Big Brother: As Interesting As You’d Expect

Recaps

By Schoonie | Friday, September 9, 2011 | 12:00 pm | 19 Comments
Tagged: , , ,
Posted in: Big Brother, Featured, Recaps

Awesome, I get to recap the first NFL game of the season!   Wait, what?  I have to watch tonight’s Big Brother instead?  Noooooooooooooooo!  Go to hell, Flipit.

Julie’s dressed in all black with some sort of rectangular necklace around her neck, and she looks sort of good.  It’s confusing, I don’t know.  Adam won two competitions last night, so clearly we live in some sort of alternate universe where Julie can look okay for an evening.

B13E9001

“I’m going to break into a museum after this and steal something expensive.”

It’s day 69 (tee hee!) in the house, and Adam is in charge, because everything needs to be disappointing on this show always. Julie:   “Adam is the Head of Household, which means that he can no longer follow the power, he IS the power.” Actually Julie, he’s not.  The Veto holder controls everything this week and gets to pick who leaves, so Adam can be just as big a pussy as he’s been this whole summer with little to no consequence.

“By voting our Kalia, I showed that I am firmly in with the veterans,” Adam says.  Well, unless Porsche had won HOH, in which case he would’ve been firmly in with the newbies.  Also, why the fuck is he in with the veterans?  He may not win against any of these people, but he’d at least have a shot against Kalia and Porsche.  Not that I expect him to think at all or make any moves or do anything of note or entertain me at all or do anything except bore me to death with his boring boringness.

B13E9002

“I’m boring!”

“I really messed up that HOH competition; I definitely wasn’t a reading comprehension-type student,” Porsche says.  Ha!  I’m willing to bet she wasn’t a wear underpants to school-type student either.

Time to see Adam’s HOH room.  Since he’s awful, I’m even less invested in learning about his life than usual.   There are pictures of his girlfriend, and of his bar mitzvah.

B13E9003

If Adam is Jewish, why does he love bacon so much? How have I not noticed this until now?

Time to “discuss” “strategy” with the “Head of Household”.  Porsche and Adam agree that it would be great for them to be sitting next to each other at the end, since they have similar arguments for the win.  Well, Porsche has an argument for the win; Adam has some bacon t-shirts and a shouting problem.

Next up: Rachel.  Rachel has an unintelligible conversation with Adam.  They legit say nothing to each other of merit or note.  Like, I cannot even recap it because it was so empty of substance.  Congratulations, show: you have managed to be even emptier than your already low standard for actual content.  I salute you.

Jordan’s last; he tells her that Rachel being gone would be easier for him in the end, but because Jordan is now a tiny assassin, she doesn’t let Adam off the hook that easily and pushes for Porsche to be evicted.  Jordan tells Adam that Porsche doesn’t deserve to be in the final three, and it becomes clear almost immediately that Adam would like Porsche to stick around because it’s good for his game.  Since Adam is an awful liar, he can’t even plausibly deny it to Jordan and just starts laughing awkwardly while Jordan storms out, knowing that she’s in trouble unless she wins the Veto.  But hey, why worry?  Adam’s completely in with the veterans, remember?  He said so himself!

B13E9004

“The old me would just let this go.  The new me is going to murder you in your sleep.”

Nomination ceremony.  Adam makes Rachel safe, nominating Porsche and Jordan for eviction.  Adam says that he made Rachel safe because she’s already won the Veto and saved herself and the other two haven’t. “Good speech,” Rachel says like an idiot.  NONE OF THIS MATTERS.  Get to the Veto competition, show.

Veto competition! It’s the now traditional Remember Stuff That Happened-Off.  Each person has twenty clues and blocks with houseguests names on all sides.  The blocks have to be stacked such that the answers to each clue are showing.  The first houseguest to answer all the questions correctly wins the Veto and pretty much gets to pick who goes home.

Porsche has decided that her strategy is to stack the blocks on the side (instead of on the pole in the center) sothat  she doesn’t have to remove anything if she messes up, which is pretty smart.  While all the other houseguests get stuff wrong and have to remove blocks, Porsche calmly stacks all the answers up.  She thinks she has them all and stacks her blocks, but one is wrong.  To her credit, she quickly identifies the wrong answer, corrects it, and wins herself the Veto.  She pretty much blows everyone else out of the water; no one else is even close to her, it’s pretty impressive.  And so Rachel or Jordan will be heading home.

