Big Brother Finale: Shave or a Haircut

by Schoonie, Lolo and Flipit

Season finale night! This is gonna be filled with mystery! With hijinks! With car chases! No. But it will be full of lots of tasteless jokes and complaints of boredom. Sound fun? We think so too! To close out a mostly fun but then terribly painful season of Big Brother, Schoonie, LoLo and Flipit are joining for the first time to bring you a round robin recap. Enjoy!

Schoonie: Oh my god, I’m so glad this is over.  I was watching Survivor a few minutes ago, and seeing actual interesting people on television.  Let’s have a toast for the douchebags, for one last time.

Cheers!

Julie is looking updated with completely new software.  Oh, wait, that’s the Zingbot.

BEST PART OF THE SEASON.

Previously: the whole fucking season.  I know I say this every year, but I’ve now spent 26 hours watching this shit.  I should have learned to whittle or something.

Julie tells us that the HOH competition take place later, BUT FIRST!  We have to watch these three clowns for a few minutes.  “I HAVE TWO KUNCKLEHEAD BRIGADE MEMBERS STANDING BETWEEN ME AND 500Gs!”  Hayden Natalie’s (for one of the last times we’ll have to watch, thank God).  Let he who is not the biggest knucklehead cast the first stone, joker.

“I don’t know who it’ll be easier to beat!” Lane says.  Hint: Enzo.  Take Enzo.  Of these three jerkoffs, you are the least jerkoff-y, so I’d like you to win, if only to see you lose it all in a lawsuit when you start randomly punching boyfriends again next week.

Enzo paces the backyard, upset that he lost the competitions.  “I was the Mastermind, and it looks like I took a hit out on myself!” he says.  How were you the mastermind?  Can someone explain this to me?  Yeah, he had the idea to form an alliance but so has everyone else in every season but this one.  If there’s merit and strategy in the Brigade, it belongs to Hayden and Lane, who make friends and actually influenced people.  There’s merit in that, to be sure, but it’s not Enzo’s.
Lane and Hayden are both wearing homemade Brigade shirts.  It’s much more interesting than their conversation, so let’s focus on that.  One:  It’s spelled “BRA-GADE” on both of them.  That’s…not how you spell it, and I’m not entirely sure they know that.  I mean, Lane didn’t even know what a brigade even was when the season started, Hayden is a 24 year old college student, and Enzo is…Enzo.

Two: The shirts are personalized with their nicknames on the back, with little illustrations.  Marvel at their artistic ability:

Anyway, blah blah blah Lane and Hayden talk and are nervous about taking each other to the finals THE END.

Think about this for a moment: these three people have now been in the house for an entire week since the last time we were shown any new content, and this is the most interesting part of that week.  If I were a cameraman on this show and had to watch this for twelve hours a day, I’d throw on some Nikes and drink the shit out of some Kool-Aid.

Next scene!  Enzo lays in bed and fumes, upset that he can’t get to the end.  “I put all the work into this thing.  I don’t care what it takes, I’m brainwashing somebody like I’m the leader of a Satanic cult.”  Holy shit, maybe Enzo is a sorcerer!  That would explain how they got this far.  He’s definitely going to curse me after all those times I called him a hobo.  Eek!

Enzo’s plan is to convince Hayden that he has no shot by muttering about how he only won one competition.   ”You played the greatest social game in the history of Big Brother,” Hayden says.  That’s not true.  What about Evel Dick?  Surely burning people with cigarettes and threatening to rape them anally is superior to making a few animal noises.

More of Enzo yapping to Lane about how he’s going to lose.  He also tells Lane that Hayden’s won so many competitions that there’s no way he’ll win against him.  “I just tried to drop a seed and we’ll see what happens,” Enzo says.  Actually, Lane was the one dropping his seed all over the house.  Zing!

