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I was all excited to see just how boring these jokers could get this week and something even more boring happened:
I’ve never sat down to watch football, so I figured now was the time. I had no idea what I was missing.
EW!!! Never mind.
This season, Ellen Degeneres is going to guest star on CSI!!!
And she’s killing a black guy!
Don’t feel so bad. She did the same thing to American Idol, buddy.
This shit is juicy and the episode hasn’t even started yet! Oh wait here it goes. Ugh. It’s only been two seconds and I’m exhausted. It’s like the snooze button. I keep pressing stop and then ten minutes later it wakes my ass up again.
Previously, Britney brought out her pussy and whipped Lane with it until he put HAYDEN on the block instead of her. I know it’s a little early to start making a Christmas list, but Dear Santa, for Christmas please give me a vagina. Love, Flipit. Seriously. Those things come in handy. At the very least, they allow you to sit and pee without people making fun of you.
Also previously, Gaygan “studied”, which was awesome cuz it gave him a chance to diss everyone from the season to the cameras. “Rachel’s the one with giant fake tits and bad skin that thinks she’s a chemist. Lane is the guy with hard fat who burps in the middle of sentences. Enzo is the guy who refuses to accept that he’s balding and talks like a shitty cartoon.” Jeeze Gaygan! Those aren’t gonna be questions.
Four: the number of times I’ve given Sally Field Oscar speeches right before winning nothing.
Five hundred: the number of times he told us how alone he feels. It’s just like being back in West Hollywood! You’re alone because you’re a hideous person. I understand cuz I suffer from the same problem. At least you’re thin! I don’t remember this part, but apparently PussyPussy knocked Gaygan over during the POV competition and Gaygan screamed like a girl. HAHAHAHAHAH.
Forget it! I’m stayin’ right where I am. It’s gonna take you and the police department and the fire department and the National Guard to get me outta here! – Norma Rae
It’s a pretty sure thing Gaygan’s going back to his sling in some dingy bar tonight, but it will be interesting to see if he can pull through and talk Lame into getting rid of HAY. Interesting or extremely time consuming and life wasting. Let’s find out! Speaking of leather slings, let’s say hi to our favorite domibotrix. I would call her hair flat but I’m afraid of getting a Criscoed fist up my cornhole.
You’re a mother now! Have some decency!
OK, I love Chenrianna Huffington, but something’s just off tonight. Hair? Flat. Nose? Pointy. Eyes? Crossed. At least wait til next season to bring on a new model, Grodner!
Who are you you drunk slut? Bring back my bot!
Hopefully, this new model will ensure a night of insanity and high stakes drama! The Brigade is fracturing, SlutBot tells us. Can HAY slip through Gaygan’s crack? What kind of question is that, bot? Who can’t?
HAY is pissed that Lame put him up, and you can tell cuz he’s yelling in the diary room. That’s also how you can tell if he’s happy, sad, or sleeping. PussyPussy’s back to his obnoxious cocky self now that he’s done sniveling like a three year old on the block, and he’s practicing making to go food into pretty swans with some tinfoil while Gagyan practices swallowing.
He’s positive that Gayg is going home, but Gay insists that he’s gonna fight! It looks like his idea of fighting is to totally rid himself of any kind of gag reflex.
In the HOH suite, HAY and PussyPussy cheer themselves on and then not so subtly try to talk Lane into turning against Britney. Not that that matters much now, but they’re looking ahead to next week. Lane thinks he has a shot of going to the final two and winning if he’s against Britney, so he’s obvs anti Duhgade at this point. Or at least they’re anti him. He just put them both on the block. Why would either one of them keep him safe if they get the chance? Will he be smart enough to have Britney vote against HAY and use the tiebreaker to oust him? I doubt it, cuz that would require some kind of thought. While we’re waiting for that to happen, let’s ponder on just how much like Cloris Leachman Gaygan is starting to look.
But less hot.
Gaygan approaches Britney and tries to get her vote. He tries to make her believe that Boobdon would vote for her over him, and she rolls her eyes. He keeps talking to her like she’s five, and she’s used to it so she just takes the time to wipe some boogars out of her eyes.
Mmmmhmmm. Tell me again the part about you being a fighter. No do the “I’m all alone!” monologue. No the fighter one. OK you pick.
She tells us that he’s making some strong arguments, but her vagina is kinda worn out from browbeating Lame. She’ll do some kegel exercises and if it starts working again she’ll get right on that whole saving him thing. She advises him to talk to Lame. He does, and he does it using his talking to a fucking moron tone. In this case though it’s fitting. “Do you wanna win or do you wanna lose?” Um, I wanna lose. Glad we had this talk.
