Big Brother: Death by Duct Tape

Previously on Big Brother, the lamest twist ever ground to a super lame halt, as the saboteur, Annie, was unanimously evicted over Boob City (Rachel).  In the HOH competition, Boobs swung from the bottom to the top of the heap when she won HOH and ensured that she and her Midol-popping, Yorkie-owning, Oprah-watching shomance, Sniffles (Brendon) are safe for the week.  Tonight we find out who Boobs is nominating for eviction — will she enact revenge on the Brigade, or will she go after the girls in fear there’s competition for the role of Sniffles’ snot wiper?  I’m thinking the latter, but Sniffles might convince her otherwise.

“And then, when her dad comes out of the water to hug her, and Ariel’s all like, ‘I love you daddy’, I just can’t hold it back any longer.  She IS part of their world, but she had to leave HER world, and it’s very deep, like the ocean she lives in, which really is the perfect metaphor.  <Sob>

Now what was that about nominations?”

As we re-watch Annie’s eviction, Boobs and Sniffles tell us how excited they are to have more time to grope each other and torment people watching the live feeds, and Pussy (Enzo) uses up 10% of his remaining brain cell supply by figuring out that grenade rhymes with Brigade.  The Brigade threw a grenade at Annie, and the next targets, he says, are Sniffles and Boobs.  Too bad your entire alliance went out on the second question during the HOH competition.  Before the HOH competition starts, Sniffles quickly confirms Annie’s accusations of him lying about his advanced degrees.  That probably is the best way of handling a situation he created for himself by being an idiot and deciding to keep it a secret from most, but not all, of the house.  Pussy’s the only one who seems annoyed, and Gaygan and Dr. Schmekel (Andrew) gloat to us that their jobs are still a secret.  For now.

“Seriously, check out my collection of v-neck t-shirts.  No one would ever think a college professor would dress this good!”

We then re-watch the HOH competition and learn that Dr. Schmekel lost his shit when Boobs won — jumping up and down and running his hands through his hair so spastically that he rips his yarmukle off his head.  Isn’t that punishable by death?  Or at least by force-feeding non-kosher food products?  He’s excited because he doesn’t think he’s a target, which he probably isn’t.  However, Hayden correctly shouts at us that Dr. Schmekel’s display has just made him a bigger target to everyone else, as he might as well have publicly offered to be Sniffles’ snuggle buddy when Boobs is too busy sewing the straps back on dresses that have given up the ghost.

Britney is pissed as shit that “someone not even smart enough to put on pants before the competition” won HOH.  Haha.  Monet is worried, telling us that she doesn’t like Boobs and that Boobs doesn’t like her.  Probably because Monet is a boring waste of space.  As for Pussy, he thinks that this might as well be Sniffles’ HOH and that the Brigade got hit by a grenade.  Okay, the first time that was lame, now it’s just sad.  Why don’t you spend more time on your comb-over and less time on trying to look clever? Let’s consider the cost-return ratio on this one.

“I am afraid she will launch a grenade at the Brigade and we will be betrayed and dismayed and have to drink Kool Aid in a parade for a decade while we evade and hide in an arcade.  Pretty clever, huh?”

Following the competition, Matt and Pussy meet to “restratergize.”  Matt is confident that he’s not going up, but they both think that Monet is in trouble, based on the eyeroll heard round the world when they picked players for the POV last week.  Britney and members of the Brigade are also likely targets, and the boys berate themselves for being so stupid as to have evicted Annie.  Because if Boobs hadn’t participated in the HOH competition, one of the Brigade members would have won, even though all three were knocked out by the second question.  Yay logic!

Once in private, Boobs presses her privates up against Sniffles’ vag as she jumps up and wraps her legs around his waist.  They giggle over how pissed off everyone was when Boobs won, and then immediately start shittalking Britney and Monet for being fake.  Meanwhile, Pussy and Britney discuss how Dr. Schmekel outed himself as in an alliance with Boobs and Sniffles, which I find amusing because I’m pretty sure Boobs and Sniffles have no knowledge of being in an alliance with Dr. Schmekel.  Unless and until one of them develops a fungus from all their toe sucking, there’s no need to associate with him.

