four days to the wedding now and Shawn has stopped by the condo to consult with Bethenny about the place settings and the cake.  The Caaaaake!   Bethenny has Shawn’s metaphorical dick in a vice as she makes him swear on his life that the Pink Cake Box can make red velvet cake that tastes just like the one that she and Jason love.  Shawn confirms that he tasted the amazecake and compared it with the other one, and specifically told the Pink Cake Box that their cream cheese frosting needed to be more cream cheesier.   I love that things like this are Shawn’s job.  He probably doesn’t, though.

Cookie, in an effort to put weight behind her mistress’ words, bites Shawn on the ankle on his way out – for the second time

If Bethenny ain’t happy, I ain’t happy.

It’s now three days till the wedding and Bethenny stops by Pop International Galleries to buy Jason’s wedding present.  It’s an admittedly awesome painting that they saw together in Florida and agreed represented their relationship perfectly.  It’s this lovely woman running and throwing roses behind her as a happy-go-lucky guy in a tux chases after her.  Bethenny tells the gallery guy that it’s really the only thing she’s ever heard her fiancé say that he wants.  Apparently it reminds him that she’s the runaway bride and he’s the one chasing.  Bethenny’s having a rehearsal lunch and is going to present it to him then.  She’s so freaking excited, and just when I thought they couldn’t get cuter, this couple blows me away.  I want to pinch their cheeks!!

It’s now two days till the big day and Bethenny heads to therapy.  I still find it really weird that she’s allowing her sessions to be taped and aired.  And that her therapist agreed to that.  Eesh.  They start discussing Bethenny’s goal to find more balance between work and her almost family, and Therapist tells her that they need to get to what is really driving her to be so career-obsessed.  Growing up with her mother, money was inconsistent to an astounding degree – one day it was take-out on food a card table, the next it was limo rides into the city.  Having money and security, while it once drove her to get engaged to rich men and then back out, then started to motivate her to push even harder in her career.  She explains that it woke up a voracious appetite in her that’s hard to quiet, and even when she met Jason, she’d been content to stay single and adopt.

Therapist comments on how poignant it is that she found love just when she stopped looking, and Bethenny agrees that male relationships are no longer about security for her, but now about being with someone she really wants to be with.  She gushes that she has no second thoughts this time around, and the session ends and I can stop feeling like this whole thing is really, really inappropriate.

I feel similar watching this as I did watching Bethenny stand on a table in a shirt.

24 hours until the wedding!  Is this show only five episodes or so?   They have marathoned through this episode.  The rehearsal luncheon is at Abe and Arthur’s, and there’s some speechifying by various people, Jason’s mom kisses Bethenny right smack on the lips and I find myself not caring one wit about any of it because when is it time for the present???!!

I don’t have to wait very long because Bethenny whips out this small package (decoy!) for Jason to open so he’ll be distracted when Shawn and another man bring the painting in behind him.  He turns around and leaps out of his chair when he sees it.  Everyone oohs and ahhs as they explain the story behind it, and pose in front of it.  Jason’s parents gush over how lovely Bethenny is and are very thankful for how happy she’s made their son.  Bethenny has seriously lucked out with the in-laws.  Everyone has a wonderful time at the luncheon and Bethenny and Jason go their separate ways for the evening.

It’s like they’re hanging up the phone and neither one wants to be the first to do it, so they keep walking and waving at each other until they both finally turn around.  And I am sealed for life as a Jason and Bethenny shipper.

For life.