Schoonie, LoLo and Flipit here to bring you a three way recap of Big Brother 13‘s Premiere! If you wanna check out our initial impressions of this years dodos, click here. Enjoy, and come back for day-after recaps all summer!
Flipit: I am on an east coast feed, but it’s showing Just Shoot Me so I am skerd I am on the wrong feed!!
LoLo: You mean Rules of Engagement (equally horrible)
Flipit: Oh is that what it is? Spade is as gross as he was twenty years ago.
Schoonie: David Spade is like the raven. When he shows up, you know something terrible is about to happen HEYO
Commercials and a movie preview.
Flipit: Ugh. Jason Sedakis movie. Ugly dudes have way too easy of a time in this town. It makes me feel sorry for ugly girls. There needs to be an ugly girl revolution. Equal rights for ugly chicks!
Schoonie: He got to have sex with January Jones. Respect.
Flipit: Who hasn’t? She’s passed around like a cold
LoLo: Slutty and proud. Own it, woman
And…the show starts.
Flipit: YAY! Another season of Big Brother!! Three shocking surprises! Math! Science! Geography! Go!
Chenbot starts talking about dynamic duos and stuff. Three past duos are returning for some double trouble!
LoLo: Wouldn’t it actually be triple trouble? Dumb Chenbot.
Flipit: Double trouble! Those anorexic blonde twins from Full House are coming this season!
Schoonie: Calling it: Adam first out.
Shots of the house.
Flipit: Thank God the chess set is back. I was worried there wasn’t going to be anything to confuse them all right off the bat. The psychic from that Tom Hanks movie is here!
I predict you will make a terrible movie with Julia Roberts in 2011 and lose a lot of respect.
Schoonie: Julie is actually looking…sort of good, actually. Still holding out for Brittany.
Flipit: Long live Britney! The bot’s armpits have gotten fat.
Schoonie: Those are sleeves, I think. Are you color blind?
Flipit: She’s camoflauging fat pits. Trust me.
LoLo: Not liking the wings
Schoonie: Also her legs are shiny.
The new Houseguests get their keys. Surprise! You’re on Big Brother!
Flipit: Is that this season’s meathead? Cuz I’m not impressed. I do NOT wanna see penis pics of him on the internet. He’s living with his mommy! LOL!
LoLo: Of course he is.
Schoonie: Seriously, with the jacket?
Flipit: His mom bought pleather. If he wants better he can get a job.
Schoonie: His mom cut his sandwich in half!
Schoonie: What’s with the feathers? I mean, not that I was paying attention to that.
Flipit: That model’s hot. Dang. She looks like Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. But younger. And without a jewelry line at Kay’s or wherever.
Flipit: Oh lord. Nell Carter lives.
Schoonie: Poor Man’s Marcellas! I’m calling him that for the whole season.
Lawon talks about how loved and irresistible he is.
Flipit: No one loves you. Everyone can resist you. Poor thing. Keep up that poz thinkin’. It’s funnier when you’re delusional.
And cross eyed.
Flipit: What is och and why is his church against it?
LoLo: I dont think spawning bastards is what God had in mind
Flipit: He has like four followers
Schoonie: Dude, that vest is incredible. Shiny.
Schoonie: I love Shelley already. She called herself Carrie. That’s like…the worst.
Flipit: A rich chick who shoots shit. I like her bow/arm wobble. Extreme confidence.
LoLo: Okay I like Adam. What a loon
Flipit: The leather bear. Appletinis! HAHAH! If there’s a back hair braiding challenge he’s a winna. Otherwise, shhh.
The real life Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City (?)
LoLo: I’m like, really good with words, like super good, like, you know
Flipit: Carrie Bradshaw has really let herself go. She’s like the real life JHud.
LoLo: Such a butterface
Schoonie: Sorry, but Porsche is not a butterface. She does have a terrible name. And a tiny dog, which does not bode well.
LoLo: Her face looks older than Shelly’s.
Flipit: I hope Shelly shoots her with a bow and flaps her underarms.
Flipit: He’s kissing his beard goodbye
Schoonie: HAHAHA he has his strategy on a card! He drew it with crayons! SO GREAT
Flipit: Leather bear hates religion! And baths. And shaving. And movement of any kind.
