Big Brother: Boobs Reduction

Welcome to Eviction Night on Big Brother! Our lovely Chenbot opens the show in a sporty dress, chola hair, and rabbit teeth. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with Cheniqua’s crossed wires this season, but I’m loving it. She’s been a mess for every show.

Chola rabbit bots are all fun and games until they’ve turned against us and enslaved humanity.

She tells us that since day one, the Vets have run the game, proven that seeing your unintelligible hick ass on tv doesn’t mean you’ll learn your lesson and study the English language before coming back, and generally made us want to throw up.

But tonight, one of them will get their Neanderthal asses kicked out of the house for kinda maybe good. I say kinda maybe because dumbshit CBS accidentally posted a poll on their website this week asking which player we wanted brought back into the house. I got all excited until I realized that Renny wasn’t an option.

I had a dreeeeem! I dreamed it for you, babay!

Brendon was an option though!! Fuck. ME. Wait. How was Brendon an option when he wasn’t even kicked out yet? Fishy! I love that CBS even fucks up their mistakes.

Thanks for screencapping stuff on CBS.com just in case you might ever need it, hamsterwatch! Ya gotta have a hobby, and yours just happened to RUIN MY NIGHT.

I’m typing too much. I bought this new green tea to drink instead of diet cokes and I feel like a crack head. A fat crack head. Do those exist? To sum up, this is where we are so far.

Chola rabbit bots are all fun and games til they’re robbing K-Marts and shanking cheerleaders on the school bus.

I love recapping Thurs episodes because I get boners when I see the Luby’s crowd in the audience. This week though, the people are all kinda hot. I guess as the season goes on, the audiences get prettier. And way gayer. YAY!

Week 1

Tonight

Season finale

Chivalry isn’t dead you guys!! Chenzalez just told me so! Brendon used the POV on his toilet lid toothed hooker, which I guess makes him a gentleman. I thought he became a gentleman when his internet jerk off video to a fan was posted. You’re really raising the bar on qualifications for gentlemanhood, BB.

Brendon’s high fiving people in the living room like he’s just won the game while Jordan pouts like the little kid in Jerry McGuire did when he wanted Tom Cruise to be his dad.

Did you know that the human brain weighs ten o’clock?

Blue remember last night? screen, and the image I think should be put on the next American Penny.

Ebluribus Everyonhaaatesmeeee!

Brendon tells us that he doesn’t regret using the POV on Boobs because that’s what relationships are about: finding time to be alone where you can get it. He’ll have lots of time to Skype with the whiny hooker crying and squealing in the BB house. Dicklet knows Brendon will be out, and Jeff is pretty sure too. But he still needs to “make sure dat Jordan’s safety is good”. If I was friends with Jeff, his nickname would be [sic].

Jordan is pretty confident she’s staying, too, but she hopes that if people decide to vote her out, they’ll tell her first because she bought a new eviction dress and she’ll be pissed if she doesn’t get to wear it. LOL. Guess what Boobs is doing right now.

If you guessed “farming new stress zits and showing off the shadow mustache her giant fake teeth give her upper lip”, then you guessed correctly, America!

She wahs about how hard this all is, and sobs “we’re like, the most dynamic duo!” If either of these bozos actually does ever earn a PHD, the country just needs to shutter the entire education system and let future generations grunt and throw poo at each other cuz a hope of a smarter tomorrow will officially be dead. Volvo shows solidarity by making her waddle bigger than Boob’s.

I wish there was something I could say, but words are like, gross.

Brendon and Boobs go into the padded cell to declare their love for each other, which actually makes a lot of sense. She whines and ugly cries, he whispers about how in love he is with her brain. You know what I’m in love with? The FF button.

Jeff, Jordon and Shelley meet up in the hallway to try and figure out wtf Brendon’s POV show was about. No one gets it. Jeff just doesn’t wanna be stuck in the house without a man as a buffer between him and Boobs. He says she’s gonna cry and moan and every piece of fruit she picks up will remind her of her man. LOL. Jeff can say homophobic shit on the live feeds all he wants to as long as he makes me laugh. And takes off his shirt. And makes out with me. In Hogwarts.

Dani and Kalia are up in the HOH planning their strategy. Kalia’s strategy? “I hope things continue to go this way.” LOL. LaWrong’s strategy?

