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TWO RECAPS IN A ROW, BITCHES! Back to where we left off, at the endurance competition. Daniele knows that if she loses, she’s going home this week. “I outplayed myself and my plan sent Dominic out the door, so I feel pretty horrible,” she tells us. Kalia also felt bad voting for him, but felt that she had to because she’s “public enemy number two” and didn’t want to rock the boat anymore.
Meanwhile, Lawon is struggling on his perch: “THIS BOY RIGHT HERE LAWON? I AIN’T NEVER SKIED BEFORE!” That’s racist, right? There’s a stereotype about that?
“I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SKI! THAT’S A THING, RIGHT? WOO!”
At nine minutes in, Adam’s the first one to jump off. You’re remember that the first five people off of their perch have to pick a snowball, that may contain a reward or a punishment. Adam’s snowball says that he has to wear an elf costume all week. I guess if you had to dress one of these people up like an elf, it’d be him. Do you guys think that they have, like, a sexy elf costume stashed somewhere in case a girl pulls the card? Or is it, like, one size fits all?
Lawon’s off next, and his snowball makes him a Have Not for a week. Rachel keeps cheering for Brendon and annoying everyone, not that I had to tell you that.
The cheers aren’t helping though; Brendon says he can’t stay up for much longer and jumps off at the thirty-five minute mark. Rachel is very fakely supportive of him, but you can tell she’s upset. Brendon’s snowball also makes him a have not for the week. You think Rachel sleeps in there with him? Is that even allowed? I bet they have gross sex two feet from Lawon.
Jeff checks in on Jordan, and when she tells him she’s feeling good, he jumps and takes the fifty-fifty chance at winning the ten grand, since there are only two snowballs left and one of them has the money. Jeff ends up winning the money, which I’m sure will piss off the surprising amount of Jeff haters out there.
So, to review: Shelly, Porche, Jordan, Kalia and Daniele are left. Jordan’s arms start to hurt, and she’s the next one off. Jordan gets the last snowball, which also makes her a Have Not. Daniele and Kalia roll their eyes, agreeing that the vets are trying to give the HOH competition to Porsche and Shelly so that they can all compete next week. Kalia’s hair is looking pretty rough at this point from the snow, by the way.
They competed on low rent reality shows on Sex In The City all the time, right?
The people who have fallen start cheering for Porsche and Shelly and ignoring Daniele and Kalia, which they immediately notice. Daniele ironically tells Kalia that she’s doing a great job, because Daniele says everything ironically these days. Black haired Daniele is a total hipster.
Porsche’s the next one out at an hour and fifteen minutes in. Now all Daniele and Kalia need is for Shelly to fall off, and she’s good. Brendon, being a huge dick: “This competition is more suited for Kalia, because it requires minimal movement and her muffin top supports her.” By those rules, wouldn’t Adam have been able to stay up for a long time too? I can’t figure out which one of Brendon and Rachel I dislike more. Whenever I think one has it locked up, the other turns their asshole dial up a few notches. (Note to self: “Asshole Dial” a great name for my next band.)
“Brendon and Rachel are saying their goodbyes right now,” Daniele mutters, pleased. As am I, Daniele. As am I.
Rachel starts obnoxiously cheering for Shelly, yelling her kids’ names to motivate her, which is super gross an manipulative. I mean, you think Rachel really gives a shit about Shelly’s kids, or Shelly for that matter?
“Do it for Shelly Jr.! And Joey, uh…Joe Joe Shabadoo!”
This prompts Kalia to ask Shelly if she’s aligned with the veterans, and Shelly gets all short with her, all “No, they just want me to see my kids,” which is ridiculous. I mean, at this point just cop to it. The line’s been drawn, there’s no point in trying to hide it. Shelly is my pick for Person Who Makes The Jury And Asks The Most Surprisingly Ugly Question That Is Actually A Self Righteous Speech.
Daniele, to Kalia, just as Rachel has finished telling us in the Diary Room how good she would have been at this competition: “Rachel’s probably over there telling everyone how she would have been awesome at this competition. But you can’t play, so you can suuuuuuuuck it!” I’ll be taking orders for Team Daniele shirts next week, everyone. Email your size to Flipit!