LoLo: Dom and Shelly. Calling that.
Schoonie: Like, I feel that every Big Brother strategy ever has been drawn with crayons. It’s so appropriate
LoLo: Yes, that is the writing instrument of the ones who are actually literate
Lawon tells us that if he needs to be gay to win, he’ll be gay. If he needs to be straight, he’ll be straight.
Flipit: I doubt he could be straight. Even after doing the helicopter for hours and hours
I mean, come on.
Flipit: Mommy loves you. She will love you even more when she doesn’t have to look at your stringy hair for a summer. Condition while I’m gone k? And don’t shoot daddy.
Schoonie: DUDE. That flower.
Flipit: Carrie Hacksaw is gonna be really pissed that he stole her style from ten years ago.
LoLo: Bitch needs a bra.
Flipit: She could feed a small city with those things.
Flipit: Two dumb model hos in one season. YAY!
Schoonie: That’s below average, I feel like
Flipit: Def below average in the meathead dept. Which is just wrong. There is a lot of homely this season
Schoonie: The model to normal ratio on this show is usually 1:1. Yeah, the lady business is very nice this year. Like, nicer than normal
Flipit: I have a feeling I will be saying this a lot, but…homely. This cast kinda looks like…my neighborhood. What the hell’s the point? I could just go outside. But I won’t.
Half the fools are let into the house.
Schoonie: How do they decide who goes in first?
Flipit: The greasiest foreheads get to go first.
Schoonie: I feel like they just ask them to count until they can’t anymore, and whomever gets the furthest gets to go first. And it’s over in like thirty seconds
Flipit: And of course Nell Carter chose to bunk with the hottie. “Woops sorry I was dreaming I was churning butter. Go back to sleep.”
“I gotta be honest. Porsche sounds kinda like a stripper name.”
Schoonie: Shelley: IS THE BEST
Flipit: A way over-promising stripper name.
Schoonie: Sign me up for Shelley.
LoLo: Still sticking with the “Porsche’s not a butterface” assessment?
Schoonie: I am. Sorry. I mean, Olivia Wilde crushes her but still
LoLo: Stubborn man, especially after that last DR
The last DR where Porsche told us that she’s hot, but with some doctor help in the boob dept.
Flipit: Those are some very realistic fake boobs. That’s not a compliment.
Schoonie: I’d say they’re better than Rachel’s fakies from last year, but I know what’s coming, so…
His are all real.
Flipit: Ugh with the hairy growling. I hope someone throws a chair at that wrestler guy
Schoonie: I bet Keith gets lots of sweet, sweet Human Resources tail in that job
Flipit: The preacher dude is already “the Lord is my shepard”ing. I hope someone asks him to explain why shellfish is a sin.
I’ll bet he’s good at it. Living with mom ain’t cheap.
Flipit: Real Life JHud hates hairy showers. If it’s not sewn to your head I hate it!
The HGs try to figure out why there are eight of them and twelve place settings.
Flipit: I love watching BB people do math. It’s like watching a dog try and say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Adam tells us that “Adam is gonna dominate! Gonna chew them up and spit them out!”
Flipit: He doesn’t look like the type to spit anything out.
LoLo: Ohhhh no he’s already speaking in third person.
Schoonie: Third person = Dead To Me
Schoonie: This is a long standing rule I have.
The Houseguests have champagne and get to know each other. Keith tells them he is in Human Resources, then brags to us in the Diary Room about his Preacher lie. He had to fib cuz no one likes preachers, or something.
Flipit: If you don’t want people to know you’re a preacher, you might wanna say Lord less and stop groping people.
Schoonie: Dude. People hate models more than preachers.
Flipit: People don’t like preachers? Has this douche watched American Idol lately? Lord. The preacher is all on Hairy Badshaw’s “puppies”. Now I’m picturing him groping actual puppies.
Porsche tells her new frienemies: “My parents named me after the car.”
Schoonie: Seriously? Great story. I mean, I never would have guessed that
LoLo: She calls herself luxurious? hahahahahha
Flipit: You best luxuriate, girl!