Later, Dr. Schmekel is walking past Britney and Monet and retardedly opens his mouth up to say that he thought one of them was going to win the HOH competition.  Britney — whom I’m starting to really like — points out that he seemed pretty fucking happy that they didn’t.  Instead of denying it, Dr. Schmekel repeatedly says “let’s be honest” and insists that he would have been a potential target had either of them won.  Uh, well, now you will be you idiot.  Britney ignores that but says it’s rather rude of him to compliment them on coming thisclose to winning, given his celebrations.  When she asks him why it’s okay that Boobs won, he gurgles “Because I knew that you knew me that I’d know.”  Uh, WHAT?  Unsurprisingly, this inanity ends the conversation, leaving both girls angrier than before.

Subtle as a schmutzing yourself in an elevator.

Boobs’ ass cheeks flash repeatedly out of her dress t-shirt as she flounces across the room to announce that it’s time to see her HOH room.  Matt speaks for all of us when he says it’s time to pretend to care about things he doesn’t give a shit about.  After overworking the censor blur button, Boobs lets the gang into her room.  Monet tells us that the boa is allegedly from Boobs’ showgirl days but is likely really from her stripper days.  Monet is probably right, but I don’t really see how a pageant girl gets off mocking a possible stripper.  The only thing separating them is the boob job and a jar of vaseline smeared on the teeth versus the anus.  Boobs also received a tiny bottle of tequila in her basket, prompting her to screech excitedly.  Britney mocks Boobs to us for this, but I’m going  to side with my fellow alcoholic on this one.  Although, if Boobs is this annoying sober, I really don’t want to see her after a few shots.

Holy shit, is that… Random Chick (Kristen… maybe)???  Getting air time???  Consider my mind blown.  Hayden and Matt stop her as she’s wearing a bikini top to ask if she has a birthmark on her stomach — which is totally an excuse to stare at her tits.  Nicely played.  Now I know Schoonie squirms in his seat during the 5 seconds she pops up (no pun intended) every episode, but I do not think this girl is that cute.  Forget Hayden — if anyone’s a butterface, it’s her.  Plus, don’t forget she’s crazy, as she informs the boys that birthmarks are places you got stabbed in a former life.  Who the hell stabbed me in the knee then?  An oompa loompa?  Hayden’s totally into her, so I guess they can have skinny, toned, butterfaced children together.  He tells us that she’s “mysterious”, which is code for “bitch never talks.”  We then see him trying to flirt with her on the outside couches, during which he alternates between chewing on his hands and chewing on a cup, and she sounds as vacant and bizarre as expected, saying that she has walls up, which is totally her way of getting guys’ attention.  These two seriously can have each other.  And can we talk about her eye thing?  The right one closes separately from the left when she blinks.  Watch for it.

“Speaking of walls, I often walk into them.”

The next day, Britney and Monet are out sunbathing and staring disdainfully at Dr. Schmekel as he works out across the yard.  Britney tells us that she is so glad she has Monet to listen to her catty comments, or she would be forced to internalize all of her unattractive negativity rather than spewing it out into the world.  God forbid.  Not that I disagree with Britney’s observations that Dr. Schemekel should wear a shirt more often, Boobs is an annoying alcoholic slut, and Random Chick is busting out the slutty swimwear to get  more attention, but I’m sitting here on my couch watching this on TV — I’m not actively playing the game and potentially costing myself $500,000 by isolating myself and being a bitch.

