Big Brother: A Hoffly Boring Episode

Previously on Big Brother: The Regulators proved to be one of the worst alliances in BB history as two of its members were the first two houseguests out the door, the newbies — no thanks to any effort on their part — may have a shot at survival due to cracks in the veteran alliance, and Boofles seized control of the house again.

“Anyone prettier than me, grab your life vests!”

“I wonder if we should we tell Adam that he needs a life vest?”

As we rewatch the footage of Cassi’s eviction, WormLips (Shelly) boo hoos about missing her friend, glossing over the Kalia elephant in the room that Cassi’s eviction means that WormLips received a golden key.  Not to mention that the 9-0 vote should reaffirm to WormLips that her gameplay has been stellar so far.  And it really has been — she and Dicklet are impressing me quite a bit.  I’m sure they’ll fuck it up eventually, but so far — nice work.

Jordo tells us that she didn’t really want Cassi to leave, but that she felt it was too early to go after Boofles.  As I’ve mentioned before, I think Jordan made the best move with her HOH.  Fat and the City (Kalia) and Lawrong (not racist, just giant tool, is what I take away from the lively debate on Thursday’s recap) aren’t worth wasting an HOH on at this point, and it behooves J/J to keep Boofles around as Boofles is the bigger target couple.  As for Boobs, she’s awful as usual, gloating about how Cassi will watch her win the game from Cassi’s couch.  Rumor has it that Keith and Cassi are both in sequester, opening the door for someone to return to the game later on.  I’d like to see Cassi come back just to wipe that smirk off Boobs’ face.

Lawrong bitches to us that Cassi went home only because of petty girl bullshit.  Okay, that’s at least partially true, but shouldn’t this idiot be thanking God for that petty girl bullshit?  If Boofles didn’t have the issue with Cassi, it likely would have been him and FATC on the block.  He then whoops and hollers at his own cleverness for referring to this as “Rachel’s house.”  Dear lord.  Third person talking is next, I can just feel it coming.  Sort of like bad mexican food…

“WHOO-EEE!  Move over, Martin Lawrence!  This ain’t ‘Big Momma’s House’, this be big Rachel’s house!  BAM!”

We then rewatch Boobs’ HOH win, and she gloats some more about how she’s never lost an HOH.  Well, actually she lost the first HOH last season to HAYDEN, but who’s keeping track?  Oh yeah, that’s right — BOOBS.  Idiot.  Ah, selective memory must be nice.  And I don’t mean the blacking out type.  There is nothing fun about sending the “Soooo… how bad was I last night?” texts.  Sniffles tells us how awesome Boobs is at the trivia competitions, informing us that he’s the more athletic one of the duo.  Actually, I’d say they’re about equally athletic.  If she didn’t have those twin 15 pound weights hanging off of her, I’d give her the edge.  However, if Sniffles wants to call himself the whiner or more condescending one, he won’t get any arguments from me.

The newbies are understandably annoyed with the veterans winning again, but bitching and moaning doesn’t win competitions.  You all got beat, fair and square.  Virgin (Dominic) tells us that he hopes his schmoopy act with Dicklet will help save him from the block this week, but the odds of that aren’t very likely as Jeff begins gunning for Virgin immediately.  Jeff tells us that he thinks he and Jordan should have some say in the nominations as they let Boobs have her way re: Cassi last week.  Aww, Jeff, how cute thinking that Boobs will believe in tit for tat.  You’re so pretty when you’re not being a homophobic twat.  So how bout you just not talk, okay?  You can flex though.  Please flex.  Mmm.

Later that night, Boobs comes flying out of the DR, squealing “Who wants to see my HOH roooooom?!?”  Amusingly, the house guests all hide from sight, leaving Boobs standing there looking more uncomfortable than she did the last time someone asked her to explain exactly how a VIP cocktail waitress differs from a prostitute.  After everyone jumps out and pelts Boobs with pillows, we go up to HOH where us viewers have to pretend to be interested in looking at Boob’s pictures for a FOURTH time.  Virgin whines that he’s had to do this twice now — he can suck it.  Boobs reads a boring letter from her sister, babbling about wedding plans.  Jeff tries to bring some humor to the situation by dead-panning that he didn’t know Boobs is engaged, but this one’s a lost cause, folks.

“Cheese!  We’re trashy!”

Adam joins Boofles up in HOH to make his case, while sweating like a pig.  You are what you eat, dude.  Adam tries to direct Boofles to Lawrong/FATC, and while Boobs makes a few disgusted remarks about floaters, she doesn’t seem to be taking the bait.  Gotta give him credit though for targeting her weak point.  Too bad for him that FATC isn’t more attractive and therefore more of a threat to Boobs’ ego.  Sure enough, Boobs tells us that she feels that Adam already blew his chance at an alliance with Boofles, so she doesn’t trust him.

