Big Brother: RIGGED!!

Tonight I got a text from Schoonie that read “DID YOU SEE THAT?!?” Why no, Schoonie. I hadn’t seen it. But then I got a text from LoLo saying her internet was out. And it’s her recap night. So Schoonie=drunk and in a state of shock, Lolo=incapacitated by Time Warner, Flipit=SCREWED. But to be honest, after Schoonie’s text, I was kind of excited to get stuck recapping an episode that didn’t suck ass. I am also excited that now I have something to hold over LoLo’s head. I got a lot from my mother, and one sweet quality was the ability to hold a grudge and complain in a sad whiny victim voice until I receive really cool expensive shit for my birthday. So was that enough pointless non sensical backstory to start the recap for ya? Good! Let’s do this!!

Chenbot pops up on my screen and she’s well tailored and has her hair combed. WTF?!?! That’s the first night this whole season she hasn’t looked like she’s had a virus. Someone ran McAffee on her boney ass. She tells us that tonight is the battle of the season. Spoiler alert: the hair and makeup team win!

Plus Linda Dano shoulder pads?!?! I feel like I’ve won something.

Previously, No Sex and the City Kalia managed to play one of the weakest games in Big Brother history,

I SUCK! YAAAY!

…then she was quickly upstaged by LaWrong, who played the absolute weakest game in recent history. Poor guy tried twice and couldn’t even say “How you like me now?” right once as he begged the HGs to send him packing. “HOW YOU LIKE ME NMOW?” Fucking retard.

…and then LaWrong promised some big show at the veto ceremony (“Wait til they see how I act!”) and did NOTHING. I know I’ve already said this, but FUCKING RETARD.

And now for your weekly boner, courtesy of CBS.

Real Sex: Please Don’t Have It

To celebrate his fucking retardedness, LaWrong has shown up to the live show in red knee socks and a Yale shirt. In case you’re not buying that he’s smart, he’s also whipped out some plastic glasses from Claire’s Boutique.

As Yalies and girls soccer teams bow their heads in shame, let’s take a moment and thank Claire’s for making people with perfect vision see a little bit cloudier. Evens it out a little.

The bot tells us that LaWrong begged to be evicted so that he could be brought back into the game with a special power. CBS can’t make you walk through walls or properly pronounce words or not talk like you’re auditioning for the Al Jolson role in a made for TV movie of the week, LaWrong. It’s funny how the bot says that all in such a serious newscaster voice, though.

What LaWrong doesn’t know, is that there is no special power! That fucking retardeness won’t be wiped away with a wave of a magic wand. At the end of the day, you’ll still be a sad homely middle aged queen who sews mismatched jackets from the Goodwill store together, accumulates white frothy spit at the corners of your mouth when you talk, and shows up to the chopping block in knee socks.

Boobs can’t believe that LaWrong was stupid enough to ask to be put on the block, and she can’t believe that T Rex and the Saggy Titties was stupid enough to put one of her own alliance on the block, either. “It’s a miracle!!” She’s right. It is a miracle. Which proves once and for all that God is one sick bitch.

LaWrong gets the shoe polish on his face and his tap shoes on and starts with his minstrel show, telling us that he is on the block and he LOVES IT! HOT TUB! He’s got a ninety nine percent chance of coming back into the game with superpowers. LOLOLOLLLL! Hopefully they’ll at least give you a bra to wear on your bus ride home.

Jeff can’t tell if Chex in ma Titties is stupid or has some brilliant plan that he can’t see. He goes with stupid. Dingdingding!

Kalia says that this week isn’t a week to get Boobs out, cuz she wants whoever comes back not to gun for her. Girl, you can’t even stay true to your two person alliance for one fucking week. Who the hell wants you on their side? It’s embarrassing to even have to watch your stupid ass on TV. I feel bad for your giant foreheaded family.

LaWrong is in the kitchen telling Shelly how excited he is to finally be playing the game. “I am NOT stupid.” Only stupid people say that. Smart people drive their beamers past them at the bus stop trying to read their lips and wonder to themselves “why is that poor person telling the other riders that he mops poop lids? Stupid poor people.”

LaWrong tells us “I’m gettin’ ma actin’ skills on nah!” He wants everyone to believe that this wasn’t planned. LOL. Don’t you think they’ve all been whispering about your dumb headed move since you made it? It’s the one thing they can all agree on. You’re like the great uniter. You should go to Iraq and Afghanistan and act so fucking retarded that all the world leaders get a good chuckle and decide laughter is better than war. You can save the world, LaWrong!

There’s one small problem with his master plan: he can’t win ANYTHING. Like, EVER. He’s first or second out in every single challenge. He couldn’t even swallow a load last week and that’s the only thing he’s ever practiced.