Schoonie: “My parents named me Porsche, to remind me to keep my feet on the ground and never swallow fiberglass.”
Flipit: Lawrong looks like he’s staring at a bee that landed on his nose.
The model: “Ahm plannin’ on goin’ ta skool!”
Schoonie: Yeah. Computer school.
Flipit: Silence. No one buys that. No one. Stupid lie.
Flipit: The bot has grown a third boob. Did they cut the budget this year? Cuz her hair usually looks…combed
LoLo: Yeah she looks a little rode hard and put away wet this year.
Schoonie: Uh, is everyone else seeing this extended promo for The Zookeeper?
LoLo: Trying to pretend its not happening shhh
Schoonie: GTFO, Kevin James
Flipit: So when’s an ugly CHICK gonna get a movie. Homely women need to unite in Hwood. Just saying. Again. Can’t. Let it. Go.
A Khol’s ad.
Flipit: The ads say so much about the demographic for this show. Kevin James movie, Khol’s. There won’t be one Scrabble ad the whole season.
LoLo: I evidently need to gain 50 pounds and lose 4000 brain cells to fit in
Schoonie: Doesn’t Kat Dennings have something better to do than be on an awful CBS sitcom?
Schoonie: Like, being awesome in some movie somewhere?
Flipit: I like her better in a waitress uniform. It evens things out in the universe, somehow.
We’re back. Chenbot tells the HGs that…
Schoonie: Hey, they’re playing in pairs! That’s never been done before!
LoLo: Weren’t they paired in season 9?
Schoonie: And once since then, I feel like.
Flipit: Dunno. I black the seasons out when they’re done. It’s the only way I can let myself live.
Schoonie: Am I crazy?
Flipit: I just remember when they were paired in that “you guys should fuck” kinda way. That was disgusting.
LoLo: Sheila and Adam totally should have done it.
Schoonie: You know, before he went to jail.
LoLo: Conjugal visit.
Flipit: She would have been nicer to him had she known he was holding.
Chen explains how this season will work.
Schoonie: So the HOH will nominate one duo, and then that duo has to campaign against each other. That’s smart.
Flipit: Ooooh I like that! If they have to campaign, I hope that someone says the other member of their duo was in Vietnam and shot someone in the back. And then Bush will win BB.
Schoonie: But then, what happens when it’s an odd number?
Flipit: They haven’t learned odd numbers yet. Don’t worry.
Schoonie: Keith’s upset that his CRAYON STRATEGY is ruined! “You can’t erase those, you know!”
The preacher and the whore VIP cocktail waitress immediately gravitate towards each other.
LoLo: I can’t decide which one of them I hate most…
LoLo: …so I’m super thrilled they’re paired
Schoonie: The answer is Keith.
Flipit: But he’s a Preaching Human Resources guy! How can you hate…never mind. You’re fired and a sinner.
Shelly teams up with the other model chick.
Flipit: Shelley will eat that hooker alive.
Schoonie: I doubt it I am so rooting for Shelly and O-Wilde. I have already forgotten her real name.
LoLo: I think I’m on board for that. I like Cassi
Flipit: I don’t know names yet. I’m gonna call Porsche Volvo
Flipit: HAHAH! YES!
Schoonie: Beetle. Just, change it up every time to a different shitty car
Flipit: Of course the leather wrestler daddy chose the pretty-ish boy. He needs a bottom. Called it!
Schoonie: Why is Kalia getting the sketchy music?
Flipit: Larry Madshaw is already pissed. I love it. She’s stuck with Lawrong! How would you feel?
I feel ya, girl!
Ding Dong! Someone’s at the door!
Schoonie: For REAL.
LoLo: It’s inevitable, but still.
Flipit: Why are you worried you guys? Maybe it’s a girl scout. Or a mormon. Or a stupid people assassin.
LoLo: BOOFLES. HAHAHAHAHA
Flipit: Boobs + Sniffles. I will always love that name.
Boobs wastes no time telling us they’re engaged.
LoLo: Did he propose before or after he yanked it on youtube? Just trying to get a timeline.