To get as black the character he puts on in the diary room so he can officially be declared our generation’s Al Jolson.

Meanwhile, Brendon loves Boobs in his creepily controlling way.

You need to win so we can get this thing properly shaved, babe.

Brendon needs four votes to stay in the house, and he’s pretty confident he can get Shelley, Volvo and Adam to join Boobs. It’s a scary day for anyone that has to put their trust in this lineup.

Good luck!

They start calling the dodos into their office. Porsche won’t take any convincing. VIP cocktail waitresses stick together. They confirm that her vote is with them anyway, and Boobs refers to the Wicked Witch of the HOH. HA. I love that, because I always rooted for the wicked witch in every story. Snow White was a palid slut with a midget fetish, Sleeping Beauty was a lazy rich kid, and Dorothy murdered someone with a house and stole the shoes right off her feet. Fuck all y’all!

Murderer!

They tell Adam that they’ll keep Adam safe all summer long. He seems to buy it about as much as we do. Boobs goes on about what a mean witch Dicklet is and he interrupts her. He’s scared that Jeff will beat him up if he votes Jordon out and Brendon snaps “don’t you think Boobs will come after you if you vote me out?” Yeah, but everyone’s scared of Boobs no matter what side she’s on so that argument doesn’t work. She’s either yelling at you or crying hooker snot all over your shoulder. There’s no winning situation to be in with that one. Unless you’re missing a lid on your toilet and you have a sturdy wrench handy and someone to hold her down.

Shelley comes in to reassure them that she’s with them, but she tells us that she’s been playing both sides and needs to decide what’s best for herself. Might I suggest sun block? Clothespins at the top of your scalp to make you look less Sharpei-ish? Letting some of the putty out of your lips? Just trying to help.

Adam won’t give a firm answer. Instead, he makes a North Pole joke. Brendon, Rachel, Shelley, and America are silent. He needs to be used in an anti smoking campaign. No one’s scared of the old lady with the hole in her throat any more.

Smoking will give you four ears, poor grooming, and a hairy back.

Later, Dicklet tries to see where Adam’s at, and he says flat out that he’ll listen to both sides but he’ll make his own decisions. LOL. Even his social game sucks ass. You’re not gonna win any competitions unless they involve swallowing the most hot dogs, so you better pick a side pretty soon there, buddy. Boobs is gonna be throwing life vests at you any second.

Up in the HOH room, Dicklet and T Rex and the City play a game of Ugly Betty. Dicklet has better glasses, but Kalia still wins that one.

She finishes off every morsel of the HOH basket and leaves so Dicklet can try to convince Volvo to vote out Brendon. I wish she’d spend her time more constructively and try to convince Volvo to either wear pants or stop eating Frito’s all day.

Volvo says she’s gonna give Brendon her pity vote, and Dicklet tries to convince her that Boobs will try to sell their first child to win this thing. The only person who would buy that mutant is Science, and he has no vote in this game. Then Boobs comes in with a casual heeeey and a clearance sign rack on her womb. They all sit there silently, then Dicklet fake n’ bakes an offer to stay and talk girl talk. Boobs says no cuz she wants to go make heterosexuals all across America rethink their lifestyle choice by sliming all over Brendon some more. Well that was fun, great to see ya!

Dicklet’s like wtf? Volvo says it was an honest mistake. Boobs just keeps forgetting this isn’t her room. HAHAH. Boobs is super pissed that Volvo is her only friend and she’s cavorting with Dicklet. “Why doesn’t she just take a knife right now and gut me?” Because Volvo is too stupid to do anything that would actually make us root for her.

Wait. Did I speak too soon?!? I did! The next scene is of Volvo going outside to try and gently explain to Boobs that whining and throwing temper tantrums and acting like a looney toon is only turning everyone against her and she needs to buck up. Brendon, with his super misogynistic spidey ears, hears a woman talking sense and won’t have it. He tells her to knock it off, and she calmly says she’s just trying to help Boobs. Then Boobs gets up, throws a temper tantrum and stalks off, yelling that everyone hates her and she’ll be left all alone just like last summer and she might as well just “self evicted or evicteded or evicting or whatever.” It’s called “self destruct”, and you’re already doing it. Brendon swings a bag of oranges at Volvo’s face so she can’t bruise and call the police, tells her her story better be that she fell down the stairs like the clumsy bimbo she is, and goes to console his weeping hooker.

