Big Brother: Bush League

Previously, on Big Brother: This.

After the nomination ceremony, Adam and Dominic are on the block.  Adam whispers to Dominic to “fight”, which is an admittance that he’s in bed with the veterans, I guess?  Seems stupid.  Jordan tells us that Dominic is the ringleader of the newbies, so he has to go.  Of course, Rachel would much rather Cassi go because she’s prettier than Rachel she’s the actual ringleader, not Dominic.

Dominic and Cassi commiserate together in the Have Not room.  They know that Adam has cut a deal with them, and Cassi really wants him to go upstairs and cut a better deal than Adam did.  Dominic’s like, “Why? What do I have to offer?” which is a good point, and also he’s probably waiting for the Veto competition before he sells his soul.  Adam comes in and pretends that he wants to get them both off the block, but neither of them buy it for a minute.  “Let’s not pull a Porsche and Keith; let’s stay classy,” Adam says.  One: I’m pretty sure the phrase “Pulling a Porsche and Keith” is code for calling in sick to work to spend your day at the free clinic, and Two: if you were worried about “staying classy”, you should probably give it a rest with the screaming.  And the bacon shirts.  And the chin piercing.  All of it, really.

Miss Manners

Adam heads up to Jordan’s HOH room, where it is established that he is to do everything he can to sabotage the Veto competition.  That’s the whole scene.  What? It’s Jordan and Adam.  You expect witty banter and some Scorsese quotes?

Downstairs, Porsche and Rachel get all catty about how they want Cassi out because she’s prettier than them she’s such a threat.  Rachel calls Cassi a floater, and I cannot tell you how fucking tired I am of that.  Isn’t a floater someone who just pretends to be aligned with whatever alliance is in power that week, switching back and forth whenever the need arises?  How has Cassi done that?  The same side has been in power the whole time, and therefore it is impossible to know who is a floater.  Shut your face hole, Rachel.

Daniele and Dom talk in the downstairs bedroom. Daniele lets him know that he’s the one on the chopping block, and thus had better watch himself.  Daniele tells us in confessional that she wants to keep Dominic in the game for now, so she’s going to do what she can do get someone else put up.  She immediately goes to Rachel and tells her that she also hates Cassi and wants her out.  Daniele, in the Diary Room: “I don’t hate Cassi, but if I see a bus?  I’m not afraid to give her a little push to make me the only person that is working with Dominic.”  Wow, is Daniele smart?  I…I’m not sure how to even deal with this.  I spent an entire summer calling her a terrible person, and Jeebus help me, I’m kind of loving her right now.  Maybe I just need sleep, who knows.

Rachel heads up to the HOH to push Jordan about nominating Cassi while Brendon nurses his knee wounds, which are either from the Have/Have Not competition or from (insert fellatio joke).

“I mean, how else were we going to get recast on the show?”

“Cassi just said ONE thing to Rachel about Porsche, and now Rachel’s blowing it way out of proportion.   It’s a little bit dramatic and almost ridiculous,” Jordan says.  There’s a tone to her voice here that reveals just how tired of Rachel Jordan really is.

Once Rachel’s left, Jordan tells Jeff that she likes Cassi, and that Cassi seems honest and genuine.  “We have no reason to put up Cassi.  She doesn’t like Rachel and Brendon, but she does like us,” Jordan says.  That’s a good point, but also applicable to everyone on Planet Earth, so: maybe not.

Now Cassi comes up to the HOH room to talk to Jordan.  Jordan tells her that people are throwing her under the bus, which isn’t surprising to Cassi at all.  Jordan tells her it’s because Cassi prettier than Rachel, and when freaking Jordan has successfully identified and singled out your personal insecurities?  That’s maybe a warning sign that it’s time to take a long hard look at your life choices up to this point.

Jordan, some more: “You know that saying, that it can be a curse sometimes to be pretty?”   No, Jordan.  No I do not know that saying.

“You know that saying of like, how dogs always land on their feet?”

Time to pick players for the Veto Competition.  Jeff/Jordan and Adam/Dom are playing, and the third couple, chosen by random draw, is freaking Brendon/Rachel, of course.  Grodner has clearly put four Brendon/Rachel buttons into that bag.  I wouldn’t put it past her.

Daniele will be hosting the competition, and she comes out of the Diary Room dressed like a club kid.

“Who wants to drop some E?”

The backyard has six balance beams set up, which makes it clear that the competition is going to be an individual one.  Dominic is visibly excited about this, since it means Adam can’t fuck it up for him.  This competition is literally a challenge to see who can walk and chew gum at the same time.  Since we are in the Big Brother house, success is questionable.

Basically, the players must walk across a balance beam while chewing gum, then stick the chewed gum up on a canvas to form the shape of a veto symbol.  The first person to chew enough gum to form the picture wins.  Oh, and one more thing: if you fall off the balance bean, you’re out, unless you want to take two weeks of slop, in which case you get another shot.  If you fall again though, that’s it for you.

A few minutes after the competition starts, Jordan, already well behind, falls off of the beam.  She starts to announce that she’s going to take the two weeks of slop to continue in the competition, and Jeff shouts from his post not to do it.  “You’ll be grumpy, and you have no chance at winning, so don’t take it for no reason!” he shouts.  He’s kind of pushy, but he has a point, and so Jordan exits the competition and takes a seat on the bench.

“You know that saying, of like, how quitters always come out on top?”