Flipit: He bought me a ring, took me to the beach, jerked off to a fan on twitter, and then tied a trash bag tie around my ring finger!
Schoonie: Has he lost weight?
Flipit: Wouldn’t you if you had to sit across from that at every meal?
LoLo: CARRIE BRADSHAW’s even talking about Boobs’ bouncing boobs. That’s something.
Schoonie: Adam is already pissed.
Her boobs are bigger than mine.
Schoonie: OMG I HATE his yelling. GET HIM OUT.
LoLo: <topping off wine immediately>
Flipit: God. That Boobs cackle. They should turn her laugh into a sound effect for car alarms. The crime rate would plummet.
Schoonie: Her hair looks better, at least.
Flipit: Why is she covering her cleave? I barely recognize her.
DING DONG! NEXT PAIR!
Shelly almost pees herself when she sees these two.
Schoonie: OH, yay! Okay, that I can deal with. I mean, they won’t last long. But yay! Jeff and Jordan!
LoLo: “this is an honor” lol. Shelly needs to get out more
Schoonie: Right up there with the Pope. Sorry, I meant poop. nevermind
Flipit: YAY JEFFJORDAN! One gives me giggles and one gives me boners. Perfect date! Dominic looks upset that the bot didn’t surprise him with his mom as a guest.
Jordan tries to figure out how long she’s been with Jeff. He explains what months and years are.
LoLo: Oh no. No math for j/j
Flipit: Stupid ass Jordan. I love her so hard. I wonder if she does their taxes.
Schoonie: Okay, they are the greatest. Clearly they love each other, too.
LoLo: Love them, but they’re pretty shitty players. Hopefully they step it up and aren’t just schmoopie schmoopie all summer.
Schoonie: She did win. Mostly by being non-threatening.
Flipit: How is she shitty? She won! HAHAH
Schoonie: She did sort of…back into the win
LoLo: Grodner handed Jeff that fake power and then Jordan survived by blending in with the plants.
Flipit: Don’t they all? This is Big Brother. The stupidest won, God bless her heart. And got a hot guy.
Schoonie: Lolo has a point. I mean, Jordan didn’t have a crayon strategy. Grodner did tee it up for him. I didn’t mind, because it meant that Jessie was foiled, which was sweet. Also, and I’m just saying this now: I would much rather have Jessie and Natalie than Dick and Daniele again.
LoLo: Don’t get me wrong, I adore them. I’d do bad things to him in a heartbeat and she’s adorable. But I’m sticking with: shitty players until proven otherwise.
Flipit: You guys every season is rigged. Evel Dick was handed that shit on a sliver painted plate.
Schoonie: Oh, Marvati. Look who’s next!
LoLo: My parents love Evel Dick. It’s humiliating. Sorry mom and dad, but jesus christ
Flipit: Burn your parents with cigarettes and see how much they like it. Tell them you learned it from Dick.
Schoonie: AAARRRRGGHHH. And LOOK AT DANIELE.
LoLo: Whooooa Dani’s hair! Has she eaten?
Flipit: So. GROSS.
LoLo: Please tell me she’s eaten
Flipit: You don’t eat meth. You sniff it or something.
Schoonie: HAHAHA Dick’s job title is “Website CEO”. His website is probably drawn in crayon, too.
Flipit: The heavy metal 90210 loving leather daddy just compared Dick to Tori Spelling. No one in America thought of that first, but no one will argue, either.
LoLo: Nope, no food for Dani
The Preacher gets an auto boner for Dicklet. EW.
Flipit: The preacher needs to keep it in his pants. No wonder no one goes to his church.
Schoonie: Daniele looks like she is not pleased to be doing this again. At all.
Flipit: I don’t remember ever seeing her look pleased.
LoLo: Dominic is starstruck. Oh Dom, you ignorant sitting duck.
Flipit: Dicklet looks like a thirty year old welcome mat. What happened to her?
Dick and Dicklet tell us that they still hate each other and haven’t spoken in three years.
Flipit: Yeah right. They’re going with that “not speaking” lie again?!!? We already fell for that one once!
Schoonie: Of course they haven’t talked in three years. Would you talk to her?