And the huge twist: I now like Volvo.

Brendon tries to console Boobs, but she’s a blithering mess. Still in full on tantrum mode, she complains that everyone in this game only thinks about themselves and everyone hates her and when she leaves the house everyone in America is gonna hate her even more and “Now I’ll never get a jooooob!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! breath. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHOW! There are way more detestable people with jobs. Like….um….meter maids. There ya go! You’ll feel right at home. You can spend the rest of your life walking up to meters that mock you by flashing FAILED in your face.

FAILED

Brendon, like a patient dad, asks her if he did the right thing by leaving her on the block. She shouts no and says he should have let her get evicted cuz she ruins everything. Well, honey, you’re sure as shit making my night better. I know it probably doesn’t mean anything to you and you’ll never read this, but THANK YOU. Thank you for being the gift that you are.

When I wipe the tears off my face and press play again, the scene is still going. She cries “I’m not even that smaaart! Brendon, you can’t marry me! I’m crazy!” Why the fuck do you think he’s marrying you? Guys like that look for psychos on purpose cuz they’re easier to manipulate. Without men like Brendon I would have no love life.

Brendon tells her she’s not crazy, “I’m crazy bout you, baby!” God I hate him. He continues that if she’s not liking this then she can leave with him tomorrow night. If at first you don’t succeed, QUIT! That’s some inspiring shit right there. It’s what all the Real Americans are doing these days.

Can’t be defeated if you don’t stay in the boxing ring.

Now Brendon’s sobbing. I’ve had enough. FF. Back to the Live show. Chentinez asks Adam if his “heavy metal friends” will ever let him live down the elf costume. The guy’s intro was drinking Appletini’s. I think he’ll live. Adam answers with an elf dance. No one laughs. Poor, sad Adam.

Chenvarez asks Boobs what it’s like to have Brendon save her. It’s like having her own personal Jesus, except she has to give him blow jobs and stuff. Jeff is asked how he feels about the possibility of Jordan going home. He and the audience laugh and laugh and laugh and then he points at Boob’s stupid face and asks if Chendez even watches the show.

Oh no. DICK! Clip of Brendon and Shelley dissing Dicklet’s game play. Shelley laughs that if her dad had stayed, things would have been different. Yeah and you best be glad he left or you’d have been told your face looks like a tired hedgehog’s and then you’d have had your butt all covered in cig burn marks. Dick comes onto my TV and my dog shits on the floor. I don’t know if those two things are related. Or which I’d rather look at.

If only you could be cleaned up and disposed of with a simple plastic bag.

Dick says that Dicklet’s gameplay sucks. LOL. Not wrong, but damn. No wonder she hates you. No wonder I hate you. He goes on to boast how they were the best alliance in Big Brother history, then we see clips of him saying they’re the best players in history, and then more clips of them hugging and being sweet. No clips of him terrorizing women for fun or burning strippers or being a horrible waste of life.

Thankfully, we don’t have to rely on CBS’ lies tonight. The only thing Dick needs to prove what an asshole he is is himself. He says that Dicklet has been trying so hard to get out of his awesome shadow. N word please! She wouldn’t have to try so much if you’d stop hovering. You’re shadow is like Pig Pen’s. A could of dirt that never leaves. Besides, your ass isn’t on this show and you’re only being interviewed because your daughter is. So get out of her bony ass shadow.

If only

He disses her showmance redo. He’s so right about that, but he’s still nasty. He says that she was in the best position in the house and screwed it up. He’s right about that too, but still gross. Shots of him booing her while she’s on TV. LOL! So right, and still so, so wrong. He just goes against nature. Who shows up at their kid’s soccer game and boos them off the field? Wait. My mom did that once. But it was her friend Franzia’s fault. Point is, Dick is nasty. Every time he’s on my TV I get the look Jordan has on her face right now.

CholaChen talks to Dicklet in the HOH room. Why did she fuck up her game? Well, she did it too soon but she only regrets sending Dumbinic back to his mom’s basement. Basements are cold, and fauxhawks need sun to stay douchey. Does she think her dad is supportive? Of course! He’s totally rooting for her!