Shelly starts to fall and Kalia tells her to hang in there, triggering Daniele to tells her to shut up. What, Kalia can’t be supportive? No need to be shitty when there’s still a chance to align with someone. To pay Kalia back for her kindness, Shelly falls and immediately calls them both “classless”. Nice, Shelly. Your stock has been dropping rapidly these past few weeks. Keep pushing.
Daniele tells Kalia that she’d really like to win; I know a part of her wants to use it to try and make some new alliances, but strategically I really think she should throw it and give it to Kalia so she can a) play next week and b) stay downstairs in gen pop and make friends with people again.
Rachel immediately starts freaking out, because she knows she’s in trouble, and Daniele is totally loving it. Kalia knows that she’s safe for the week and jumps off soon after, giving Daniele the HOH victory. Rachel looks totally pissed and it’s AWESOME.
Aaaaand this is now my screensaver.
Rachel continues to silently freak the fuck out in the kitchen, and it is totally rad. When Kalia tries to walk up to Rachel and squash their beef, Rachel overreacts, calls her crazy, and storms off. “I’ve never done anything to you, Kalia!” Rachel says. Yeah, besides lecture her in front of everyone about choosing her friends, allow your boyfriend to call her fat on national tv (and I’m sure on the live feeds), and be generally bitchy for no real reason. Kalia responds by saying what we’re all thinking, which is that when Rachel’s not HOH, she throws a total pity party for herself and spends all day crying and whining.
Rachel and Brendon retreat to the purple room to feel sorry for themselves. What, are there no fake bushes available?
“I’m upset, and I have no set dressing to cry in!”
Rachel calls Kalia a floater, of course. “Kalia whines and makes alliances with everyone in the house at every possible second,” Rachel says. Isn’t that pretty much what you and the other vets did with the newbies, Rachel? Like, over half of them think they’re aligned with you. That’s pretty float-y, by your definition, not that you even have one for that word, which you throw around more than other words you use a lot, like “the”, “me” and “hair extensions”.
Meanwhile, Jordan is in the back bedroom crying, and Daniele grabs her to let her know that she’s not going after her and Jeff this week. Jordan heads to the Have Not room (her new bedroom) to tell Jeff what Daniele just said. Jeff tries to give Jordan a pep talk, telling her that he likes being the underdog and that they’ll get through the week intact. Brendon and Rachel walk in to expand their pity party, and Jeff’s all “From the penthouse to the outhouse!” which I’m 90 percent sure is a line from The Jeffersons, because Jeff’s 1970′s pop culture references are my new favorite thing. They try and make themselves feel better about this week by telling themselves that Daniele’s going home next week no matter what. The odds are good, but if she plays it right this week, she could be in good shape, no?
Time to see Daniele’s HOH room. There are a bunch of old photos of her, and we also see her grandma, the woman who may or may not have birthed Evel Dick. I’m betting that he sprang fully formed from a trash dump somewhere, like a Garbage Pail Kid.
Daniele lets Lawon put on the HOH robe, which makes him super excited.
“I’M A BOXER! I’M ROCKY! YO, ADRIAN! WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF ROBE? WHO PUT THIS ON ME? WHERE DID IT COME FROM? HEAVEN? MAGIC? A GHOST?”
Rachel bitches about how she has to pretend to be excited to see Daniele’s HOH room. “People are usually super excited to see the HOH rooms, but this time they aren’t,” Rachel says. Uh, no they’re not, Rachel. People are never excited to see the HOH rooms. Coincidentally, Rachel’s been HOH twice now, so you can see where she would think that people are always super interested, since it means paying attention to Rachel, which is her favorite thing.
And now, the parade of filler segments begins:
Let’s get to know Lawon! Shelly asks Lawon if he has a type. Lawon says he’s dated all types, and he just looks into their heart. Lawon (in a normal speaking voice) says his whole family is cool with him being gay, and it’s just something that they don’t talk about. He tells a story about how he told his grandmother he was gay right before he went to college. If you can believe it, his grandmother was totally unsurprised and already knew. I know, right? He conceals it so well!
