Tonight on Big Brother, we get what may be a first — a flashback to the events before Thursday’s double eviction to see what all that dramz was about. Yay! Also — Jordan loses her goddamn mind. Can’t wait. Let’s get started!
That coming at you would make anyone flip her shit.
So Wednesday night, Boobs goes up to talk to the dearly departed Big Jeff, asking him calmly if it’s true that he threw the cornhole POV that lead to Sniffles’ eviction last week. Um, yes, that’s entirely true, but Jeff goes into his unattractive bullying mode and gets up in Boobs’ face (a dangerous place to be — watch out for spontaneously popping whiteheads) about how he can’t believe she’s even asking him this. Boobs stays calm but now Jeff is enraged, telling us that he has spent the whole summer keeping Shelly in her place being nice to Shelly, and he can’t believe this is how she repays his “kindness.” How dare Shelly not just sit around, licking Jeffs balls?
Now it’s two hours before Thursday’s double eviction, and Jeff is stalking around the kitchen, making comments under his breath to Shelly about how he doesn’t like how everyone’s buddy-buddy now — meaning, how Shelly is up Dicklet’s ass. Shelly tells us that she assumes that someone told Jeff that she’s planning on keeping Dicklet, so with 90 minutes before the live show, she pulls Adam aside to accuse him of spilling the beans. Adam says he’s still voting Dicklet out and denies telling Jeff about Shelly’s scheming, which from what I know from the feeds, is the truth. Like he’d be capable of doing anything as interesting as lying.
Jeff then pulls Adam aside to ask what’s going on with Shelly. Adam admits that Shelly asked him if Adam is still planning to vote out Dicklet, but doesn’t rat Shelly out any further than that. Shelly then barges into the room, and aggressively demands to know what’s going on because she’s “about to blow.” This woman has come across as really emotionally unhinged as of late, jesus. She again accuses Adam of talking shit behind her back, and calls herself a horse which causes me to crack up even though I think she means Trojan Horse in that she’s been working as double agent.
“Oh no she didn’t!”
Adam perks up for the first time this season and says to Shelly, “So you didn’t come to me and tell me you wanted to keep Daniele?” Ruh roh! As Jeff watches, Shelly stutters frantically, saying that Adam knew about the plan from day one, to which he calmly replies that he never agreed to the plan. Again, that’s the truth. Shelly insists that Adam was totally in agreement, and he walks out in disgust — or maybe to see if anyone wants to braid his back hair for the live show. Left alone with Jeff, Shelly continues to try to cover her ass, spinning this whole thing as more double agent work. Like me, Jeff doesn’t buy that excuse and tries to leave the room when Shelly tells him to stop bulling her and begins jamming her finger in his face about how she’s been loyal since day one. Okay, while I obviously agree that Jeff can be a huge bully sometimes, I don’t think he was being one at all in this particular interaction. She’s just being INSANE.
The fight spills out into the hallway where Adam is still lurking around, not finding any takers on that back hair thing, and here the fight really starts to lose its coherency. Shelly yet again yells at Adam for ratting her out, and Jeff correctly points out that Shelly really is the one who confirmed her shady behavior. She barks about her loyalty to Jeff/Jordan and he points out that she is making moves behind his back, been up Dicklet’s ass all week and has final 3 deals all over the house. She says that everyone makes moves behind his back, which maaaay not be the best way to diffuse this situation. The fight breaks down to some mature name calling, so everyone’s a winner here.
“Don’t mess with the bull, young man. You’ll get the horns.”
“Take it easy, creepy principal from The Breakfast Club.”
One hour before eviction, Jeff, Jordan and Boobs sit down with Adam, who now is merrily throwing Shelly under the bus, confirming to the group that Shelly is trying to keep Dicklet. Bitch has tried to drag Adam down with her for no reason, so she totally deserves this and more. Shelly cannot let this one go, and she barges into yet another room and begins asking what Jeff’s problem is and insisting they talk it out. This, as we know, will go super well. Shelly accuses Adam yet again of being the rat, and Jeff defends Adam again by saying that Shelly is the one holding a shovel four feet deep in her own grave. She begins making excuses, which makes Adam chuckle and comment about how she’s totally spinning the story and asks her point-blank why she wanted to keep Dicklet. She sputters some more, but Adam finally pressures Shelly into admitting the reason she wants to keep Dicklet is to break up Jeff/Jordan. Daaaaamn.
