Awesome, I get to recap the first NFL game of the season! Wait, what? I have to watch tonight’s Big Brother instead? Noooooooooooooooo! Go to hell, Flipit.
Julie’s dressed in all black with some sort of rectangular necklace around her neck, and she looks sort of good. It’s confusing, I don’t know. Adam won two competitions last night, so clearly we live in some sort of alternate universe where Julie can look okay for an evening.
“I’m going to break into a museum after this and steal something expensive.”
It’s day 69 (tee hee!) in the house, and Adam is in charge, because everything needs to be disappointing on this show always. Julie: “Adam is the Head of Household, which means that he can no longer follow the power, he IS the power.” Actually Julie, he’s not. The Veto holder controls everything this week and gets to pick who leaves, so Adam can be just as big a pussy as he’s been this whole summer with little to no consequence.
“By voting our Kalia, I showed that I am firmly in with the veterans,” Adam says. Well, unless Porsche had won HOH, in which case he would’ve been firmly in with the newbies. Also, why the fuck is he in with the veterans? He may not win against any of these people, but he’d at least have a shot against Kalia and Porsche. Not that I expect him to think at all or make any moves or do anything of note or entertain me at all or do anything except bore me to death with his boring boringness.
“I really messed up that HOH competition; I definitely wasn’t a reading comprehension-type student,” Porsche says. Ha! I’m willing to bet she wasn’t a wear underpants to school-type student either.
Time to see Adam’s HOH room. Since he’s awful, I’m even less invested in learning about his life than usual. There are pictures of his girlfriend, and of his bar mitzvah.
If Adam is Jewish, why does he love bacon so much? How have I not noticed this until now?
Time to “discuss” “strategy” with the “Head of Household”. Porsche and Adam agree that it would be great for them to be sitting next to each other at the end, since they have similar arguments for the win. Well, Porsche has an argument for the win; Adam has some bacon t-shirts and a shouting problem.
Next up: Rachel. Rachel has an unintelligible conversation with Adam. They legit say nothing to each other of merit or note. Like, I cannot even recap it because it was so empty of substance. Congratulations, show: you have managed to be even emptier than your already low standard for actual content. I salute you.
Jordan’s last; he tells her that Rachel being gone would be easier for him in the end, but because Jordan is now a tiny assassin, she doesn’t let Adam off the hook that easily and pushes for Porsche to be evicted. Jordan tells Adam that Porsche doesn’t deserve to be in the final three, and it becomes clear almost immediately that Adam would like Porsche to stick around because it’s good for his game. Since Adam is an awful liar, he can’t even plausibly deny it to Jordan and just starts laughing awkwardly while Jordan storms out, knowing that she’s in trouble unless she wins the Veto. But hey, why worry? Adam’s completely in with the veterans, remember? He said so himself!
“The old me would just let this go. The new me is going to murder you in your sleep.”
Nomination ceremony. Adam makes Rachel safe, nominating Porsche and Jordan for eviction. Adam says that he made Rachel safe because she’s already won the Veto and saved herself and the other two haven’t. “Good speech,” Rachel says like an idiot. NONE OF THIS MATTERS. Get to the Veto competition, show.
Veto competition! It’s the now traditional Remember Stuff That Happened-Off. Each person has twenty clues and blocks with houseguests names on all sides. The blocks have to be stacked such that the answers to each clue are showing. The first houseguest to answer all the questions correctly wins the Veto and pretty much gets to pick who goes home.
Porsche has decided that her strategy is to stack the blocks on the side (instead of on the pole in the center) sothat she doesn’t have to remove anything if she messes up, which is pretty smart. While all the other houseguests get stuff wrong and have to remove blocks, Porsche calmly stacks all the answers up. She thinks she has them all and stacks her blocks, but one is wrong. To her credit, she quickly identifies the wrong answer, corrects it, and wins herself the Veto. She pretty much blows everyone else out of the water; no one else is even close to her, it’s pretty impressive. And so Rachel or Jordan will be heading home.
And you know what that means: jump cut to Rachel crying about losing and disappointing Brendon.
GET THEE TO SOME SHRUBBERY
If Porsche is smart, she’ll vote Rachel out so she has less competition in the final three competitions. Then again, Jordan did somehow win the final HOH of her season, so who knows. Rachel continues crying over the competition, and her fish lips are…a problem.
I feel like I should get this screen printed on a t-shirt. With airbrushed font, of course.
And now Rachel tries to save herself, pulling Porsche into the fortune teller room. She argues that Jordan’s the only person who won’t take her to the end and that both Adam and Rachel would take her. I highly doubt Rachel would take Porsche; she would crush Adam in a head-to-head vote. Porsche tells us that her chances of winning are better against Jordan, since she won two years ago, as if that is relevant in any way. Wrong: your chances against Jordan are awful because all her friends will vote for her.
Live Veto meeting! Porsche unsurprisingly uses the Veto on herself and is automatically replaced with Rachel. Rachel and Jordan each get a chance to address Porsche before she casts her vote. Rachel says that she’s “honored” to be in the house again this year (I’m not even touching that), and then she says some nice stuff about everyone and trips over her words on live television, because Rachel is only articulate when she’s in the Diary Room and has nine chances to repeat herself.
Jordan says she knows she’s going home and that it’s been a great summer. She says nice stuff about everyone but Porsche, and then? “Porsche, I never talked to you, but that I know that you love wearing bikinis and love to host competitions, so…” Ha! Did she even mean for that to be a burn? That’s the beauty of Jordan, I guess: almost everything she says may or may not be an insult, but she’s so nice that you don’t even notice.
“You’re so sweet, Porsche; I’m really going to miss your gigantic butt.”
Porsche stands and unceremoniously evicts Jordan, and with that, we have a final three of Adam, Porsche and Rachel. If I had asked you to name a more disappointing Final Three at the beginning of the season, you legitimately could not. Wait, yes you could: Rachel, Brendon, and any third person. Hm, so I guess this is only the second worst possible outcome. Yay!
Jordan gets huge applause from the audience upon exiting the house. When Julie asks her why she didn’t campaign, Jordan admits that she never talked to Porsche the whole summer, and that it was too late to try. Julie asks Jordan about Shelly, and OH MY GOD I’M SO TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT JEFF AND JORDAN AND SHELLY SHUT UP NO ONE CARES ABOUT LEATHERFACE AND FRIENDS. Julie tells Jordan that the last few days, it seemed like she was trying to throw in the towel. Jordan basically says that she just got super tired of wrangling Rachel all the time, and that she felt like Rachel has been doing most of the work and also she’s already won and also super tired so also Jeff was the one who really wanted to be on the show again and also she doesn’t care any more so what does it matter? All good points, Jordan. See you soon!
“I know, I wanna forget this whole summer happened, too!”
In the goodbye messages, Adam is completely gross (but what’s new), telling Jordan that she and Jeff showed him how to “play this game fair and honest”. Barf. Dude’s the least honest player this season, and that includes Shelly. Then Rachel starts crying, because that’s what happens.
Part one of the final HOH competition. As usual, it’s endurance. This time they’re posted up on a giant mixer that will undoubtedly start turning, and then shoot shit all over them. And hey, that’s exactly what happens! Yawn. I say it every year: Is it time for Survivor yet?
Someone’s gonna get salmonella from this.