We open where we left off, with the MOST IMPORTANT HOH COMPETITION EVAH!!! Why? I don’t know. But it is fun to see how people come up with different strategies to hold on to a bar. Take Sheriff Mascara for example. She knows she’s not winning this one, cuz she never wins anything. So why not just try to look cute? I said try.
I’m gonna write you a ticket, tiger. With my wattle.
Matt tells us how important this win is for the Duhgade. You know what’s important, Matt? T-shirts. T-shirts are important. You’ve done pushups for like two weeks. Put those things away.
After Hayden shouts at us about how unfair it is that Boobs/Brendon are still here over Kristen, we see a flashback of Kristen getting kicked out so that Hayden can yell at us about it some more. Back in color now, Boobs yells at the camera about how happy Kristen’s gone. Sheriff is happy that she wasn’t yelled at for voting in favor of Kristen this time, and Enzo starts making up rhymes. “The animal is back, and the duhgade’s back on track.” Positive: He’s wearing a shirt. Negative: He doesn’t have an extra one for Matt. Eight minutes into the competition, and Gaygan’s already whining.
Nothing a hooha fart joke can’t fix.
His arms hurt. WAH. Oh for crying out loud you’re a BOTTOM. Nothing hurts more than that. Bite a pillow or something, you wuss. He asks Matt what he should do and Matt just smiles. Enzo, who (along with Brit) is taking the hits by the giant paint brush very personally, says that the good part is that the brush is bitch slapping Brendon for him. HAHA. Sheriff, shockingly, can’t take any more of this. She yells “I’m gonna take the Have Not for y’all, is that a deal?” What the hell kind of deal do you expect, Mascara? Losing EVERY SINGLE TIME doesn’t win you a prize. I would think she’d have a shot at winning the one challenge that involved free goop being slathered onto her face.
If they hadn’t made her wear goggles she would have had this shit sewn up.
The other HG’s laugh at her openly, and no one says yes to any kind of deal. She jumps anyway, saying “I took one for the team, you’re welcome!” I don’t even know where she learned that phrase, because I am positive she has never been picked for any team ever. People keep laughing at her and Brit tells us how she feels about Sheriff’s heroic play.
Of course, you must remember that Sheriff Mascara isn’t a cop. She’s a sheriff. She’s not chasing criminals, she’s making twenty year olds do it while she eats doughnuts and…puts on a lot of mascara.
Roscoe, arrest them Duke boys! I want that road blocked tighter than a tick’s ass!
This move angers me because Sheriff’s already an easy target and too easy and I was looking forward to a really interesting week. She grins like she just made the most devious play in the book. I love Sheriff Mascara cuz I honestly can’t say whether thinks being sexy, playful, or smart when she makes faces like this:
She’s a sweet girl (head pat.) I wish we were friends so I could invite her over and beat her at any game. Unless it involved eyelid strength. Speaking of strength: Lane is already whining. What is the point of working out if you can’t outlast Enzo or Gaygan or Matt? His body spends so much energy just carrying itself around that it’s got no strength left for an HOH competition. Working out makes you weaker. You heard it here first.
Yeah, but can you lift a remote control without sweating and breathing hard? No. No you can’t. Neither can I, but still.
Enzo tries to make light, but Boobs snuffs it out immediately with her white trash soccer mom routine. “You got this, Brendon! Focus on the ball Brendon! Brendon stop acting like such a whiny cry-ey little baby and try to kick the ball! Brendon you fucking loser! No wonder your father left us! He hated the sight of you. It was like seeing himself but with the personality of a weak simpering BABY, Brendon! I’m leaving you. I’m gonna go find your dad. You’ll probably be homeless now. And you’ll probably SUCK at it like you SUCK at everything else!” Deep breath. Sad horns. No wonder poor Brendon wants to drop. It’s the only way to stop. That. Squealing.
Everyone takes turns imitating her, but of course Britney does it best.
Boobs is hilarious. She’s just babbling out supportive cliches one after the other, totally bored. I imagine this is how she probably gives handjobs at her Very Important Cocktail Server job.
Time to make the donuts.
Twenty three minutes into it, Enzo can’t take any more. Sheriff yells at him to be strong. I’m surprised she had the strength to even say that. Enzo tells us that he’s happy to let the Duhgade win this one for him. This pisses Matt off. I hope enough to wear his little skull and bones pajamas later to try and look threatening.