Shelly continues trying to take Adam down with her, but no one else is falling for it. Jeff asks why Shelly told Boobs about him throwing the POV, and she non-answers by saying that Dicklet told her that info. Okay, that’s great, now let’s try answering the question, Leatherface. Jeff now is worked up and says that he’s trying to look out for the group (ehh… really, Big Jeff?) whereas Shelly’s busy running around, exploring other options. She correctly says that she has a right to explore other options, but probably should have gone about it in a slightly less retarded way. Finally, she leaves the room, telling Jeff that she’s done with him.
Whew, got that everyone? So basically, Shelly got so paranoid about Jeff figuring out the Dicklet plan (which he was oblivious to) that she pushed Adam far enough into opening the door to Shelly’s self-destruction, and then she waltzed right on through. Congratulations, Adam, for earning more mentions of your name in the first third of this recap than in the last 30 or so recaps combined.
“People talking about something other than me? How boring. Now if you don’t mind, I’ll be figuring out how these chess pieces came between me and my man.”
With that under our belts, we rehash Dicklet’s eviction and Fat and the City’s HOH win (ugh). We see Volvo, FATC and Shelly quickly conferencing about nominations, which FATC tells us is “super duper pressuring.” Not talking so good right now, are ya? FATC tells us that she’s had a deal since week one not to nominate Jordan (is this news to anyone else?) so she will put up Jeff and Boobs, with Jeff as her target. This, of course, is what happens. Zzzz. Must. Not. Fast. Forward.
Following Volvo’s POV win/muffin top adjustments, we see FATC wheeze in her ear not to change the nominations. Hope Volvo has a few dozen q-tips. Boobs is convinced that she’s going home, but Jeff knows otherwise and immediately begins working on Volvo by reminding her that he saved her this week from the block. Volvo, who is turning out to be a lot better player than I think any of us gave her credit for, correctly points out that Jeff didn’t really “save” her as she was just a pawn even if the nominations hadn’t changed. Jeff looks dumbfounded by this double-whammy of truth and logic. Haha, good for her.
Following the veto ceremony, Jeff goes to talk to Adam, who tells Jeff to his face that he’s going home. He volunteers to make the vote a tie and force FATC to get the blood on her hands with the tie-breaker vote, but he tells Jeff there’s no way in hell that Shelly will keep him in the house. Jeff pulls Shelly aside, and she says that she doesn’t understand why he took everyone else’s word over hers. Um, you’re the one who told Jeff to his face that you were trying to break Jeff and Jordan up?! He took your words directly. Her brain is turning into a hard-boiled egg from sun exposure. Shelly cries that she was the best double agent ever, and he asks her to then give him another chance, but Chenbot calls them out to vote before anything is confirmed. Meanwhile, FATC and Adam have an important conversation.
“So I figure we’ve got about 60 seconds before we vote. Do you think that’s enough time to grab a snack?”
Chenbot announces that the vote’s a tie, and Jeff turns to Adam and states in disbelief that Adam didn’t vote for him. HAHA, aww, poor useless Adam. As we know, Adam did vote for Jeff and Shelly didn’t. Following the eviction, Boobs is in shock (why, I don’t know, as Jeff’s been a lot better at competitions than her lately, is part of a duo and has fresher enemies) and Jordan is PISSED and isn’t having it when Shelly tries to comfort her. Haha. Volvo and FATC have to console a crying Shelly, whom I have no sympathy for. As I said Thursday — it was probably the best game move for Shelly, but she needs to own that shit then instead of being all weepy. I don’t have patience for this martyr act. Someone I have even less patience for is FATC, who strokes a pretend beard in the DR while gloating about getting out Jeff. This is not good for my rage (name that quote!).
25 minutes into this episode and we’re finally past the end of Thursday’s episode! Adam is pissed off about losing Jeff, and he meets with the devastated Jordan and Boobs. As Jordan cries about how she looks like an idiot after saying all sorts of nice things about Shelly in the DR, Shelly decides to continue her new pattern of aggressively barging into rooms and starting confrontations. And she called JEFF the bully?! Bitch has him beat by a mile this episode. Shelly comes in there, literally pointing fingers, and starts yelling that she feels bad too and that Jordan should basically get over herself. HAHA this woman is certifiable, folks, to think that this is a good way to handle the situation. And sure enough, here comes angry Jordan — which I find hilarious — screaming that Shelly SHOULD feel like shit because Jordan gave up a phone call from her family for Shelly out of friendship, and Shelly has been lying the whole time. Boobs, whose personality transplant continues to be 1) welcomed and 2) bizarre, silently grabs Jordan and physically removes her from the room as Jordan and Shelly continue to scream at each other. Jordan screams that everyone was just up Dicklet’s ass. “Her season was 4 <bleep> years ago! Who gives a <bleep> her dad was Dick?!” HAHA,what does that have to do with anything? Still, it’s highly amusing to hear Jordan you scream “you lie! you lie!” in that little accent.