Next up is Lawrong.  Sniffles tries to relate to him, hilariously asking Lawrong “what’s crack-a-lackin” while wishing that Boobs’ HOH basket contained some watermelon.  Lawrong tells Boofles that he needs them in the house.   Boobs asks what is Lawrong’s strategy moving forward, and he says a bunch of vague crap about staying as long as he can in house.  No shit, Sherlock.  What he says is pointless, but I will concede that there’s a chance that he made a decent point that I was too distracted by the argyle socks/orange crocs ensemble to pick up on.   Boobs likewise is unimpressed, telling us that she has no idea what the hell Lawrong was saying and that she doesn’t trust him, either.

In other news, we now have to watch a time killer segment in which we learn that the Virgin snores.  Snore (pun intended).  Jeff seems to be the most bothered by the snoring, and has resorted to chucking things at Virgin’s head while he sleeps to get him to STFU.

“Lay still, Jordo, I’m trying to nail me a virgin.”“JEFF!  I told you that my momma don’t need to see you trying to use your mister-mister to water my flower garden!”“Wait-  what?!”

Boobs and her see-through shirt bounces out of the diary room, announcing a luxurious (per Enzo) competition.  Everyone will play including the golden key holders, and there will not be any have nots this week.  They head out to the backyard to see a red carpet set up, while Adam doubly offends us with both a bacon t-shirt and a nervous breakdown about the possibility that Tori Spelling may make a surprise appearance.  How sad is your life when your only distinguishing personality traits are a love for cured meat and untalented anorexics who happened to fall out of the right birth canal.

Some random dude comes out to greet the house guests, resulting in everyone awkwardly mumbling that they don’t recognize this “celeb” until they realize that no one has a clue who he is.  Long story short, this is promo for that shitty new CBS show “Same Name”, in which a shameless “celeb” trades lives with a Joe Schmo of the same name.  This particular Joe Schmo explains that they will be given clues as to his name, and the first house guest to guess correctly will win the competition and a luxury prize — sure to be a viewing of this craptastic show.  Hell, anything’s better than watching Jordan sitting around, trying to conjugate verbs.

The first clue is three bars of soap and a pair of fancy opera binoculars.  Understandably, everyone is confused as this is a really odd and vague clue.  That is — everyone but Jordan.  She tells us that she thought “watch” for the binoculars and frankly I still don’t understand how the hell she came up with “bay” from the soap.  Regardless, she comes up with “baywatch” from the clue, checks with Jeff on the correct actor name, and goes inside to officially guess David Hasselhoff. Spoiler alert — Rain Main Jordan strikes again, as she is correct.  There are two other clues, but I refuse to legitimize this commercial any further.  Needless to say, the other guesses are ridiculous as these morons can’t be bothered to view the clues in their entirety but instead merely guess based off of the most recent clue.  Once the clues are mercifully overwith, the house guests are ushered outside where David Hasselhoff awaits.

“Hiya, housh gueshts, anyones wantsh a burger?”

They give the Hoff a tour, and then he (drunkenly? Dude seriously seems a bit off, no joke) reads off cue cards to announce that Jordan won.  With these impressive acting skills, no wonder why the Hoff turned to reality TV.  Jordan has to pick 3 people to join her in her punishment reward of watching Same Name, and she picks Jeff, WormLips and Fat and the City.  Not the wisest choices as they basically outed whom she’s working with from the newbies — but it’s Jordan, so hardly surprising.  Also not surprising — Boobs is PISSED.

Nobody comes between me and MY crappy luxury competition reward!

Just as Boobs is not one to let a pouting opportunity pass, Sniffles is not one to let a condescension opportunity pass.  He ushers Boobs into the lounge, where he lectures her about having helped Volvo (Porsche) with her guess.  Umm, Volvo guessed Michale Jackson, who is DEAD, and she didn’t win, so what’s it matter?  God, sometimes Sniffles is such a neanderTAL.  Boobs does some more of her no-tears fake crying, and Sniffles threatens to quit since he could just as easily be sitting at home taking videos of his wang, thankyouverymuch.  Boobs says she doesn’t want him to leave but she wishes that he wouldn’t take everything so seriously.  She’s correct in this situation, but that’s not really an accomplishment when your debate opponent is Sniffles.  He whines that he’s risking his PhD for this show, but again see: WangerGate.

Meanwhile, Dicklet, Adam, Virgin, and Lawrong are in the dining room, where they can hear Boofles fighting, albeit slightly muffled.  Virgin points out that Boofles are super immature in that they are all smiles and gloating when they win, and crying and arguing when they lose.  He compares them to third graders, which may be insulting to third graders.