The brush comes back out and starts whipping everyone in the face. Thankfully, Sheriff is out there to take on the white trash soccer mom role before Boobs’ voice goes out. Matt uses Britney, who’s next to , as a spy. She reports that Brendon’s looking really bad. I wholeheartedly disagree.
Everyone’s stressing about how long Brendon can stay up. Hayden shouts that if Brendon wins the Duhgade’s whole plan is gonna blow up in their face.
It might be an improvement.
Julia Roberts in a movie about traveling the world and “letting go.” Pass.
This is the only kind of “letting go” I wanna see Julia Roberts do.
When we come back from break, Boobs is still nose yelling at Brendon, and he falls. She brings him a towel and he almost cries. Please. Please cry right now. Boobs tells us that she’s furious because she’s had to compete and win twice for them and he’s already out. Then Brendon starts dry crying. LOL. Boobs tries to act all loving and supportive, but then snaps out “you better win the POV.” He gets all wah she should be supportive and learn to appreciate my total lack of manhood! God that guy’s a puss. She tells him that she’s gonna be the one going home without the POV, and she’s right. Maybe he knows that and did that on purpose. Honestly how else could he be third one out? I think he might just have a headache from listening to that voice for over a month and need some time without her. Like forever.
Enzo jokes with Lane to keep him….focused? Bad plan.
It’s official. Muscles make you weak. I’m not gonna say it again. Stop whatever you’re lifting right now and relax.
Britney reasons that she’s safe if she falls and doesn’t wanna be the one to nominate Boobdon anyway, so she’s out. She beat Lane and Brendon both and still gets to eat whatever she wants this week. I’d say that was well done. Hayden falls seconds after, and now it’s Gaygan and Matt. Gaygen congratulates Matt, like making the top two in a competition means anything. Then he does that Oscar acceptance speech thing he does when he almost wins but still loses. Once he’s thanked all of the other talented people in his category, he’s out. Shocker. He rambles on about losing being his strategy, but that would be easier to swallow if he hadn’t just spent five minutes thanking his agent and manager and parents and God and wagged his finger at all the kids who made fun of him in school when he was still a nothing. Boobs pats him on the back and congratulates him for doing so well, even if he didn’t win.
Hayden shouts, happily this time, and says that if Matt screws up the nominations this week they’re kicking him out of the brigade. And then you’ll be left with Enzo and Lane. Matt can do whatever he wants, and probably will. Matt tells us that it’s funny how Boobs spent all week acting like the queen of the castle and now she’s moping around in a Snuggy in the ever popular Ho cut.
My underarms are warm, but my vagina’s freezing.
She knows she’s screwed and just keeps her mouth shut. Defeat sounds great on her. The Duhgade meets in the super secret pantry to laugh that Boobdon is already squirming. Then Hayden spit talks about how he can’t wait to make Boobdon pay. That guy sounds like his dentures are always looth. Enzo knows that Matt is, well, kind of a slimy little freak who changes course mid plan cuz he gets drunk on power, so he’s worried.
Brendon finds Boobs and begs her to not be mad at him, but she just pouts and tells him insincerely that he did a really good job. She says she knows what’s going on but she can’t talk about it. Then she cries. He, of course, makes it about him and asks if she thinks he’s going home this week. LOL!! So she never gets her drama because her boyfriend can outdrama any chick. Strike out.
She is so grossed out by that that she drops the crying act and brushes him away so she can eat something. HAHAHAHAHAH. He gets annoyed that she just won’t let him support her. You know how you can support her? By going back to the HOH competition and not falling you fucking wussy! I have one word to sum up this relationship:
Who wants to see Matt’s HOH room? You neither? Let’s go anyway. Brit spoofs Boobs going into her HOH room, screaming and acting like everything’s a thrill. She keeps screaming and playing with her hair and says flat out that she’s doing Boobs but Boobs doesn’t quite get it. It can’t be said enough: LLB.
The HGs start leaving the room one by one. They are playing a game called Trapped, which is where the last person out is the one who gets stuck talking to Boobdon. HAHAHAH. LOVE. IT. Boobdon doesn’t make any plays on Matt at the moment. Instead they just stare at him awkwardly. When Matt finally has some time alone, he is shown Pandora’s Box. Ooooooh mystery! It’s risky, are you gonna take it? Of course he is, but he takes as much time as possible to decide, cuz he’s got a pair of nipples that need their airtime and he’s gonna soak in the sun while it’s out.