LoLo: Hello everyone! LoLo here. So after nearly 20 minutes, all we’ve established is that… everyone wants to win. Fascinating. I’ve spent a more meaningful 20 minutes with my toilet. We return to Chenbot in her asparagus colored sack of a dress as she chats with the final three. This should be pointless. Enzo misses his family and says that BB wasn’t worth it unless he wins some money. Way to appreciate an opportunity at least dozens of psychotic egomaniacs would kill for.

HAYDEN feels like he’s invincible and has a really good shot of winning, which might not be the best thing to say given that Lane still might shock us all with a win in part 3 of the HOH competition. Lane says that after this is over, he will miss knowing someone who calls himself the meow meow and all his best friends in the house, but I think we all know he will miss the shower the most. God help the poor person in charge of cleaning that tomorrow. Perhaps they should borrow Snooki’s outfit from cleaning the smush room.

Because it can’t. Be posted. Enough.

We then go to the jury house, where Gaygan magnanimously says that he’s “working on forgiving Matt” for the fake disease lie, which is so very, very big of him. Matt doesn’t owe you anything, so stop being so self righteous. As the group sits and talks, Gaygan says that he doesn’t want Britney to join the jury and that he suspects that there has been an all-male alliance for a long time. Matt squirms and acts extra twitchy, and tells us that he expects that it will be Britney joining them for obvious reasons. As for Sniffles, he isn’t sure he wants Britney to win BB but he doesn’t want her out this early because she’s a true competitor. Then he buries his head back in Boobs’ tits.

And in walks Britney, wearing a t-shirt that says “Bra-gade Alternate.” I think there’s a 50% chance that those clowns think that’s how brigade is spelled. Matt nearly twitches himself off his chair as the others squint in confusion at the shirt and Boobs declares that whatever the bra-gade is, it ain’t coming between her and her man.

This better not come between me and my man.

Britney drops the Brigade bomb, including the side-alliance bit and how the Brigade used everyone on the jury to get ahead. Well, everyone but Sheriff Mascara because no one gave a shit about her going 40 in a 25 zone (Ziiiiiiiing! Love ya, Zingbot). Britney accuses Matt of using her and Gaygan, and he simply says that he had a final four deal. Gaygan predictably slaps on a pair of assless chaps and climbs on his high horse and tells us how upset he is that Matt lied to him again, and how this is analogous to the lie about his wife. Oh fuck off, dude, seriously. It’s a GAME and while I can see some people being upset about the wife lie (it doesn’t really bother me), there’s nothing wrong with having a secret alliance. For one doofus tonight, it’s a game winning move. Gaygan just screwed up and didn’t make an alliance himself, and now he’s even bitterer than he naturally seems to be.

Really hurting right now.

Britney then mentions that between naps, Enzo’s taking credit for creating the Brigade, and Matt is incredulous and points out that he was called the brains for a reason and tells us that he totally would have trounced those guys if he had been in the final four. Okay dude, don’t be too proud of that. That’s like being proud that you’re the skinniest chick browsing the Lane Bryant racks. Look at what you’re comparing yourself to. Sheriff Mascara then warns Britney not to believe a word that Matt says, and Matt is forced to awkwardly segue into the “my wife has a dental condition, not a medical condition” routine.

Cancer.

Britney tells him how horrible that was, but she can’t keep the smile off her face and seems to enjoy it. Of course she does. Brit’s a bitch. That’s why we like her.

Flipit: Look! It’s HAYDEN’s mom and sister! And they’re sitting in front of Lane’s arms in twenty years!

Chenbraham Lincoln welcomes us back.

“All my life I have tried to pluck a thistle and plant a flower wherever the flower would grow in thought and mind.” – Chenbraham Lincoln

The tables have turned and now the power rests with the jury!! Boobs walks out like she’s shooting a The Apprentice opening.

Donald Trump: Rachel, you’re….a slag. Get out.

And then we see the rest of her outfit.

