Big Brother: Diseased

We color in right after Britney and Monet’s nomination.  You will be shocked to hear that they are both being bitchy about it, not that I mind that, because Britney is kind of awesome.  “Rachel nominated me because I’m not on her side of the house, which is stupid because that includes everyone except for her and Brendon,” Britney begins.

At least the yellow fingernails are gone.

Monet’s bitchiness is a little subtler. ”My initial reaction was to punch her in the face, but obviously I couldn’t do that.”  When, exactly, is it okay to punch someone in the face ever?  Is it just that it’s not okay in this instance?  I’m curious about Monet’s punching parameters, I guess.  I kind of imagine her clocking Target employees and random pedestrians with impunity.

“THIS IS PERFECT, NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT THE BRIGADE!” Hayden Natalie-shrieks into the camera.  I have no idea why he’s getting so much Dairy Room play every episode, but: shut it down, Grodner.  He has all the charm and wit of a Donato.

“I’M BORING AND LOUD!”

After the nominations, Brendon and Rachel head to the HOH room and cuddle.  I’m just going to go ahead and macro that sentence to the F1 key for the season. It’s episode five, and I am already tired of watching these two spoon.  Can I get a hilarious pratfall into the pool or a racial slur up in this house?  Because this shit is boring.  There’s more intrigue in an episode of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne.

Meanwhile, Britney heads to the Have Not bedroom to pout. Monet follows shortly after so they can sit around and feel sorry for each other.  Monet?  Does not have a great cry face.

On a one to ten scale (1 being Jen and 10 being Amber), this is about a seven

Britney and Monet still can’t understand why they’re nominated.  “I was even nice to her!” Britney whines.  “Whatever, she’s a stupid hooker,” Monet replies.  I think Monet’s concept of “nice” maybe different from ours.

Britney eventually moves her pity party out to the backyard.  Rachel feels guilty for making Britney cry and takes her to the HOH room to explain herself.  Britney starts scrambling immediately, promising that she has no alliances and isn’t against Rachel.  “I swear on my engagement!” Britney says.  I love when people swear on ridiculous stuff.  “I swear on my iPhone I’m not against you!  Seriously!  I swear on this delicious bag of Pretzel M&Ms!”

Rachel and Brendon cuddle some more, and OH MY GOD SHOW SOMETHING ELSE.  They both seem like perfectly nice people, but enough already, show.  Rachel, wracked with guilt for making Britney feel so bad, begins to cry herself.  Brendon comforts her, tells her it’s just a game, and they cuddle some more.  Riveting stuff, really.

“Rachel….I have herpes.”

In the backyard, Britney and Monet watch Rachel lounge in the pool.  They work themselves into a nice bitchy froth and begin to hurl insults at Rachel.  Monet has decided that Rachel nominated her because she was jealous.  “Rachel is obviously jealous of me, because  I don’t look like a skanky ass bimbo stripper,” she whispers.  First of all, strippers come in all colors (and sadly, sizes), Monet.  So there very well could be a skanky stripper out there somewhere who looks just like you.  Don’t hate on skanky strippers; they perform a valuable public service by keeping creepy old men off our streets.

“I know, I don’t usually hang out with whores for fun,” Britney tells Monet.  Really, Britney?  You’re on freaking Big Brother.  This show could be retitled Hanging Out With Whores For Fun and no one would even bat an eye.

And now, something actually interesting:  Matt has decided that he’s going to tell everyone in the house that his wife has a very rare degenerative bone disease so that they will all feel sorry for him.  It’s incredibly vile, but also kind of hilarious in it’s own ballsy way.  “The disease my wife is called “melarheatosis”, and I heard about it on a TV show,” Matt says.  I think the disease you gave your wife is called “genital warts”, but whatever.

I’m just saying, sterilize the tattoo needles.

What follows is a hilarious montage of Matt telling the houseguests about his wife’s very sad and rare disease.  They all swallow it hook, line and sinker, particularly Britney and Ragan.  Matt also tells Andrew, confident that he’s been successfully fooled.  Andrew isnt’ so easily convined, however, telling us that the disease isn’t any medical term he’s ever heard.  ”I mean, Andrew’s not a doctor or anything, he’s a shoe salesman,” Matt tells us.  “I’m pretty sure I can outsmart him.”  That line, assuming it wasn’t fed to Matt, had to have given the producers a monster chubby.

Also, how has no one ever tried this ploy before?  Yeah, Russell lied about Hurricane Katrina, but this is much worse.  Oh, and Matt’s decided that he’s going to give a portion of his Big Brother winnings to the disease’s foundation, “to thank the disease for letting me take advantage of it.”  Poor Matt’s wife.  Jonny Fairplay’s grandma probably called her up right after this aired and was all, ”I feel you, sister.”

Time to pick players for the Veto!  Rachel pulls Houseguest’s Choice from the bag, and pretends to deliberate for awhile before picking Brendon.  It gets a bigger laugh from the houseguests than it deserves.  After Monet draws Lane and Britney draws Enzo, the houseguests change into oxford shirts and ties and head out into the back yard.  “It looked just like Wall Street!” Enzo shouts.  You guys tell me if this looks like Wall Street:

I think he’s confusing “Wall Street” with “Street Fair”.

