Previously on Big Brother: Boobs finally let her stupid annoying bitch flag fly while hiding in plastic vegetation, Jordan showed signs of intelligence above an IQ of 80, and Dicklet continued to play a rock solid game. Tonight, either Steven Tyler Shelly or Cassi will go home. I think we all know what’s about to happen, but join me, will you?
Volvo: “Um, excuuuuse me, but who let this old bag sit on the slut stools?”
Chenbot welcomes us, wearing one of the ugliest safari get ups I’ve ever seen. At least there’s a crotch button, which I’m sure Les likes. It’s important to him that he can easily stick his external hard drive in his Bot’s port, if you know what I’m saying <I Jordanesquely add>.
The homely audience claps and Che— omg, does she have a cape?!? Chenbot has a fucking cape! No longer satisfied with just mind controlling us to watch this horrific show, Chenbot has now cast new aspirations on ruling the world! Those Asians are so smart — us lowly Caucasians are so screwed. Especially if there’s math or science involved in her world domination plans. Anyway, Super Chenbot rehashes this week’s sequence events, telling us that Jordan — competing for Super Chenbot for worst dressed in a muumuu — nominated Leather Daddy (Adam) and Virgin (Dominic), only for Virgin to win the veto and force Jordan to nominate Steven Tyler and Cassi in their place.
We color in after the POV ceremony, and Steven Tyler seems confident that Cassi’s ass is going to be the one that the door’s hitting come Thursday. I’ve previously referred to Cassi as “Actually Hot Girl” but bitch hasn’t sh0wered all week and it’s starting to show. If you’ve followed the live feeds, you know it’s because she’s boycotted the cold Have Not showers all week. Do cold showers suck? Sure. Does she have the right to choose to have a smelly vag? I guess so. Thank God Smell-o-Vision hasn’t been perfected yet.
Did you forget to take the trash out after cooking tilapia last night? Oh wait — it’s just Cassi.
Nasty Cassi tells us that it sucks to campaign against Steven Tyler because she’s a rock legend she’s the nicest mom ever. Virgin feels bad that Nasty Cassi is totes getting the boot this week after he used the POV, but Boobs is gleeful, stating that while Jordan may have gone against the vets in her nominations, Boofles got what it wanted in the end. Not like Boofles had anything to do with that. And so the shebeast’s ego grows even bigger. Soon it will be big enough to fill one of the funbags hanging off her torso. Awesome.
Steven Tyler cries in the confessional that her decision to vote out Bible Humper (Keith) in week 1 might have directly led to Nasty Cassi’s evicti0n this week. I fail to see what difference that vote makes in this situation, but it does lead to some very unfortunate facial expressions from STyler:
“I’m so scared that X Factor will destroy the shred of relevance that I’ve clawed back!”
Nasty Cassi and Steven Tyler commiserate, with STyler indirectly admitting that she’s sure that she’ll survive the week when she urges Nasty Cassi to campaign. In the confessional, Cassi swipes at the 6 layers of accumulated grease on her face and tells us that there’s no way she can campaign against Steven Tyler because “Dude Looks Like a Lady” was just too awesome. That and because her stench causes everyone else to run out of the room screaming and vowing never to eat fish again.
Up in HOH, Jordan is busy crying because she cannot get 2 + 2 to equal 4 no matter how hard she tries. That, and she feels bad about putting up Steven Tyler and Nasty Cassi as replacement nominees. Jeff repeatedly tells Jordan not to worry about it — if she wants to feel bad about something, she should think about all those innocent young boys stuck alone in a castle at Dumbledore’s mercy. The conversation turns to their fears of Boofles turning on them. I’m in the camp that thinks it was smart for the brain trust not to put up Boofles as a replacement nominee because the newbies, when they inevitably gain power, will go after Boofles before J/J. Boofles is like a living, breathing, nauseating shield for J/J. Let that duo take the first veteran bullet.
Later on, Dicklet continues playing a brilliant game by comforting Steven Tyler, who is distraught that her stringy haired daughter is seeing that mommy is a big old tranny hypocrite for insisting that they always be honest while lying through her teeth to Nasty Cassi. Dicklet, however, urges STyler to keep things in perspective.
“My dad was also a prematurely aged, chain smoking, hypocritical sack of shit and look how well I turned out!”
“OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!”
Boobs and Nasty Cassi decide to sit down to talk things out, and you know this is going to be good. Cassi wants to know how she wound up in Boobs’ cross-hairs of crazy, and Boobs claims it’s because she’s heard that Cassi really wants the veterans evicted. Cassi correctly points out that the same is true for most, if not all, of the newbies and accuses Boobs of not liking her because it’s a “female thing.” Well that would explain why Boobs seems okay with Steven Tyler… Boobs feigns complete shock at this accusation, and states that her issue with Cassi dates back to last week when Cassi was the only person who wasn’t buying the Boofles-branded happy family shit and told Boofles flat-out that she thought it would always be vets versus newbies. Both rationales of Boobs’ hatred are probably true to some extent, but I’d say the pretty (yet unwashed) girl thing is a much bigger chunk of it. Boobs tells Cassi she’s a shitty player because she didn’t win HOH this week, ignoring the fact that the same statement could be said about nearly everyone else in the house — including dear old Sniffles. Fed up and perhaps needing to have a private genital scratching session from lack of bathing, Cassi stands up and declares Boobs a catty girl who is ugly on the inside. The outside’s not much better, but who’s asking?