The Whoreprentice

 

Britney is the jury foreman, cuz she can speak English better than everyone else. You can tell she’s taking it really seriously because she’s not in a boob featuring shirt. She opens by bringing up the Duhgade, and Boobs says “the Graahnaaade!” Britney laughs politely, like she didn’t make that joke first like a week ago. She says that everyone sitting in that jury house is there because the Duhgade put them there. While she talks, Matt does his I’m a Brilliant Overlord Genius Mastermind with a Justin Timberlake Vibe pose. Brag some more about how you masterminded LOSING, A HOLE!!

Boobs argues that the Duhgade only worked cuz they were lucky floaters and everyone else got busy taking each other out. She’s kinda right, but she doesn’t even know that. She just wants a prize for winning two HOHs. No one tricked me into winning stuff, dammit! Oh, BOOBS. Brendon, pulls his head out of her cornhole for a second, smooths out his eyebrows with his fingers, and then jumps on her cause, saying the Duhgade only have four votes. After Sheriff Mascara lifts her eyelids as high as they’ve ever been able to reach…

That’s gonna hurt tomorrow

…the rest of the HGs try to explain very slowly that since they all had side friendships (except Enzo), they had seven votes. Brendon shrugs at Boobs and climbs back into her crack. Boobdon can’t seem to understand how this all works, because the HGs are trying to explain using numbers. As Britney would say, “She’s a scientist, Monet.”

Gaygan switches tactics and starts using that boys have dinkies and girls have hoohas voice to try and explain, but he’s making everyone fall asleep by minute six of that so Britney pipes up, raises her hands, and very clearly makes Boobs understand what she’s saying. YOU. LOST.

Are you trying to come between me and my man right now?

Brit gives the Duhgade props for being the first secret alliance that’s made it to the final three in Big Brother history! Brendon gives Matt shit for getting kicked out of the Duhgade and adds a ZING! Wow. He has less personality than a giant plastic extra. That’s not easy.

Sheriff wants the specifics. Brit said Enzo took credit for the whole idea (correctly) and Matt is trying to take credit now (incorrectly. We were just shown the clip of Enzo getting it together, naming it, naming all the members on it, and annoying the fuck out of it for an entire summer.) Matt crosses his arms like a five year old and shifts in his chair so that he can have at least one foot touching the ground for this truckload of bullshit that he’s about to drop all over the stage.

Matt says that they all formed the alliance, but the “minutia” of it was all him. He chooses to lie slimily when he’s got the truth on his side. Enzo named it, Matt actually WON COMPETITIONS. Instead, he stamps his feet and out of half his scowly mouth he takes credit. Sheriff looks like she totally believes him.

I’ve had cancer less evil than that rascal.

Matt deflects the negative attention by saying that there is no way PussyPussy deserves to win this thing and Brit stands up for him saying he had a brill social game because everyone felt like they had a relationship with him. Boobs argues that she’s had more relations that any of them combined and Britney pauses to decide whether she should stop to explain what relationship means. She doesn’t. Gaygan says that wafting a fart into someone’s face might mean a long term relationship on a Saturday night in West Hollywood, but otherwise it’s just rude and they shouldn’t reward that with money.
Brendon and Boobs are on Pussy’s side, which means he now has no shot of winning. Thanks, guys! Boobs says that she has no social game and to see how Pussy can thrive in an environment by not screeching and giggling and bouncing saline sacks in everyone’s face while calling them losers and getting all Tyra on their asses astounds her.

That gir’s as nutty as a squirrel’s poopie.

Gaygan says Hayden is the best at comps so he should win. Matt says that Hayden’s hot and made him feel loved and that’s good gameplay. Boobs (correctly) disagrees and argues that HAY was just pulled along and manipulated by everyone around him. True for most of the game, but when it counted he won and kept winning and got rid of Matt. But Boobs made everyone in the house and America hate her with intensity usually reserved for terrorists and housewives in New Jersey, so that’s something. Everyone needs to just line up and pat Boobs on the head and tell her she’s brilliant so she’ll SHUT. THE FUCK. UP.