Up in HOH, Hayden is trying to convince Boobs to keep the Brigade and Random Chick off the block.  Boobs doesn’t seem to be gunning for the Brigade, as she idiotically tells Hayden that she thinks he is the reason why she is still in the house.  Um, he NOMINATED you, you dumbass.  Sure, when he named Annie as a replacement he increased your chances of staying, but you never would have been vulnerable if it weren’t for him!  Ugh, I hope never to be on the receiving end of one of her chemistry experiments.  Hayden reveals that he gets hard whenever Random Girl speaks crazy to him, and Boobs suggests a four-way alliance between them and her and Sniffles.  Hayden immediately rejects the proposition, stating that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea to be in an alliance this early, but really he’s  just horrified at the idea of watching Boobs and Sniffles braid each others’ hair for an entire summer.  Boobs doesn’t take the rejection too well, telling us that she’s not sure she trusts him.  Yes, I could see that especially after he NOMINATED you and your shomance, you goddamn moron.

“So this guy said he’d marry me and we moved in together and we got a joint checking account but then he drained the account and moved all his stuff out of our place while I was at work and I haven’t heard from him in like three weeks, and I’m just sure if I can trust him at this point.”

In the backyard, Sniffles is playing with a giant golf set (presumably to be used during the POV competition) while Matt tries to convince Boobs that he’s nervous about getting nominated and that he thinks Dr. Schmekel is in an alliance with them and has control of the nominations.  This is evidently a strategic move on Matt’s part — or so he claims.  Boobs gets angry and suspicious by this suggestion, telling us that Matt may just get nominated thanks to his crazy ideas.  I am not sure what Matt is trying to accomplish here.  My best guess is that he’s trying to push Boobs to put up Dr. Schmekel to prove to the house that they’re not in an alliance, but it seems stupid for him to put himself on Boobs’ radar when he had no reason to think he was a target in the first place.  Assuming Matt really is a genius, he’s proving yet again that the smartest book people can be the dumbest social people.

For the Have/Have Not Competition, the producers have decided to make it “ghetto” by accessorizing with props with childlike graffiti — including smiley faces.  Ooh, scary.  I would never disrespect the Smiley Face Gang.  Unless the Kittens and Rainbows Crew ordered me to do so.  Boobs is down fo’ sho’ with being offensive, and reads the rules in an even more annoying voice than usual.  Basically, the HGs are divided into 3 teams of 4, and each team will duct tape a teammate to a vertical wall, who will then be sprayed by the other teams in hopes of loosening the tape.  The team whose member stays taped the longest wins, and will pick the 4 Have Nots for the week.  So the competition really has nothing to do with graffiti, and the set is the least ghetto thing ever.  It’s BB — sounds about right.

Then again, any gang banger would be shot for appearing on this show.

The Orange team tapes Sheriff Mascara (Kathy), the Green team tapes Britney, and the Blue team tapes Gaygan.  Kathy and Britney are strapped down pretty securely, but the idiotic Blue team decides it’s a good idea to tape Gaygan with one leg bent and wastes taping time on that rather than securing him in general.  Sure enough, when the teams start spraying, Orange and Green both ignore Gaygan for it’s clear he’s going to fall all on his own.  After shouting a series of predictable and stupid comments comparing this to his normal Saturday night, he thankfully comes down about 33 minutes into the competition.  The two girls are stuck up there pretty good, but Britney slowly but surely slides down underneath the tape — to the point she’s nearly getting strangled as the tape pushes up against her throat.  She finally demands to be taken down at 1:18 into the competition, making this the second time that she has had to quit out of the 4 competitions she has participated in.  Dr. Schmekel, I must note, appears to have missed the developing medical emergency taking place under his nose.  Maybe that’s because he’s the doctor of FEET.  You don’t really get too many bunion emergencies.

The first and last pause in Britney’s catty commentary.

With Britney demanding to be taken down, the Orange team wins by default — prompting Dr. Schmekel to repeatedly kiss his fingers and gesture to the heavens.  We here at the Gasm have said countless times that we’re pretty sure God has better things to do than determine the outcomes of reality TV shows, but assuming that He does set aside a little chunk of time for that, I’m pretty sure the very last on his list is a Big Brother Have/Have Not competition, you dipshit.  Orange team picks the Green team to be the Have Nots — Britney, Monet, Pussy and Sniffles.  Not like Sniffles cares, for he’s living the good life with Boobs in HOH.  I’m sure she’d be willing to pee on him anytime he needs to warm up after one of the required cold showers.

