Big Brother: Blowing the Break

Tonight on Big Brother, we see whether  “diabolical genius” Matt’s HOH plan — and I’m using the term “plan” loosely because I don’t think he has any real idea what he’s doing — works as the POV is played and the ceremony takes place.

“I love that my wife and I are the same height when she sits in her totally real and not made up because I’m a lying, callous prick wheelchair and I … stand.”

We color in after the questionable nomination of Dr. Schmekel (Andrew) and the ridiculously stupid nomination of Sheriff Mascara, aka the human slug, aka Kathy.  Matt alluded in the last episode to a plan to use these nominations to backdoor Sniffles (Brendon) or Boobs (Rachel), but you know what would be a better plan?  Actually NOMINATING them and thus ensuring that one of them goes home, no matter what happens at the POV!  It also prevents you from making at least 1, and possibly 2 or more new enemies!  Matt, Matt, Matt, I really want to root for you, but you need to stop acting like you’ve got a fake disease of the brain to match your wife’s fake disease of the legs.   Thank God for you that your alliance is even weaker and more retarded and doesn’t really call you out on what an idiot you’re being, or you’d be in serious trouble.

Boobs confessionals that she’s shocked that “Brendon and I” aren’t nominated and that it means that Matt either trusts “Brendon and I” or that Matt is trying to backdoor “Brendon and I.”  Agh, every time she says that, an English teacher slits her wrists.  It’s Brendon and ME!  I’m not usually the grammar police, but I’m already cringing every time she opens her mouth, so the bad grammar is like an extra kick in the baby maker.  Dr. Schmekel knows that even as a pawn, there’s a decent chance he’ll be making matzah ball soup while rocking out to Matisyahu in his kitchen by this time next week.  Sheriff Mascara wonders if she missed something when her eyes got glued shut again the night before.  Hell, even HAYDEN KNOWS THESE NOMINATIONS WERE STUPID!

“I don’t care what people think about me!  I’ve got a dead baby story up my sleeve just in case.”

Boobs and Sniffles slurp happily in the red room, as the Sheriff takes Matt in for questioning in the HOH room.  She explains her vote for Monet by saying she wasn’t voting against Matt by… voting against Matt.  She was voting FOR Monet.  Uh huh.  You have to stop the Q-Tip when there’s resistance, Sheriff.  Matt doesn’t believe her for a minute, but I think that she is actually so dumb that she jeopardized her game just to throw a “friend” vote to brat who called her stupid behind her back and made idle threats of punching everyone and everything in the face.  The flamingos are still traumatized.  Matt tells Sheriff that she’s popular — aka not a threat — so she has a good shot of surviving his stupidity.  Wow, how comforting, guy who did this to her.

Meanwhile, the kissing cousins (HAYDEN and Random Chick Kristen, sadly not Maeby and George Michael) try to comfort Dr. Schmekel and HAYDEN tells us that he will use the veto on Dr. Schmekel should he win it so they can backdoor Sniffles.  I don’t know why HAYDEN suddenly is befriending Dr. Schmekel as our foot doc is still as annoying as ever, by groaning like Hugh Hefner getting a BJ when he learns that Boobs infiltrated the Have Not-friendly iced tea with illegal peaches.  Can’t you just make another pitcher of iced tea?  It’s free, so there’s no need to panic.  Dr. Schmekel goes to sulk and Sheriff Mascara follows, noting that some people are selfish.  Dr. Schmekel takes it one step further, wondering out loud what Sniffles sees in “this thing.”  Ouch, although that is one of the nicest things someone has said behind Boobs’ beleaguered back.  He tells us privately that he would like to align with Sniffles but he can’t handle the two big silicone obstacles bouncing in the way.

“Id-ee-a- ca-what now?  So, like, what types of mascara do Jews like?”

The Brigade has another not-so-subtle meeting outside, during which they convince Matt to try to backdoor Sniffles and make up for the shitty nominations.  While it’s noted that there’s a chance that their plan won’t work, Matt cockily tells them that everything works out for the Brigade.  Which means it likely WON’T work out for them.  And wasn’t it just the last episode we had to listen to them celebrating “finally catching a break”?  Their continuity is as thin as Pussy’s (Enzo) hairline.

We’re then treated to a montage of Dr. Schmekel cleaning constantly.  Evidently his vacuuming is not just limited to cock-blocking occasions.  Pussy tells us that Dr. Schmekel can do his laundry for him, now that his ma is stuck back in Joisy.  And… that was the most boring segment of the season thus far.  Congratulations any scene involving Kristen!