Sheriff says that HAY played her and Kristen, so he must be smart. Crickets. Boobs likes Lane cuz he never made anyone mad. So she’s endorsed Pussy and Lane. Congrats, HAY! You just won this thing! Gaygan says Lane is nice and but shouldn’t win for that because this show is about shitty people and one person coming off as decent is downright unfair. Britney looks like she’s about to smack him upside his alien head.

Hit Ouisa!

She says that Lane had her fooled and made it all the way through without getting his hands dirty. That statement is questionable.

Gaygan talks to the kindergarten class about how he views Big Brother.

One widdle piggy went to mawket, one widdle piggy went hoooome, one widdle piggy went to a club in West Hollywood and offered his butt up like a turkey dinner on New Years Day.

Brendon says they should give the win to whoever played the best social game. The guy who farts in your face, the guy who shouts and spits in your face when he talks to you, and the guy who gives you a shake with his spermy palm.

We can pretty much now say with certainty that this bitch is a total failure.

Matt says they will need to question the final two with small words so they will understand. Boobs laughs a little too loudly at that and Gaygan uses the word “monosyllabic”. Boobs laughs loud at that one too and leans over to Brendon to ask him what it means. He shrugs and goes back to licking her poop shoot. Sheriff is just on a search for the truth, dammit! She wants an apology from anyone and everyone who ever hurt her cancer’s feelings.

You done me wrong. Now do me right ‘for I string you up like lights on Christmas Eve ya little ragamuffin!

 

I’m sure everyone in the final three has something super deep and meaningful to apologize to you for, Sheriff. If they can even remember who your stupid ass is. Brit says all three are her friends and all deserving. Boobs and Matt give her dirty looks. Then Gaygan talks real big with his hands for two minutes while America presses FF.

Schoonie: It’s time for Hayden and Lane to face off, and it’s the same competition it is every year: guessing, of two options, how the jury members would end random sentences.  It’s random chance like it is every single year, but with these people I can’t even muster up enough energy to care.

Hayden has ashy knees.

What was Rachel’s favorite moment in the house?  It was falling in love with Brendon!  Shocking. She laughs at the end of the sentence and the audience moans.

UGH

What was Kathy’s most shocking moment in the house?  It was Rachel coming back for twenty-four hours.  What should have been most shocking for her is the fact that she slipped past casting.

Cancer

What was Matt’s fatal error?  Throwing the last HOH competition.  Also being Matt, but that one is a lifelong fatal error.

Has anyone seen the phonebook?

What’s the moment Brendon’s afraid to have his friends and family see?  Is when he went off on Britney and Ragan in the hammock.  WRONG.  The correct answer is: Rachel.  Just Rachel.  All of it.

What houseguest does Ragan think needs a reality check the most?  It’s Brendon, since he was willing to give his waitress a half a million dollar tip.  Oh Ragan.  You weren’t that bad either, so I’ll let this one slide.
What was the funniest moment for Britney in the house this summer?  Rachel and Ragan’s fight.  I guess she can’t choose herself, right?

In the grand tradition of lameness and boredom that this season has cultivated, Lane and Hayden guess the exact same answer for every single question, making an already boring contest even more unbearable.  Tie breaker question: In part one of the final HOH competition, how many times did Big Brother slam them into the walls?  This is what it has come to, you guys.  Hayden guesses 91, Lane 55, the correct answer is 225, and even though both are woefully off, Hayden is the final HOH.  Floppy-haired shouters everywhere, rejoice!

Choose plaid.

LoLo: I’d like to point out that I mistook HAYDEN’s sister for Bret Michaels. Just saying.

