Big Brother: Brendon’s LAMEnt

We pick up right where we left off, with Brendon throwing himself around the HOH competition like a retarded donkey.

THAT looks dangerous.

His legs are flailing in the air, he’s taking dives into the ground face first; it’s not a good look.  We get it, you miss Rachel.  Calm down.  “All these people just sent home the love of my life, and that pushes me even harder,” he says.  I can’t wait until they break up one month from the finale.  Most annoying couple ever.  This must be how people that watch The Bachelor feel.

The competition continues as Brendon extends his lead, pausing every once in a while to shout about how this is for Rachel.  He’s untying these ropes as a symbol of their everlasting romance, y’all.  The backwoods farm music is a metaphor for the honest, American love he shares.  “I actually expected it to be a 6-0 vote for me to be evicted,” Brendon says, clearly delusional.

“Better be camera ready.  Has anyone seen my purple V-neck?”

We flashback to Rachel leaving the house, hugging him and crying and telling him to win before walking out the front door.  Enzo tries to comfort Brendon and he loses his shit a little, talking some more of his lame shit about how he’s going to win the HOH competition.  Everyone scatters because they’re all tired of listening to him, giving Lane an opportunity to read some cue cards in the Diary Room about how people are hiding behind him.  “It’s personal now, you guys!” Brendon says, heading into the backyard.  It wasn’t personal before when Rachel was evicting people for getting between her and her man?

We’re back in the midst of the competition.  “We got mud, ropes, hay.  This is a typical Saturday night for me!”  Wait, he spends his Saturday nights untangling ropes while feathers fly all over the place?  That’s strange.  Man, Friday Night Lights has really misled me about what goes on in Texas.

Shockingly, Kathy is having difficulty with the challenge and is well behind everyone else.  It’s almost comical how bad she is.

“Ah forgot how untie stuff.  Sumone show ma?”

Brendon, however, is well ahead of the pack.  He’s far enough in front that he can stop every ten seconds to shout Rachel’s name to the heavens and yap about badly he wants to win.  “No one wants this like I want it,” he murmurs, out of breath.  God, what a drama queen he is.  Just shut up and untangle, Jesus.  I’m sure he thinks that everyone at home is rooting for him, the douche.

Meanwhile, Enzo trails most of the other houseguests (except Kathy, of course).  It turns out that he’s not trying too hard for a reason: he and Hayden went to Brendon and Rachel before the eviction to negotiate their safety and make an arrangement to get Britney or Ragan out.  Enzo and Hayden have noticed that Matt and Lane have made side alliances and they would like to get rid of those so that they stay loyal to The Brigade.  When Enzo and Hayden tell Brendon and Rachel about their desire to evict Ragan/Britney, the lovebirds just nod calmly and agree, since they need an alliance badly.  They should be asking themselves why these particular people want this particular thing, but instead they just shake their heads like dummies and go back to making out or crying or pouting or whatever it is they do to fill time.

Fully clothed sex?

Back to the competition.  Lane is impressed with Brendon’s desire to win.  “I think when Rachel left, she stabbed him with a syringe of rabies.”  Not that Lane’s a doctor or anything, but Rachel would have given Brendan rabies by biting him, not by injecting him with it.  I’m sure she has a rabid racoon nesting in her extensions anyway, so Rachel having rabies isn’t exactly out of the question.

It would explain a lot, actually.

The Music of Idiocy plays while we watch Enzo and Kathy suck at the challenge some more.  “This is too complicated for my mind!” Kathy says, dumbfounded.  Here are a list of things that are also too complicated for Kathy:

• Putting on makeup
• Having a personality
• Swallowing
• Sheriffing
• Starting a car
• Opening a refrigerator
• Chewing
• Eating
• Breathing
• Blinking
• Being interesting in any conceivable way

“ah furgot how to sleep.  Sumone teach ma?”