I’m sure most people wish that there were stockades lining Wall Street, but my point is: what do you guys think it’s like to be in Enzo’s head?  I’d like to take a little trip down Inception Lane and dig around in there.  Well, it’s probably chock full of nothing but self-tanner and funnel cake.

Anyway, the six houseguests playing in the Veto Competition will grab a briefcase and lock themselves into the stocks.  The winner isn’t the person who lasts the longest, but the person who stays in the stocks for the closest to one hour without going over, kind of like The Price is Right, but with stockades and time instead of blenders and money.  Basically, these people are going to stand around counting for an hour while we stare at them.  And people say this season is boring!

Ragan announces that the game has started, and Enzo’s all “Yes it is.  Meow meow.”  Idiot.  His schtick is wearing on me pretty quickly.  “Meow Meow”: ridiculous once, grating as shit the hundredth time.

Just leave him there.

The houseguests employ some different strategies to count to an hour.   Brendon’s decided to tap out five minute increments with his fingers.  Monet’s strategy is…interesting.  “I’m going to count to sixty times sixty, which is twelve hundred.”  Maybe if you did your math homework instead of hanging out with skank hookers all the time, you’d be better at this, Monet.

The contest gets even dumber when a laminated dollar bill starts rotating and slapping the houseguests in the face.

In the Diary Room, Lane is all “I’ve never been slapped by a dollar, but there was this time in college when I woke up with my hand tied.”  I have no idea what you’re talking about, Lane, but no one wants to hear about that time you experimented in college.

Overshare!

Britney is the first person to drop her suitcase, and everyone else follows suit soon after.  Rachel wisely waits for Monet to drop her briefcase and then drops her own right after, keeping Monet from having any room to win. In the Price is Right analogy, it’s kind of like bidding one dollar higher than one of the other contestants.  When Ragan reads the results, Monet and Rachel are the furthest off.  In fact, everyone but Britney is over the one hour mark (even Enzo, who’s only fourteen seconds over), so she wins the veto by default.

After the competition, Britney and Monet cry in the Have Not room some more.  Britney promises to try and keep them both in the house; the plan is to ask Rachel to put up Andrew and promise her safety for a couple of weeks.  Monet hits the HOH room first to work on Rachel. ”I feel like it’s obvious that you want me out of the house right now,” Monet begins.  Rachel does not deny this, only telling Monet that she’s pretty sure she’d be on the block again if Monet had won the HOH competition.  Monet denies it, telling Rachel that Andrew should go up, since no one would get mad about that.  Rachel tells us that putting Andrew up is a win/win, since she’ll also get Monet and Britney’s trust out of the deal.  Except for the part when they screw her next week.

Rachel tells Brendon that she’s thinking of putting up Andrew, and he is not happy about it.  He thinks it’s dumb to put someone up who isn’t coming after them, and he is correct about that.  Putting Andrew up is the easy way out; Rachel obviously wants to be liked by everyone, even bitchy Monet.

“Keep talking if you want to get PUNCHED IN THE FACE.”

Later on in the HOH room, Rachel decides to tell Ragan and Matt about her idea to put up Andrew.  Matt thinks this is a pretty dumb idea, since Andrew will probably go home.  “You have a better shot if you put me up there.”  At this, Ragan makes this face like WHAAAAAAAAT?  “I was like ‘Shut the Front Door’!” Ragan says.  How Sookie Stackhouse of him.

Matt thinks the situation is win/win for him, since he’s sure Monet is going home and he’s going to look like a hero with The Brigade.  It’s not really win/win because there’s, you know, the part where you maybe get kicked off the show.  But nevermind!  Win win!  Hayden also thinks Matt is crazy.  “I’D NEVER VOLUNTEER FOR THAT!” he Natalies.

After Matt and Ragan leave, Brendon and Rachel discuss this new option.  Brendon points out that they want to take someone out who will come after them; since Andrew is not going to come after them, it doesn’t make sense to put him up.  Rachel is more interested in not making any waves, so she keeps trying to justify putting up Andrew, even though there’s no real reason to.  Brendon starts to argue with her and they get into a little tiff that ends with Brendon putting a shirt on (when was the last time that happened?) and storming out.  Rachel sobs quietly by herself, which is kind of how I’m starting to feel when I think about this season.

It’s time for the Veto Ceremony, finally.  Britney emerges from the Diary Room, calls everyone to the couches and vetoes herself immediately.  What, she can’t ask Monet why she should use the veto on her?   Are we really so pressed for time that we’re being robbed of the awkwardness?  Did we really need the extra thirty seconds of Brendon and Rachel?  Come on, show.

“Keep staring.  I will hit you SO HARD.”

Rachel stands up, announces that she genuinely likes everyone in the room (eyeroll) and then puts Matt up on the block.  “I am a diabolical super genius, I’m not worried about going home at all!” Matt tells us, confident in his strategy.  Yeah, I’m not sure a super genius would volunteer, dummy.