Sorry sir, but you can’t come in here without a shirt.
He takes the Diamond Veto, which means he can use the power this week or next and also choose the replacement nominee, but he has to keep it secret. Damn! That makes the whole thing too easy!! Who came up with this brilliant twist? Now we just get to watch the Duhgade win this whole thing with even less effort than they’ve already put forth, and that’s saying a lot. ARGH. Oh well, we’re guaranteed some crizazy ass Boobs behavior, so YAY. Matt hides the veto in his suitcase, which is covered in pink skull and bones.
Did you hear that? It was the sound of every evil genius in the world slapping their foreheads at the same time.
Matt can always be trusted to take the easiest situation ever and turn it into an elaborate disaster, and today is no different. He goes straight down to the back yard and tells everyone that he got the option to open Pandora’s box and he took it. He says he won another sign with a dollar on it. Crickets. Even Lane can smell a rat, and look at him. He’s wearing a head bandage and a For Rent sign.
Brendon doesn’t buy it at all, and Enzo says even though it’s fishy he’s part of the Duh so he has to trust him. Then he starts twitching in Morse code to the cameras in case that guy he knows who knows a guy is watching. Matt is at least smart enough to know that no one bought his lie. Well, Boobs believes him, but she’s not giving it a lot of thought because she’s still pouting. Brendon gets it in her brain, and she could be processing it or she could be coming up with a chemical compound to cure the common cold. I can’t tell.
Gaygan puts on his J-Lo sunglasses to gossip with Britney and Hayden. He explains, with huge expressions and ( I presume) super wide eyes that Pandora’s Box means Matt got something good and now something bad will happen. Like maybe they will bring someone back! He leans back like he just came up with the most sinister conspiracy ever and they’ve never done that on Big Brother.
Gaygan goes to the diary room, and there’s his “America Likes You Enough to Hand You Twenty Thousand Bucks Cuz There’s No Way In Hell You’re Going to Even Come Close to Winning this Shiat” card waiting for him on the seat. He flinches as he reads that America has chosen him to be the saboteur, like someone’s throwing balls at him. WTH is wrong with him? Twenty thousand bucks for making it two weeks? Take the money and run, Dolores! He says that he’s honored that America voted for him at all for anything, but on the other hand, it could ruin his game but on the other hand he doesn’t have a game but on the other hand he might win this whole thing but on the other hand there’s no chance of that happening unless he wins either intellectual ability or physical prowess in a cake walk on the other hand there hasn’t been a cakewalk this season on the other hand I like cake.
Minutes pass as he hems and haws. Hours. Days. It’s season 13 now. Clown music plays. Grodner finally throws a fried chicken bone at his head and he spits out “I’ll do it!” One thing that’s ingratiating about Gaygan is how unaware of the camera he is.
Ebert’s become a real sourpuss in his old age. So the reviews suck. But she’s got her name and face on currency, which I think means she won.
Boobs goes to Matt, who is on a bed with Gaygan. She tells Gayg to stay because he and Matt are butt buddies anyway. She wants to lay it out on the table and says that she knows Matt has it in for her, but he also knows that if he puts up I and Brendon, that one of them will win POV. He snickers “yeah, that’s why you guys are so scared of me.” Huh? She rolls her eyes and says she’s there speaking for herself and what if she called Matt and Gaygan “you guys”? So disrespectful! PUHLEEEEEZE! OK so you’re not with Brendon now? OK. Go five minutes without a penis to stroke in the dark. No? I didn’t think so.
Gaygan, not having to be fakey bakey hagfaggy now that Boobs has no power, starts pointing in her face and rolling his head about how he’s not in an alliance with anyone and stop making things up. She looks at him like she can’t even believe he’s still in the room and tells him it’s not about him. He scrunches his forehead and gets red in the face and rolls his head more, saying that he would have left but then she suggested he and Matt were a couple. Why is he so defensive? If it’s not TRUE?!? He might just be sad that he’s the gay guy and has had zero chances to roll his head, or he may be guilty. Either way, he’s acting crazy.
