Heyo everybody! I was gone for a minute but I’m back again. In that way, I am Tvgasm’s version of Jennifer Lopez. Let’s do this.
PREVIOUSLY: Due to a lack of any new or innovative ideas, the producers asked Rachel and Brendon, Jordan and Jeff and Dick and Daniele to return to the game. Rachel immediately began doing the exact same shit she did last year; I don’t remember whether I hated it or not, and I’m too busy screaming “BRING BACK BRITNEY!” at my television to check. Jordan and Jeff are alright with me, and I’ll have plenty of time to complain about Dick and Daniele. Well, Daniele, anyway. (Sidebar: I’m not even going to bother treating the fact that Dick’s gone as a spoiler, okay? Everyone and their mom knows that shit by now. If you’re so out of the news cycle that you’re just now hearing it and I spoiled it for you, I have some another shocking tidbit to share with you: Anderson Cooper is gay.)
We pick up where we left off on Thursday, with the houseguests trying (and failing) to understand the whole “Golden Key” concept. Luckily, the producers have spoon-fed them lines to help explain it to us, because you just know Jeff and Jordan would normally never be able to understand that shit. They have trouble turning on the stove.
“So, do I turn the knob first, THEN crawl inside the oven, or…..”
For those of you that aren’t clear on how it works, here are the basics: when a duo is nominated, the person who escapes eviction will essentially get a free trip to the Final Ten. They won’t compete in any competitions whatsoever, including Have and Have Not, but will still cast a vote every week. Rachel immediately starts calling these people floaters, which is stupid because avoiding eviction one time does not make you a floater. It’s possible to be in an alliance and still be nominated, not that Brendon and Rachel care about this, since they’re too busy dropping catchphrases about how the golden key holders should get a life vest. You guys? I remember now. I hated them last year.
“The returning houseguests immediately decided to band together,” Dick tells us. Their plan is to eliminate the strong member of each duo, leaving the weak ones around to pick off after the game becomes individual. Daniele points out that they need to grab a pair of newbies to give themselves the numbers advantage. Uh, guys? You don’t. 14 people total, minus two nominees who can’t vote, minus 1 HOH who can’t vote means that there are eleven votes total, which means you’d have to grab one person MAX to keep a majority with the five votes you already have, and that’s just for this week. But whatever, it’s Dick and Daniele. He’s too busy wearing hilarious shirts around the house to think too much, I guess.
“Sarcasm is my body’s defense against stupidity. GET IT? I’m HILARIOUS! For my birthday I’d like a Hot Topic gift certificate, please.”
“I have no choice but to work with my dad,” Daniele says. Dick tells us that he hasn’t spoken to Daniele in three years, but that their relationship is great when they play the game together. To their credit, they don’t bitch about each other at all. It’s…not what I was expecting, frankly. I already had a whole rant worked up about how I really don’t want to watch them work on their issues again all summer, and remember when we thought Dick was the worst, but slowly spent the summer realizing that Daniele was even worse than Dick? Now I won’t get to use it because they’re both being grown-ups. Of all the people to experience personal growth, seriously. Fuck them for being adults!
Meanwhile, the newbies are concocting strategies of their own. Porsche tells Keith that she wants to work on getting on the veterans’ good side, to keep them from going up on the block whenever they’re in power. Keith tells us this is a dumb idea, but does not tell Porsche. So, he’s just going to let his partner do dumb shit that could also screw him too? Great work, Keith. Clearly, this was not part of his crayon strategy.
Jordan and Jeff are hanging out in bed together when Jordan rips an absolutely fantastic fart. Afterwards, she offers to Dutch Oven Jeff. That is the narrative thread of this entire scene.
“Welcome to Big Brother, everyone!”