And you know what that means: jump cut to Rachel crying about losing and disappointing Brendon.

B13E9006

GET THEE TO SOME SHRUBBERY

If Porsche is smart, she’ll vote Rachel out so she has less competition in the final three competitions.  Then again, Jordan did somehow win the final HOH of her season, so who knows.  Rachel continues crying over the competition, and her fish lips are…a problem.

B13E9007

I feel like I should get this screen printed on a t-shirt.  With airbrushed font, of course.

And now Rachel tries to save herself, pulling Porsche into the fortune teller room.  She argues that Jordan’s the only person who won’t take her to the end and that both Adam and Rachel would take her.  I highly doubt Rachel would take Porsche; she would crush Adam in a head-to-head vote.  Porsche tells us that her chances of winning are better against Jordan, since she won two years ago, as if that is relevant in any way.  Wrong: your chances against Jordan are awful because all her friends will vote for her.

Live Veto meeting!  Porsche unsurprisingly uses the Veto on herself and is automatically replaced with Rachel.  Rachel and Jordan each get a chance to address Porsche before she casts her vote.  Rachel says that she’s “honored” to be in the house again this year (I’m not even touching that), and then she says some nice stuff about everyone and trips over her words on live television, because Rachel is only articulate when she’s in the Diary Room and has nine chances to repeat herself.

Jordan says she knows she’s going home and that it’s been a great summer.  She says nice stuff about everyone but Porsche, and then? “Porsche, I never talked to you, but that I know that you love wearing bikinis and love to host competitions, so…”  Ha!  Did she even mean for that to be a burn?  That’s the beauty of Jordan, I guess: almost everything she says may or may not be an insult, but she’s so nice that you don’t even notice.

B13E9008

“You’re so sweet, Porsche; I’m really going to miss your gigantic butt.”

Porsche stands and unceremoniously evicts Jordan, and with that, we have a final three of Adam, Porsche and Rachel.  If I had asked you to name a more disappointing Final Three at the beginning of the season, you legitimately could not.  Wait, yes you could: Rachel, Brendon, and any third person.  Hm, so I guess this is only the second worst possible outcome.  Yay!

Jordan gets huge applause from the audience upon exiting the house.  When Julie asks her why she didn’t campaign, Jordan admits that she never talked to Porsche the whole summer, and that it was too late to try.  Julie asks Jordan about Shelly, and OH MY GOD I’M SO TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT JEFF AND JORDAN AND SHELLY SHUT UP NO ONE CARES ABOUT LEATHERFACE AND FRIENDS.  Julie tells Jordan that the last few days, it seemed like she was trying to throw in the towel.  Jordan basically says that she just got super tired of wrangling Rachel all the time, and that she felt like Rachel has been doing most of the work and also she’s already won and also super tired so also Jeff was the one who really wanted to be on the show again and also she doesn’t care any more so what does it matter?  All good points, Jordan.  See you soon!

B13E9009

“I know, I wanna forget this whole summer happened, too!”

In the goodbye messages, Adam is completely gross (but what’s new), telling Jordan that she and Jeff showed him how to “play this game fair and honest”.  Barf.  Dude’s the least honest player this season, and that includes Shelly.  Then Rachel starts crying, because that’s what happens.

Part one of the final HOH competition.  As usual, it’s endurance.  This time they’re posted up on a giant mixer that will undoubtedly start turning, and then shoot shit all over them.  And hey, that’s exactly what happens!  Yawn.  I say it every year: Is it time for Survivor yet?

B13E9010

Someone’s gonna get salmonella from this.




About

Like most people in America, Schoonie watches entirely too much reality television.  Unlike most people, Schoonie gets to share his opinions with the world, which is pretty rad.  Currently living in Chicago, Schoonie's been with Tvgasm since 2006.  He spends his free time writing Survivor fan fiction (Letters to Penthouse, all featuring Rupert!) , playing with his cover band, and playing with his other cover band. Also, this one time, Lisi fell.

19 Comments

  1. 1
    Nikki Hughes
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    It is SOOOOO exhausting listening to Adam trying to string words together coherently. I hope he doesn’t make it the final 2 just so I don’t have to listen to him drone on in the Q&A segment. UGH

  2. 2
    Mary Pearson
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    ROFLMAO @ “GET THEE TO SOME SHRUBBERY” !!! Thank you for the Monty Python shout out!!!

