Big Brother: First is the Worst

Tonight on Big Brother, it’s the first live eviction of the season, and it’s between Boob City (Rachel) and Annie, the girl who was my early favorite whom I think is SO going home.

“You’re a whore.”

“EXCUSE me, I’m a chemist!”

“Okay, chemist whore.”

“Thank you.”

Chenbot welcomes us, displaying some Chenclevage to distract us from the little bit of her true self peeking out.  Don’t think we don’t see the hardware, sweetie.

Plug in to the Chenbotbaby recharge system.

She reminds us that tonight they’re prematurely going to reveal the identity of the saboteur, making a lame twist even lamer.  Can’t wait.  My money’s on Sheriff Mascara (Kathy), after her disastrous performance at the Have Not competition.  If it’s not her, then every criminal in America should make a beeline for her town as we now know her weakness.  Mel Gibson could show up, toss a spoonful of caramel on the ground and then punch all the sugar titted baby mommas he wants.

Chenbot leads us in to the eternity-long previouslies, trying to convince us that there’s even a 1% possibility that Brendan will vote out the girl who isn’t playing hide the test tube with him.  After we color in, Hayden shouts at us about how excited he is to put up Annie as the replacement nominee.  He then states that she needs to get her gun and get out of here.  Musical references?  Maybe Dr. Schmekel (Andrew) wasn’t far off when he said that Gaygan and Matt were in a secret homosexual relationship…

Boobs tells us how relieved she is that she Sniffles McGee (Brendan) aren’t on the block together, and miraculously refrains from treating us to another one her inane giggles.  Meanwhile, Annie’s still on the self-destructive warpath she started during the POV ceremony, by claiming that Brit Brit is after her — even though it was Britney who actually gave her an unnecessary head’s up, that Annie then completely bungled.  After muttering “fuck you Britney” while walking by the kitchen, she then lashes out at Sniffles because she feels betrayed that he’d rather protect Boobs.  Okay, first, Sniffles has not yet had to make that choice (although Annie’s right, and he will totally pick the chick who might get his dick wet), and second, being a passive aggressive bitch isn’t going to win any votes at this stage in the game.

“Oh, please.  I’m not stupid, you piece of shit, you’re not going to vote for me.  There’s no fucking way.  You’re totally going to vote for her because you’re a dic— hey, where are you going?  Come back!  I got your vote, right?!”

Pussy (Enzo) and Matt congratulate themselves on running the entire house, which I can’t wait to see blow up in their faces.  Sure, boys, it’s REAL impressive to run the house the first week when one of your alliance members is HOH and no one else wants to stick his neck out and go against the group consensus.  Pussy in particular will be sobbing into his cannoli the second one of this alliance members isn’t HOH.

Annie tells us that she feels bad about acting like an asshole, and wants to talk to Sniffles about how she lashed out at him — and then proceeds to drag him aside and continue her passive aggressiveness by accusing him of planning to evict her over Boobs.  She begins to cry over how embarrassed she is — not embarrassed by her assholish behavior, but embarrassed that she doesn’t have enough votes to stay.  She seems to be missing the connection between those two issues. Sniffles consoles Annie and nearly starts sobbing himself.

“Whhhy, God, whhhy, is this girl I just met on the block in a reality game show?!?

THE INHUMANITY OF IT ALL!”

Okay and now I want to start crying, as he goes straight to Boobs for another slurp session.  Nast.  However, he kills the mood by whining about how upset he is over Annie.  I think Boobs is pissed, but I can’t stop staring at the gulf the size of Texas between her tits to really focus on what she’s saying.  Seriously, the entire cast could curl up in that space during the next lockdown.  Then again, if she pushed them together, they’d probably block her face and make it impossible to talk.  Which might not be a bad thing.  Boobs insists that Sniffles shouldn’t let some girl he’s known for 9 days come between something “real” — as in, the other girl he’s known for 9 days.  And the last word any of us should associate with Boobs is “real.”

Lovers’ Quarrel alert! Sniffles mumbles to Boobs that he *thought* that she was someone could talk to, with emphasis on the past tense.  She picks up on it and he clarifies that she seems more interested in making him feel bad than in making him feel better.  She correctly points out that it’s her ass on the block, and she’s got better things to worry about than her competition’s pity parties.  Sniffles continues to pout, telling us that she seems more concerned about herself than about him.  AS SHE SHOULD BE.  He whines that she should be giving him a hug, prompting another humongous eye roll from Boobs.  What she should be giving him is a tampon because he clearly has a vagina.  Time for her to move on to bigger and better things someone else.

