Big Brother: Double Date?

Previously on Big Brother, Tevya the happiest Jew in the world cried a lot and then in his “save me” speech told everyone that his dreams of golden coins and curling irons for men had been interrupted because he had to listen to Hayden slurping up Kristen night after night. Then he got kicked out. Tev cried a lot and said that he didn’t fit in and no one really liked him, but honestly? I think it was the short shorts that finally did him in. No one can stand short shorts on a dude in his thirties. Trust me, I know from experience.

Can someone please tell me why I can’t get a cab?

Rachel Boob City won HOH again and screeched like a Jonas Brother in an American Girl store. Then she told Kristen off and told the floaters to take cover. Unfortunately, her breasts didn’t listen and we had to watch her floaters bounce all over the place for awhile. Then she wore this.

Why? I don’t know. But there you have it.

Boobs yelled at Kristen, and then Kristen yelled at Boobs. Hayden doesn’t know much, but he pretty much hit the nail on the head when he said “them bitches both carazay!” Boobs tried to make peace with Kristen, and then Kristen told her to suck her bawls. Booming Announcer Guy says “She kept the war alive!” Like Boobs is Afghanistan. Times will change and new generations will be born and her mouth will just keep on going. Caught up? Good! Let’s do this.

Hayden shouts at the diary room cameras about how everyone’s coming after Boobs and Brendon and adds that every time he has to look at Boobs he….long pause…throws up a little in his mouth. Good one. That might explain why your crazy ass girlfriend is full of bile. Brush your teeth. Bleach alone doesn’t kill bad breath germs, foo. After noms, Sheriff Mascara goes right up to Kristen and hugs her hard. I wait for Boobs to start screaming and crying about that, but it doesn’t happen…yet.

Kristen says that she’s gonna do whatever it takes to stay in the competition. Well, you could always…win something. I don’t have much faith that that will happen though. Kristen seems like a lot of things, but adept isn’t one of them. I believe what people wear says a lot about their insides, and she’s wearing that fuzz you get when your TV’s not on a channel.

They’re heeeeere!

Boobs meets Brandon in the HOH room. Her “Bring it on!” nomination speech was ridic, and she knows it.

You go better on my head. Just stop talking. PLEASE.

He’s mad that she’s causing so much drama. He yells. Wait. That’s not yelling. That’s whiiiiiiiining. He’s such a big, strong, handsome toddler. It makes me feel perverted. He wants her to go apologize to the house for acting so childish and explains calmly that she has turned the whole house onto Haysten’s side. He tries to kiss her, but she ignores him and pouts. She zips up her vagina and puts it away for the night.

Hayden and Kristen talk about how the only way to save themselves is to win the veto and get Sheriff Mascara put up on the block. Boobs, uncomfortable with a closed zipper, comes in to tell them softly that “it’s nothing personal.” LOL. When I called you a lying cunt bag fuck face slut town hooker lipped ape girl, it was all business k? Thanks come again have a nice day!

Hayden says next week when they win, put her up, and make snide comments at her it won’t be personal either. But in a less intelligible way. Boobs goes back to Brandon to get her penis cookie. He pats her on the head and tries to make nice. She pouts that if they turn on each other they’re fucked. It’s a win win. Either way there’s fucking involved. Brendon says he’s not turning and he just felt bad for Haysten. She thinks he should feel bad for her for having to nominate people. Really? Wow. Brendon looks defeated and stunned. I imagine while she crazily drones on that he’s mentally writing a letter to Santa.

Please. PLEASE put a vasectomy in my stocking.

She whines more about not wanting to fight and he finally says flat out that she’s being a bully. She refuses to bake cookies and sing kumbaya to people and insists that she’s a villain. No, you’re not a villain. Just a good ole fashioned, all American, fake tittied MORON. And I am grateful that you’re here. She starts her whole “I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy. I had to fight my uncles. I had to fight my brothers. A girl child ain’t safe in a family of men, but I ain’t never thought I’d have to fight in my own house!” speech and adds that he either gets on the canoe or she’s zipping up her vagina for good. He whines about how much he loves her, and then a white horse comes in and they ride off into the sunset happily ever after.

