Big Brother: Battle of the Showmances

Tonight on Big Brother, Boofles is back in charge.  God help us.

“BRENNNNN-DON!   I’m so happy for I and you!”

The previouslies remind us that Dr. Schmekel (Andrew) gave one of the best nominee speeches ever when he announced to everyone in the house that HAYDEN and not-Random Chick-anymore Kristen spend their free time making inbred butterfaced babies, and then repeated all the shit talking Kristen’s been doing.  This unsurprisingly did nothing to help Dr. Schmekel escape eviction, but it certainly got us some desperately needed drama, judging from the muted footage of Kristen screaming during the live vote and the explosion in the backyard after the HOH competition.  I will miss that crazy bastard, although I’m not sure everyone will.

“I’m so glad Andrew is gone!  He was so selfish.  So weird.  He didn’t seem like a very good person to me.  I think he was a Jew!  Did you SEE that nose?  That’s totally how you can tell.  And I bet his last name was like Cohenlevylichtenstein.  You can tell that way, too.  That’s what my mom and sister told me.

By the way, why hasn’t Tyra called me yet?  It’s been like 5 cycles and people keep telling me I’m model material.  I don’t get it! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

As we re-watch Dr. Schmekel’s speech, Kristen confessionals that she’s shocked that he knows about her showmance with HAYDEN as they were “so careful.”  Wow, she’s even dumber than she looks when her eyes roam into that drunken cross-eyed alignment they seem to favor.  Anyone who went to college can tell you that it is impossible to hook up without your roommate knowing exactly what’s going on and hating you for being gross enough to do that.  And/or rude enough not to extend an invitation to join.  Maybe I’m giving her too much credit on that whole college thing, though.

Lane can’t believe that HAYDEN would make out with his cousin, since his momma had warned him them Yankees don’t be doing that stuff so he better not say nothing or they’ll be on him faster than green grass through a goose.  As the live voting starts, HAYDEN shows some life for the first time in weeks as he demands to know why Dr. Schmekel is lying.  The doc insists that he is not lying, and correctly points out that there’s no reason for him to lie at this point as he’s totally going home anyway.  Kristen then jumps in, doing that annoying, “I’m too stupid to come up with a good argument so I’m just going to pretend I’m a seal” loud repetitive hand clapping thing that girls tend to do when arguing.  Oh wow, was that… 14 claps?!  Okay, I totally see your point now.  Maybe if Marcia Clark had used that strategy, the whole OJ trial would have come out differently.

“Thank God she didn’t clap, Juice.”

Dr. Schmekel keeps insisting he was “up” for all their hookup sessions, and while I don’t think he’s referring to his boner, that’s all I can think about so I really want this conversation to end before I freak out.  The voting finishes up and he finally heads out the door.  We color in with the HGs roaming around in shock and Boobs continuing her assault on grammar by informing us that Dr. Schmekel’s outburst might be good for her and Sniffles (Brendon), or Boofles as I’ve come to call them.  We then relive Boobs winning HOH and Matt lamenting that they cannot get Boofles out of house.  You know, at least not without nominating them when you’re HOH.  It’s shocking how that works out.

Boobs immediately gets cocky, strutting around the boxing ring HOH set up (producers lucked into some visual gold with that one) and announcing that the floaters should get their life vests (haha, that’s actually pretty clever, other than the fact it makes her more disliked than ever), and then specifically calling out Kristen as a floater.  With the Brigade amazingly still a secret, pretty much everyone in this house is a floater but Boofles, so I don’t really think it’s fair to label anyone that.  When Kristen says that she’s not a floater, Boobs challenges Kristen to name a competition that she’s won, displaying Boobs’ misunderstanding of the concept of floater as we’ve never seen Kristen throw competitions to avoid having power.  Boobs then tells us that she knows Kristen didn’t want her to win HOH and that makes her a bitch.  That, again, would apply to anyone but Sniffles.  I don’t like Kristen, so I don’t like that I’m having to defend her, but Boobs is being an idiot and I don’t see why she’s so pissed off.