So you’re gonna win a chance to come back….how? Unless the challenge is offending every black person on the planet by acting like Ted Danson at a fundraiser, you’re screwed.

LaWrong is trying to convince Shelly of how not stupid he is by saying over and over again how shocked he is and how he didn’t volunteer for this. No ma’am! HOT TUB! Shelly never asked him if he volunteered, and here he is repeating it on a loop. So…he volunteered? All she knows is that something’s fishy. His move is so stupid that no one can actually believe it, so they’re gonna try and find secret agendas that he’s got hidden all over the place. Love it.

Did LaWrong just catch a ball? The world is spinning backwards. House meeting!

Shelly follows him outside and tells him that she wants to see him fired up! Sorry, but he’s already at a ten on the flaming scale. The gays can’t allow more flames until gay marriage is legal in every state. Until then he’s muzzled, orders of GLADD. He starts stuttering about how mad he is, but Shelly says that she knows he’s lying cuz he’s talking more ignorantly than usual. She says there’s no way he’ll be voted out over Boobs, but he stutters and gets shifty eyed and looks confused. He begged to be kicked out over Boobs, so there’s that. She isn’t buying it, and talking to LaWrong is like sticking a vacuum cleaner up to your ear, so she stubs out her smoke and gets the hell away from him.

Shelly marches right up to the HOH room, confirms with Shrek and the City that LaWrong is full of shit, and then leaves her to planning her strategy on making it to the end.

Jeff and Jordon lie around in awe that there’s someone on TV dumber than they are. Shelly comes in furious about LaWrong’s lie and snarls “I hate actors.” Damn Shelly. Did Julia Roberts lie to you or some shit? Calm down. And please stop swinging those plastic hangers around. My maid just ran out of the room and peed in the corner. You beat a lazy cleaning lady with a hanger one time and she’s scarred for life. What a wuss.

LaWrong comes in faux furious about being put up. Jeff calls him boo. LOL! He’s the sweetest most flirtatious homophobe ever. I know there’s been a lot of controversy over Jeff’s supposed homophobia this season, so let me just say clearly why it doesn’t bother me: I suspect that the only gays he’s known have been Big Brother castmates, and these queens make ME homophobic. That is all.

LaWrong rants on unintelligibly about how shocked he is to be on the block, and Jeff giggles and calls him boo again while Shelly swings hangers and makes that “don’t back a possum into a corner” face she was born with.

That reminds me, I left the lid off the trash.

Boobs, not happy enough to just keep her toilet lid mouth shut, goes up to the HOH room. She tells Dicklet and Wrecks in the City that she will totes be on their side now if they keep her. Kalia responds firmly with “I’m like totally like really seriously like serious Boobs, you have to like like serious like then omg.” As Boobs leaves, she tells us that if those two bimbos are dumb enough to keep her, they’re gonna feel the wrath of Boobs. I’m more worried about the bushes, personally. Poor things can’t run. Dicklet tells Kalia that she wants to punch Boobs’ mouth shut every time she opens it, and Kalia giggles before shoving some HOH spam in her mouth and drooling her slothful ass back to sleep.

Boobs goes to the padded cell and asks if Jordon’s asleep. “Yeah.” Which means whine to me, apparently. She tells Jordan that she just talked to the girls and they offered to keep her without any kind of deal. Which isn’t true, but it’s Boobs. Shelly comes in and says not to trust the girls, and Boobs says she felt threatened. So does humanity. If you’re birth hasn’t signaled the coming end of the race, nothing will. Shelly, as if hearing the “Boobs the Stripper Clown” music playing in the background, doesn’t buy it. Other things Shelly doesn’t buy: cold cream. Sun block. Botox.

Shelly half jokes that Boobs makes her so nervous that if she goes home and comes back, she’ll be right back on the block. Boobs laughs. Shelly leaves, not kidding. She goes straight to Dicklet, telling us that she’s still playing both sides and will give some info to Dicklet to keep her on her side. Dicklet says that she’s getting scared in the house between the psycho stripper who wants to kill her in her sleep and the black guy in white face pretending to be in black face.

I’s Maria Von TRAPPMOTHAFUCKASHOTTUB!

Shelly tells Dicklet that after Boobs came down from the HOH room, she was acting like she made a deal. Shelly is one shady bitch, and I have to say I like her more every day. Dicklet is incensed that Boobs couldn’t keep her mouth shut for one second. Way to go, Shelly! That girl stirs shit better than a cook at the Olive Garden.

Dicklet goes straight upstairs to tattle tale to Kalia, who has her eye on the ball as usual.

You brought ketchup, right?

Kalia doesn’t understand why Boobs would go against their deal to not say anything, and Dicklet just gives her a duh. They’re not sure whether or not they should get Boobs out. SHE’S ON THE OTHER TEAM YOU MORONS! I want to call them fucking retards, but then this happens so I don’t have to.