Boobs goes up to HOH and fake cries to Jordan, which involves a lot of eye scrunching and whiny voices, but very few actual tears. And by very few, I mean zero. Jordan continues her eerily wise streak by telling Boobs that she comes off like Bitchface McGee in the house, whether she means to or not. Anyone else starting to think that Jordan = Rain Man, but with social instead of mathematical skills? But even idiot social savant Jordan cannot completely hide her annoyance with Boobs when she says “Don’t cry” about as convincingly as I say “I love working out.” Poor thing. Regardless, Boobs continues to fake cry, saying that she’s not a mean girl and never talks shit about anyone. Just as I’m reeling from that one, Boobs tops herself by next insisting that CASSI plays the victim role. The only people who know more about being a victim than Boobs are the people stuck in a conversation with Boobs.
Later on, Nasty Cassi confronts Sniffles about how they made a deal last week and she doesn’t understand what has changed — other than Boobs being a complete fucking psycho. Sniffles begins one of his patented condescending lectures, only to be interrupted by Cassi, who asks that he not condescend to her. “No, I want to explain it to you. Maybe you don’t understand it?” Sniffles condescends. God, he’s the WORST. He continues: “You want me to draw some pictures? Cause I can. If that helps.” Where’s Bible Humper and his Crayola strategy guides when you need him? Oh yeah, he’s busy grinding on some ho in a club while praising the Lord for creating spandex and rohypnol.
Needless to say, Nasty Cassi doesn’t respond well to Sniffles and she walks off while Sniffles tells her that he hopes she feels okay with her family watching what she’s done. Because he’s the prime example of familial pride.
Doing Momma proud, one cock shot at a time.
Back to Super Chenbot, who asks Lawrong how hard the competitions are, and he keeps his racist (can you call it racist if you’re of the race you’re mocking — discuss) shtick to a minimum and gives a non-answer. Fat and the City is asked about her (fake) injury, and she shockingly says that she’s doing perfectly fine and enjoying 10 balanced meals a day. Leather Daddy tells Super Chenbot that he’s very appreciative that Virgin won POV, even though LD was secretly going to throw the competition. Like he ever could have won if he had tried — former (?) fatty + skinny balance beam = involuntary vasectomy. Cassi — whose hair was finally washed on Wednesday by Virgin who was presumably gagging from the stench — sarcastically thanks Virgin as well, showing a sense of humor that makes me a little sadder that she’s clearly leaving tonight. Finally, Super Chenbot asks Boobs about her blowup with Jeff after the POV, and Boobs gratingly giggles her way through an answer that basically amounts to “I am awful but people have to put up with it! Tee hee!”
Time for the first hometown segment! We first travel to Hoboken, New Jersey, where we meet Leather Daddy’s beard girlfriend, Fara. She’s pretty cute, but then they sh0w this:
Fara tells us that LD used to be 300 pounds and he always wanted to be on Big Brother, and as proof we’re shown a brief clip of LD sweating his ass off during an audition for last year’s show. And Virgin thought that the 2011 version of LD’s ass on his head was bad…Imagine it 100 pounds heavier and 3 times as swampier.
Speaking of Virgin, we next travel to San Francisco, where a bunch of blandly attractive people are watching an episode of BB and pretending they regularly look at anything but mirrors and nutrition facts on protein shakes. They also have the token fat friend there to make them all feel better about themselves. We’re introduced to Dana, Virgin’s “best friend”, whom I’m pretty sure has been referred to as his girlfriend on the live feeds. Perhaps she doesn’t want to admit that she can’t force him to give it up. She tells us that Virgin is very sheltered and has never slept away from home before this show. Understandable. It’s certainly hard to get away from momma’s teat when you’re only 25 years ol— wait. Oh yeah, that’s super fucking pathetic.
Dana seems okay that Virgin’s flirting with Dicklet, but I assume she’s hoping that the resulting sexual frustration will get him flying at full mast when he comes home. Also, Dicklet’s shriek to Virgin of “I can’t do it, it’s too squishy!” has to at least be familiar and thus reassuring. Dana tells us that Virgin has a decent chance at winning this thing, while admitting in the same breath that Leather Daddy is probably the smarter of the two. When your best friend/dry humping buddy says you’re dumber than the middle-aged, bacon loving, chin pierced 90210 fan, you may want to ask mommy to put some arsenic in that next batch of cookies she bakes you.