Boobs then decides to announce that she heard Kristen and HAYDEN hooking up the night before, and Kristen seal claps and screeches that it’s not true.  The girls then call each other stupid and decide to compare the prestige of their college degrees, which makes both of their alma matters proud to have admitted them.  I’m shocked the University of Phoenix does not get mentioned during this.  HAYDEN jumps in and demands that Boobs prove her intelligence by saying a sentence without using the word “like”  — this coming from the guy who’s a 6th year senior at ASU.  Despite amusing me for a moment, he then quickly goes back to being boring.  Kristen yells that she’s never said a bad word about Boofles, and Sniffles accuses her of saying that she would put Boofles on the block if she won HOH.  We flash back to a conversation between her and Boobs, and what Kristen actually said was that she wasn’t sure who she would nominate.  This is what she screams in Boobs’ face  now, while adding that she does not lie.  Other than about banging HAYDEN, that is.

“I have been clapping for 5 minutes here, and still no one has fed me any fish!”

As the other HGs watch the argument in delight, the cause of their excitement ranging from love of drama (Gaygan) to no longer being a target themselves (Britney) to horniness and prayers for jello (Lane and Enzo), Kristen declares that she will survive this week and come after Boobs.  Boobs immediately counters that she will make it her priority to get Kristen out of the house.  Kristen, of course, tells us that Boobs is jealous of her and has been since day one.  As we discussed back when Monet and Britney used this same line of logic, Boobs is the one with arguably the hottest guy in the house (as long as he doesn’t talk), Boobs is the one whose alliance is repeatedly winning competitions, and Boobs is the one who is getting a huge chunk of camera time.  Pretty sure she’s not jealous — just taking advantage of the shit that got stirred up.  As a side note, mothers really need to stop telling their daughters that the reason some other girl doesn’t like them is because she’s jealous.  It’s usually  just because the daughters are lying bitch hookers.  That’s what I’ll tell my girls.  It’s called good parenting.

With a lull in the fight, the showmances retreat to separate corners of the boxing ring and Sheriff Mascara (Kathy) goes over and hugs HAYsten.  Boobs sees this and starts yelling at the Sheriff that she sees what side the Sheriff is on, and ignores the Sheriff’s protests that she was just looking for a place to rest her head for a minute, as all that mascara really adds on the pounds.  The Sheriff says that she’s not picking sides and that she wants everyone to get along.  I sure hope she has a different approach when an assault victim shows up at the station and wants to press charges.  “Oh, look here’s your boyfriend now, and he brought a sock full of quarters.  How sweet, you guys can go to the arcade!  You kids run along now, and work this little misunderstanding out.”   Boobs declares that she will never get along with Kristen.  Okay, so I guess Kristen and HAYDEN are going on the block.  Now what do we do for the next 50 minutes?

I’d suggest counting the hairs left on Enzo’s head, but we need to fill 50 minutes, not 5.

With the fight finally over, Boofles goes in to the red room to celebrate, which naturally involves straddling but less tongue massaging than usual.  Boobs decides that she’s going to be the biggest bitch ever this week, and Sniffles immediately begs her not to, as it will hurt other people’s feelings and that makes him a sad panda. She continues to insist that she’s tired of having to fight to be safe each week, and he leans in for a kiss to get her to STFU.  When that doesn’t work, he compliments her.  There you go!  That’s Boobs’ version of a pacifier.

Matt, Enzo and Lane meet to discuss how they can’t do anything right, generously using a plural after Matt screwed the pooch big time as HOH.  Assuming Boobs nominates HAYsten, they plan to sacrifice Kristen to save their alliance-mate.  With only 7 people voting this week, they’re only one vote shy of doing whatever they want come Thursday, so they are the ones to watch this week.

Later, HAYDEN pulls Boobs aside to kiss stripper ass apologize for the only amusing thing to come out of his mouth in four weeks.  She pretty much ignores the apology and begins crying over how mean Kristen is to her, and how HAYsten totally would have nominated Boofles.  He likewise ignores that and insists he’s not in a showmance.  She doesn’t believe him, so all in all the conversation is about as productive as me trying to fit into my jeans from college.

“Look, Hayden, I get that everybody needs their own schtick.  I have shouting at the camera in the Diary Room, you have looking like you haven’t washed your hair since you started college nearly a decade ago.  You can’t have both.”

HAYDEN goes to report the outcome of the conversation to Kristen, and Boobs shows up a few minutes later to half-heartedly apologize to Kristen, telling her that all the personal attacks weren’t really personal at all.  Kristen refuses the apology, and Boobs stomps off while HAYDEN realizes that he’s caught between two crazy bitches.  He then goes to the Brigade and admits that he’s totally willing to Boogie Kristen’s ass and cut her loose to save the Brigade.  Dick move, maybe, but a smart one in this situation.  Please mark this as the one and only time I will credit HAYDEN for doing something smart.