In the back bedroom (which, in an ironic design decision, has been decorated to look like a library, a place we know that none of these people have ever set foot inside). Dominic says that he feels close to his roommates, Keith and Lawon, so he’s going to be forming an alliance with them for the duration of the game. They want to grab one more person to give their group one member of each newbie duo, so that way they can protect each other. That’s actually…a really smart idea. I’m guessing the smart one is Dominic, since we already know Keith the Crayola Savant would never be able to come up with something like this, and Lawon is too busy inventing words like “herpesexy” or whatever to bother strategizing.
“WHO WANTS TO SEEEEEEE MYYYYYYY HOH ROOOOOOOM?” Rachel yells. All the returning houseguests are like, “Shit, here this goes again, pretending to be exited about seeing old pictures of some shithead I can’t stand.” Because it is Rachel, even the newbies who’ve never seen an HOH room before have to pretend to give a shit about it.
“If anyone needs me, I’ll be showering off this hug.”
After the HOH room tour, the vets talk about their plan for the week. Dick points out that they need a newbie on their side, which, again: they really don’t. No matter which newbie ends up leaving this week, if they win HOH next week they’ll be able to generate a five-on-five tie with the votes they already have, break the tie with the HOH, and be close to even. This week, it really doesn’t matter who leaves, as long as it’s a newbie. Next week’s what’s important.
“Brendon and Rachel weren’t that good at strategy last summer, they were good at pissing people off,” Dick points out correctly, neglecting to acknowledge that this was also his entire strategy when he played, “Daniele and I can lead them to the end, we’ll take them to the promised land.” Wait, so Dick’s a master strategist all of a sudden? HAHAHA. “I was always going to burn chicks with cigarettes and then threaten to anally rape them! All part of my master plan.”
Later, Brendon and Rachel lounge around in the HOH room. “Do you think Cassi has a nose job? She either has a nose job or botox, one or the other,” Rachel says, clearly jealous of how hot Cassi is. When Brendon points out that Cassi is twenty-six and probably doesn’t have either, Rachel gets all upset about it and starts demanding validation from him, so he tells her that she’s the most beautiful woman in the world and doesn’t need any plastic surgery. It’s like a little peek into their daily relationship: her begging for validation and him spending ninety-nine percent of his time giving it to her. It’s super gross, and of course totally expected. “Brendon doesn’t want me to have plastic surgery, but he never complains about these two,” Rachel says, gesturing to her rack. I’d imagine that he’s too scared to say anything mean about them, since they’re probably sentient creatures that could overhear and come for him in the night with a knife while he sleeps.
“Help me. At night they take control of my body and make me do stuff.”
Outside in the kitchen, Dom makes his move to bring Cassi into their group, explaining that creating an alliance with one person from each duo protects them against being evicted. Cassi’s smart enough to know that this is a good deal for her, and she heads into the library with Lawon and Keith to make things official. Of course, if they’re going to form a Big Brother alliance, they’re going to need a stupid name. This year, it’s “The Regulators”. They even make gay little hand gestures together. I’m sure Nate Dogg is spinning in his grave right now. I know that the Four Horsemen existed a long time ago and all, but: fuck Enzo for this, seriously. All this bullshit is his fault, that stinky hobo.
Dick, still convinced that he actually needs a newbie, pulls Porsche into the backyard and explains to her that the veterans would like to work with her. She would be expected to vote how they want and nominate new folks if she wins HOH. She agrees to all of this pretty quickly; whether she’s actually going to do it or not is impossible to tell. In a show of loyalty to her partner, she heads right to Keith and tells him everything. Because he is a giant douche, he calls her an idiot and then goes to tell his new alliance about what Porsche just did. When you sell out the person you’re partnered within the first three days of the game, especially when she hasn’t really done anything yet except for trust you, tell you everything and try to solidify your position? That kind of makes you the idiot, not her. Douche. Go color your feelings.
“Anyone want to color with me?”
Time for the first Have and Have Not competition of the summer! Rachel seems to be dressed like some sort of gay cow.
“I can get legally cow-married in New York!”
“Ican’t lose this competition, because I need BACOOOOOOOOOOON!” Adam screams, like that dog from that Beggin’ Strips commercial. Man, fuck him too.