Time to pick players for the POV competition!  Matt draws Sniffles’s name, prompting the Brigade to display a range of reactions from stunned to angry to where are my Depends?  Sniffles comes up to join Matt and the nominees and HOLY SHIT Matt is one tiny little man.  I could fit him in my pocket.  He’s even smaller than the Sheriff — at least vertically.  Sheriff draws Lane, who immediately begins thinking of inappropriately sexual comments he can fill his limited camera time with, and Dr. Schmekel draws Boobs, much to everyone’s dismay but Sniffles.  So basically, this is the worst case scenario for the diabolical genius midget.  Nice work.

Stunned or trying to add 2 plus 2?

Up in HOH, Matt is back to whining that the Brigade “cannot catch a break!”  Of course he is.  First, it’s his own damn fault that he even needed to catch a break, and second, he needs to stop this sense of entitlement.  His alliance is sitting pretty dumb, undetected and with significant power only three weeks in.  Lane commiserates, and the guys decide that they have “no luck in this house.”  They’re been extremely lucky that no one else is willing to step up and actually play this game, no matter how poorly.  After several more minutes of revisionist history and self-pity, Lane eats Pop Rocks.  Fascinating.  I’m more interested in learning why he decided black socks, gym shorts and moobs make a good outfit than listening to his review of the green apple flavor.  In fact, I’d be more interested in learning a lot of things.  Especially what the casting people were thinking when picking these lameass houseguests this season.

Dr. Schmekel talks to Matt, and they agree that if Boobs or Sniffles wins, the winner won’t use the POV (because the replacement nominee will be whichever one of them didn’t win).  Dr. Schmekel correctly notes to us that Matt’s plan is blowing up in Dr. Schmekel’s face, but Matt reassures him that Sheriff Mascara would get evicted should the nominations stay the same.  If the HGs are smart — hahahaha — they will evict Dr. Schmekel because he’s not a completely useless slug during competitions and is somewhat of an actual threat.

“Unplugged the coffee pot, check.  Locked the occupied jail cells… hmm…”

We’re STILL waiting for the POV to start (this episode sucks more balls than Gaygan on a West Hollywood Saturday night, Julie!!!), so we join Matt, Pussy and Lane in HOH, making unfunny jokes about the various science-related possibilities for the POV competition.  They then turn their attention to Dr. Schmekel, seen praying on the spy screen — aka Kosher Cable.  Make that two funny comments for Pussy, but minus 5 points for both involving “kosher.”  Lane tells us that he didn’t know them Jews, theys wear the ninja outfits, and he likes that he be learning good bout the different cultures and stuff here in the BB house.   The only things you learn about cultures in the BB house are the various slurs for each one.

Now they’re sitting around the kitchen table, and Lane tells Sniffles and Matt of his plan to own a drive-through liquor store.  Uh, these already exist but nice try on playing the dumb hick card.  He steps up his game by then telling us that when you’re bored in Texas, you sometimes decide to shoot a turtle.  Local turtles should consider themselves lucky that I don’t have a gun right now.  You also drive around drunk in fields and shoot at anything with eyes.   And now we know what Flipit is up to when he spends time at home.

Whoa, Kristen, don’t be too interesting or, I don’t know, alive, all at once there.

It’s FINALLY time for the POV, and our host Pussy is dressed up like a poor man’s Zoltar.  They head outside, and we see that it’s the competition where the players have to count/guess the number of items and then stay or fold poker style on their guess.  Of those who stay, the person with the closest guess to the actual number of items gets a point and the person with the worst guess is eliminated.  First person to three points wins.  It’s a pretty mundane group of items, other than a huge jar of fish eyeballs.  Dr. Schmekel tells us that he stuck it (his hand) in, and he didn’t want to stick it in again.  I’m sure that feeling is mutual with all of his dates.

The first item is a plate of fortune cookies.  Sniffles, Dr. Schmekel, Sheriff, and Boobs fold, leaving Matt and Lane staying.  This of course is yet again the worst case scenario, as one will be eliminated in the first round.  And that person is Lane, with Matt getting the point.  Next is an altar of candles.  Sniffles and Sheriff Mascara fold, Dr. Schmekel gets the point, and Matt is eliminated.  Sucks to be you.

Better take those things out of the sun before their contents start to boil.

Next is the length of an optical illusion design on a turning wheel.  Sheriff tells us that it looks like a snake, and then recounts a horrifying story involving her running over a snake that then didn’t die but instead wrapped itself around her leg.  Granted, even half dead, this wasn’t too big of a feat for the snake given that Sheriff probably gave it hours of time while she was applying coats 7, 8 and 9 of mascara.  Poll — which do you feel more sorry for, Sheriff’s eyelashes or Boobs’ back?  I vote for the eyelashes because at least Boobs’ back gets a rest thanks to all the time she spends on it.  Hey-o!