Gaygan says that HAY and Pussy’s loyalties lie with each other and it’s time for Lame to make a big move and not go down in the BB history books as a totally clueless pussy that didn’t win one vote from the jury house. Lame gets it. At least I think that’s what this face means:
Lane knows HAY’s coming for Britney and that he won’t beat him in the final two. Will he turn on HAY? Way to make it interesting, Gaygan! Chenretha tries to entice us into coming back after the break to see Brendon and Boob City reunited. Dumbest move ever. I’d rather watch football again.
EW!!!! Never mind x 2
Let’s see some clips of the HGs dancing at random times throughout last night! That was pretty awesome, I have to say. HAY admits to being the worst dancer and says that no matter how much he tans he’s always the whitest guy on the dance floor that spits all over people the most when he talks. PussyPussy, are you ever gonna live down wearing the penguin costume in Jersey? He says he gave it swagger. I guess in Jersey swagger means crying like a little bitch cuz you can’t win one competition in weeks and keep yourself off the block. Whatevs. He finally won one. By pushing down a helpless little girl into the mud, but still. A win’s a win.
Britney goes off about how dirty the house was. Wasn’t it embarrassing enough that a quarter of an episode was devoted to cleaning out a fridge? Let’s just all ignore it and try to pretend the end of this season is amazing. Or we could listen to Gaygan squeal “you’re the dirtiest!” to Britney. Your choice. FF.
Let’s visit the Jury House! YAY!!! Boobs was first in, so she had the chance to rub her herpes all over everything to spite the people who voted her out. She thinks Matt will be first in because of her carbs note to Brendon way back when Brendon still had a shot in hell of winning this thing. Sheriff walks in and squeals, and then Boobs squeals. Then she gets pissed about the Diamond Power of Veto. They both yell and squeal and stuff. Then Sheriff says she feels like a victim in a crime cuz she didn’t have a chance to fight. Now you know how your eyelids feel.
The next week, Boobs says she hopes Princess Britney and Gaygan come in together so they can have three princesses and a queen. LOL. Boobs tells Sheriff that she doesn’t want anyone to mess with her man, and Sheriff reacts pretty much just like any of us would.
Rachel, honey, please stop sitting on my shoulder.
Matt is the next one in the house, and he enters right after Sheriff talks about how he broke her heart. The girls both squeal when he comes in, forgetting how they just two seconds ago talked about hating him. Sheriff feels kinda bad after all cuz Matt’s wife is dying of a bone disease. Sheriff forces him to apologize for ousting her, which he has to practice like five times. Then they watch a DVD of the show. Boobs squeals about what a moron Matt was for throwing the HOH comp. LOL. I miss Boobs. Matt laughs that he still feels like he’s in jail, and that’s when Boobs gives him her first “I’ll fuck you up” look of the night:
Then they watch Bredon get his head shaved. Boobs coos about how hot he looks, and Matt says he looks like a penis. In his defense, he probably meant it as a compliment. Boobs rolls her head and tells him not to mess with her man. This is one of the most consistent people I have ever had the pleasure of not meeting. Matt snarls while they watch Britney put Matt up, and Boobs says she’s lame and evil. They are hoping she’s out next, but it’s Brendon! Yaaayeeeew! Boobs doesn’t get up and squeal for Brendon. She’s PISSED. She was expecting that money. That whole missing her period thing is a lot less fun now.
OMG he does look like a penis.
Boobs finally gets up and hugs him, and she tells us that they have both fought sooooo hard to be there! HAHAHAHAH. If I wasn’t so lazy I would come up with a clip of her saying that over and over again. Matt sits everyone down to tell them something very serious. Oh no. He’s gonna tell them that the only thing is wife is sick with is a busted grill? How stupid is this guy? He cops to lying about his dying wife. Boobs’ jaw drops to the ground and Brendon unzips his pants. She smacks him and tells him to focus.
Sheriff starts yelling about how she’s a real sick person and she’s disgusted by his lying. She’s devastated! She’s a survivor! It wouldn’t hurt so much if she hadn’t survived CANCER! OMG it’s so hot in here. Turn on the AC it’s like a hundred degrees CANCER in here. Sheriff gets up to apply more mascara and brush her CANCER while Boobs decides to whip out a Shakespearean sonnet.
She had fuckin CANCER, k?
