Big Brother: 25, The Year of DEATH

Previously on Big Brother, lots of people said “backdoor” and made Jordan’s meemaw  sick to her stomach….

It’s the only way to keep a boyfriend and not get pregnant, Meemaw.

…and Jeff took the funnest shower ever.

Shouldn’t you be cleaning your ears while you do that? Or was Lane doing it wrong?

Dicklet got Brendan out, but then Jeff took over and things aren’t looking good. At least Volvo is coming up with some brilliant strategies, or this season would be in troubs.

The Ho Who Loved HoHo’s

We open where we left off. Jeff put Kalia T Rex and the City and Volvo on the block. That condescending “Volvo, you need to prove to me that you’re not just a bingeing hooker” speech was pretty awesome. Glad Jeff had a pretty blond to talk down to without having to nominate his girlfriend. Keep the love alive!

Volvo tells us that “I’m the bigger threats on the block.” Huh? Could you please stop trying to talk and get me something very important to drink? Volvo is a cute girl, but she should only express herself in dance. Listening to her repeatedly kick English in the balls hurts. Oh wait. She’s quiet again.

Kalia hugs Volvo, but she tells us that the Old People Alliance wants real competitors in the game, so the bimbo in the bikini should be kicked out. Rude! And how are you a real competitor again? You turned on your alliance in the first week, wasted the only HOH week you’ve ever won, and your current alliance steals every snack in the house. That said, it’s nice to see her backstab Volvo a little, because chunky chicks are supposed to hate thinner girls. It’s natural, and it makes me feel like there’s some order in this chaotic world. Now get back to that killer game play you’re bragging about.

Some of the best inventions were dreamed up while heads rested on bear balls.

Jeff makes it clear to us that his plan is to get Dicklet out, which would mean we’ll get a final month full of Kalia naps and Volvo binges and Adam being useless. Yay…? Dicklet and Kalia sit around whining about how much it sucks to be on the block, and Kalia decides that maybe drinking Jeff’s pee will prove to him that she’s on his side for realz.

They talk about how awesome it will be when Dicklet wins the Veto, not even entertaining the possibility that Kalia could win. LOL. Love it. Dicklet moves on to talk to Volvo, who’s working off some of the BB weight.

I loved you in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?”

Useless Adam goes outside to lick Jeff’s butt while he chain smokes. Adam looks terrified, and he’s in no danger. He always looks scared. Like there’s a ghost standing there at all times threatening to shave his back. He compliments Jeff’s speech, and Jeff asks “whatta day want? Ta get ta da end not doin’ nothin’?” Adam laughs nervously, because he’s smart enough to know that the same could be said about him.

Instead of concentrating on the long list of NOTHING he’s done in the game, he giggles some more and tells Jeff “You taught me how to be classy in this game.” Then he says that if Jeff lets him win the veto again, he’ll do whatever he says. Useless f ing wuss. God is probably mortified that this spineless wonder is named Adam. If this was the original Adam, his rib would have just produced a giant plate of bacon and the world would be womanless. Jeff seems kinda grossed out by Adam, but he smiles politely and lets him giggle and gulp and stroke his ego. I wonder if anyone likes Adam enough to point out that he’s got one of Jeff’s ass hairs in his teeth.

Dicklet, T Rex and the City and Volvo are staring at each other slackjawed in the kitchen when Boobs comes in to hug them and tell them it’s gonna be ok. Kidding! She makes fun of Dicklet for being in a bad mood and asks if it’s because she just turned 25. HAHAHAH. Boobs is so much better without her ape boyfriend in the house to hold her back. Dicklet does her best not to throttle her, so Boobs follows her around and talks about how hard it is to be old. Jessica Tandy was 25 and sad, but then she got cast in Driving Miss Daisy and it all worked out. She says she just turned 25 herself last year, and I have to stop the show so I can laugh and high five the lying TV. Boobs is one crazy bitch, and Dicklet knows it. She keeps her mouth shut before Boobs turns her into Fuggs, like she did to those poor squirrels.

Dicklet tells us that Boobs is obsessed with her, and Boobs just keeps coming up behind her asking how hard it is to be old and useless. Hilarious. Boobs even smiles! Well, if that’s what you call it. Her face moves a little. She looks like a little Asian girl hooked up to an air pump, God bless her heart. At least she’s trying to help Volvo and Kalia slow down with the eating. Would you have an appetite if this was on your fridge?

Dicklet tries to escape, but Boobs follows her outside with her scary face. If Boobs is 25, then Dicklet has reason to be afraid.