Time for the veto competition. Boobs comes in wailing nasally and wooing. Everyone else mopes in with pure hate on their faces. LOL. Boobs picks Britney, Hayden picks Gaygen, Kristen picks PussyPussy. Brendon will be hosting. Hopefully shirtless. The game is Wizards of Pinball. They have to shoot a ball into numbered slots. Whatever they win they get to trade, like that White Elephant thing people play on Christmas. Second Christmas mention in one recap. And it’s August. Is it too early to start asking for shit? Cuz I’m broke. Point is, this competition is all pure luck and zero skill, which means Kristen and Hayden have a shot. Grodner’s probably offended that they didn’t look right into the camera and thank her for that one.

Britney makes fun of Brendon for taking his wizard hosting job a little too seriously, and as usual, she’s got a point.

Ahoy! Argh! Get me some chicken, wench!

Oh yeah. I don’t think I’ve said this yet so to get it out of the way:

Long live Britney!

I could write down what is happening right now, but I have standards. Lane tells us that you could cut the tension with a machete. Or you could just shoot at it. If tension was dark and had glowing eyes and you were drunk in the woods. Kristen’s the first out. Well, Grodner tried, you ingrate. Gaygan is next out. His prize is a veto ticket, which means that he gets to play for the veto next week. PussyPussy is out next, and his prize is a 3D flatscreen. Now he can watch this episode and see what he looks like jiggling his underarms all over that couch.

I hope someone trades him for some sleeves.

Only four people left. Britney gets a perfect shot. So does Hayden! To prove she’s not a screeching immature harpy, Boobs pats him on the back and tells him well done.

Not.

Boobs is out! She wins a second chance card. She trades it! She gets Gaygan back in the game and takes the veto ticket. And he immediately loses. There’s a reason Gaygan’s always been picked last for sports, Boobs. Stereotypes are mean, but they’re also instructional. He gets a five thousand dollar card and even though Boobs objects, he trades it for her veto card. HAHAH. Brit gets a perfect shot. Hayden equals it or he’s out! And…..he’s out. He wins a hippietard. I love this show. He trades for the power of veto card, hoping Britney won’t steal it. Kristen keeps saying “he has to fight for hisself” and it’s making me crazy. I liked it better when she just stayed quiet. Britney wins a day of solitary confinement and trades Hayden for the POV.

Kristen, knowing she’s dunzo, cries and hugs Hayden. Wordlessly. Thank you. Hayden makes his way to the solitary confinement room, which is that nasty have not room. He can still talk to people through the walls though. Kristen puts on the hippietard, which is kinda funny. But not even close to as funny as watching Gaygen do crunches.

Not a huge Kristen fan, but in that outfit she looks like Rennie. I now want her to win this whole thing.

Deyaaaahlings!

PussyPussy says she looks like “a bootleg little orphan Annie.” Then he jiggles his skin on the back of the chair again. I hope they put some Secret on that shit.

Kristen goes to the door of the have not cell to talk to Hayden and tell him she’s just glad he’s gonna be safe. Then they touch fingers under the door crack while Kristen cries.

Crack fingering. Have you guys even had a date yet? Kids today!

Hayden shouts at the camera about how much solitary sucks. He takes the time to think, but that gets hard so he does the unthinkable. He eats carbs.

Danger! Danger!

The Duhgade talks about how much they miss Hay and what an animal he is. PussyPussy yells DuhDuhDuhGade! Then Lane yells “Gayed!” Like he just got slimed by Gaygan. Now the winners of the luxury competition get to watch that Will Ferrel movie. I’m glad this show is on three nights a week cuz super important stuff happens. The movie is wacky! One cop is a dork! One is a rebel! How the heck are they gonna work together?!?! Will Ferrel learned how to drive from Grand Theft Auto! LMFAOLOLROFLTHISMOVIESGONNAMAKEABILLIONDOLLLLAAAAS. Boobs, true to form, says it’s the most brilliant movie she’s ever seen. Sorry, Curious George. You’ve been replaced.