She tells Matt he’s the most horrible person she’s ever met in her whole life. And she’s a stripper from Vegas with enough fortitude and mouthwash to blow herself to a college degree. That’s saying something. She goes to hang with Sheriff, who is offended that he said he could relate to her cancer because of his dying wife. Boobs, with a huge smile on her face, says how wrong he was over and over. Matt claims he was gonna donate money to whatever the fake disease was, but he can’t name it at the moment. LOL. Boobs says he needs to gtfo of the room, and he refuses. She adds that he’s either worse than evil or Evel. I can’t tell. He’s not worse than either. Just shorter, dumber, and beaver teethier.
Back to the real show. Chenrique Iglesias asks Lane if he still trusts the Duhgade. He says that yes he does but he knew if he put Britney on the block they’d vote her out. He doesn’t wanna backstab anyone, but he’s here for half a million dollars. Cheniane Sawyer asks if he feels bad about lying to Brit about his alliance, and he says that he’s just been playing dumb as a strategy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Riiiiight. He also says that if he has the chance between the guys in the Duhgade he will take HAY to the final two. Well, thanks for the spoiler alert. CYA Gaygan.
Eviction time! Gaygan thanks his dad for being proud of his weirdest child. HA. Then he fakely says that if he’s evicted he’ll be waiting in the Jury House with “say it with me!”, no one does, “Oooey Gooey Yummy Scrummy Delicious Black Chocolate Balls!” Everyone looks embarrassed for him. Chenlisa tells HAY, “top that!” and he goes “not with your dick, Julie.”
He says he’s proud and loves everyone and blah. PussyPussy is first to vote. He, obvs, votes for Gaygan’s eviction. Britney votes to evict Gayg too. Damn. I wanted more Oscar speeches!! BOoooooooooo!!! When Chengis Philbin tells Gaygan he’s out, Gay hugs everyone quietly and spurts out some armpit sweat onto Pussy.
When Gayg leaves, everyone celebrates. Gaygan tells Chendilli Vanilli that he underestimated the bond of the remaining four, and it was dumb of them to vote him out. Why? I don’t know. He says that he knows that they all knew that if they took him to the final four he would have won. So why was it dumb to kick you out again? He’s ridiculous. He’s babbling nonsense, but with super raised eyebrows and big hand gestures.
Do you uuuuunderstaaaaand what I’m saaaaayingggg?
I really can’t stand that queen, so let’s take a break and ponder how much like My Favorite Martian Gaygan is starting to look.
I love when guys talk all big and tough while their feet don’t touch the ground.
Chenelope Cruz asks him why he didn’t try to get rid of the Duhgade and he blames Matt. While we’re on that subject, do you regret being friends with Matt? He says no and Matt’s an excellent human being. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh man poor Gaygan. I wish Matt kept the big secret til this coming week. With his twenty grand from the saboteur win he’s gonna get a hybrid or a BMW. If you don’t know that BMW has a hybrid you don’t deserve to have one. Get a Prius. It will be easier to crunch when I purposely hit you the first time I see you in West Hollywood.
Goodbye vids! Lame says he’s sorry that he’s out and Brit says she’s sorry he has to go listen to Boobs’ annoying cackle. LLB! PussyPussy comes on and says Gaygan’s a whiny little bitch and deserves what he got. Wow. Gaygan’s face drops faster than Pussy’s hair. You know, Pussy is one of the worst players we’ve seen in a long time. Part of me feels like well, he’s in the final four so that automatically makes him good cuz he can play the social game. And then he comes on and obliterates that week after week too. Seriously? HATE. Pussy ends by asking for Gaygan’s vote. HAY says Gayg is an “awesome representation of the gay community”. I think he meant Gayg’s an awesome representation of why people are so fearful of the gay community, but that’s a really long sentence for HAY so let’s just let it slide.
HOH comp! The backyard is a winter wonderland. It’s not too early for Christmas after all! I’ll have a vagina in no time! They have to put ornaments on a tree and get a star through chicken wire to the top first. Or something. I don’t ever understand wtf these games are supposed to be, so how bout I just tell you who wins? Brit keeps dropping ornaments and then flat out breaks one. DAMMIT. So the boys are just gonna sail through. Hayden is first to score a point. Britney can’t get one f ing ornament more than six inches up. DAMMIT BRITNEY! If you lose to Enzo you deserve what you get. We don’t get to see the end of this, but when the ep ends, Pussy has three, Brit has one, and HAY has five. F!!!
So that’s it. Were you as pissed by the predictability of this as I was? I have loved the season for the most part, but I don’t know how much for of HAY’s shouting, Lame’s bs down home bumbling, or Pussy’s Jersey Shore ripoff act I can take. I love ending these on a positive note. Can’t think of one, so let’s ponder how much like Sandy Duncan Gaygan is starting too look.
But less butch.
See you next week!