Boobs gets the key to her HOH room, and Kristen refuses to go see it.  Boobs takes a quick count of the HGs that do show up, and rhetorically asks “Is this everyone?”  Unfortunately, they edited out the second part of her comment “Oh well, after this week it will be.”  Hahaha.  I must admit that I like Boobs.  She’s like Jessie — so unbelievably fucking annoying that you either have to learn to laugh at her or lose your mind and start throwing rocks at kittens in your spare time.  She’s got new pictures, including ones where her hair and makeup are normal colors and she looks a hell of a lot prettier than she does now.  Enzo tells us that it’s time to ass kiss, and he does it very smoothly.  Hell, even I believed he couldn’t wait to watch the spy screen using her new remote while applying tanning mist and listening to “Spice Up Your Life”.

“Can I bes Ginger Spice?!”

Britney emerges from a few episodes of obscurity to remind us how awesome she is, explaining in a mock-excited voice that the houseguests would rather hang themselves — complete with impressive miming of a noose — than look at Boobs’ HOH room.

We’re right there with you.

Meanwhile, Sheriff Mascara goes and finds Kristen, still sulking where we last left her, and continues the BFF act she started in the HOH aftermath.  Since when did these two become so close?   I think the Sheriff may be my least favorite HG.  She sucks at competitions, she has no strategy or real alliance, and she is developing the ridiculously stupid habit of clinging to each week’s wounded duck.  First Monet, now Kristen?  I swear, the Sheriff would have rowed out to the Titanic and climbed aboard post-iceberg had she been given the opportunity.  “Hi, y’all, I’m so sorry you’re about to die, is there anything I can do?”  Anyway, Kristen declares that she’s not going anywhere.  We will see about that.

The kittens better start taking cover.

With everyone a Have this week, there’s a luxury competition in place of the Have/Have Not competition.  And it’s the annual movie promo competition, where the winners get to screen a movie a week before it hits theaters and gush to us about how great it is.  In other words, this is a big fucking commercial/waste of time.  This year’s movie is “The Other Guys” and even Mark Wahlberg’s hotness can’t keep me interested.  They head out to the backyard, where Boobs gets so shrill while reading the competition rules that I have to mute her.  Basically it’s a timed police-themed obstacle course, and the winning team of three gets to see the movie and tell us how awesome it is.

Red team members Lane, Matt and Britney are up first, and we see that they’re forced to group together inside a plastic police car that they carry around their waists, and trot along, single-file.  It’s the Human Centipede, BB style.  Lane tells us that he is the lead mule and the calves just need to stay behind and let him lead.  He does know that there are entirely different animals, right?  The yellow team of Gaygan, Sheriff Mascara and Kristen are next, and Kristen shows us why the editors have pretended she doesn’t exist for the past four weeks by doing her odd uneven blinking thing and then lamely saying something about sirens and her coming through.  They take so long on the course that Enzo’s grown a new set of pubes for his upcoming hair transplant.  Gaygan blames the Sheriff for their snail’s pace, comparing her to the corpse from Weekend at Bernie’s.  Just as I’m about to chuckle at that, he ruins it with yet another “sassy gay guy” comment, this time about foam parties, being strapped to people, and getting arrested by the end of the night.  I’m sorry, but there’s no way this dork has had nearly as exciting of a sex life as he wants us to think.  The closest he’s come to a foam party is that time he and his friends had a Top Chef-themed potluck. STOP TRYING SO HARD.

The green team has a totally unfair advantage, as it consists of three athletic guys –  HAYDEN, Enzo and Sniffles.  They race through the course so fast that you’d think Will Ferrel and Mark Wahlberg were actually going to be at the screening, and then fall on top of each other when they bust through the wall that marks the end of the course.  <Insert sassy “man sandwich” comment from Gaygan had he been on this team>  The red team clocks in at 52 seconds, the yellow team finished at a mortifying 2:18, and the green team unsurprisingly wins with 47 seconds.  Enzo tells us that he knew they killed it and that that other HGs are lucky it wasn’t an HOH competition because he totally would have killed that too and come in third or fourth this time instead of his usual dismal placing.  Sniffles is thrilled to be on the winning team, because he gets to take Boobs out on a date and make out with her during a movie.  Prize or punishment for the others — you be the judge.