And….every twenty five year old just killed themselves. Thanks, Boobs.

What is that in dog years? Jordan chides her for bein’ mean, and Adam looks all shifty eyed and scared. For once, he has a reason to.

When bacon bites back.

Time to pick players for the veto competition! Watching Jeff try to read is adorable. It’s like a fly banging up against the screen door.

I kin see da outside. Why can’t I fly dare!?!?!

One person won’t be playing, and Jeff hopes it’s Shelley. She hasn’t proven that she can do anything but get confused about everyday food products, and her deflating beaver face makes it hard for him to concentrate. Kalia gets HG choice and picks her, though. Boobs is left out of the game, which is awesome because it makes her frown and is there anything better? The editors give us a perfect profile shot, and it’s a PSA warning against the dangers of buying plastic surgery procedures with a Groupon discount.

Jordan gets to take off her humilitard, and she turns it into a really awkward striptease. It’s like watching the kid from Jerry Maguire trying to be sexy.

Jeff says he’s getting turned on, but I don’t buy it. Shelly, on the other hand, gets an inflamed wattle and puts her hands over her boner.

Jeff and Jordan lie in bed and watch the HOH TV. They make up lines for what’s happening, and basically make fun of Volvo for following Dicklet around like a lap dog and eating a lot. HAHAH. Then they get into a battle of wits over how to pronounce mischievous. No one wins. Every time I see them conversing, I think of how when dogs meet they just walk around in a circle smelling each other’s butts. You don’t need language to love. Just a good instinct about ass. They decide that there must be two different words that are spelled the same but pronounced differently. I have to take a break. My forehead is bleeding from pounding on my desk over and over. BRB.

Speaking of lying around being sexless…

Kalia is nervous about the upcoming Veto competition and hopes that it’s a game she can win. Unless it’s all about spelling words with your stretch marks, you might wanna come up with an alternate plan. Dicklet suggests Kalia do her best to not suck this time, and Kalia says that she has only sucked in the past because she didn’t HAVE to win. Ooooooh!!! It’s gameplay! In that case, GREAT FUCKING WORK. Dicklet wants to concentrate on strategy, but Kalia finds a cupcake crumb on her shoulder and stops paying attention.

And now, it’s time for Boob’s vibrator to make a guest appearance.

The Zingbot!! Favorite guest star ever!! Boobs begs it to zing her, but all he will say is that she says fiance a lot. Um…really? Talk about the potholes on her face or her fake boobs or her toilet lid teeth. Show some range, dude! Zing tells Jeff he has a lame soul patch, and Jeff says he likes it and so do da people in Chicaaago, so maybe you should go play for da Packers! Man, Jeff knows how to pick a stereotype and stick with it. I’ll give him that. I was gonna make a fudge packers joke but erased it. See? You can walk away from a stereotype!

Zing tells Volvo she should be named after a car with a roomier trunk!! LOL!! That thing just called her a fat ass!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! She laughs, but I don’t know if she gets it. Which is why I can never truly dislike her. It also helps that she’s trying to check out his package. VIP cocktail waitresses.

Boobs was left alone, but not little Dicklet! Zing asks if she has a car or prefers riding on the coat tails of her dad. OH SHIT! Well, I think we just found out where Grodner stands. Dicklet’s gonna dismantle that thing in its sleep. Zing calls Adam Uncle Fester. I heartily disagree. Adam has never given me a boner.

And…I just pitched a tent.

Meanwhile, Shelly’s showing off her man hands and wondering what the hell guacamole is.

We don’t have robots where I live. Just peanut butter. And sun. Lots and lots of sun.

Zing calls her a dude. HA. Zing says that Kalia writes a sex blog but only knows how to swallow stuff and sleep. He moves on to Jordan, saying Jeff hasn’t proposed because she sucks at answering questions. HAHA. She doesn’t get it. LOLOLOLLLLLL. Time for the veto competition! The mission is to build the Bride of Zingbot, and they have to read zings PAs wrote out for them on cue cards at the same time. Badly. Jeff says Kalia and Volvo are napping, and Kalia says Adam should be good at putting together girls that come out of a kit. He fires back by saying her only boyfriend needs a charger. That doesn’t make any sense. Big Macs don’t even run on electricity.

Kalia’s goal is for Dicklet to win and save her ass. Good luck with that. Dicklet doesn’t trust Jeff and knows if she loses she will be kicked the hell out. But Jeff is all about honesty and being a good person. He wouldn’t go back on his word! He’s an honest, solid guy who only cares about people sticking to their word and playing clean! Jordan zings herself by calling herself a disaster. HAHAH. Love her.