The HGs go back inside and find out that America voted for the Have Nots to have fish sticks and fruitcake for the week.  Yum, fish sticks.  I’m okay with this.  Pussy is happy too, telling us that he and fish sticks are like “this” — while making the “I will be watching you” gesture from Meet the Parents.  Anyone else picturing him sitting in his mother’s basement, giving the stinkeye to a box of fish sticks and threatening to take it down to Chinatown?

“But Pussy, all I want you to do is try this lovely breaded cod filet.”

Time for the saboteur reveal — the HGs see another one of the saboteur’s videos with the voice/image manipulation, but it quickly straightens out to reveal Annie.  Needless to say, the HGs are shocked and celebrating their intelligence and foresight (?) in evicting the saboteur.  Which makes no sense, seeing as though none of them — besides possibly Gaygan — had even an inkling that Annie was the saboteur.  Don’t try to claim otherwise, Pussy, whether you’re from Joisy or not.  Dr. Schmekel in particular is excited, screaming that he has been vindicated as they now know he is not the saboteur.

They still hate you anyway.

With that out of the way, the attention shifts back to nominations.  Britney is up in HOH and Boobs is lying through her teeth, saying that she thinks that Brit Brit is a nice girl.  Britney spoon feeds the shit right back by claiming she never was targeting Boobs and Sniffles — and then tells us seconds later that “duh” of course they were her targets.  Britney instead says she would have nominated Dr. Schmekel.  Boobs then dismisses Britney and brings Monet in, who likewise claims she wasn’t targeting Boobs and Sniffles.  Monet is a lot less convincing though, as she looks down guiltily while saying this lie.  Monet instead claims that she was going after Dr. Schmekel and a floater.  This brings Boobs back to her concerns over Matt, as he is a floater and is being paranoid and weird.  By the end of the conversation, Boobs alludes to Monet that she’s putting up Dr. Schmekel and Matt, although I doubt that’s really the case.

Later, Boobs and Sniffles bring Hayden into HOH to discuss where his head is at.  That’s a question without an answer.  Sniffles explains that he inexplicably trusts Hayden but that he doesn’t trust Lane, Pussy or Matt.  Hayden smoothly sits there for a few moments with his mouth hanging open in stunned silence, as he slowly processes that the Brigade alliance is in danger.  He then suggests that Boobs nominate Britney and Monet instead, and shouts at us that he needs to deflect attention from the Brigade.  That is true, but you might want to work on the slackjawed expressions and trigger-happy accusations if you’re going to be the Brigage’s point man.

“I HAVE TAKEN ONE TOO MANY BASEBALLS TO THE HEAD!”

Nominations time!  Boobs goes and performs the staring at the wall routine while the HGs tell us about their feelings.  Matt is confident, Britney thinks that Boobs hates Monet and that she might be put up against her because they’re friends, and Hayden shouts that he is nervous.  I think Boobs will go the Britney/Monet route, as she tells us that she wants to get out the people she thinks would have nominated her and Sniffles had they won HOH instead.

Sniffles’ key is pulled first, followed by Sheriff Mascara, Hayden, Gaygan, Random Chick, Pussy, Matt, Dr. Schmekel (who thanks Boobs in Yiddish, of course), and Lane.  This leaves Monet and Britney nominated for eviction.  Boobs explains that she nominated Monet because she won $10,000 during the first HOH competition and she nominated Britney because “different alliances have been formed.”  Lame.  Just be honest and say you don’t like the bitches.

So are you surprised that Boobs nominated Monet and Britney?  Was it a good move for her and Sniffles?  Assuming the nominations stay the same, which one do you want evicted?  I want to see Monet go because at least Britney’s funny.  Thanks for reading, guys!  Schoonie will be back Wednesday with the POV episode!