Flipit: Only to get Nick’s number.
LoLo: Hahaha look at her face
Schoonie: She is so pissed
LoLo: Scarier than usual
Schoonie: Love it. She’s the worst too.
Flipit: Equally disgusting. Newsflash: after three minutes of the Dicklets, HD has been outlawed for eye safety reasons.
The HG’s gather around Dick and treat him like a hometown hero for winning while Jordon pouts that no one congratulates her on her win.
Flipit: Poor Jordan has a summer of serious abuse coming to her. I can’t believe Dick hasn’t spit a loogie on her yet.
Schoonie: FLIPIT! WHERE’S AMBER? This doesn’t feel right without her.
Flipit: AMBER! WAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
LoLo: Please no
Schoonie: She’s probably off somewhere being a model
LoLo: Dick >> Wamber
Schoonie: No way. She was the absolute shittiest, which makes her the best in a weird roundabout way
The show was so mean to her.
LoLo: She IS useful when I need to ID some Jews. But otherwise pass.
Schoonie: Remember the montage of her eating?
Flipit: HA !! YES! I loved her because she was one of the most hilarious morons of all time. Also I felt bad for her when I met her at the Fox Reality Awards cuz no one would talk to her. HAHAHAH
Schoonie: Wait, YOU MET HER? And I haven’t heard about it yet? And you didn’t get a PICTURE?
Flipit: YES!! I did get a picture!! With all of them. They were all there. I told Jenius we made t-shirts of her and she wanted a cut.
Schoonie: That’s it. I’m moving to LA
Flipit: And Dick was with some meth head teen who grabbed his wiener in the pics. I think he was wearing the same clothes as tonight.
Schoonie: Not shocking. The teen was probably his website CFO.
LoLo: Why haven’t we seen this?!
Flipit: You did see it! I posted it on TVgasm you assholes.
Schoonie: Never heard of it.
Flipit: I still pronounce your name Shoony so it’s ok
LoLo: …thats not how its pronounced?
Flipit: No it’s Skoonie. It’s some kind of boat or some shit
Schoonie: Or, you know, part of my real name. Whatever. Just mock my real name, assholes.
Flipit: OH YA. SORRZ
And we’re back! Today’s competition involves the teams hanging onto giant bananas. LaWrong immediately does an ape impression.
LoLo: Okay, this might be too bad to make the edit, but I don’t think a black guy should be doing monkey impressions. Just putting that out there.
Schoonie: Agreed. I didn’t type it. But YOU DID
Flipit: That old Republican City Council lady in the OC who sent out a mass email of Obama as a chimp and said she had no idea it was racist must be feeling some sort of vindication right now.
PlathAddict: (who has been taking parts of this post to live tweet, like an angel) I Totally agree on the black guy monkey thing. As a black woman I say that.
Flipit: Giant hanging bananas. If one of them starts stroking itself on the internet Rachel will marry it.
Schoonie: Some of these people have plenty of experience holding bananas. ZING!
Flipit: (head in hands)
Schoonie: Nailed it!
LoLo: They really like to go phallic for the first hoh
Schoonie: Yeah, wasn’t it hot dogs last year?
LoLo: Yes sir.
Flipit: One year I hope they have to swing from actual penises.
LoLo: Not the worst thing thats been in Dick’s face, by far
Flipit: I feel bad for the banana. Its shelf life was just cut in half.
And then chocolate comes spraying out at all of them.
Schoonie: “This chocolate is totally gross!” Is a sentence that should never be said
LoLo: Oh Shelly, Shelly, Shelly.
Shelly is the first to drop. But it was totes on purpose cuz she didn’t wanna be first HOH and make people skerd of her.
LoLo: I don’t think they have to worry about looking like “huge threats”
Flipit: I feel threatened. Shelly looks like she has giant worms in her lips. They move independently of each other. They could hurt someone.
Schoonie: He is SITTING on Porsche’s head
Flipit: That looks like a very scary doctor’s appointment. Jeff said Jordon is always falling off his banana. HAHAH.
LoLo: And then Reverend de-pants Porsche in the fall.
The newbies are like dropping like flies like!