Matt points out what a mess everyone looks like, particularly Britney, which gives me an excuse to run this photo:

Right at the end, Lane supposedly starts to catch up to Brendon gets stuck, but I don’t see it.  Brendon completely untangles his rope and rings the bell, becoming the next HOH and making the producers wet themselves with glee.  He shouts out Rachel again, in case we had forgotten about her since he last mentioned her five seconds ago.  ”All we wanted to do was be happy and be in love, and these people messed with it, so they’re going to pay.”  If you wanted to be happy and in love, you could have done it outside of a game show where people get voted off.  Occasionally, in the world, people fall in love off camera.  That is an option.  Just saying.

Brendon gets to pick three Have Nots for the week, and he chooses Ragan Britney and Matt.  Ragan freaks out in the Diary Room, since this is the third time he’ll be a have not.  “The Big Brother karmic forces are taking their revenge on me,” he says.  Oh, cram it, Jameka. If there is such a thing as a “Big Brother karmic force”, I’ll cry myself to sleep tongiht.  This cannot exist in a world where Mike Boogie wins your show.

And now, the obligatory sequence in which Brendon is sad that Rachel’s not around to share in his victory.  He takes a very pensive shower to illustrate this.  He also could have, you know, knocked down more than three pins in the Veto competition last week, but I guess that did not occur to him.  So, instead: sad shower!

Wait until he finds out Rachel’s a dude.

The Brigade (plus Britney) commiserates about Brendan’s victory.  Enzo laments the fact that they kicked Rachel out instead of Brendon, since he thinks Rachel wouldn’t have won that competition.  I’m not so sure about that: Rachel’s pretty good at untangling things.  Have you seen her hair?

Matt’s all “Oh well, we’ll just kick him out next week when he can’t compete.”  You will see Matt shrug his shoulders and not worry about much in this episode, thanks to his Bedazzled Power of Veto.

Britney, on the other hand?  She is a mess, crying on Lane’s shoulder, then crying in the Have Not room with Ragan while Matt watches, amused.  Ragan, I shit you not, says the following: “I am honored to be in the Have Not Room with you guys for the reasons we’re here.”  Between this and the “Big Brother karma” comment, I am really growing to dislike Ragan.  He’s like a gay, smarter Amber in this episode.

“Dear Jesus, please make me a model.”

Time for Brendon to get his HOH room!  ”I’d rather fall down the spiral staircase and break my neck than see Brendon’s HOH room,” Britney says.  Her delivery is what makes really makes it.  We get baby pictures of Brendon, and a photo with him and Rachel, just to remind you that Rachel’s gone.  Did you know that Rachel’s gone and Brendon’s bitter about it?  Because Rachel?  She’s gone.  And Brendon’s a little bitter about it.  “Brendon has baby pictures!” Lane says.  ”This proves that he was not cloned and was not made in a scientific lab.”  I bet the producers had to sound out the word “scientific” for Lane when he read it off of the teleprompter for them.

“Enzo and Kathy make me sick, I don’t understand why they fall all over themselves for someone they don’t like,” Britney says of their fake enthusiasm for Brendon’s HOH room.  Brendon pulls his letter from home out, and Kathy is like “Letter! Letter! Letter!” clapping each time she says it like a mentally disabled baby seal.  She is just the worst and most boring person ever.  How the fuck did she get cast on this show?  Did she pull Alison Grodner over on the freeway and blackmail her with a DUI or something?

To their credit, Britney and Ragan don’t even pretend to care about any of this.

Until about a week ago, this is the face I made while watching this show.

And now, a wonderful montage of Lane and Britney making fun of each other.  They both mention that they have a brother/sister relationship and really enjoy each other’s company.  Apparently, having a “brother/sister relationship” involves being placed in a variety of chokeholds.

“My relationship with Britney is like raisin bran.  I’m the delicious raisin, and she’s the bran.  Wait, is that what’s in there?  The cereal stuff?  I don’t know.”  That may be the first thing Lane’s said in the diary room that he’s thought of himself.