HAYDEN’s our final HOH! Can’t say I’m surprised by the outcome, but I’m really shocked it was as close as it was. Props to Lane on that. Sucks that it had to come down to a pure luck tiebreaker. I was pulling for Lane to win, simply because I think HAYDEN will easily beat both of them whereas Lane/Enzo (whom I gotta assume Lane would have picked) would be more a tossup.

Chenbot gives the guys the chance to plead their cases, and they continue the love fest of final pleas we’ve been seeing for weeks now. And HAYDEN evicts… Enzo! I’m surprised! I really don’t think Enzo’s alleged social game is nearly strong enough to compensate for his WORTHLESSNESS in challenges. I definitely would have taken him over Lane, who’s got a guaranteed vote from Britney and was a better competitor. As Enzo leaves with class, Lane blows smoke up HAYDEN’s ass about how he was totally going to take HAYDEN had he won the final HOH. If that’s true, then Lane is the dumbest person I’ve had on my TV in a long time. And I watch Jersey Shore, Real World, and multiple installments of the Real Housewives.

Outside with Chenbot, Enzo spouts nonsense about how amazing his social game allegedly was and how he could have probably swayed the jury to vote for him based on his “presence.” This man is delusional. He says he’s not bitter about being evicted, as he takes it as a compliment (which it is, no matter how erroneously given), and tries to claim that his poor competition performance was due to being comfortable and not having to try. Um, no. It was due to you sucking. That’s it. They watch the goodbye messages, and Lane (truthfully?) says that he would have taken Enzo to the finals had he won, and HAYDEN explains again that Enzo’s too much of a social threat. In his last words, Enzo thanks himself, CBS, viewers, family, and even his parents for getting drunk and bumping uglies, as he had the best time. I’m glad someone enjoyed your presence on the show. Even if it’s just you.

Ow. You’re crushing my hand. Seriously, bot. HELP!

Flipit: Time for jury questioning! Boobs is out first and her labia is hanging out of that thing.

You’ve outwhored yourself!

 

The audience screams for her. Or at her. I can’t tell. They quiet down when Sheriff comes out though. I hope she tells them about CANCER and wins some points with them. How come the girls are dressed like they’re on their way to a strippers ball and the guys are all in jeans? Tacky. Oh wait, there’s Gaygan! He’s in his Kentucky Fried Gay getup! And he needs to not raise his arms.

Not strong enough for a man/Not made a woman

Brit says that she doesn’t care who’s evicted as long as it’s not Lane. Matt correctly guesses that Pussy is out. Pussy enters looking totally embarrassed. Now you know how New Jersey feels.

Chengelina Jolie opens the floor up to questions. Boobs is first. She giggles, which makes the audience laughboo her. It’s a weird sound. Like a field of cows during an earthquake. Her question is for Lane. She says that the panel has the majority of competition wins this season. LOL!! Yeah, collectively the seven of you had more wins than the one of him, Boobs. Well played. Fucktard. She asks how they can justify voting for someone who can’t win anything. Lane answers that his game was social and “competive” and he did win some competitions towards the end. Of course Boobs wouldn’t have been there for that cuz she was the first one in the jury house. LOOZA!

Brendon asks HAY who he would like to see at the end if it couldn’t be a Duhgade member. Why, Boobdon, of course! LOL!!! Then he backtracks a little and says that he and Brit are the best competitors. Boobs pulls a padlock on her vagina and pouts.

The only one happy with that answer is Britney.

Man, I hope these screenshots will help Boobs realize how important pants can be. Matt asks Lane if he would have taken Britney to the final two over a Duh member. He bullshits his way through and refuses to answer. Chenald Reagan shouts at him to tear down this wall, so he says he would stay a hundred percent loyal to the Duhgade as always. Matt simpers “not a hundred.” HAHAHAH. Lane avoids commenting on that one, too. Sheriff asks if HAY played a better social game than Lane. She does it in the thickest Forest Gump accent she can muster. OK, Nell, we get it. You’re a small town girl. With cancer. STFU and STFD.