Fuckin idiot! I wish I could go back in time and not pay your child support all over again!

Chentiago asks if Dicklet is worried about Boobs, and Dicklet says Boobs is a mess and will always be a mess and is acting like Dicklet is breaking up a marriage. HAHAH. Enough of this. Let’s vote! Brendon cries, thanks his family, forgives them for not teaching him how to talk, and says it’s been an “amazing of experience.” He calls Boobs his BB wife. There’s not a shot of Dicklet laughing her ass off, but there should be. He says to have Boobs is “honoring.” Then he cries and double dips.

Shots of Boob’s haggard, trying to sob but can’t face.

Jordan is all cute and sweet and stuff. She says she just came to spend time with Jeff and she loves everyone. How can she be so loving and non-obnoxious at the same time? I’ve never seen that on this show. Jeff votes against Brendon, and Boobs faux sobs out Jordan as someone in the audience cracks up. LOL audience! Sex and Sag Titty votes out Brendon, Adam follows suit. Volvo sticks to the stripper line and votes against Jordan. LaWrong votes against fashion, and Shelley votes out Brendon. I vote for Shelley to stop shooting kisses at her kid with a double barrel gun out of her fish lips. It’s violent and creepy.

When Brendon is told he’s out, Boobs snots and squeals all over him. HAHAYAAAAAYYYY! Later, ape! Hope you don’t run into any intelligent women on your way home. I’d hate for your head to explode before Boobs gets to have her dream wedding. Boobs isn’t even crying. Faker!

Don’t bother getting dressed up for Julie, Bren. I suppose he wants to go out by reminding us that he’s studying for his PHD. Guys who are saving up for a Maserati don’t brag about how they’re saving up for a Maserati. They take the bus. Please earn your PHD before you throw that shit in people’s face. I study culture. It doesn’t make me yogurt.

He fake cries and says he loves Boobs. Did he save her because he loved her or does he think that she’s better at the game than him? Love. She would have been voted out for sure cuz everyone hates her and he had a fighting chance to stay. I love that even he thinks everyone only hates her. He’s as hatable if not more, no? He says Dicklet made a mistake and there’s no way she’ll win. Well she beat your stupid ass so there’s that.

Kalia is the first goodbye video, and it’s awesome. She laughs in his face, calls him arrogant and says that there are a lot of things easier than rocket science: voting him out was one. HAHAHAHHA. Wow. So now I like her too? This episode is messing with my head. His face is priceless.

All I hear is womandywomanwomanwomandy

Jordan says she wants an invite to the wedding, and she’ll get him a good gift with Jeff’s $10,000. Then she does a hilarious Boobs impression. I. Love. Her. Dicklet tells him he took her ally away so she took his and maybe he should have spent less time with his tongue down Boobs’ throat. HA. This is a good eviction.

Boobs fake cries while Wind Beneath My Wings plays backwards, and says that their kids will watch their love story on DVD. Then they can hate you too. That Boobs. Always thinkin’.

The HGs are brought back to the living room, and CholaChen announces the big twist: the next HG evicted will have a chance to get back in the game! Preacher Peen, Cassi, Dumbinic and Brendon are being kept in isolation until America votes which one gets to come back. CASSI!! It’s the only way Boobs will sob and act like more of an idiot than she already has. GO CASSI! Plus, I miss her Forest Gump ways.

The HOH game is a quiz. Kalia eliminates Jordan immediately without even hearing the question. Boobs does the same thing and gets out LaWrong. He looks like someone in a department store just tried to explain to him what a color wheel is.

Kalia gets another point and eliminates Adam. Shocker! At least he’s consistently useless. Boobs is eliminated first, but not until she gets in troub with the bot for dropping a bad word. Heeee. Kalia knocks out Shelley, and then Kalia wins! T Rex and the City is the new HOH!!! Dicklet survives another week, so I’m happy. And Kalia will have more scenes now! Who cares? Boobs will cry more! YAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!

Kalia sobs like she won an Oscar. She deserved that one, she kicked ass. It felt odd writing a genuine compliment. Sorry I will try not to let that happen again. Next week, America’s voted back HG will battle it out with the new evictee to get back in. I’m hoping it’s a blowtorch fight. Until then, we have this to give us sweet dreams.

It’s like The Ring. But scarier.