Hayden and Enzo worry some more about Matt/Ragan and Lane/Britney, confirming again that they want to get someone’s side piece out soon.  Enzo heads up to the HOH room and try to convince Brendon to nominate them.  Brendon tells Enzo that he’s thinking of putting up Lane and Britney, noting that Lane has been skating by.  Enzo tries to get Brendon to shift positions and put up Ragan instead of Lane.  He will accomplish this by going “I don’t know, man, I just don’t know, I don’t know, I think Ragan.  I just don’t know.”  Best strategizing of the whole season, sadly.

“I don’t know, I just don’t know, I don’t know.”

Enzo scurries downstairs to tell Lane that he might be going up.  “I wanted to go to a bar, find the hottest girl there, and FIGHT HER BOYFRIEND!”  Oh, he’s one of those people.  What’d the boyfriend do, besides have a hot girlfriend?  That’s just trashy.

It’s time for Ragan to get his next Saboteur task.  Ashley C from Facebook thinks Ragan should make people think there is a ghost in the house.  Ashley C from Facebook is dumb as shit.  I really hate America sometimes, you guys.  Nathan from Facebook (you know, the one Nathan that’s on Facebook) wants Ragan to tell everyone that there’s a secret alliance.  Ragan likes this idea because it means he can sit on his ass, record a couple of messages, and make a quick 20 G’s.  Wait, that’s not what he said?

Sorry, he said he likes the idea because he can tie it back to Annie’s message about the “secret friendship” from Week 1.  Jump cut to a new Saboteur message; the fuzzy avenger tells the Houseguests that they haven’t evicted him yet, and that they’ve also been unsuccessful in evicting the secret friends.  “I’ll give you a hint: one is male and one is female,”  he finishes before disappearing.  Both Kathy and Britney (the only two girls left in the house) begin swearing up and down that they don’t know anyone else in the house.   “The Saboteur is gettin’ on ma nerves!” Kathy says annoyingly.  Oh, cram it, Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel.

“Sumone show ma how eat? No can chew.”

After the Houseguests receive their Have Not foods for the week of escargot and eggplant (hint: they think it’s gross), we’re in the backyard where Ragan and Matt are spooning on the hammock.  The consensus is that they have no idea what Brendon’s going to do because he’s not one for logic and reason.  Ragan promises Matt that he’s going to try and save them both by talking to Brendon about an alliance.  Matt tries to tell Ragan not to worry about him (due to the Diamond Veto), which confuses Ragan.  He heads upstairs to lobby Brendon, offering an alliance.  “No one would suspect it if we teamed up,” Ragan says while Brendon nods, dead inside.  “Ragan spit on the girl that I love when she was at her lowest point, and that’s a move I can’t forgive.”  Oh my God, this is almost worse than having Rachel in the house.

Next, Brendon grabs Britney from the backyard and takes her upstairs.  He asks her to tell him why she shouldn’t be put up; she tells him she’s absoultely dying to stay in the game and will do whatever she has to in order to stay.  “I have no intentions of keeping my word,” Britney says.  “Ultimately I’m competing for half a million dollars, and I have no intentions of letting Skankasaurus-Rex (?) get in the way of that for me.”  I’m not sure what “Skankasaurus Rex” means, but I love it.  And if Britney leaves, I’m going to cry, so I’m down for her to do whatever it takes.

I know, it hurts my brain to have to deal with them too.

Nomination time.  Enzo’s key comes out first, followed by Kathy’s, Hayden’s and Britney’s (yay!).  The last key is for Matt, leaving Ragan and Lane nominated for eviction.  Brendon doesn’t really explain himself, basically saying that everyone needs to fight.  How is this taking revenge for Rachel?  What did Lane do, besides emerge from the womb without a brain?  “I’m not surprised at Brendon’s nominations,” Ragan says.  “He is a coward, he’s fighting about someone that he’s known for a little more than a month.”  Word, Ragan.  And you haven’t even gotten to how annoying her voice is.