HAY answers that he and Lane both had side alliances and were never targets so they’re even. He didn’t give anyone a sperm handshake though and so he should win. Also cuz he won all the competitions. Britney asks Lane what his biggest significant contribution to the Duhgade was. “Three big words all in a row!” Used wrongly, you bimbo. And is biggest one of the big words or Duhgade? Britney is the smartest person on this show, which is just a travesty. Everyone go out and buy a lottery ticket so our education system gets some damn money. Still, LLB!

Lane says that he made them laugh. Then he tries to come up with something else but can’t. When a season makes you long for Dick and Dicklet, you know it’s been a rough year. Gaygan asks HAY if he regrets badmouthing anyone specifically. He does this with huge hand gestures and a pouty face and triangle head.

Gayfalfa

HAY says he was nice to everyone but he’s sorry for shit talking he did in the diary room. He adds that he’s a good guy. Pussy asks Lane if he would really have taken him to the final two if he had a chance. Lane refuses to answer that one too and just says that it would have been tough either way but thankfully he’s incompetent in most games involving thinking or physical ability or pure luck so he never had to make that choice. Chenberry Shortcake asks him if he’s a good guy like HAY, and he says yeah but his balls are way less blue right now.

Coming up, forty five more minutes of stuff! Seriously.

Schoonie: You guys, I realize that I am a total hater and dislike this season more than most, but WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?  Those responses were even more pathetic than I thought they would be.  I’ve seen understudies in third-grade Christmas Pageants with better enunciation than these two have.  The fact that Lane hasn’t been able to complete a sentence on live television makes me positive that they were feeding him lines in the Diary Room.

The and to therefore what have you much

Anyway, time for more fun with the English language!  Final words from Hayden are first.  He asks the jury to vote for the person who played the game the best, and since Hayden won five competitions and Lane won only one, Hayden should win.  He also says something about winning three HOH competitions in a row, which is not possible because of, you know, the rules and all.  Maybe he means three for which he was eligible?  Whatever, you should be better prepared on live television, Hayden.  His speech is pretty good, actually.

Lane, meanwhile?  Not so much.  Lane congratulates everyone for making the jury (?), telling them that they all have “awesome, awesome aspects”.  He also drops bon mots like “I played this game to every aspect!  Competitively, socially, friends,” and generally stumbles all over the English language like Emmitt Smith on a  Super Bowl telecast.

Time to vote, more than an hour into the live show.  I feel like I should go plant a tree or something to make up for watching this.  Rachel and her horrible trashy dress go first, telling Hayden and Lane that she’s voting socially.  Kathy is next, and she’s boring as usual.  Get off of my television, Kathy.  Matt tells them that kicking him out was the best move they made in the game, and that he would have annihilated them in the end. He’s voting on who was the most active in stabbing him in the back.  Well, he may be a douche, but at least he’s not a hypocrite.

Brendon, shockingly, is going to do what Rachel did.  Get ready for that for the rest of your life, buddy.  Ragan will be voting on who was there to actually win the money.  Britney is voting for Lane, so it doesn’t matter what she says.  Did you know her house burned down yesterday?  Sad.  “My decision is between who needs a haircut and who needs a shave,” Enzo says, because he is eighty-five years old and about to change into a pair of shorts and call someone a Judas.  The audience laughs like it’s actually funny.  Also: dude WISHES he could still get a haircut.

LoLo: Love Brit’s dress. And Gaygan’s pit stains.
Does Lane not know the word social or socially?
HAHA of course Sniffles has to agree with Boobs
Enzo’s voting comment? The only actually funny thing he’s said all summer.

Now we get to spend time with the four people we barely remember – Annie, Monet, Dr. Schmekel, and Kristen.