Up in the HOH room, Jeff and Jordan to talk to Daniele. She tells them that trying to get Jeff out was never a personal thing, but a total game move, and one she no longer needs to make. Daniele has a proposal for them: She won’t go after them for the week if they agree not to go after her next week. Jeff tells her yes, and tells her that he doesn’t need to know anymore about her plans for the week, so he doesn’t have to throw anyone under the bus. This is great news for me, because it means that Daniele’s going after Brendon and Rachel! Is it too much to hope that one of them be eliminated before the jury? Being rid of one of them for the rest of the summer would be awesome.
At this point, President Obama interrupts my broadcast to tell everyone that he’s reached an agreement with the Republicans about the debt ceiling, which I’m sure the Big Brother audience was super concerned and knowledgeable about. What percentage of the Big Brother audience do you think even knew what he was talking about? I’d put money down that it’s in the single digits.
Filler segment number two: Time for Adam to put on his elf costume for the week. It comes with included ears, for those of you with Lord of the Rings fetishes:
Red Velour: Not His Thing
We get a montage of Adam cursing and chain smoking in his elf costume, which is pretty great in a Bad Santa sort of way.
“What is it with your family and sandwiches, kid?”
There’s a moronic talking head where Lawon calls himself “handsomified” and then calls Adam “elfified” that we’re going to totally ignore, because it’s possibly the dumbest thing that’s ever been uttered on this show.
For frame of reference, this is less stupid than Lawon.
Filler Segment Number Three, and my personal favorite: Jeff and Jordan try to have a conversation in the backyard about surviving the week, but Porsche and Rachel keep interrupting it by running directly between them. On the third go round, Rachel trips over the deck and falls right on her face and into Jeff.
SOMEONE GIF THIS, NOW
I’m telling you now, I’d watch an hour of nothing but Rachel falling on her face. I’d watch three episodes a week of Rachel falling on her face, especially if one was a live show hosted by Julie Chen.
Filler Segment Number Four: the Have-Nots have been given seaweed and sardines for the week. Everyone seems to be suitably horrified, because this is pretty gross. Adam eats the sardine like a polar bear.
There are Christmas Elves in Africa who are starving, dick.
Brendon and Rachel head upstairs to try and talk Daniele out of nominating them. Brendon starts by apologizing for losing his temper, then starts whining about how Daniele hurt his feelings. Again: Brendon and Rachel were entertaining the idea of putting up Jeff, no? Dude has no reason to have his feelings hurt. Like, not even a small reason. Then it’s Rachel’s turn to try and make a half-assed apology, and it takes Daniele about two seconds to realize that these people are totally gross and lying to her to save their own asses, and it is great.
I didn’t mean to grab her arm blur, but it’s also strangely appropriate.
Rachel tells Daniele that they should recommit to their alliance together, which I’m sure Rachel totally would have proposed if Daniele hadn’t won, right? They ask Daniele if she’s even open to making any deals this week. Her response: “I’m not making deals with anybody, but I’m open to hearing what people have to say.” Translation: “Not with you two, I’m not.”
Brendon, “Well, I forgive you for last week, and that’s all we have to say.” Whew, that must be a relief for her that Brendon forgives her! I bet she was having trouble sleeping at night, thinking about how Brendon hadn’t forgiven her yet.
Time for Daniele to make her nominations. Jeff expects that he’ll be put up on the block. Brendon says that if Daniele is smart, she’ll know that whomever’s left is gonna come after her. When the nomination box comes out, Adam’s key is first (“I figure it’s best if you didn’t soil your elf suit,” Daniele says), then Kalia, Shelly, Lawon, Jordan, Porsche and Jeff, whose key is last. Brendon and Rachel are nominated for eviction (!). She says that last week she tried to make a big game move and that she trusted them and they broke that trust, so now she’s going to make another one. Brendon says that he’s going to win the Veto and take Rachel off the block. Daniele says it doesn’t matter who wins the Veto, because whomever doesn’t is going home. God, one can only hope.
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