***HoneyGangsta Getting Married?? Yes. Yes she is. Like, right now. So please welcome her lovely and talented fill in, HLo!
Hello, gasmi! HLo here, filling in this week for Bethenny Getting Married? aka the show that inexplicably ends in a question mark when we all know that she does, in fact, get married. I am a fan of New York Housewives, and was totally broken up about the break-up of Bethenny and Jill. Even though it is highly unlikely, I’d love it if the last episode of this season shows a reunion between the former besties. A girl can dream.
Today’s episode begins with a trip to the magical land of CostCo. Bethenny is there for a book signing, but the customers are much more interested in the giant boxes of dishwashing detergent than in meeting Ms. Frankel. Jason proves himself to be an amazing fiancee once again, when he shows up to Bethenny’s table with a buffet of samples from around the store. He is officially amazing.
They’re for you AND the baby.
Bethenny handles the lack of fans with her usual sense of humor and decides to take advantage of her location by going shopping for baby items and giant cans of hearts of palm. (I was inspired to run out and buy my own can of it.)
Back in Bethenny’s apartment she is being very picky with poor Max. He says that she has a hair consultation with Shawn and she brattily corrects him saying that Shawn will be attending the hair consultation, but that the consultation is not actually with Shawn. Anyone else confused about how what Max said was at all inaccurate? Max holds his ground, which makes me think this kid might stand a chance.
Poor Shawn, the wedding planner, might not be so lucky. When he innocently asks Bethenny if she’s excited, she bites back at him that she’s just stressed out. It’s like when I told my friend that I was going on a date this week and she asked me if I was “so excited” and I said, “No. It’s not that big of deal,” when, secretly, I was already picking out china patterns.
There’s a horribly awkward scene where Bethenny sends Shawn back and forth on small errands so she can have a chance to bitch about him to the hairstylist, who awkwardly tries to come down Bethenny without getting involved. At least Bethenny admits the fact that she’s being unreasonably bitchy. She’s lucky to have Shawn! He’s planned parties for Barbara Walters! We all know how that lady likes to get down.
“Literally Mother Teresa could be planning my wedding and I’d be annoyed,” Bethenny explains. I don’t find that unreasonable, seeing as how Mother Teresa would probably plan a wedding consisting of giving to the poor and who wants that for their special day? Yuck.
Ugh, Why won’t Mother Teresa just leave me the F alone.
Shawn stands next to Bethenny and questions her about what she wants for the wedding (you know, aka his job!). He’s covering all his bases. What kind of cake does she want? Who does she want to give toasts? Are her divorce papers from her starter marriage in order? This nearly sends Bethenny over the edge, but Shawn has obviously seen Sweet Home Alabama and knows what a nightmare unsigned divorce papers can be at a wedding — especially if the ex-husband looks like Josh Lucas. Bethenny does NOT want to talk about the marriage license even though it’s well, kind of the MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE ACTUAL MARRIAGE! Just sayin.
Shawn tries to see if he can go it alone and maybe plan the wedding without Bridezilla, but Bethenny says doesn’t trust him to do that.
Bethenny goes shopping with her friend Jake at Rosie Pope, who I’m sure appreciates the publicity of Bethenny saying, “This is where the fat people shop.” Bethenny, they’re called pregnant people. Our Lady of Stress starts to have a breakdown in the shop. I’m stressed out just watching her. That girl needs to learn to say “no.” I must say, I am very similar to Bethenny on a lower level of committing to too many things at once and this scene totally hits home for me.
Everything’s gonna be just fine! I’m totally okay! Mwahahahaha!
Bethenny sits down with Rosie Pope, herself, to talk about the truth of childbirth. Talking about the shitting and the peeing and the lines on the stomach was wonderful birth control for me.
Bethenny heads to therapy for a much needed session with quiet Dr. Amador. His nods are so informative and helpful. He ends up asking a really important question – why is it so important for her to be so successful. Interesting question Dr. Amador. He gets her to promise to relax on Sunday – her one day of rest. Just like God.
Bethenny lies on her bed in make up and hair and directs Max on how to pack her bag. She sits on her bed while directing Max to get her bra and underwear. Is this not something she could do herself? I love when Bethenny refers to her bra as a “Nell Carter” bra — a reference which I am certain goes completely over little Max’s head. Max talks to her about the intricacies of the fist-pound. (I prefer pump over pound). I wish I had watched this before I ended my date with one. (Truth.)
Can you pack for me? I’m too busy sitting.
Poor Shawn shows up and is promptly attacked by Bethenny and her dog, Cookie. He shows up with cotton candy and the good news that they’ve got the Four Seasons. I’m dying to know what he did to get that. I’m guessing he sold his first child. He then discusses budget issues and both Bethenny and I are shocked by the astronomical prices. Still Shawn leaves with a bit of lightness in his step. He has finally done something right!
The next day we see Jason and Bethenny arrive in Atlantic City for their bachelorette/bachelor party. I think it’s nice when couples do this together. I also think it’s co-dependent. We meet Bethenny’s old friends and I secretly hope that Jill suddenly shows up.
Bethenny has a friend, Teri, who gets wasted and tells some crazy stories. Jason has a friend named “Burrhead.” Enough said. Later, while they are gambling they talk about what percentage Bethenny is sure that marrying Jason is the right decision. She says she’s between 88 and 92 percent sure. This is Bethenny’s third engagement. We’re not sure how far she made it with the other ones, but Jason is right to be nervous. Then some crazy drunk lady asks Bethenny if she knows “Larry the Medium” before she passes out and pulls her friend down on the ground with her. Bethenny reacts with empathy saying, “Clean up on Aisle 9.”
At dinner that night Bethenny starts off with saying to Teri in a confrontational tone “So that was interesting behavior today.” Poor Teri looks like she’s going to piss her pants as she says, “You’re not mad at me are you?” Then Bethenny reveals she was just scaring the shit out of Teri for fun and she wants her to be her Maid of Honor! What is this the Bachelor with the whole switcheroo thing.
The conversation at dinner turns to discussing everything that needs to be done about the wedding and Jason gets called out for being inactive thus far. Bethenny starts to get stressed again. Oy vay. Just eat your steak, Bethenny.
After dinner, Jason carries his pregnant bride upstairs to go to bed before going out clubbing. I like this guy. Teri comes over in pj’s to hand with Bethenny while Jason is out having fun. It all looks fairly innocent until he shows up in the morning wearing nothing but jeans and Bethenny’s wedding sash. I think the editing makes it look like he’s just coming in, but I’m pretty sure he’s really entering from the bathroom. Bethenny says she is now a million percent sure that she wants to marry Jason and I agree. He’s a winner. Good work, Bethie!
Even hungover, the boy looks fine. Call me, if it goes back down to 88%.