  3. 3
    Damien Minor
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    I don’t think that Porsche necessarily made the wrong decision by voting out Jordan over Rachel. Jordan would have never taken Porsche to the Final 2, and even if she had, she would win, hands down (scoring the votes of at least Jeff/Brendon/Rachel/Shelly, probably Adam, too). Yes, Jordan is nowhere near the competition threat that Rachel is, but Jordan DID win the F3 HoH in her season, so it’s not outside the realm of possibility that she could have done it again. Also, with Adam throwing his lot in with the Veterans yet again, it’s fully possible (likely probable) that he would take Rachel with him to F2 should he win the final HoH, as he would have undoubtedly taken Jordan had she stayed in the same situation.

    With Rachel, Porsche’s friends with her, and Rachel has talked about how she disrespected Adam’s floating game all season long. Porsche has set it up so she has a much better chance of actually GETTING to the F2, instead of putting herself into a situation where she would absolutely have to win the final HoH.

    In any case, I don’t see any way for Adam to win this game. He might get a couple of votes against Porsche, but against Rachel, I’m predicting a complete shutout.

  4. 4
    fancyface
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Against Porsche (if he’s not the one to send Rachel home). He’s got b/r and j/j. Jordan will go to the jury house singing his praises and Jeff has already said with everyone left, he wants Adam to win.

    Against Rachel, if the mean girls decide to let themselves be ruled by their hatred for Rachel versus her game play wins, Adam could win their too.

    How he sells his “strategy?” will make all the difference.

  5. 5
    wow
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    No way Rachel or Brendon vote for Adam, especially not after spouting anti-floater, pro-competitor talk all season long. Brendon made a whole speech about only voting for competitors at the end. I think they will have no problem voting for Porche over him. He’ll have J/J and that’s all I can imagine and that’s only if he’s against Porche. Against Rachel, I agree with Damien – complete shutout.

  6. 6
    juddfan
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    I can’t really see anyone besides the mean girls giving Porsche a vote. Not even sure Dani would . . . Can’t wait to see who pulls it out for the HOH.

    Poor Adam . . . . sorry he’s so boring, Schoonie, but at least he’s a nice guy. Shelly was psychotic if you ask me . . . . her lies and tongue twisting were painful to watch. Adam has been non-committal like Dr. Will was, only coming down on a side when he had to make a choice. He did vote to keep Jeff and he took care of the vets when they were stranded so I could see him sweeping the couples if he’s up against Porsche.

  7. 7
    itchy
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    I’m not sure what constitutes Boobs’ “gameplay”. Being incredibly annoyinng? Being overbearingly obnoxious when her side wins a competition? Being a spoiled crybaby when her side loses? Sure, she’s won a competition or two. Ho hum. This show isn’t about winning competitions, it’s about not getting voted off. The reason Boobs’ is still around is partly or mostly because people can’t stand her — making her the perfect person to keep until the end.

    True, without Brenda around, she’s slightly less annoying. I’ll give her that.

    I’m still hoping Adam is playing some kind of master strategy. But I’m not holding my breath for that.

    I’m now swinging to Porsche’s side. Somehow she’s made it to final three. It wasn’t just luck.

  8. 8
    bbjunkie
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    Last Night’s POV: VIP Cocktail Waitress + Pole = Success! That competition was made for them. Porche rang in like a champ and it reduced Rachel to tears. It was like seeing an old friend. Make no mistake those ladies know how to work a pole.

    Jordon’s probably going to be America’s Favorite Player and $25K richer. Combine that with all of Big Jeff’s cash and they aren’t in bad shape $-wise. They probably get to keep their compensation $ too. Not a bad deal for losing the game.

  9. 9
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Itchy, when the finalists left do not have a strategy, the argument to the jury of winning competitions becomes more important. Although Adam has won recently, the real competitors left are Rachel and Porsche. Porsche has won multiple Vetoes, one HOH, and Rachel has won several HOHs and Vetoes. Adam has no master plan and any comparison to Dr. Will is an insult to Will. If anything, the actual comparison would be Adam to Enzo from last season. I just hate that Adam claims to be a student of the game and his strategy was simply to be a pawn and a floater.

