Big Brother: Bedazzled Plastic Kills

Our lovely Chenbot opens by telling us that there are going to be bigger blindsides than ever before! Well they couldn’t possibly be bigger than the blindside you threw at us last night. Please warn us when you’re gonna show up without your makeup.

This is the first eviction show Chendra has shown up in without a trap door to feed BratBot. Welcome back to normalcy, Bot! I suppose someone explained formula to you. Well done!

Finally. We can rest knowing those things aren’t gonna whip out at any moment.

Previously, Matt won a bedazzled piece of plastic while wearing a sweater that showcased the scrawniest boobs this side of National Geographic, …

clickclickclackclackdouchebagclickclack

…Brendon cried a lot, and so did Gaygan. Only difference is, Brendon did it hotly and Gaygan did it like a cross eyed version of Sally Field in every movie she’s ever been in.

I want to win this game, but not. Without. My DAUGHTER!! WAAAAHHHHH!!!

HAYDEN and PussyPussy came up with a brilliant plan to let Matt get evicted cuz “dat’ll help me and you, brah!” Only problem is, he’s the only one in your alliance that can, you know. WIN anything. Pandora’s box gave us a vision of Heaven…

…and Hell.

That fight between Gaygan and Boobs was hard to watch. And by hard I mean I rewound six times and played it over some Missy beats before I went to bed. Delicious. Boobs is a moron, and Matt’s a hateful little queen. I have to say, though, I find it hard to side with Boobs when she wastes perfectly good carbs like that.

Matt did end up going on the block, because Brendon knows that it’s bad luck to not listen to bread products. Caught up? Good! Let’s get to it!

Before we even begin, let me take a stab. Sheriff Mascara’s ass is a goner tonight. There. Ok now let’s get to it. Chenwell calls Brendon the HOEighth. LOL. How many years on the job? She’s really getting smooth. Matt’s doing his best impression of the Brain.

Brendon tells us that Boobs still has him by the wiener. She’s so breaking up with him within a month. Matt is is super confident cuz he has the Veto. You can tell, cuz he’s doing his cracker rap hand gestures, shouting, and showing as many beaver teeth as possible.

We get it. Close your mouth.

PussyPussy confirms that he’s gonna try to get rid of Matt. Does everyone get to vote before Matt uses the veto? Cuz that would be awesome if Matt knew his whole team is turning on him. Super dramatic Lifetime Cancer Movie music is playing, which means it must be time for another earnest Gaygan scene. And as much crap came out of Boob’s mouth last night, she won my heart forever with the line “I love gay guys! And you SUCK at it!” Ah, from the mouths of Boobs.

He tells us that he’s so sad that Matt’s going up cuz his wife has a bone disease. He says it slowly and then starts miming boobs.

Yes, Gaygan. We know his wife has breasts. You don’t have to describe everything to us like we’re fucking five years old. Dick.

He decides to be positive and read the Bible. Kidding! He cries. Why? I don’t know. Probably for the poor people paying thirty bucks a month to watch this shit on the internet. Sorry Chooch. Wait. Spoke to soon. That bill is TOTALLY WORTH IT.

YES WE SEE YOU! STAND UP!!

After a boring non conversation with Gaygan, Matt corners HAYDEN and Pussy in the pantry to ask if they’ll be honest with him before the vote and tell him if he’s going home. They don’t answer with much confidence, cuz they can’t stop staring at his Ethiopirack.

Brah, you should totally get a nose ring as big as a rim.

Matt knows that now’s the chance to see if the Duhgade is gonna turn on him. HAY tells Matt about the carb message Boobs left Brendon in the HOH suite. He’s shocked that she was ingenious enough to use breadsticks, but it doesn’t occur to him that she might have just written his name down cuz it was the shortest. He’s pissed that Sheriff didn’t tell him about the message right away and calls it a betrayal. In her defense, she might have forgotten. She’s Sheriff Mascara.

At the pool, Pussy and HAY tell Lame that they have his vote for sure and obvs he has Britney’s. Things are all sewn up! OR ARE THEY? We already know the twist so this is all a little dumb. Later, Pussy asks Matt if he’ll still support the Duhgade if he’s booted. LOL. Smooth.