“I LOVE BACON! NOM NOM NOM!”
“Ha ha ha… someone kill me, please.”
Super Chenbot then interviews Rain Jordan in the HOH room, first asking about her alliance with Boofles. Jordan rather articulately (seriously this is becoming disturbing… quick, someone ask her to say the alphabet to restore order in the world!) explains that while Boofles is very competitive and she and Boobs are complete opposites, it is too early for her and Jeff to turn on Boofles. Super Chenbot then asks about the marriage and children plan with Jeff. Damn, who added the Asshole program to the Bot this year? First asking Dicklet about loving the Methbag, and now this? Jordan handles the question fairly well, saying that she and Jeff first have to live in the same state before they can consider anything else. Are they seriously not even that far along yet after 2 years? Anyone else find that very odd? I can only assume that these two haven’t figured out the magic of the telephone yet to be able to communicate with each other about such plans.
Not-so-nasty tonight Cassi and Steven Tyler give their final speeches, both of which are pleasant, bland and very complimentary to each other. In other words, completely boring. This should be a landslide for a Cassi eviction, and despite Super Chenbot’s heroic effort at creating suspense, it’s unanimous for the model to pack her shit and get the f out.
After a bit of fake-hugging delay, Cassi makes her way out to see Super Chenbot as we’re treated to the clear sounds of Boobs pissing away on the john. HAHA. That had to be deliberate and assuming so — kudos to you, producers! Hearing the same thing, the homely audience titters uncomfortably as Super Chenbot asks Cassi about refusing to campaign against STyler, tries to bait Cassi into declaring herself a victim of “pretty girl syndrome” (which Cassi sidesteps more gracefully than I expected given that she’s bitched and moaned for the last 4 days about how life is SOOO hard being this really, really ridiculously good looking), and subtly criticizes the newbies for failing to do jackshit so far when they had a numbers advantage from day 1, only to be exacerbated by Loogie McAnalraper’s sudden departure.
After some boring goodbye videos, it’s time for the HOH competition! I’m rooting for Lawrong/Fat and the City because 1) I barely know who they are and 2) I think they would be legitimately torn between nominating a vet or a newbie duo whereas the other duos have clear targets.
“WHOO-EEE! I don’t know who to nominate up in this shizzle foshizzle! I’m gonna get me some grape drink and have to think about this one! BAM!”
The competition is the standard “Guess how America answered” which basically means “pick the most retarded choice” because come on, we’re talking about the results of a poll of Big Brother fans — myself included. 1 wrong answer and you are eliminated.
Question 1: Which house guest would you rather get mouth-to-mouth from — Jeff or Sniffles? I figured that Boobs, having her breakthrough this week that America hates her ass, would pick Jeff, but it’s pretty hilarious that Sniffles picks Jeff as well. Points to him for being ever so slightly more self aware than I realized. Still AWFUL though overall. Everyone chooses Jeff, everyone’s obviously right, next question.
Q2: Who’s more likely to piss in the pool — Leather Daddy or Fat and the City? Way too easy again, and everyone gets it right with LD. I knew that would be the answer because FATC never ventures that far from the fridge to pee in the pool.
Q3: Who’s more likely to steal someone’s lover — Boobs or Volvo (remember her, yeah she’s still on this show. I know, right?!)? This one’s a bit trickier but Boobs is the smarter answer as she’s obsessed with Sniffles. Everyone agrees with me but FATC, and the majority is correct with FATC eliminated.
Q4: Who’s more likely to save someone from a burning building — Steven Tyler or Sniffles? I’d go Sniffles on this one because he’s an egomaniac and presumably stronger. Everyone correctly chooses Sniffles, except for Jeff, who is eliminated.
“Sorry bro, thought you’d be too busy playing with your webcam… among other things.”
Q5: Who would America rather see in a bikini all summer — Volvo or Dicklet? Now this is a tough one, but I’m thinking Volvo’s funbags have an edge and it’s not like she serves any other purpose. Leather Daddy, Lawrong and Virgin all pick Volvo, with Boofles flapping in the wind together with their choice of Dicklet. And the answer is… Dicklet! Jesus Christ, vets are gonna win HOH again! And for the record, I’d like to submit this result as further evidence of my “Volve is a butterface” crusade.
The last few questions don’t even matter (for the record, America likes to flunk tests because it would rather cheat off of Jordan that Lawrong, and America thinks that Leather Daddy is more likely to lose his shit than Virgin, presumably over the removal of SoapNet from his cable package), but ultimately Boobs pulls out the HOH for the second time in three competitions.
Well guys, here we go again with another long Boofles-centric week. Are you surprised that Cassi’s gone? Are you happy that Boobs won HOH? Do you think Boofles will hold true to the veterans’ alliance, or will they be the first to draw blood by putting J/J on the block? We’ll soon know if J/J made a major error by sending Cassi home tonight!
Thanks for reading and see you guys soon!