“I don’t believe that you don’t fucking know what hummus is! Hummus is made from a fucking chick pea! You lie! You lie!”
“Okay, I think we may have taken a wrong turn here..”
Later that night, it’s time for the HOH competition! It involves rolling a ball down a ramp in the shake of a snake. If your ball drops off before reaching the snake’s eye (a perfect score), you’re awarded the point value of the slot in which your ball falls. After the first round, the houseguests are put in a bracket by their point value, with Adam shockingly in last place and Jordan in first place. The competition will be head to head from this point forward. As the first seed, Jordan will only need to battle the last person standing for HOH. Adam and Volvo are up first, and Volvo easily wins. If you didn’t see that one coming, go slam your hand in a car door for being dumb. Next is Volvo versus Boobs. Volvo rocks it, so Boobs is out. She frantically looks around for a bush, but has to settle for slumping to the ground to cry and say she wants to go home. Always a good sport, that one. This brings up Volvo versus Shelly, and Volvo kicks ass again with the perfect snake eye. Therefore, the final round for HOH is Volvo versus Jordan.
Ew. That is all.
Volvo is amazing at this game, and she manages to get another perfect snake eye, meaning Jordan will have to do the same. She cannot, and thus Volvo wins HOH! I would have rather seen angry Jordan or Boobs in charge this week, seeking revenge, but I’ll take Volvo other any of the other newbies. She screeches and dances with FATC, while Jordan and Boobs run over to the door and beg for Big Brother to let them into the house “and evict them already.” LOL, that’s the spirit!
Once inside, Boobs and Jordan slink off to cry some more while Adam patches things up with Shelly and tells us that he’s going to go where the power is — as if this is some new strategy on his part. Dude has been the biggest floater in the game, constantly kissing the ass in charge. How does playing for second place feel, bud? The worst part about Dicklet and Jeff leaving is that we now have to suffer through a lot more Adam/FATC DRs. Talk about adding insult to injury.
With all the melodramatics temporarily behind us, we now join Volvo in her HOH room — where she finds a Pandora’s Box! Anyone else want to bet that this will totally help Jordan? No way will CBS let both Jeff and Jordan potentially go home at this point without a fight. Volvo’s shown two $5000 boxes and two champagne glasses, leading her to correctly think that she will get 5k and will pick the second person to receive 5k with her if she opens the box. She pretends to worry for a moment about the consequences of opening the box, but let’s not kid ourselves — she’s totally going to open this thing and then totally regret it when it screws with her HOH week.
The (butter)face of indecision.
Once inside the room, she reads another card that says that she needs to read a card aloud to the other houseguests. She gathers them up and reads that she has unleashed the Duo twist back on the house, forcing her to nominate a duo and meaning that if the veto is used, a duo will come down together. Big Brother lets them pick their partners, and Boobs and Jordan of course partner up. As Volvo correctly tells us, she’s a fucking idiot for opening the box because now if she nominates Boobs and Jordan, and one of them wins POV, they both come down and are both safe. And there is the CBS interference! Not like I’m complaining — I’d much rather watch Jordan and especially Boobs stick around to fight it out as we get close to the end.
And that’s it for tonight’s odd episode. What did you think? Are you glad we got to see all of the pre-double eviction drama, or did you think it was a waste of time? Was Jordan entitled to her nervous breakdown, or did she overreact and take Shelly’s betrayal too personally? From what I can tell, Jordan is more upset about feeling used after she gave Shelly the phone call from home than she is about Jeff actually leaving. If you look at it that way, I don’t blame her for being that upset because it’s never easy when a friend fucks you over. And if Volvo nominates Jordan and Boobs, do you think either one can finally pull off a crunch time win? Here’s hoping!
As a side note, I’d just like to say that as much as I’ve been annoyed with and bitching about Shelly for the last two episodes, I think the fact that people have been making death threats against her family and accusing her of things like child molestation and calling DCFS is just despicable. It’s a goddamn TV show, people. I’m sorry your precious Big Jeff went home, but there is no excuse for behavior that is scary enough that the fucking FBI might become involved. Seriously, TMZ is covering this shit now. I know none of you Gasm readers would ever think for a second of stooping that low, but I just wanted to throw my two cents in there about that shit. /endrant
Thanks for reading and see you soon!