Better to blow a guy who calls himself Pussy than one who acts like a pussy.

Time for the saboteur reveal!  And it’s… Annie?!  Wow, that’s one twist that’s going to be over quickly.  I’m sure Allison Grodner is angrily inhaling ho-hos as we speak, with or without removal of the wrapper first.  Annie shows us how she locked the pantry on day 1 (which surprises me because I honestly thought some PA lackey had locked it), and how she put tape on Brit Brit and Sheriff Mascara’s faces on the memory wall (speaking of Sheriff Mascara, book your Greyhound tickets now for the best looting of your life in Texarkana, Arkansas).  Her latest prank is to plant beeping devices around the house to annoy the other HGs.  Annnd now we’ve reached America’s Player lameness in just three pranks!   I for one am not sad to see this twist come to a premature end.

Upon rehashing Annie’s pranks, the episode resumes with another appearance of the saboteur.  The HGs run over to watch the screen, including Boobs, who gets blurred out for a minute as she shoves a stray nipple back into her tortured bikini top.  How that thing is even partially containing those puppies, I have no clue.  NASA should use that fabric for its astronaut uniforms.  Anyway, the message is a flat-out lie, saying that the saboteur escaped the block for the week.  This makes me assume that the life-long friends message from the other night was a lie as well.  Pussy mutters in retardspeak that they got “saboteured” and that he needs to decipher the message.  While a lie, this shit ain’t complicated, son.  Something like “Mama mia pizza pasta Me no nominated capisce?” may be more his speed.  Annie tells us how proud she is of the message, gloating that it may be what saves her this week.  Excuse me if I’m not following, but how the hell does this help her get votes over Boobs?  Okay, so now no one thinks she’s the saboteur — but no one thinks it’s Boobs either, so there’s no reason to evict Boobs instead of Annie.  Nice work, you accomplished — nothing.  Well, other than looking progressively less attractive on a daily basis.

“Day 4 of Hayden’s no-shower plan — nearing completion.”

Up in HOH, Dr. Schmekel is trying to convince Hayden that the message referred to Sniffles — since he was on the block but then used the veto, hence “escaping” the block.  Hayden shouts to us that Dr. Schmekel makes a good argument that they should vote out Boobs to break up her romance with “the saboteur.”   Meanwhile, Annie begins her campaigning by dropping the “bomb” that Sniffles omitted metioning his scientist background to the collective group.  This is why you shouldn’t tell stupid lies on Big Brother — you always get caught and it’s always such a bigger deal than it would have been.  We all know that if Sniffles had just said he was a physicist, Lane would still be thinking Sniffles shakes and sprays cans of soda at people for a living.  With this new information, Monet crawls out of her giant hole of BORING to tell us that this raises a red flag and she might have to vote out Boobs.  Pussy and Sheriff Mascara echo the sentiment, but I’m not thinking anyone’s really thinking about evicting Boobs over Annie.

Chenbot chats with the HGs, starting by asking Pussy how slop compares to his mother’s cooking.  He compares slop to his ex-girlfriend, not because it’s chunky, smells vaguely unpleasant, and everyone has had a taste, but because he wants nothing to do with it.  I’m sure that’s mutual, babe.  Turning to Sniffles, Chenbot asks what he sees in Boobs other than an emergency IV-drip supply, and he says that she’s intelligent and funny.  Nice try.  We all know he likes to hide in her cleavage when there are scawy thunderstorms.  Chenbot then asks Dr. Schmekel about his favorite saboteur prank, and he amazingly suppresses the urge to Jew out and answers the question normally.  Mazel tov, Dr. Schmekel!

“I can’t believe you didn’t ask about me being a Jew.  Did you not notice?  Should I take it up a notch?”

Annie gets to make her final plea first.  She starts off with the normal sweet talk, but quickly transitions into repeatedly pointing out Boobs’ alliance with Sniffles, and how they’re the next Jeff and Jordan.  Uh, no, because Jordan was actually funny and endearing and Jeff wasn’t a hypersensitive crybaby.  She then directly attacks Sniffles, pleading with the HGs not to underestimate his capabilities and to hurt him now by evicting Boobs.  Chenbot finally cuts her off, and gives Boobs the floor.  She gushes inanely about how much, you know, this means to her, you know, and she wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else, you know, and she’s sure, you know, that they’ll make the right choice, you know.  Lemme channel Dr. Schmekel for a moment here — oy vey.

