Bethenny Getting Married? Treats, Trips and Tips

Mommy has to go to work.

Tonight on the finale of Bethenny Getting Married?  We answer the long-standing question: is Bethenny REALLY getting married?  Just kidding, we don’t.  We DO attend her baby shower and watch her settle deeper into life as a married mommy.

First up… Ramona!  Ramona has stopped by to pay homage to the precious baby, who is once again all dressed up in her Skinny Girl branding clothes.  Bethenny explains that Ramona had a baby girl of her own when she was around Bethenny’s age, so she can totally relate to what Bethenny is going through.

“Avery had a True Faith Jewelry onsie.”

Bethenny brings up the baby shower, which Ramona will miss because she’s going to be in Vegas.  Bummer.  She would have been good for crazy random moments.  Bethenny pours some wine and talks to Ramona about how blessed she feels because at her age she realizes she could have missed all of this.  Jason is already talking about a second baby, but Bethenny and Ramona discuss their careers being their second babies.  Boo.  More human babies, please!  They’re way cuter than margaritas or religious jewelry.  The topic of post-birth sex comes up and Ramona refuses to say how long she made Mario hold off before resuming “relations.”  From how coy she is I’m guessing Mario may not have seen any action between Avery’s birth and that one episode where Ramona tried to seduce him into renewing their vows after 17 years of marriage.  Gina comes in about now and chimes in about warding Jason off from touching Bethenny too soon.  Wow, she’s really in the middle of things.

Bethenny decides to make some stuffed peppers and Jason comes in and starts drooling over how great she’s looking this quickly.  Gina is standing by to keep things from getting out of control.  Also to threaten Jason should he ever think about cheating on Bethenny.  There’s talk of cutting off his penis and I bet Jason is really feeling like a man right now.

Baby shower!  We join Buster setting everything up at the Spachakra (or is it Spa Chakra?).  He’s unpacking a cake that he had shipped in from Los Angeles and it got kind of messed up en route.  Okay, WHAT?  These people are in NEW YORK CITY for the love of everything!  NEW YORK CITY!!!  I’m fairly certain that baby-shower-appropriate cakes are available right there on the island of Manhattan.  I bet there’s even a bakery that would do the little baby pictures and lettering on the cake just like the one that got messed up on its way from Los Angeles.  Even the freaking Cake Boss is in New Jersey, which is just across the river.  Buster is having a nervous breakdown because the lettering is messed up and this is where I draw the line, people.  Extravagant much?  Get an f-ing pink cake from one of the ten thousand bakeries in Manhattan that can be delivered in one piece.  I don’t feel sorry for anyone who cries over their cake getting messed up because it had to be SHIPPED FROM LOS ANGELES!!!!   Especially when that person resides in NEW YORK CITY!  This seems so out of touch to me.  Okay, I’m done.

Look elsewhere for caketastrophe sympathy, Buster!

Aw, Alex comes to the shower.  So does Bethenny’s friend Lauren.  Other than that I don’t recognize anyone.  Bethenny tells us she’s probably the first mom to have a baby shower with the baby already born.  Nonsense, I bet it happens all the time.  I’ve been to one.  It’s even better cause you get to see the baby you’re there to celebrate!  The shower looks super cute, with lots of pink candy and cupcakes (I can’t mention the cake again or my blood pressure will go up).  The ladies all sit out on a patio to nibble and sip cocktails before getting spa treatments.  This would be an awesome shower to be invited to.  Bethenny tells us she knows motherhood is more important than anything, but she’s not going to give up her career so she’s still trying to figure out how to balance everything.  Good luck, B.  Jason’s mom is there – I recognize her! – and she is so cute and happy as always.  Someone gives Bethenny a little silver sippy cup for Bryn, which she immediately fills with an alcoholic beverage.  That’s actually cute.  She toasts to Bryn, awwww.

The new Skinny Baby line.

The talk turns to breastfeeding, which is what Bethenny DIDN’T want to discuss, so they talk about how much Jason wants to have sex – with his mom right there.  Bethenny tells us that Jason’s mom is probably horrified that she married her son… but delighted as well.  She says she feels like Carol’s guilty pleasure.  Like someone who says all the terrible things she herself can’t say because she actually goes to church.  LOL.  I think Bethenny serves that purpose to some extent in all of us with her hilarious comments.