Flipit: Boobs doesn’t learn her lesson. She’s gonna win and then be strong and piss everyone off and get kicked off week four.
Schoonie: People didn’t kick her off for being strong. They kicked her off because she was so annoying
Flipit: Oh yeah.
LoLo: Well thats still gonna be true
Flipit: Leather Bear chose wisely. Welcome to life outside your mom’s basement, pretty-ish boy! This is what a job interview looks like. Get used to it.
Schoonie: Hey, Adam screamed when he fell! That’s novel! Dick looks like an even bigger mess than usual.
LoLo: I need to shower desperately after that riding this banana like a bucking bronco comment.
Flipit: So does he.
Just the Dicks, Porsche and Boobs are still in the game.
Schoonie: Awesome, Dick and Daniele are going to win. Rachel: “I spend most of my time on bananas”. Yeah you do.
Flipit: Rachel has had lots of practice holding on to her banana and isn’t afraid to admit it.
And then whipped cream shoots in their faces.
LoLo: Nothing about this challenge is new to boobs
Schoonie: Has Daniele said a word yet? Like, anything?
LoLo: Nope. Just grimaced.
Flipit: She never speaks in public. Just to her dad and whatever guy she’s boning. Otherwise she lets her meth face say everything for her.
Porsche falls, and the Dicks try and work out a deal with Boobs.
Schoonie: Who makes a deal with Dick and Daniele? In which you let them win?
LoLo: Listening to Dicklet beg is etter than “nooooo-eh! thats noooooot-eh what im sayinnnnnnnng-eh!”
Schoonie: HEY, SHE’S TALKING! But she threw it. So now Rachel’s the first HOH.
LoLo: Boofles fml
Schoonie: It could have been worse.
Flipit: Now that’s how to be a VIP cocktail waitress, Porsche! Maybe if you took night classes in chemistry you could have held on longer. At least the leather daddy has another chance to growlyell.
Schoonie: I hate Adam. Less screaming please. He is a cartoon.
LoLo: I really want to like him, but that scream thing needs to go. immediately.
Boobs gloats about her win and giggles that nothing comes between her and her banana.
Flipit: I sure as hell hope a condom comes between her and her banana. The world has enough morons.
LoLo: Yeah at least keep those genes contained so they don’t affect the general pop.
Schoonie: Please, it’s impossible to tell how much of Rachel is hereditary and how much of her is mutated. She’s like the three eyed fish from The Simpsons.
PlathAddict: This show sounds terrible
Flipit: It is! Wonderfully terrible!
LoLo: It’s amazing plath
Back from break. The HGs are in the living room waiting for the bot to appear.
Flipit: Hairy Sadshaw looks piiiiiissed! HAHAHAH! LOVE IT!
Whoever wins HOH for the first four weeks will get a magic golden key and automatically make it to the top 10.
Flipit: The foil covered key. I wonder how many of those will break before they are even worn.
Schoonie: Oh, the HOHs won’t be competing either. That’s interesting. So, essentially, you have one shot at Dick
Flipit: OH SNAP! So this guarantees that Boobs is in for at least a month? YAAAAY!
Schoonie: That also means pretty much everyone has to be nominated at one point
Flipit: I am glad you are explaining this to me cuz I honestly don’t get it. I am too stupid to understand Big Brother. Time to bathe with a toaster. Meh who cares. I am going to love all the different shapes Shelley’s lips make this season.
Schoonie: They’re only doing that so they don’t have to change competitions, really
Boobs says the golden key is the ultimate floater.
Flipit: Uh oh! Watch your back, golden key! Boobs called you a floater!!
And with that, the show ends. So are you guys into the “twists” this season? Are you going to spend three months of your life to find out whether or not someone will punch Rachel in the throat? If this opener wasn’t enough to make you turn your TV on this Sunday night, maybe this will help:
Guys thanks so much for being with us! Schoonie will be back Monday with the next recap. We’ll be doing Sunday night Podgasms, hanging out at the BB facebook page, and running the occasional live tweet. (Thanks, PlathAddict!)
And of course, don’t forget to check out Chooch’s nonstop coverage of the live feeds!