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Previously on Big Brother, Sniffles pulled out an HOH victory in the name of Boobs’ “honor” and continued the Boofles legacy of incompetence by putting Gaygan up on the block along with Lane, overlooking bigger threats like Matt and Britney. Perhaps their minuscule heights allowed them to escape his notice.
“Floaters, get your life ve– Oh, God! I need a hug.”
Right in the recap/previews for tonight’s episode, we learn that Boobs will be returning tonight! Goddamn, that girl has so many STDs that she’s now become one herself. Just when you think you’ve gotten rid of her, she flares up again. But before we get to that, we have to do the post-nomination reactions. Gaygan is devastated and already crying and babbling about how he can’t go home, and Lane is as perplexed as the rest of us as to why his useless ass is worth wasting a nomination on. For those of you reading this who are more at Lane’s speed, what that last sentence meant is “he don’t get it.” Sniffles explains that Lane is a pawn to ensure that Gaygan goes home, and that Britney and Matt, while enemies, deserve to stay because they have proven themselves as competitors. Okay, take it easy, Coach Wade. I will never understand the strategy condescending philosophy of wanting to protect “strong” players while eliminating “weak” players. Enjoy having those “strong” players vote you out in the end. As for Britney, she fears that Sniffles has a bigger plan that may involve her getting backdoored, and tells us that she will only feel safe after the POV ceremony. Obviously that’s shot to shit this week, with Matt’s Diamond POV potentially in play.
Later, Sniffles tells Lane that Gaygan is the actual target, and that Matt or Britney will be the replacement should Gaygan come off the block. Normally, I would say that the pawn should be terrified, but this time I really do think that Lane is safe unless Matt uses the DPOV on Gaygan (or himself, should Gaygan win POV and he becomes the replacement) and does something crazy like nominate HAYDEN or Enzo as the replacement. Still, while that may be clear to us viewers, it’s not that clear to the HGs so Sniffles has just gone and made himself an unnecessary enemy. I’m not surprised to see that his game without Boobs is just as bad as his game with Boobs was. Just with less slurping.
“I can’t believe I’m on the block AND I’m missing Project Runway!”
We quickly move into picking players for the veto ceremony, with Sniffles drawing Enzo’s name, Gaygan drawing Sheriff Mascara’s name, and Lane drawing HG Choice and picking HAYDEN. This leaves Britney and Matt as the only non-players. Well that’s a whole lotta uselessness. I predict that it will come down between Sniffles and Gaygan, as they are the only questionably competent people playing. Sniffles is relieved because if Gaygan wins the veto, he will still have Matt and Britney to choose from as replacements. Which… would also be true if Matt and Britney were playing for veto as well. Shouldn’t logic be your friend, Scientist Boy?
Later that night, Chenbot’s non-skinjob Cylon cousin, the Zingbot (seriously), emerges from the Diary Room, and staggers into a bedroom to announce that everything is big in Texas, except Lane’s weiner brain. ZIIING! We have reached a new low, people. Anyway, the Zingbot is there to host the POV, and thankfully Enzo subs in as instruction bitch, as this robot is really fucking annoying to listen to. The six players will have to retrieve puzzle pieces one at a time, race across a balance beam, and stand on a turning platform while trying to solve the puzzle — which spells VETO. First one done wins, and in a surprisingly cruel twist, if you fall at any time, you’re eliminated. Taking bets now for when — not if — Sheriff Mascara falls.
Jessie, is that you?
Before the competition starts, we get the usual smattering of the “omg I HAVE to win this!” comments, while Sheriff Mascara hilariously whispers to Matt and Britney that she’s going to take her time “on this one.” Britney does my job for me by demanding in the DR how this one will be different than any other competition the Sheriff has participated ever in the history of the world. As she points out, it’s not like a RACE or anything. The only time I think Sheriff Mascara has ever moved quickly is when she realized there was only one Extra Clumping mascara left at the drug store.
The competition begins, and Gaygan explains that his strategy is start with the border pieces. That would be mine as well, but I like to think that I wouldn’t explain it douchily as if I were the first person to come up with that one. Sheriff Mascara and Enzo <copy and paste “suck at life and specifically at this competition” from the last 17 recaps>. Lane says something stupid and unfunny about this being like a Texas dance step (his “charm” has really lost its effect on me), and Sniffles tells us that he’s only concerned about Gaygan, as Gaygan takes the lead. Sniffles changes his strategy to blatantly cheating off Gaygan, which is fine other than it guarantees he’s always BEHIND Gaygan. Which is fine with Gaygan. It’s just like a Saturday night in West Holly– I think you can see where I’m going with that. ZIIING!