  10. 10
    Dirty Sanchez
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    I don’t think Porsche was the sleepy dolt that her housemates made her out to be. Well, maybe she is. But there was no need for her to pipe up for the first 8 weeks when the same people were trying to get each other out every week.

    I’m not sure it’s a coincidence that when the smoke cleared, she started winning comps. It’s the strategy she needed, because her social skills are almost as bad as Rachel’s. You can tell that she genuinely does not like or feel comfortable talking to or connecting with people.

  11. 11
    Tadow
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Dearest Schoonie,
    Are you and Survivor still broken up, or are you back together again?

  12. 12
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    @ Tadow, I think it was posted on the Fantasy Survivor Newsgasm that Potty Mouth is recapping Survivor this season, so the breakup is still in effect.

  13. 13
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Jordan came off a bit unlikable in her final “plea.” She admitted to never saying one word to Porsche (blondes sees other blondes as competition) and then got in a little dig about Porsche liking to wear bikinis or something..dunno, it was a bit catty. Why be offended Jordan, when you had just tried to vote Jordan off the day before? I so hate it when people get offended when their plan backfires. Had Porsche been voted off, I’m sure Jordan would’ve wanted Porsche to understand. But because Rachel kept her, and Porsche took out Jordan, now she deserves a rude comment? I dunno, Jordan didn’t seem like america’s sweetheart to me. Just a bit pissed that Rachel looked so hot in her cocktail dress the day before. “Waaaah! I’m supposed to be the only cute blonde around here!”

  14. 14
    Jimbob Jones
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    Schoonie… I don’t know how the hell you do it. I start to watch this show, and then quit when I realize it’s episode #385 of the season, and there has only been one elimination.

    And this would be the reason I’m not entering the “new writer” pool… I just know I’d get stuck with something like this show, and would go on a shotgun killing spree the third week in while yelling “See, Big Brother! THIS is how you eliminate people!!!”

  15. 15
    Jimbob Jones
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    And I like Jordan and all, but is it possible for someone to be THAT dumb? She is the reason people make fun of blondes.

    I would love to see her application form. It was probably done in crayon.

  16. 16
    Robin Robinez
    Posted September 9, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    Jimbob, Let me the first to thank you for not entering the writer’s pool, not getting this recap and not going on a shotgun killing spree.

    TC, Robin

  17. 17
    itchy
    Posted September 10, 2011 at 12:38 am

    @Derek: I’m still holding out hope that Adam’s been playing a strategy but has been keeping it really close to the vest, not even spilling it in the DR. Seems unlikely, I admit. But still.

    His final two speech will be crucial, assuming he makes it to the final two. If it turns out he is indeed an ass-kissing wuss, he’ll definitely qualify for Worst BB Hamster of All Time.

    Porsche has indeed given the occasional hint that she’s not the dumb blonde she’s been portrayed as all season. But then, I’m always hoping someone will pull of the idiot-savant gambit on these shows.

  18. 18
    AntSuck
    Posted September 10, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    @Derek when you said that comparing Adam to Dr. Will is an insult to Will:

    *MASSIVE APPLAUSE*

    When you said that the one that Adam SHOULD be compared to is Enzo:

    *MASSIVE APPLAUSE*

    I used to think that Adam would win if the F2 was him and Porsche, but I actually don’t think that anymore. J/J will vote for Adam for sure, but probably no one else will. Daniele, Kalia, and Shelly would sooner die than vote for Adam, not to mention that Porsche was their friend and ally. Rachel has made no secret of the fact that she finds Adam unreliable as an ally and a true floater (and this is probably the only instance in which she’s used that word correctly), and we all know she hates floaters. Brendon hates floaters as well, probably views Porsche as more of a competitor, and in the end he’d probably vote for whoever Rachel wanted him to vote for.

    But I think the F2 will be Rachel and Porsche. The two girls probably think Adam’s a threat for jury votes, and let’s not forget about Jordan’s random love letter to Adam before she got evicted. Even though Jordan meant that sincerely, the only thing it probably accomplished was making Rachel and Porsche think he’s a huge threat for jury votes. So both girls are gonna want to get rid of him.

  19. 19
    Mister_Dangerous
    Posted September 11, 2011 at 11:23 am

    I’ve just read over everyone’s comments. Since it’s September 11th I can’t be cranky so I’ll say: I wish all three of them the best of luck and I hope Porsche wins on Wednesday night.

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