Jason and Max arrive, Jason with a huge bouquet for Bethenny.  Jason’s mom points out that it’s scary to think Bryn is home with only Jason’s dad.  Bethenny panics, but then remembers Gina.  Ah yes, Gina, the Super Baby Nurse.  She could run the whole show without any of them as long as Bethenny expressed her some milk from time to time.  Bethenny asks Buster to get everyone started on their spa treatments and then she’ll be along for hers.

We cut to Bethenny wearing a spa robe and opening the door to a treatment room to discover Max in there, buck naked, waiting to have a massage.  Bethenny flips out.  She rails on him because she and three of her guests are still in the waiting room waiting for massages and it’s totally inappropriate for her assistant to be jumping in ahead of them.  Yep!  She’s right.  And this, my friends, is why I am telling you all now:  NEVER be a personal assistant to a celebrity.  You think you get perks, but what you really get is to make sure everyone ELSE gets perks.  You might get some crumbs once in a while, but make no mistake.  You are there to implement someone else’s life, not to build your own.  Certainly not to enjoy your own.  I understand that Max gets paid to do this and that’s fine, it’s his choice.  I’m just saying that this job is not the way to get your foot in the door or to ride someone else’s coattails to glory.  This job is to give up your life for theirs.  That being said, Max is obviously just now figuring this out because he is way out of line here.  Max says that he asked if there was a list and was told that everyone was on the list so he could come on back.  Honestly, he probably shouldn’t have even assumed he could get a treatment without talking to Bethenny first.  Definitely he should have made sure everyone else was taken care of first.  Bethenny is appalled and leaves him.

“The spa girl said I could!”

Now Max has to decide if he should go ahead and have his massage or quickly get dressed and do damage control.  Wisely he chooses damage control.  He talks to the girl who works there to make sure she’s got his back, but she tells him she had no idea he worked for Bethenny.  Max, you’re busted.  You’re not Bethenny’s friend, you’re her employee.  You screwed up.  Max finally apologizes and tries to make sure Bethenny’s friends get their massages. You can tell he’s totally embarrassed.  Sorry Max!  Welcome to assistanthood.  And truthfully, Bethenny is probably one of the nicer celebrities to work for.  I can’t even imagine what some people probably go through for their narcissist bosses.  Yes they choose it and yes they get paid for it.  I’m just saying it would suck.

Later Bethenny has to get ready to go to Chicago overnight and she is terrified and sick about it.  She can’t stand the thought of leaving Bryn even for a few hours.

Baby needs a drink!

That would be so hard!  Especially with how brand new Bryn is.  It hasn’t been very long since she was inside Bethenny’s body.  Bethenny is crying that she doesn’t want to leave and Jason is trying to assure her that everything will be okay.  Aw, I’m sure she knows that, it would just suck to leave your brand new baby.  Poor B.  Gina tells Bethenny she is a strong, phenomenal woman and mom and that everything will be fine.  How cute is Gina!?  As Bethenny pulls herself out the door I notice there is a portrait of Cookie right there in the entryway.  A portrait!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!  That’s hilarious!  I wonder if they have her puppy paw prints framed somewhere too!

Bryn’s wondering where HER portrait is.

The next day Bethenny comes home and makes a beeline for Bryn.  She tells us that seeing Bryn made her feel like she was in a swaddle.

“Good Cookie for not eating the baby.”

What a perfect way to describe how happy she is with her new family.  She says she still cries all the time.  I’m sure I’ll be the same way.  I cry easily anyway.  I can’t imagine with all the postpartum hormones and all of those raw emotions.  She says she’s not going to travel anymore because she can’t stand leaving.  She’s also come to another conclusion, which is that she’s throwing away her entire book and starting over.  She wrote the book before the biggest things in her life happened and now everything is different.  For some reason Bethenny starts talking about Halloween and that she wants them to be a family of pandas.  Who DON’T go to the parade in the Village.  If it’s anything like the parade in West Hollywood then good call.  Not a place for small children.  Amazing costumes, though.

Time for another nodding session with Dr. Amador!  The doctor wants to know if Bethenny feels like she’s finding balance.  Bethenny says that having her office at home helps so that she can be with Bryn all the time.  She says that sticking with her relationship with Jason is the greatest thing she’s ever done and she feels like after a long period of unhappiness she’s finally feeling the happiness she’s been waiting for.  That’s really sweet.  Dr. Amador nods and agrees.  That’ll be 250 dollars.