Adam says that he’s not going to win on purpose. Uh huh. He could win if he wanted to you guys. Shelly is the same way and says that she’s gonna lose on purpose too. The casting of this season is almost as lazy as the homely slugs on my damn TV right now. Jeff wins this one easily, and everyone looks super happy they’ll get to spend the next week listening to his condescending badly pronounced bullshit. Just when I thought I couldn’t be any more disappointed with the outcome of this game, this happened:

I’m officially disgusted. The cornhole game was last week.

Kalia freaks out to Shelly. She thinks she’s the target. Oh, Kalia. Dicklet’s a goner. You’re useless enough to take all the way, girl. Shelly says that she’s firm on her final three deal with J&J, but she’s gonna lie her ass off to make Kalia think she’s on her side. Kalia is convinced that everyone’s afraid of her brilliant gameplay, which is the most hilarious thing that’s happened tonight.

Shelly and Adam go to get gossip from Jeff, but he won’t tell them squat. Shelly tells him everything Kalia just said, and my last hope for this season is that someone finally catches on to her bs and lets her have it. I am now rooting for Boobs to do just that. So wow. I’m rooting for Boobs. This show does sick shit to your brain. Volvo and Dicklet whine about their fates. In bed. Because that’s just how the game is played this year.

Volvo catches Jeff in the kitchen. She’s heating up a neck roll because she’s gaining weight so fast that her head is starting to rest on her shoulders. They talk really awkward game, and she promises him that he won’t come after him if she ever learns how to win at anything. He gives her another condescending “maybe this time you should try talking more about gameplay you dumb headed girl” speech and goes upstairs. Kalia’s waiting for him. She tries to scare him into keeping her by resting her scary jugs on her knees. I think she’s trying to turn him gay. Gay guys are generally nicer to homely girls. Cover. UP.

She strings a lot of useless words together to sound like she’s saying something important, and Jeff says that he trusts her because she was good on her promise to not put Jordan up a couple weeks ago and “in dis game, people’s word means everything ta me.” Uh-huh. Like how you gave Dicklet your word? Such a hypocritical ass. He’s really obnoxious. With a shirt on.

Kalia says it really bugs her that she could leave before Volvo, who’s done nothing. I’m sorry, what the HELL have you done, woman? Kalia is arguing pretty well though. There is someone that has actually done slightly less than she has, which is a miracle she needs to exploit. If she really wants to go there, she should remind him how utterly useless Useless Adam is. Volvo may be a nitwit, but at least she doesn’t clog the shower drain with her back hair.

She rambles out a bunch of nonsense, but he one ups her in that department. Something about how if she’s still here next week and he’s still here too, then that means he slapped da wrist and she slapped da wrist. Huh? He obviously wants Dicklet out, but he’s making a deal with Kalia so that she’ll lick his Adam flavored cornhole all week. Kalia falls for it, cuz she’s Kalia.

Next up is a meeting with Dicklet. She rambles nervously about how like he was never like her like target and if he wants to she can like make a final four deal with him or even a final three deal and get rid of Kalia later and he was like never you know like her target. He nods, and is so not going to go with that.

Volvo’s “save me” speech is cute, and she compliments his haircut. HEHEH. Kalia rambles on about nothing with lots of useless words. She does promise to make him cake, though. In the end, he takes off Volvo and puts up Dicklet. She says there will be hell to pay and it will be his biggest regret, but it’s sounding sad instead of threatening. Sometimes she really does look like her dad.

I’ve seen your future, and it sho is ugly.

When he makes his move, he of course lectures Dicklet about honesty and the golden rule and all the other do as I say not as I do caca. Shelly is super interested in all this. I think that’s what this face means. It’s hard to tell. I see a tether ball that’s been beat a little too much.

In Jeff’s dad speech, he tells Dicklet that she made a mistake telling him that she blabbed to Julie about not regretting putting him up so she could make a big move. Why the hell would Dicklet tell him that? I have been rooting for her, but she makes it kinda hard. He ends by putting her nose in her pee and firmly saying “outside! Outside! You go peepee outside!”

Dicklet is pissed, and tells us she has no regrets and says he just made his worst game move. Um….not lookin good for Dicklet. Jeff says that she’s going home, and it’s gonna be “aaaaward! Shoooocker!” Then he does the exact same thing I’m doing right now.