Of course, Rachel starts to mouth off about how if the HOH isn’t playing, then maybe she shouldn’t be either.  “Little shots like that get my blood boiling,” Jeff says, clearly pissed off as Rachel continues to nitpick Jordan for quitting.  Of course, Rachel falls off of her pedestal and takes the two weeks of slop immediately just to prove a point, despite the fact that she’s well behind Dom, Brendon and Jeff.  And then, in a beautiful bit of karma, Rachel falls of again almost immediately, knocking herself out permanently.  She heads to the bench, pouting the whole time.  You guys, she is the worst.  There’s no other way to put it.  She sucks.  I’m not saying she’s wrong about the fact that Jordan should compete, but a: Jeff has a point that she wasn’t going to win, so why bother, and more importantly b: she didn’t have to be such a bitch about it.  Cram it, Rachel.

Brendon starts to move double time once Rachel gets eliminated, knowing that he’s going to have to deal with her whiny ass if he loses, but Dominic is too far ahead for it to matter.  He finishes his, uh, gum painting or whatever and wins the veto for himself.  He is excited about this.

“I WON! AND I AM YELLING ABOUT IT!”

After the veto competition, Jeff very level-headedly and calmly tells Rachel that he did not appreciate her comments.  “Just do what you have to do, and keep your mouth SHUT,” Jeff says to her.  So great.  Rachel, so used to having Brendon legitimize her bullshit all the time, is completely unprepared to have someone tell her to tone her shit down, and thus completely loses it.  She starts bawling and then goes and hides in the fake plants in the backyard to cry. Man, that’s almost better than Allison hiding in the pot.

Of course, Brendon heads over to comfort her and attempt to get her to extradite herself from the shrubbery.  “He had no right to yell at me!” she says from the bushes.  Actually, he totally did.  You were being mouthy to your own teammate because you are the worst, and he called you out on it.  Part of Brendon’s speech to get Rachel to exit the bushes involves actually using the phrase “You complete me”.  I am not kidding about this.

Nothing in this photo is natural.

The best part is that he says “You complete me” to her without any irony or anything.  Their relationship is such that the phrase “you complete me” can be uttered and no one laughs or makes fun of the other for saying it.  I bet people are just dying to invite them over for dinner.

“Brendon’s gotta do whatever it takes to calm Rachel down,” Jeff says, “Pet her ego, stroke her red hair, bedazzle whatever she’s wearing, and get her in check.”  The gesture that accompanies “bedazzle whatever she’s wearing” is what really makes the whole thing:

This screencap belongs in every recap ever.

Man, Jeff is on fire this week.  Say whatever you want about Gay Dumbledore and whatnot, but man, that guy can be awesome sometimes.

“I don’t want to work with them anymore,” Rachel whines from the set dressing.  And then, the best part of the whole scene.  Man, I feel like every part of this sequence is the best part.  I feel like I’ve called like three different parts of this scene “the best”, but that’s because everything about this is incredible.  Anyway:

Brendon: “Honey, you need to keep your emotions in check.”

Rachel: “I am, that’s why I’m hiding in the bushes.”

You guys!  Rachel is being perfectly level-headed, which is why she immediately began crying, stormed off, and then hid amongst the plastic plants in the backyard.  You know, so no one would notice her.  The logic, it is flawless.

“I’m trying to keep my emotions in check, which is why I screamed a whole bunch and then punched a hole in the wall.“

Jeff and Jordan head up to the HoH room to get away from the bullshit.  “I just get pissed at the comments all the time,” Jeff says, “this is not the Rachel show.”  Well, Rachel thinks it is.  Duh.

“She’s bashing our players in the middle of the competition, wait until after,” Jeff continues, on fire.  “People didn’t like you last year because of you, so STOP DOING THAT.”  Yup, if Rachel could, you know, stop being Rachel, everyone would like her.  It’s genius!  Jeff has all the answers.

Meanwhile, Brendon is downstairs doing some admirable work manipulating Rachel into apologizing.  “No wonder America hates me,” she says.  Indeed, Rachel.  Indeed.  She finally comes upstairs and tells both Jeff and Jordan that she’s sorry, and that she was out of line.  “Jeff, we just can’t hate each other,” Rachel says to him.  Too late!  He already hates you!  “Man, she is nuts,” Jordan points out after they leave.  Yup!  Welcome to Rachel.

Later, Cassi and Shelly hang out with Jordan in the HOH room.  She tells them that she really doesn’t want to put them up, and Cassi brings up the idea of putting up Brendon and Rachel.  “What do you think they would do if they had the power?” Cassi asks her, causing Jordan to admit that they’d probably just do whatever they wanted.  Jordan worries that if they flip and nominate Brenchel, than it would be her, Jeff, Shelly and Cassi against the rest of the house.  That wouldn’t be the case, but keeping Rachel and Brendon in the house keeps the target off of Jeff and Jordan, which is reason enough to keep them despite the fact that they’re both batshit insane.

Also, we get to look at Cassi.  This is fine with me.

Dominic emerges from the Diary Room and does the Veto Walk of Shame.  Dominic uses the veto on himself and Adam.  He mutters something to Adam about getting his “Big Booty” out of the nomination chair, which I think is a dig at Rachel because of that game they play.  Nevertheless, Jordan nominates Cassi and Shelly.  Looks like Rachel is going to get her way after all, which is the worst.  I can’t wait until Cassi comes back in a few weeks and knocks her out of the game.  Do it, Grodner!