Matt tells us that now he wants to put up Enzo for being such a prick. Matt is kinda hilarious when he’s power tripping. I wonder how Grodner’s gonna keep him ahead of the game next week. Fuckin cheater. And don’t forget, nothing says rock n’ roll like a ten year old’s Paul Frank sock monkey pajama bottoms.

Chenlia Roberts tells us that Gaygan’s final sabotage might be the difference in who stays and who goes! No, that would mean he actually has to DO SOMETHING. I don’t believe you, Chenlilah!

I hope there’s a Roomba ad so we can have a vote for best tie in.

Saboteur Segment! That means we will be seeing a lot of faces like this:

Gayg’s big assignment is to leave a note in the house that says “I know your secret.” He’s gonna do it cuz he likes hoooorrrooooor moooovvvvieeeees. Yes, Gaygan, we know what those are. But thanks for the huge facial expressions and long words juuuuust in caaaase. HAAAAAATE.

He puts this note under Pussy’s pillow, and Pussy worries that when everyone finds out he’s gonna have big problems. So he subtly shakes the paper like he’s trying to make thunder noises, wakes Sheriff up, and then goes and tells everyone about it. Head slap. He could have just thrown that shit away. Grodner picked the perfect person to play that lame ass trick on. Sheriff says that she didn’t notice the note when she made Pussy’s bed. HAHAHAH. OMG. That’s actually good game play. Be everyone’s maid. I wouldn’t vote a maid out. I would fire her and throw things at her, but only if she had a sister desperate to show up the next morning to replace her. If she was the only maid in town, I’d just throw things and keep her forever. I’m not an idiot.

Pussy calls a meeting to tell everyone about it and blame it on Sheriff cuz she made his bed. Then HAYDEN’s like “she made my bed yesterday” and Britney’s like “and she did my delicates this morning” and Matt’s like “and she mowed the lawn and pitted the peaches for everyone before bed last night” and Gaygan’s like “I am sooooo proud to be here with you guys waaaaaaah!”

PussyPussy tells us now that he’s figured out this puzzle, it’s like the end of Scooby Doo. Or Andy Griffith.

After Pussy asks for a Scooby Snack for realizing that the S the letter was signed with is also the first letter in the word Sheriff, the other HGs start talking themselves into believing this bunk. Britney points out that Sheriff’s thrown every challenge. Yup. Sheriff seems like a really good puzzle player and she’s solid as a rock, physically. I’m sure she could have won every challenge if she wanted to. Come on Brit! You’re supposed to be the not quite as dumb one!

This bump on a log is a more competent player than Sheriff Mascara.

By the end of this, everyone’s convinced that Sheriff is a secret Taliban chief. They’re gathered in the living room now, and Chen Rather asks Britney what it was like having Boobs back for a day. She says it was like a bad dream and the house still smells like girl butt. Gaygan, what about that fight? He doesn’t regret it! His integrity’s not for sale! That part where you called her a zitty waitress was fucking bursting with integrity. Lame, if your mom sent you something what would you want? Lame wants muscle milk. Uh oh. Gaygan’s unzipping. I can’t watch this. Newsflash: the saboteur is still among you but their reign of lispy messages is now over! Even with that clue, no one guesses who it is. You try and use bigotry to help people…

You can say a lot about homely women, but we keep this show on the air.

They’re already making a movie about Matt.

Yo yo yo dawg clean up your room or I’m giving you bone cancer.

With my underarm fat.

A guy that will take you on a date to Chili’s? Priceless.

 

Chenny Jones gossips about Lame and Britney’s flirting, and then we get some home clips. Britney’s mom is really high pitched and fakey. Shock! She says that she knew Britney was going places. Big Brother’s quite a step. Every parent would be proud. Clips of Lame and Brit flirting in bed. Mom is proud that Brit has kept her legs crossed. If there was a bumper sticker that said “My Kid is a Frigid Reality Star”, it would be on the back of a pickup in her driveway right now. Lame comes from pretty much exactly where you think he does.

You have to wonder if that wolf on her head was wearing an angel too WHEN IT GOT ITS HEAD CHOPPED OFF.

Men so big babies are always trying to feed off them.

 

And of course, a mom that’s proud of him no matter how dumb he is. In her own words:

He’s a meathead who likes puppies!