Well said.

Kalia, filling her lame sentences with as many adjectives as she can so that it will sound like she’s actually saying something, says if Boobs screws them she’ll punch her in the face. The only thing that feels threatened by your stupid ass is the remainder of that HOH basket you’re about to demolish.

Back to the live show. Chenchilla lets Dicklet ramble on idiotically about nothing for a bit, then asks Shelly to do her hilarious impression from Ernest Goes to Jail.

Chendoftheroad asks Jordan why she was such a wuss this week, and Jordan says she felt bad for losing the food competition for her team and she’s sick of eating slop. Jeff says that he knows he’s lost control of his emotions, so he’s glad to see everyone acting fucknuts crazy too cuz it makes him look better. Let’s see what Boobs’ friends think about her gameplay. The first guest is GAYGAN!! LOLOLLLLL! He describes himself as the most handsome man to ever play the game. Cut to his martian head and his nasty fucking personality on parade.

He says his biggest enemy in the house was Boobs (shots of him calling her zitty and horrible), but now they’re besties. Well that fucking figures. Who the hell else would talk to them after this show was done? Oh yeah. This ass.

They watch the show together and make fun of Boobs while she sobs and throws temper tantrums. Gaygan says she’s “crybernating.” LOL! Shots of Boobs proclaiming her love to the now dead Brendon through the camera.

Nothing says I love you like a face full of zit cream.

You sho is ugly! HAHAH!

Gaygan and Matt mock her openly. Matt says that Boobs is always so confused as to why everyone hates her when it’s so obvious. HAHAH. Gaygan compares her to the villain at the end of a slasher movie who just won’t die. But they like her. Birds of a feather die alone together.

Chenrique Iglesias talks to Kalia in the HOH room. Kalia tries to justify her dumb ass move with lots of meaningless words. She says again that she likes to “jump and grow wings on the way down”. How has no one pointed out to her that people die like that? She goes on about how much she likes J&J. UGH shut up you have nothing of value to add you wishy washy moron. Time for the save me speeches!!

Boobs is up first. She’s wearing a shirt that says “I love my Hubby.” Why do she and Brendon insist on wearing shirts bragging about shit they haven’t achieved yet? It’s some kind of positive thinking? Or delusion? Why am I still typing? She snottily tells the HGs that it’s a twist week. Fortunately, she got to go first and there’s no way she won’t be out assed by LaWrong.

He tries to talk, but just random syllables, woos, and HOT TUBS come out. Time to vote! Jordan votes to evict LaWrong, so does Jeff. Boobs, meanwhile, is making out with her knee.

Volvo continues the anti-LaWrong streak. Dicklet does too!! IDIOT!! Man, I actually thought I could root for Dicklet but that dream is dead now. Shelly comes in and shoots badger spit at her kid,

…and then Adam comes in and gets all wacky. One person in the audience laughs, which is a record high for him. He votes against LaWrong too. Why in the world would everyone in this house keep Boobs alive? I can root for no one. The audience laughs their ass off when he’s evicted. So I can root for the audience. As long as I don’t have to look at them.

EW MAKE IT STOP!

LaWrong can stay, because now it’s time for the battle. The HGs are told that the fight will be against one of the already evicted dumb dumbs, and Boobs looks like she just got told bikinis are now allowed in chem labs.

Prayer works!

Then she shows off her VIP cocktailing talents.

Chenry Miller asks the evictees stuff. Preacher Peen says he is shocked that Brendon already got the boot. Cassi wasn’t surprised that Dumbinic was ousted. HA. Brendon is shocked to hear Boobs wasn’t evicted. HAHAH! America’s Choice is…………

Not Preacher Peen or Cassi! BOOO! I wanted some Forrest Gump talking’. Sorry Cass. Brendon is back!! WTF AMERICA?!?! as[dofighw[oregihwoeihvbasldivo[werighwo[gih[oighsDGLIHsdg[oisdHGsd;glksdG

F YOU AMERICA!

The game is to see who can hold the most balls in their mouth. We know what a shitty gay LaWrong is, so he’s out. Boobs yells like a deranged soccer mom in love with her kid at Brendon, and he wins handily. The only consolation is the look of utter shock on stupid LaWrong’s face.

But…superpowers…hottubsadhorns

I don’t buy for one second that America voted for Brendon to come back. I’m on to you, Grodner!! Then again…

As we leave, Dicklet looks like she wants to kill herself and Kalia looks like she just won a lifetime supply of hohos. Fucking. RETARD.

Scary Tyler Snore

 

Dicklet actually had things, against all odds, going in her favor and she blew it. Dick is banging his head against a brick wall right now, so for that I can be grateful. See you next time!