Watching from the sidelines, Britney and Matt are both disgusted with the performance of HAYDEN, Enzo and Sheriff Mascara, with Matt calling the Brigade a bunch of buffoons. Annnnnnd then the Sheriff falls off and is eliminated immediately thereafter. Congratulations anyone who bet within five minutes. Just shows that slow or fast, the Sheriff is a useless sack of black eye boogers. With cheating Sniffles still on the T, Gaygan quickly assembles the O and wins the veto. Yay? But not really. Maybe if Sniffles had repeatedly shouted, “This is for you, Boobs!” he would have won by simply annoying everyone else so much they quit.
Note: So I was going to put a picture of someone in a fetal position here, and I Google image searched “fetal position.” Never would have expected that to take YEARS off my life! Aggh, aggh, what the HELL is this?
The search for something worse than Boobs: Complete.
With Gaygan taking himself off the block, most of the other HGs are stressed out about the replacement nominee. Lane tells us there’s a 50/50 shot of a Brigade member going up, so he must be counting his hand as the potential sixth replacement nominee. Side note — if you have not seen the video making the Internet rounds of Lane “cleaning his ear” in the shower and you have a high degree of self-loathing, you should check it out. If you’re not blinded by my present above. Gaygan, Britney and Matt meet in the Have Not room, and Matt indicates that he thinks Sheriff Mascara should go before any of them. Why? I would take that woman to the end with me, unless I strangled her along the way. He then leaves to make some slop, and Gaygan and Britney cry and pledge their love to each other and Gaygan rhapsodizes about what “an amazing, stand up guy” Matt is. If only his poor wife could stand up next to him! God I hope we get to see that revelation.
In another room, HAYDEN and Enzo discuss the possibility of Matt becoming the replacement nominee, and how they will totally vote him out should he go up. For once, intelligent game play! Although I’m not holding my breath for this to become a recurring theme. Enzo’s so delighted by the idea that he laughs so hard he almost sprouts a few new hairs in his bald spot. Meanwhile, Sniffles heads up to HOH and finds… Pandora’s Box! How anticlimactic given that the previews show Boobs’ return and it’s pretty obviously connected to PB. We know he’s going to open it, but what’s great is that the temptation is a description of a romantic getaway — followed by images of Boobs flailing around on the beach like a sea lion caught in a net. To him, this is a good thing. To us, it’s equally traumatizing and hilarious.
…Okay, give me that tail again.
However, as Sniffles goes out the PB door, the doorbell to the main door of the house rings. Ruh roh. Gaygan opens it, and his face twists into an expression of absolute disgust when Boobs pushes past him screeching that she’s back, bitches!!! She explains (a verb I use kindly given the volume and grating quality of her voice, which she has set to Max Obnoxious Level) that because someone opened PB, she is unleashed on the house for 24 hours, and that people better be nice to her because she’s a juror. Gaygan tells her that he doesn’t care if she’s fucking Judy Garland, there’s no way he’s going to be nice to her. As usual, Boobs loses this mini verbal scuffle, and she heads upstairs to find BRENNNN-DON! Problem is, he’s not there. She slinks back downstairs and Gaygan resumes their argument, with her comebacks now reduced to saying things like “REALLY?” and “Oh, Ragan, Ragan, Ragan…”, along with fake laughing and extension flips. It’s almost embarrassing to watch, and it makes me really dislike Gaygan. It’s no secret that Boobs is crazy, so he’s just sinking to her level despite knowing better, which makes him even worse.
He then starts crossing the cruelty line by announcing that no one likes her and then daring anyone to admit that that’s not true. However, trust Boobs to take it even further as she asks, “Do you have to be the biggest bitch because you’re gay?” Eesh. He has to listen to showtunes because he’s gay, he doesn’t have to be bitch because he’s gay! Come on now. Gaygan admittedly handles that ignorant comment with a lot of class, and even tries to sit down with her and suggest that she can make the next 24 hours a fun time if she wants, but Boobs rejects the olive branch like her ass cheeks are rejecting being covered by the scrap of fabric she calls a skirt, and vows to make Gaygan miserable. Good luck with that. He’s clearly in control here.
