Beverly Hills Fabulous: Black Fabio

Wouldn’t you like to “Get Elginized”? I know it sounds like something creepy the pedophile posing as your friendly neighborhood ice cream man would offer in the back of his white truck. But before you say “hell to the naw,” let me define “Elginized.” It’s what Elgin Charles the hair stylist to the stars—which I didn’t see any of in his salon—calls his fabulous way of doing hair.

“I look like Kimora Lee Simmons Hounsou with a mustache.”

The episode begins with Elgin sashaying into The Elgin Charles Salon located near, not on, posh Rodeo Drive. He tells his employees that he may have a few business investors. Sean is so excited he stops smacking his Bubblicious. It dangles from his mouth for a few seconds, and then he releases a long “I don’t give a rat’s ass” yawn. After taking offense at Elgin’s instructions to be on his best behavior, Sean explains to the camera how his drama is different than the others. It’s nicesty—nice and nasty. Sounds like it ought to be a McDonald’s slogan.

Thinking she can handle the diva currently known as Sean, his previously fired assistant Syreeta asked for her job back. He granted her wish, agreeing to subject her to even more foul treatment than before. The first day on the job Syreeta told customers that she’s as good as the stylist she was assisting. And, she was fired. Here she is today, back at the salon, and greeting Elgin the owner with an announcement about her birthday. That type of professionalism will not get you employee of the month, even in this salon.

“I ran out of my meds this morning.”

Syreeta claims that she worked 10 years as a stylist. Then why would she now want to assist a stylist? Hmmm. Even with his long luxurious mane blowing in his eyes, Elgin could see something isn’t quite right here.

Nonetheless, the news that Sean finally has an assistant inspires Elgin to do an impromptu hallelujah dance to a holy ghost song. And the show’s production team has the poor judgement to add special affects to the scene. I rolled my eyes so far back in their sockets that I still can’t find my contact lenses.

Syreeta’s brand of crazy is no match for Sean’s. Now enrolled in the self-titled “University of Sean,” Syreeta is forced to play musical work stations at Sean’s whimsy. Sean plans to push Syreeta to her breaking point, hoping she’ll release her inner psycho. I don’t think its too far down. Obviously, too much blond dye has penetrated and infected Sean’s brain. He even expects Syreeta to know how many pieces of ice he wants in his cup. Next, he’ll be asking her to count the waves in his hair.

“Nicesty. I made that up. See, I can work a dictionary as good as a flat iron.”

Poor Elgin probably wishes the consultants he’s meeting with knew something about the cosmetology industry. Consultant #1, Spencer, asks Elgin if he had considered a more conservative hairdo. As he’s talking, Spencer pats his hairless head like he’s presenting it to a kindergarten class during Show and Tell. I would’ve respected him a wee bit more if he would’ve been honest. He should’ve admitted that he resembles a bald eagle, not because he loves a conservative look, but because his hairline has moved behind his ears. That would be considered follicularly challenged, not conservative. The next consultant recommends Elgin do a nude photo shoot. Really? Who wants to see a 50-something year-old, black Fabio look-a-like hair salon owner in a nude ad?

“I can play Duck, Duck Goose all by myself.”

Back on the salon floor, Sean is all over Syreeta like Charlie Sheen on a new crack pipe. Syreeta tells Sean’s “black sequined, mini dress wearing in the daytime” customer that her hair is damaged and recommends she stop frying it. Sean reprimands Syreeta gently this time, but later admits he set her up to fail and he’s proud of it.

Gary the tour bus driver set himself up to fail too. He has a crush on Lolita and rides past the salon several times a day to wave at her. Sean can’t comprehend why a seemingly annoyed Lolita doesn’t appreciate the attention. What he’s really thinking is you need to be happy and hoping that Gary doesn’t get his cataracts removed. The minute his medicinal marijuana prescription has expired and the blurriness clears he’s going to find a new bus route.

“It’s been 5 whole minutes since my last meal!”

Meanwhile, Katrina’s client needs a makeover. She gives her a dry (damn near coughing and wheezing), frizzy hairdo from the 80′s. Katrina may want to check her Merriam-Webster for the definition of “fabulous” because this look falls shorter than a midget on his knees praying.

Who needs Brillo pads when you have hair this dry?

Elgin’s last consultant arrives. She’s greeted by his assistant Tifphanie. (I suspect her name is not spelled that way on her birth certificate.) Disappointed with his earlier appointments, Elgin gets right to the point with Tanya the blond consultant. “What could she know about black hair?” he asks. Surprisingly, blondie was more on the target than the other two consultants. They’ll make great partners, like Laverne and Shirley. Schemeel, schlemazel.

With consultants in and out of the salon all day, the stylists have been keeping the drama to a minimum. But then Gary walks in. Lolita is smiling as if she’s flattered. She might even be blushing under her Pancake No. 5 makeup. But that doesn’t stop her from slowly waddling over to Gary and shooting him down. Then, she sees his wedding ring and catches a whiff of his breath. For someone who didn’t care, Lolita was pretty pissed. She reminded me of Shrek before he met Princess Fiona, simply awnry. And, she’s kinda shaped like him too.