After the houseguests all get dressed up like cows participating in a farmyard pride parade, they head out to the backyard, which is completely lined with black garbage bags and looks even cheaper than normal. Oh, Big Brother; I have missed you and your low budget shenanigans.
Way to make your set look like one of those creepy church haunted houses.
Lawon: “What is this, Space Milk Mountain?” Good one, buddy. NOPE.
Rachel welcomes them to the mooooooooooooon (get it?). There are three teams of four; three people are dressed in cow costumes, and one is dressed as some sort of space milkman. The cows will run over to a giant pool of milk and soak it up with their costumes. They’ll then run back and the milkman will wring their costumes out. Once a team fills up six jugs of milk, they’re Haves for the week; the last team remaining will be the Have Nots.
Jordan: “There is no such thing as space cows, they do not exist.” Oh, Jordan. I just want to pat you on the head and make you a bowl of cereal.
The competition starts, and things get weird quickly. The houseguests have decided (as with most things in their lives) that the easiest way to win is to hump their way to what they want.
“Yeah, I can’t wait to draw this later for the detectives.”
Also, Rachel is providing running commentary the whole time, which is worst than Probst, if you can believe it.
“Dick was making weird noises when I was squeezing him,” Jeff says. Somewhere in West Hollywood, Flipit stores that sound byte on his computer for personal use.
The team containing all the veterans finishes first, so they’re good for the week. Soon after, one of the newbie teams finishes, leaving Lawon, Cassi, Shelly and Kalia to be the Have Nots for the week.
The Have Not bedroom is essentially a padded cell. The lights in the room cannot be turned off at all, which is a total nightmare, especially when the walls are all white. On the bright side: it provides us with a glimpse into the future, since many of these people will end up getting dementia late in life due to undiagnosed syphilis.
“Ugh, this is worse than Sex In The City 2.”
Later on up in the HOH room, Dick calls Adam upstairs to make him the same offer he made to Porsche. Adam shakes his head and pretends to give a shit and take Dick seriously, even when Dick literally says, “This is an offer you can’t refuse.” I would have cracked up and laughed in his face at that point, so good for Adam. Adam tells us hes most definitely gong to be taking Dick out as soon as possible. Well, guess he doesn’t have to worry about that anymore, does he?
Down in one of the bedrooms, Jeff and Jordan talk to Shelly, who tells them her life story. She met her husband at her brother’s wedding, he was a stay at home dad for a few years after their kids were born. Man, being a stay at home dad has got to be awesome. Any rich ladies out there, hit me up. I do dishes. “Jeff and Jordan remind me a lot of me and my husband, and I hope their story can end the way ours did,” Shelly says. With rampant farting?
Rachel brings Jordan up to the HOH room to ask her what she thinks about nominations. Asking Jordan about her thoughts: never a good idea. Rachel’s basically torn between two options: nominating Dominic/Adam and keeping Adam around to get him to work with them, or nominating Porsche/Keith and keeping Porsche around for the same reason.
“Ah thiiink we should nominate Lydia. She’s aaarrouuund, raaaght?”
After the commercial, it’s time for the first round of nominations! This gives Keith a chance to tell us that he thinks he’ll be safe because of the Regulators, and then shout the name at the top of his lungs. I’m curious: are they not allowed to say “Mount Up” because then they’d have to pay for it or something? That’s gotta be it.
The keys will be coming out two at a time for now, since we’re playing in duos. Daniele and Dick are safe first, followed by Jordan and Jeff. Lawon/Kalia, Shelly/Cassi and Adam/Dominic are all also safe, leaving Keith and Porsche up for eviction. Rachel tells us that her plan is to give Porsche the Golden Key so that she can play with the veterans.
“Enjoy this one screenshot for the season in which my roots aren’t showing.”
On Wednesday: “Someone” will be making a dramatic exit! WHO COULD IT BE? IT IS A MYSTERY. I am on earlobe pins and infected hypodermic needles wondering.
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