Later on, Britney and Boobs take a bath together, and Britney finds a new shit-talking companion as both girls bitch about how useless Kristen is in the game, how she has fake interests just to be cool, and Britney’s favorite — the high-waisted pants.  Boobs seems to think she and Brit Brit are totally bonding, but Britney tells us not to worry — she still hates Boobs but is just trying to keep her own ass off the block.  Smart girl.  Britney may just be a threat, y’all.

“I hope there’s some Monistat 7 in the storage room tomorrow.  Something tells me I’m going to need it after tonight’s whore soup.”

Before nominations, Sheriff Mascara goes to talk to Boofles to plead her case.  She basically washes her hands of Kristen, and then declares that she’s not a floater — all while Boofles exchanges amused glances.  She tries to claim that her vote against Matt two weeks ago was to show Boofles support, which is complete bullshit and interpreted as such by the power couple.  This is now the third way she’s tried to spin that idiotic move.  Boobs wants a promise that Boofles won’t be nominated should Sheriff win HOH (unless it’s a chain smoking competition, that ain’t happening), and the Sheriff doesn’t answer the question and instead says that she could be a jury vote in their favor.  Boobs doesn’t push her to answer the question, so she either didn’t catch the evade or realizes that she might as well as the Sheriff what she will do when monkeys fly out of her butt.

Meanwhile, HAYDEN tries to convince Kristen to talk to Boofles, but she initially refuses to do so because she doesn’t want to be an ass kisser.  He admirably refrains from shaking her and merely reminds her that that is part of the game.  She reluctantly heads up there to talk to Boobs alone.  It immediately disintegrates into them arguing again over whether Kristen said she was going to nominate Boofles, with Boobs guilt-tripping Kristen and Kristen claiming that she was one of the few people in the house who wasn’t going after Boofles.  From seeing the flashback earlier in the show, I think Kristen is right in this situation — she never did say that she was going to nominate Boofles, and in fact came close to promising that she wouldn’t.  It seems to me that Boobs is taking advantage of Dr. Schmekel’s accusations landing Kristen in the spotlight, and making the rest up to justify her actions.  Why she doesn’t just say, “Brendon and me <eye roll> have been targeted from day one for being a showmance, and now that I learn that you’ve been doing the same thing secretly, I think it’s your showmance’s turn to be on the block” rather than making up this story that Kristen said she would nominate Boofles.  By the end of the conversation, nothing is resolved, although Kristen does seem to vaguely threaten Boobs by warning her that she will take any decision personally.  Intimidating.

Kristen leaves and Sniffles comes in.  Boobs admits that she’s considering not nominating Kristen anymore, and he’s like “wow you’re falling for the emotional card?” which is amusing coming from the man who tears up at the thought of puppies in a meadow.  She admits that she’s undecided between HAYDEN, Kristen and the Sheriff, and Sniffles expresses his exasperation to us, telling us that Boobs should stick with HAYsten as originally planned.  They both fear that if Kristen and Sheriff Mascara are the nominees, the Sheriff will go home.  If none of the Brigade is on the block come Thursday, they have the majority of the votes right there, so Boofles is entirely right to worry about Kristen staying in that situation.

Nominations time!  Sniffles’ key is first, followed by Britney, Gaygan, Lane, Enzo, Matt, and Sheriff Mascara.  This, of course, puts HAYsten on the block.  Boobs announces that she put them on the block because she doesn’t think they’re fighting to stay in the house, and they were gunning for “Brendon and I.”  AGH.  She then decides to end her speech with “bring it on!” and saunters away from the table.  Oh, Boobs, your ego is starting to get bigger than your funbags.  You better get control of that shit and fast.

Kristen confessionals that she WILL bring it, oblivious to the golden opportunity to channel Torrance Shipman and remaining as bland as ever.  HAYDEN is pissed that he’s up against Kristen, but he has no qualms about cutting her lose to stay in the house.  Lane still thinks they’re related, and doesn’t care as long as the Brigade doesn’t lose HAYDEN.  As for Sniffles, he’s pissed that Boobs “won’t play nice” and is on a power trip.  Might there be trouble brewing in paradise?

So what did you think of this episode?  Did Boobs make the right nominees?  Should HAYsten keep hiding their showmance now that they’ve been called out?  Will Sniffles get the nerve to confront Boobs on her mean girl behavior?  And who will win the POV?  See you soon!