Back up to HOH, the Hoff takes his leave because Jordan is taken and there’s not enough scotch in the world to make WormLips or FATC attractive.  Jordan tells us that she realizes that Boobs is pissed, but that she didn’t want to make Same Name even worse by listening to Boofles play hide the test tube during the viewing.  She also doesn’t want to kiss Boobs’ ass just because she’s HOH– which is exactly what Boobs thinks Jordo should be doing.  WormLips volunteers to go downstairs and let Boobs take her place in the reward.  Cunning strategy or desperate attempt to avoid watching Same Name — discuss.  Jordan holds fast to her decision.

“No, really, it’s okay.  I don’t mind.  I totally will go — OMG PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME WATCH THAT!”

Sniffles has now worked himself into a rage downstairs because he’s an even bigger drama queen than Boobs.  He tells her that they should nominate Jeff and Jordan over this huuuuuge insult of not being invited to join in the luxury reward.  Crappy reward aside, shouldn’t they try to look on the bright side and see that it’s GOOD for J/J to work on cementing the allegiance of newbies like WormLips and FATC?  But that’s assuming these two can see beyond instant gratification.  My mistake.

We’re subjected to another 5 minutes or so of these two asshats arguing, during which we learn that it was Boobs who wanted to go back on BB, that she intends to have a wedding consisting of both a 10g wedding dress and a 10g wedding cake, and that Boobs IS capable of actual tears when she’s discussing giving up this dream three ring circus wedding.   That she wants us viewers to pay for — seriously, google their registry.  You can buy them a $725 teapot that Sniffles can fill with his tears.  He’s getting a head start on that right now.  Oh boo hoo hoo, you sir are the WORST.

Virgin comes to join Boofles, claiming that he wants to 100% work with them.  He tells us that he is sincere because he knows that by aligning with Boofles, he will always be the smallest target in that alliance.  This is true, but it also means spending extra time with Boofles, so I don’t know if it’s worth it.  I figure he’ll be driven to insanity long before the potential benefits of that arrangement come to a head.  Sniffles suggests that Virgin and Dicklet team up with Boofles, and Boobs seems all for it mostly because she’s angry at Jordan still for the luxury competition.  Sure sounds like solid reasoning.  Then again, maybe crazy eyes McGee has worn her down.

“The medical community will respect me after two stints on Big Brother and me flashing my wang around on the internet!  IT WILL OR I WILL MELT IT WITH MY MIND!”

Virgin goes back to report to Dicklet, and strokes her bony ego by saying that she’s a Donato and she needs to do some damage.  Dicklet LOVES it, ignoring/oblivious to the fact that Virgin didn’t even know who the hell she and Dick were on Day 1.  If you recall, he actually thought she was banging Methface.  <shudder>  Feel so dirty now…  Virgin says he has no problems putting up Jeff and Jordan, but Dicklet wisely wants to convince Boofles to do their dirty work to keep the blood off their hands.  To further this end, she goes up to HOH to talk to Boofles and trash talk J/J, trying to convince Boofles to draw first (legitimate, not retarded) blood.

Sniffles is unsure, telling us that putting up J/J too early might be shooting Boofles in the foot.  Then again, you’ve got Boobs’ personality to deal with so you’re already up shit creek without a paddle.  Dicklet goes to leave, finding Jeff right outside the door.  The show tries to make this all dramatic, but HOH has the spyscreen so I can’t believe that Dicklet and Boofles didn’t see Jeff coming.  They trade places, and Boofles pretends to be perfectly okay with Jordan not picking Boofles for the luxury.  They’re even worse liars than they are people.  The trio begins discussing the strength of their alliance, and Jeff appears to talk Boobs down from the ledge of nominating J/J.  For now.  Her paranoid ass will definitely attack first.

Nominations time.  Adam and Virgin seem confident that they are going to be nominated, with each one thinking that the deal they struck with Boofles will keep them safe.  Lawrong thinks that he’s safe should he and FATC be nominated, which we know isn’t going to happen because they’ve yet again been given barely any airtime.  Even if they were to be nominated, I think he and FATC are equally irritating and useless, so that one would be a crapshoot.  Jeff knows that Boobs is a loose cannon, but since we don’t hear from Jordan too, it’s safe to assume that they will not be nominated.  Sure enough, Adam and Virgin are the nominees.  Boobs gives the generic “this is purely strategic” speech, and both nominees seem unfazed, each one telling us that he thinks he is safe.  My gut says the Baconator is safer than the Virgin, but a lot can change over the next 4 days.

So what did you think?  I gotta be honest — this episode was a little painful for me, between the “luxury” competition and the extended remix of Boofles fighting.  Do you think that Boofles made the right decision in nominating Adam/Virgin, or should they have gone after Jeff and Jordan?  Who do you think is the actual target between Adam and Virgin?  Will Dicklet continue to play an awesome game, or is she getting a bit too aggressive in pushing Boofles to nominate J/J?  Thanks for reading and see you guys soon!

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