HAHAH. I love her. They should have cast her. She’s like Rennie without wigs and a tuba accent. Lame’s brother Gunter (yes, Gunter) is shocked that Lame hasn’t date raped Britney yet cuz he totally goes for what he wants like a real red blooded American man. Mom says that underneath the muscle/fat/spermbreakfast Lame is super complex. Somehow I doubt that’s why Britney likes him.

It’s all fun and games until you’re married and the toilet is clogged with whole pieces of pizza every morning.

 

Time for the vote! Matt will get to use the Veto first though. Booooo! Matt gives the first speech. He says that Brendon’s convoluted speech has him confused about being on the block, Brendon’s a dumbass and he’s gonna use the Plastic Power of Veto. Chenbin Leech tells the HGs about the Pandora’s box and the fancy rich and famous bedazzled plastic Veto. Britney’s mouth is on the floor, and Sheriff is laughing like she knows she’s toast. But she doesn’t. Cuz why? Cuz she’s Sheriff Mascara. PS, I think Brendon’s starting to show signs of truly being in love with Boobs.

No one has the stones to start screaming “CHEATER! THIS IS SO CHEATING!” They all laugh like jackasses. Matt says he wants to put up Brendon but has to put up Sheriff Mascara. Shocker! Lame gives his speech. He thanks his family and compliments the HGs and looks all cute and stuff. Sheriff says that she loves everyone and she’s learned something from everyone. Well, she didn’t know much to start out, but it’s still a sweet sentiment. She’s so dead.

Hayden votes to evict Sheriff, and…well I could type all this out but you know this shit is unanimous. Gaygan does it the most like a singing Muppet, though.

I wish I had a tennis ball to throw. He’s just playing with himself.

Poor Sheriff. Everyone is partying while evicting her. Especially Britney, who dances so hard that she comes back to the living room with bed head. Jeeze. What did Sheriff ever do but…nothing? Now who’s gonna cry when people get evicted?! Gaygan, I guess. Hey, have you guys heard about the recession? Or the mosque at Ground Zero? Or the two wars we’re in? Don’t feel bad. Neither has the news.

Chentilly Lace tells Sheriff she’s out, and her exit is as huggy as possible, even though she just got unanimously booted. Sucka! Her final words are “be good to each other mkay?” Way to sink ratings. Back in the house, Brendon walks around dumbfounded, looking in boxes of carbs for notes about what to do now that he’s totally and completely fucked.

Sheriff smiles like she just won a car. She blames her age on her ouster and it hurts that she didn’t have time to say goodbye. Don’t worry, they had time. And they said goodbye in cheers to Heaven, dances, and giggles. You’ll see it when you get home to your DVR in September. And you’ll probably smile like a fucking idiot. Chenbra Walters asks if Sheriff fell on purpose in the competition thinking she was safe or if she’s just dumb as a box of chocolate, and Sheriff Mascara says she loves chocolate. Well, there you have it.

HOH competition! First, we watch clips of a game called Big Brother says. First they have to go outside and howl like dogs, then they have to tp the HOH room. Then they have to pause and listen to Gaygen give an Oscar acceptance speech and cry. Ugh. I am a sad bitter person that spends his free time making fun of people on TV, but even I have my standards. FF. The competition is a True or False match! Go! 1. True or false? Sheriff Mascara rode her way to the top by blowing the mayor. False! It was a city councilman. How cheap. Gaygan and HAY are out.

2. True or False: PussyPussy has better hair than a hairless cat. False! Ouch, that was rude, Grodner. Matt’s out! 3. True or False: Matt and his “wife” are the same person with different wigs. False! Matt’s wife is really the kid from Mask. Everyone gets it right.

4. True or False: Lane works out so hard to compensate for a tiny penis.

Poor Lame.

And he’s out! OMG Pussy might win something!! I doubt it, but it would be funny. True or False: Grodner looks like Bruce Vilanch on purpose. False. She was just born that way. Both Brit and Pussy get it right. They both get the next one wrong, so they’re both still in. True or False: Boobs is really Jesus coming back to Earth to test sinners and now you’re all going to hell.

True! Britney wins!! It’s gonna be awesome to watch Brendon cry like a little bitch when she betrays him the first second she gets the chance. YAY!! See you guys Sunday!