As Sniffles is roaming around the jury house like a lost puppy, realizing he’s been tricked (which takes as much skill as pretending to throw a ball and then hiding it behind your back) and that there’s no one to take care of him, Boobs continues to stupidly antagonize Gaygan, which causes him to unleash a cruel tirade in which he mocks her implants, zits and hair extensions, says everyone hates her, and calls her an evil, vile, devil child. Other than saying that Gaygan is the one that has no friends and that he sucks at being gay — no pun by her intended — Boobs basically just takes it, hiding clear hurt behind that maniacal laugh of hers. Now Boobs is pretty awful at times, but I can’t help but feeling really sorry for her here. Damn you Gaygan for making me side with Boobs! That was all very hurtful and mortifying, and I don’t understand what she’s done specifically to Gaygan to cause it other that her gay comment, but he started individually attacking her before she said that. Or has he just voluntarily assumed the self-righteous voice of the house role?
“This living on my own thing as a 30-something year old man sucks. Could you send over someone’s mom? Maybe Grodner’s? I need someone to do my laundry and then tuck me in. But don’t give me some San Diego stumpy.”
Now I know from the live feeds that Boobs and Gaygan “made up” at some point and that Boobs had a whole huge conflict with Britney and Enzo over who said who was or was not the saboteur, but CBS decides to leave that out of the episode, which is fine by me as it made no sense whatsoever. What they do show is Boobs leaving Sniffles a message in pretzel rods spelling “Matt” and her showing Sheriff Mascara so the Sheriff can do her civic duty and protect it — at least until the Krispy Kreme light goes on. The Sheriff tells Enzo and HAYDEN, but that appears to be it. Anyone else think this message is flirting with a rules violation? But what can they do — evict her again? Boobs leaves and Sniffles returns, happy to be around people who can help him tie his shoes, and relieved that Boobs told him what to do so he could stop thinking at all so hard. Here’s a question — what was the point of all that, other than the producers realizing that they lost their main drama source when they lost Boobs? Or was that the only point? Dumb.
Sniffles takes Britney up to HOH, and she continues to lie to his face that she is on his side. I hope she wins HOH and nominates him without hesitation. Gaygan then goes up there and gushes about how Matt is the love child of Mother Theresa and Gandhi and should not be nominated either. Sniffles tries to convince us that it’s a hard decision, but we know that this man’s so pussy whipped that he wouldn’t dare to defy a “girlfriend” who is no longer in the house or playing the game and who he won’t be in contact with come 2 months after the wrap party. Matt’s going up, for sure.
But before we get to the POV ceremony, we have to suffer through another painful saboteur bit where the HGs are told to get their sleep for a competition the next day — and then are woken up consistently throughout the night until being ultimately told around 6:30 that there is no competition. Wow, that was lame stupid pointless dumb boring saboteur-y. Easiest $20,000 EVER.
Finally, the POV ceremony arrives. We are again cheated out of the delicious awkwardness of making the other nominee beg for the veto to be used on him, as Gaygan immediately announces he will be using it on himself. Sniffles stands and explains that he needs to make the best decisions for Rachel and I (AGGGH how is this grammatical onslaught STILL happening?!), even though she’s been evicted and that is the dumbest thing ever. Accordingly, he nominates Matt. Shocker. The HGs each react as expected, with Lane trying again too hard to be clever by saying that Matt was once like a brother and now he’s like a stepbrother. Does he have red hair too? Matt of course is unconcerned, as he has the DPOV and will take himself off the block AND name the replacement nominee during tomorrow’s live show. That, at least, should be interesting.
“The replacement nominee is… the Windy City runt.”
“Matt, that means you. See, the “Windy City” means Chicago, and you’re from Chicago, and “runt” means short, and you’re short. ZIIING!”
“God, you’re retarded.”
So what did you think? Did you think Boobs’ return was pointless and stupid like I did, and did you wind up siding with her by the end of it? Are you glad Gaygan will survive the week and collect his $20,000 in saboteur money? And most importantly — who will Matt nominate in his place? I’m assuming it’s Sherriff Mascara and that she will be shown the door, but I’d like to see Matt make a power move and nominate either HAYDEN or Enzo, cementing his new alliance with the actually-useful Gaygan and Britney. Have a good one!