Anyway, Dr. Schmekel and Boobs fold, Sniffles gets the point and Sheriff Mascara is eliminated.  We’re down to only three players now.  The fourth item is a house made of tarot cards.  Sniffles and Boobs fold, so Dr. Schmekel automatically gets his second point.  We come then to ounces of “magic potion”, which appears to be bubbling yellow paint.  Dr. Schmekel and Boobs both fold, and Sniffles then automatically gets his second point.  Next is the nasty fish eyeball jar.  All three decide to stay (I wonder if this was the last item and they were required to stay?), so if either Sniffles or Dr. Schmekel is the closest, he wins POV.  And Sniffles is the closest, and wins POV.  Ugh.  I need some drama up in this bitch, and I don’t see that happening unless and until either he or Boobs goes home.

Sniffles and Boobs are both super excited, but Sniffles manages to kill the teeny bit of like I still had for him (based solely on his charming personality impressive intelligence abs) by referring to him and Boobs as “Brenchel.”  So let me get this straight.  This fucktard not only named their relationship, Brangelina style, but he USES the name with a straight face???  Dead. To. Me.  Where’s Monet to punch someone in the face when you need her?

“Yaaay, omg, I won!  I’m, like, so excited!  Tonight Rachel and me are going to braid each other’s hair, do our nails and have an important discussion.  Brenchel needs to have a, like, united Team Jacob front and she totally needs to get that, you know?”

Needless to say, the Brigade is pissed and Lane is worried that Sniffles will clone himself.  Don’t worry, they’re still busy working on all those sheep you requested, pal.  Sniffles tells Boobs that they need to save Dr. Schmekel because he is the one person Sniffles knows is not going to put “Rachel or I up.”  AGGGH.  And then there’s straddling.  I’m about to enter the seventh circle of hell.

Up in HOH, Matt is back to singing the same old “woe is me” tune, but this time while wearing a stupid hat with his hand down his pants for extra fun.

Evidently Matt’s penis isn’t getting too much of a break, either.

Dr. Schmekel comes in to talk to Matt alone, and Matt further sinks in my estimation by saying that he wants to show that he’s trustworthy — by attempting to tie the votes so he can cast the tiebreaker in favor of Dr. Schmekel.  Okay, he is officially a dumbass.  If he’s so in favor of Dr. Schmekel staying, why not get a MAJORITY of the votes instead of unnecessarily arranging a tie and raising the possibility of someone flopping to Sheriff Mascara on Thursday night?  Seriously, my cat has better strategy when trying to decide which corner of the litter box to take a crap in.  Dr. Schmekel questions Matt’s strategy as HOH from day one, and Matt now claims that he always planned on backdooring Sniffles, and offers to campaign for Dr. Schmekel.  The foot guru wisely rejects Matt’s offer to fuck things up for him even further, saying that he can take care of himself.  With so much talk about Sheriff getting evicted during this ep, I’m worried that it’s going to be Dr. Schmekel leaving on Thursday.  I’d much rather see her go.

The night before the POV ceremony, Dr. Schmekel has a covert meeting with Sniffles, explaining that he wants to put on a “show” during the ceremony so that no one thinks they’re together, and so they can later unite to take down the “idiots.”  Obviously that means Matt, but I’m not sure who else is lumped in, although the term fairly applies to nearly everyone.  He asks that Sniffles keep their plotting a secret from Boobs, which is NOT going to end well when it eventually comes out.

Sniffles — who has gone with a fauxhawk today to up his douchy factor another few notches — pretends to consider using the veto, while Dr. Schmekel tells us that he has nothing to lose.  Except, you know, this game.  I would also add his self respect, but he’s already on BB so that ship sailed the day he entered the house.  Sniffles asks Sheriff to beg for the veto first, and she politely refuses to ask for it, noting that if he were to use it on her, Boobs would be at risk and she doesn’t want that.  Bullshit, but nicely played given there was no chance in hell she was getting it.  Sniffles asks Dr. Schmekel to make his plea, and the show begins.  Basically, Dr. Schmekel unconvincingly announces that he’s going after Booffles (I can make up portmanteaux, too, dickwad), and then abruptly asks that Sniffles use the veto on him.  In the words of Britney — who has been WAY too quiet tonight — what?!  I sorta get announcing that he’s coming after Booffles as a heavy-handed attempt to hide his alliance with Sniffles, but then to ask for the veto in the same breath just makes him look insane.  By the end, Dr. Schmekel and Sniffles are confident it will help with the vote, Sheriff Mascara thinks it will help HER with the vote, and Matt claims that everyone saw through it and it’s clear that he is actually aligned with Booffles.  I’m thinking B and C are the real result.  Oh well.

There are 3-4 days between the ceremony and eviction night, so a lot could still change.  Who do you want to see go home?  Did you think Matt’s plan made sense, or did he totally screw up his HOH?  Was anyone else bored by this episode?  Here’s hoping we get some drama, and soon!