Time to vote.  Six votes will do it.  Monet’s up first and she votes Annie.  Dr. Schmekel nearly knocks her down while passing her on the way to the diary room, but it’s not like any of us would miss her.   Chenbot makes her first Chenslip of the night on “allegiance” which almost came out as “a-lie-gance.”  Spending too much time listening to Pussy yap on the live feeds, I take it.  Dr. Schmekel votes Annie, as does Lane, Sheriff Mascara, Random chick (Kristin?  Maybe?  Who the fuck is this?), and Sniffles, which makes Annie’s eviction official.  Not like it matters, but Gaygan, Pussy, Matt, and Brit Brit vote the same, making it unanimous.

When bad clothes happen to good people random people who never get airtime.

Chenbot breaks the news, and Annie jumps up and runs for her bag.  At first I think she’s going to leave without saying bye to anyone, but she reluctantly allows the rest of the HGs to hug her before escaping.  On the couches, Annie chalks up her eviction to playing too hard too fast.  I don’t know about you, but I didn’t see that at all.  She was just an idiot who openly sympathized with Sniffles and Boobs when they were nominated, making it too easy to label her an alliance-mate.  At this early in the game, treat the nominees like they have the plague and avoid all association at all costs.  Chenbot reveals that America thought Sheriff Mascara was the saboteur, which shocks Annie and prompts her to call Sheriff Mascara a bit looney.  True, but her ass is still in the house, now isn’t it?  Annie picks Sniffles as most likely to win, but I think he’ll be too busy crying about the monsters in his closet to really focus on the game.  They then watch the obligatory goodbye messages, during which Brit Brit rudely mocks Annie’s shoe and eyeshadow choices, Sniffles nearly breaks down yet again, and Boobs yells that she’s glad Annie’s gone because she tried to get in between her and her (wo)man.  Annie angrily panty flashes us all in response, and declares that she rejected Sniffles first and Boobs just has her sloppy seconds.  I would assume that Boobs is used to and okay with that.  While “real” shouldn’t be associated with her, “sloppy” should.

“LOOK, Julie, this is what he wanted first, OKAY?!”

“Umm, I’m good, thanks.  Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.”

The HOH competition is the standard majority rules quiz, where you try to guess what the majority of the house would answer.  First question — whose life story would make more money at the box office, Sheriff Mascara or Pussy’s?  Majority says Pussy’s, and Sniffles, Sheriff Mascara (haha, asshole) and Random Chick are out.  Second question — who would win the Miss Big Brother bikini contest, Boobs or Random Chick?  Majority says Boobs, and Pussy, Matt and Lane are out.  Third question — who is more likely to put a life-sized sculpture of himself in his front yard, Hayden or Sniffles?  Everyone says Sniffles, assuming he could stop tearing up over Steel Magnolias to find the time to do this.  Fourth question — who has more Facebook friends, Monet or Brit Brit?  After weighing vapid against vapid, everyone says Britney.  Fifth question — who would you choose to cheat off of on an exam, Gaygan or Matt?  Everyone says Gaygan, even though he would make SUCH a bigger deal over it.  Sixth question — who would you prefer to pack your parachute before going skydiving, Dr. Schmekel or Lane?  Majority says Lane, and Dr. Schmekel is out (haha, another asshole).  I say just shoot yourself in the head and save everyone the time and trouble.  Seventh question — who is more likely to talk their way out of a traffic ticket, Brit Brit or Gaygan?  Majority says Britney, and Gaygan is out (haha, yet another asshole and the dumbest of the three for thinking he’d beat the cute blonde).  And for the tiebreaker — guess the number of gallons of caramel used in the Have Not competition.  The closest guess without going over wins HOH.  Britney guesses 41, Boobs guesses 80 and Monet proves the dumb pageant girl stereotype with a guess of 725  (???).  And the amount is 330 making your new HOH… Boobs!  Get ready for another 7 days of slurping and crying.

And ass shots.

So what did you think?  Are you sad that Annie’s gone, or are you glad to see her go?  I had high hopes for her, but she turned out to suck quite a bit once she was nominated.  Did you think she was the saboteur, and are you relieved that the twist is over in the first week?  I am, especially after seeing that Annie’s last prank was what — a roman candle?  Over it.  Who do you think will Boobs nominate for eviction?  I bet she goes after girls — Boobs totally wants to be the center of attention with the guys.  See you Sunday for nominations and the reveal of the saboteur’s identity to the HGs!