A recap reel of the four of them plays, with a fraction of the nasty things that Monet said about Boobs. Chenbot gives Boobs a chance to speak first in reaction to the clips, and Boobs reacts fairly maturely by saying that she and Monet didn’t really talk that much while Monet was still in the house but she hopes that there are no longer any hard feelings. Monet and her giant chin zit that I can’t stop staring at don’t react as maturely, as she stands by her nastiness and explains that she doesn’t think Boobs is someone she would socialize with outside the house as they’re polar opposites. I would disagree with that. Monet is on the surface just as bad as Boobs, and since Monet seems to have a slightly better grasp on reality – other than thinking she’s pretty enough to model – Monet is actually worse.

I wanna pop that for you

Chenbot then cues up the HAYDEN/Kristen hook up scenes, and declares them officially busted for denying so vehemently that they were in a showmance. Kristen admits that she is now single (and her boyfriend is now presumably banging one of her many friends that we saw him with) and says that she’s open to “whatever” with HAYDEN should he be interested. Chenbot tells HAYDEN that Kristen is open to a romantic relationship, although I think we all heard it go something more like “wrap party fuckfest.” HAYDEN is willing to take Kristen out for pizza, which is probably more than he has to do if he wins to get her into bed. What a gentleman. Next thing you know, he’ll pay for her abortion to further cement his Guy of the Year status.

Turning to Dr. Schmekel, Chenbot asks him what surprised him the most and he says that besides learning that Enzo created the Brigade (what?) and that Boobs has hair extensions (what again – how did he not realize this? She might as well have condoms hanging from her head, those are so synthetic), what surprised him the most was the amount of lies in the house. He calls out Matt for his sick wife lie, explaining that as a podiatrist (with a quick explanation to Enzo that that means “foot doctor”), he knows that Matt was mispronouncing the name of the fake disease. Um, okay? What is your point? Trying to explain that the reason you didn’t recognize the disease was because Matt didn’t pronounce it perfectly? I sure as hell would hope that my doctor could understand what I’m saying to him even if I mispronounce a medical term. I don’t want to go in there and be like, “Hey doc, I think I have mee-tas-ta-tic cancer” and him be like, “Hmm, well I’ve heard of ‘meta-static’ cancer, and I know that means it’s spreading throughout the body, but I’ve never heard of ‘mee-tas-ta-tic’ cancer, so I don’t know what that is. You must be fine then. Good day!”
Chenbot interrupts to remind him that HAYDEN and Lane have no idea what he’s talking about because they’re still in the house, and Enzo has no idea what he’s talking about because he just got out of the house and he’s Enzo. She therefore asks Dr. Schmekel to explain. He says that Matt’s wife is perfectly healthy, and H, L and E gasp in shock. Enzo is unable to string a comprehensible sentence together, HAYDEN compliments Matt on being a good actor, but Lane says that Matt should lie about his dog and not his wife. Well, Lane, if you had seen Matt’s wife when she smiles… Matt says that he has no remorse about the lie as it was effective with some people, but he feels bad that it hurt some people’s feelings. And what a nice little piece of bullshit that was. He’s just mad that he didn’t pick a more sympathetic disease. Next time, that bitch is getting AIDS.
Flipit: Annie starts out this segment by telling the HGs that PussyPussy started the Duhgade and they were all manipulated by him. The audience applauds him for the boring ass predictable season he set up for us all. Gaygan looks like an old man with bells palsy.

Annie says that the girls and Gaygan should have stuck together. LOL. Chencahontas says that Britney just got double talked by an incoherent Lane on national TV about whether or not he would have taken her to the final two. So let’s watch the tape!

After the cumshot, they play the tape of Britney crying when she finds out about the Duhgade. Lane looks like he honestly doesn’t know what answer they’re gonna show him giving. You know he taped like ten different versions of that.