Hayden finds Britney and tries to talk her into keeping Kristen. She says she will if he works out some kind of two week deal with Boobdon. She says that Hayden will owe her, Sheriff Mascara won’t be mad cuz Boobs is the one that’s gonna put her on the block, and Brit can just sit pretty for weeks and weeks. “It’s a no fail situation.” Unless Boobs gets mad that you “turned on her” and starts some shit, pulling you into the ring when you’re floating by just fine how you are. Don’t do it, girl! Actually, do it. I’m bored. It will be fun to watch the Duhgade freak out.

Kristen and Hayden come up to grovel in the HOH while Boobs does her roots. It takes a lot of work to look that trashy, k?

Boobs says she’s “fought” hard to be where she is. Hayden says that Boobdon won’t last long as a team of two, but they could totes double date their way to the end. Boobs doesn’t buy it and says she doesn’t trust him. He argues that even if he screws her over, it will be the same as if she didn’t trust him. What the hell kind of sense does that make? None. Still…that was inspirational. “It’s a win win.” For you, foo! Boobs rolls her eyes and asks what deal they made with Britney to get her to use the veto. Hay stutters and chomps on cud for awhile while he tries to come up with a non stuttering lie.

He says they promised her safety next week if he wins, and that if the two couples teamed up they could get to the final four. Boobs isn’t buying it, and says there’s no way he would put up the Duhgade over I and Bren. Hayden works it as hard as he can, and when the conversation is done, Rennie is pretty sure they pulled one over on Boobs.

Oh when the saints! Go marchin in! Oh when the saints go marchin iiiiin!

The Duhgade wants Kristen out ASAP and won’t be too happy with this if it happens. I guess Hay could just choose sides depending on who gets the power, but he tells Brit that his plan is to win HOH next week so he can betray Boobdon. You better hope the HOH competition doesn’t have anything to do with spelling or math or reading or talking softly. OK, not the most exciting episode of the season. But don’t worry. You know what’s always entertaining, come rain or shine? Fat people!

Thanks, CBS!

Britney comes up to HOH and Boobs asks if Brit made a deal with Hayden. Britney says that Hayden’s not a target anyway so it’s a win win for her to save him. Boobs is thinking that she might put up Lane because he’s a floater hick. Britney tells us that if she’s gonna put up Lane then forget it, but she tells Boobs that whatever she decides they will decide together. Hayden tells us that if Boobdon took the alliance bait it’s a brill move cuz no matter who wins next week he’s safe. Which is right. I have trouble believing Boobs fell for any of this, but we’ll see. Hayden gives a generic speech, but Kristen says that she doesn’t deserve to be here and she was thrown under the bus. Oh wah. “I need help and she’s asking for it.” Aw. If this girl came up to you and asked for help, what would you do?

I’d throw my diet coke can at her head and roll up my windows while she cried on the curb. Stinkin hobo. Get a job!

Britney says they are both strong and this is such a huge decision and blah and then…she doesn’t use it! Atta girl.

See Brendon? I’m totally nice!

Hay shouts that he feels like he just got smacked in the face. Unfortunately not punched in the jugular. Shhhh. Shhh now. We can hear you. Brit says that she wasn’t willing to lose Lane. AW. I know she’s kinda aligned with him, but do you think she’s in lust with him? I do. Kristen cries. I am so glad she’s leaving. She says that she is gonna make the next few days hell for Boobs so she can get her to have some more public breakdowns. YAAAAAYYYY!!!

We lucked out with the past two episodes. This was pretty much back to neutral. Here’s hoping the new HOH switches it up tomorrow night. Thanks for being here.