But, as always, Boobs takes the bait and starts fighting with him. They get all squealy with each other while Matt sits back and enjoys the show. Brendon creeps up and listens at the door before going in. He is immediately on side I Want a Blowjob Before Bed, saying that Matt and Gaygan are just as much a couple as Boobdon. Gaygan is still pissed but there’s no way he’s gonna pull attitude with Brendon the same way he did with Boobs. One, Brendon could stomp him. Two, Brendon could split him like a log on a lumberjack’s stump. Neither will happen, but Gaygen has his jerkoff material for the week either way. Boobs, suddenly calm, tells Gaygan and Brendon to both gtfo. Gaygan shows how incensed he is by smoothing out the sheets on his way out.
If these sheets are wrinkled, ain’t no one blaming this queen YOU HEAR ME!?!?
Awesome pointless drama, Gaygan. In the kitchen, Brendon tells the Duhgade that he was just in there because it was two against one. Gaygan gets all snippy and tells Brendon that he wasn’t privy, and by coming into a room of people and saying what happened in a conversation “perpetuates things”. Gaygan knows a lot of words but not how to string them together. He’s just picking shit out of a bag of stuff he’s heard Frasier say in reruns. There’s a pause while Hayden tries to figure out what “perpetuate” means.
In the other room, Matt asks Boobs what she wanted to talk about. She pouts. He laughs at her pouting. She says she doesn’t wanna even talk now cuz there’s no point. He laughs more and encourages her to grovel. She hears Brendon and Gaygen shouting so she goes to the kitchen, makes Brendon leave, and mutters “I’m sorry I’m a bitch” to Gaygen as she heads back to the bed Matt’s still laying in stroking a hairless cat, rubbing an invisible beard and laughing maniacally.
She tries to reason (if you can call it that) with him, saying that there are 9 left and it wouldn’t make sense to get rid of two strong players that could be on his side. Actually, he’s got three, plus Gaygen and Britney. He can’t say that, of course, so instead he just tries to think of something really smart and evil genius-y to say. He can’t think of anything, so he just says “Things swirl.” Um…Boobs continues. He could have winners on his team or a bunch of yokels who can’t win shit. Matt says that he doesn’t know what to do and he knows if he gets rid of Brendon or Boobs that the one who stays will be gunning for him next week. We all know what he’s gonna do, but it’s sweet of him to try and make this interesting. Even if he insists on doing it by showing us his scrawny thirteen year old man bumps.
Later on, the house is quiet and…the tv starts making that loud fuzz noise. That only means one of two things! Boobs is trying to think deeply or there’s a new saboteur! He says he’s back and he’s here to ruin everyone and win the whole thing. Gaygan starts hyperventilating.
What wasn’t me! Not me! It’s totally Monet you guys.
Luckily for him, Matt looks guilty as hell too.
Brendon is confused that something bad is happening, cuz if Matt opened Pandora’s Box and only got a dollar, that would mean that something good would happen now. Dingdingding! Enzo talks him off that ledge. Once you start smartening up there’s no going back. Just stay pretty, Brendon. Shhhhh.
The HGs try to figure out how this twist even works. It’s a new saboteur? Who would even want to do that since it screws up your game? And did this have to do with Pandora’s Box or is it something else? Gaygan puts his knees to his chest and rocks back and forth. He’s gonna crack! He sputters “It could be anything…” Everyone stares at him for a moment in silence and then he makes this face.
Everyone talks about how there’s no way that they would do it, and Gagyan says “well they must have some incentive…” Duh Gaygan. Just be quiet. Nomination time! Boobs says that Matt’s too much of a “pansy” to go against the house and she will be up with Brendon. How old is she? The last time I hear “pansy” was when I almost ran an old lady down on my way into the Big Lots parking lot. She was pissed. And quaint. Pansy. So cute. I would have backed up and hit her but there was a car behind me.
Brendon says Matt is a scuzzy little liar, and Enzo says that he hopes Matt won’t fuck this up again, “but we’ll see if the little Gremlin does what he’s supposed to do.” HAHA. I wish I could be there to see Matt’s face when he hears how everyone thinks of him. Poor guy thinks he’s the stud of the house. Key after key is pulled. Boobs looks like she’s been arrested for hookin the first time and is waiting for her dad to come pick her up from the police station.
And of course…Boobdon is on the block. Matt gives a speech about science and facts and numbers. When does he have time to practice all this dreck? Brendon calmly says that he trusts Boobs. Boobs sobs and says that she feels like a lost puppy. She adds that she’s gonna have to get another Botox shot to hide all the wrinkles she’s gotten in this house. LOL. And that, for me at least, is enough reason to cross my fingers for Brendon to get his ass tossed this week.