He, of course, says that he would have taken her. HAY and Enzo aren’t too happy with that revelation, but Britney’s crying. She says that she’s glad she stood by her meathead. Enzo tells Chennifer Convertible that he knew…he knew…that’s why he hadda win dat POV cuz he knew….PUSSY YOU KNEW NOTHING. EVER. Yes, he started the Duh. Yes, he came up with some ridonk nicknames. AND THAT’S IT. He throws in a Donnie Brasco reference and then talks about mangia and pizza pie. Lane says that he didn’t tell the jury the truth because he couldn’t find enough words to string together. Now let’s talk about Boobdon!

How did I get stuck with this part? Boobs giggles like a stuck horse and Brendon says that he’s trying to get Boobdon out of Vegas and into his parents’ house. She says that she loves Brendon more than Vegas so “I’ll move to UCLA.” Literally. Cuz his mother is not letting her sleep in the house. Britney looks like she’s gonna throw up. It can’t. Be said. Enough.

LLB!

She mouths “I’m disgusted” at the cameras. LOLOLOLLL. She tells Chenbola Virus that Boobs belongs in Vegas. You can take the stripper out of Vegas, but you can’t take the whore out of Boobs and that shit don’t fly in other parts of the country. Boobs says that it wouldn’t be a mistake to move for Brendon and Brit audibly hesitates. HAHAH. Gaygan muppet laughs and all he will say on the subject of whether or not Boobdon belongs together is “I think Boobs will make a beautiful bride.” You won’t. Even if that shit becomes officially legal. Triangle head. You’re making me stick up for BOOBS.

Annie jokes that her “lifelong friends” sabotage was her and Boobs. Everyone but Boobs laughs, and then Annie admits that she was lying. Brit says that she guessed the saboteur wrongly every time she tried and now she’s pretty much only got Matt as an option. Chenbis Philbin gives everyone a chance to guess and no one does. It was Gaygan the whole time! And he won 20,000! And it was so hard! He had to write a note! Shot of Pussy being completely clueless about who wrote the note. I knew….I knew…..YOU KNOW NOTHING.

Schoonie: Time to find out who wins!  Fuck it, let’s just give more prize money to Sandra from Survivor.  No?  We can’t do that?  Well, let’s get this over with, then.

Rachel voted for Lane.  Kathy voted for Hayden.  Matt voted for Hayden.  Brendan voted for Lane. 
At this point Julie notices that she’s putting the wrong keys in each box and awkwardly switches them, even though no one would ever have known the difference.  Oh, Julie.  I’ll miss you the most. 
Ragan voted for Hayden.  Britney voted for Lane, which means that Enzo’s vote decides the winner.  The winner is… Hayden.  Yay?  I mean, of these three people he deserved it the most, but still: it’s Hayden. 
He hugs Lane, and their shirts briefly cause my television to malfunction.

Fashion lost tonight

Hayden keeps hugging Lane and wandering around the house like an idiot, and Julie has to literally scream at him to get him to head out the front door.  Man, she almost had to use her Inspector Gadget extendo-arms to extract him.

That was awesome. Wanna play checkers?

LoLo: HAHA Chenbot’s voting box mistake.

And so HAYDEN wins – again I’m not surprised with the result, but again I am surprised that it was a close as it was! Due to too much babbling earlier in the show, Chenbot’s got approximately 30 seconds of airtime to announce that Britney wins America’s favorite houseguest, and that’s it! Cue confetti.

So what did you think? Are you surprised that HAYDEN won part 3 of HOH and/or that he won the game? Were you as surprised as me that Lane came as close as he did in both of those scenarios? And are you happy that Brit won the $25,000? I am, but I also would have been okay with Sniffles taking the prize. I like underdogs, even ones contaminated with Boobs’ germs.

I just want to say thank you to both Flipit and Schoonie for an amazing, hilarious summer recapping this ridiculous shit together, and thank them and all of you readers for welcoming me into the Big Brother fold. I had a great time, and I hope you did too!

Flipit: Thanks to you guys for being here this summer and thank you to Chooch and all the gals in the forums who recapped the shit out of those live feeds!! LOVE and see you next time! xo

o