Now Bethenny is going shopping for clothing for Bryn!  I guess since Bryn came so early she hasn’t had time to get her anything except her Skinny Girl onesie.  Max is along to help, but he knows nothing about babies, so he’s really just there to hold stuff.  Apparently they’ve kissed and made up since the baby shower.

Max going for perks again. This time he wants a hat.

OMG, Bethenny starts picking up 0-3 month swimsuits and dresses.  This is the part where my ovaries start screaming again.  Bethenny is thrilled to discover that she can buy a pair of jeans for Bryn for only five dollars.  She’ll realize why when they only fit Bryn for five days.  Bethenny asks Max if he’s excited to go to Montauk with her and Jason.  She needs an assistant on vacation?  Or will Max finally be getting a perk?  Of course they’re staying in a VILLA.

So a few days later they pile ALL of the baby stuff into the car.  This family of three needs two cars to fit all the baby stuff plus their paid servants.  En route Bethenny talks about how much she hates it when Bryn cries.  Aww.  And that’s all babies do!  And when she cries in the car there’s nothing Bethenny can do because she has to stay in the car seat.  How do you moms do it when you’re the ones driving, the baby is in the back and there is no baby nurse?  Do you just get used to it?

They realize that despite packing up the entire condominium, they’ve forgotten Bryn’s pack ‘n play for her to sleep in, and Bethenny’s forgotten her “breast friend,” which is a cushion she uses when she nurses.

“At least we remembered the hired help.”

She says that when she forgets stuff, she thinks of “people in the bush” who’ve done all this with nothing.  HA!  That’s so true!  The people in the bush also didn’t have assistants who could call ahead and see if the hotel has a pack ‘n play.  At the hotel we get a bird’s eye view of Bethenny’s milk-filled breasts while she sits topless on the bed, a pump on each nipple.  Gina asks if Montauk is the tip of Long Island, which leads Bethenny to say that Jason’s favorite game is “just the tip.”  She’s really tormenting him about this no-sex thing.  Gina’s like, “Six weeks is six weeks.  No tip!”  Bethenny renames their vacation spot Mon-cock.  She thinks it’s totally funny.  Jason, not so much.

Bethenny may be tapping the “tip” of Jason’s iceberg of frustration.

Outside Jason, Bethenny, Julie and Max toss the football around and it’s the most fun Max has had in months.  He and Julie beat Jason and Bethenny.  Then Jason and Max start a barbecue.  Max asks Jason to put sunscreen on his back and he pulls up his wife beater and bends over, saying they’re going to be on every gay website.

“Love those hands, big boy! If you still need a tip…”

Oh wow.  Max seems to have a little crush on Jason here.  Bethenny says she’s never known a guy to have another guy rub lotion on his back unless he’s “en fuego and lives in Chelsea.”  HA!  Bethenny takes the manuscript of her book and shoves it into the barbecue so she can start fresh.  Then they all joke about tasting chapter two, hardy har.

Over dinner Bethenny gets all sentimental looking at how much her life has changed over the last year.  She makes a toast to everyone.

“Real Housewives of who? Where?”

To Gina for teaching them and loving their baby, to Max for hanging in with all women and a new baby and sticking with it, to Julie for being the backbone of her entire business, to Jason for making her so happy, and finally to Bryn.  She tells us that it feels wonderful to have her own family and that the future will be whatever she makes it.  Bryn screams and Bethenny and Jason look at each other and say, “We’ve become THOSE people.”

LOVE that ending.  That’s awesome.  I bet all new parents have a moment like that.  I was once in a restaurant with my brother, his wife and their first child who was about two at the time and not in a good mood.  When he screamed my brother looked at me and said, “Sorry that we’re THOSE people.”  So funny that Jason and Bethenny used the same words.

So that’s it!  How did you all like Bethenny’s very own spin off?  I think she did a terrific job carrying her own show.  It was fun and entertaining and free of all the backbiting and drama of RHONY.  I don’t know how she’d do a season two now that her huge events are over.  What do you guys think?  I’ve loved all your comments and participation with this one!

Thanks for reading and for a great ride!
-Honey Gangsta