Schoonie, Flipit and LoLo here. Another season of Big Brother is almost upon us, and now we have some cast pictures to mock! YAY!!
MONET STUNSON, 24
Model, Glen Carbon, Ill.
LoLo: Self-described as “the coolest person you will ever meet”, this 1st Runner Up Miss Illinois USA 2008 (losing out to what I’m pretty sure is a transvestite) says that a one-episode walk-on role on the Young and the Restless is the accomplishment of which she is the most proud. If I were her, I’d be most proud of persevering with that awful name her parents burdened her with. Ten bucks she breaks into hives whenever anyone mentions “Clueless.” She hates “ditsy, stupid girls” and “trashy bimbos”, so the Big Brother house clearly is a good place for her to spend her summer. Watch for this one to stir up drama as she angles for a television career now that her ass is getting too old for suburban K-Mart fashion shows.
Schoonie: Monet grew up wealthy and still lives at home with her parents. Her greatest accomplishment is that her driver’s license photo is really good. Reach for the stars, y’all! She also says that “Big Brother has had too many trashy bimbos on the show.” That’s kind of the point of Big Brother, Monet. We’re don’t tune into CBS three times a week to see a wine and cheese tasting.
Flipit: Only black cast member. WTF? She’s gorgeous, she has a nice smile, and her name is Monet which means she has parents that think waaaay too much of themselves. She should be a snotty biatch. Love her already. I hope there’s a Picasso here to give her a run for her money. Or a Warhol. That would be a dirty fight.
BRENDON VILLEGAS, 30
High school swim coach, Riverside, Calif.
Flipit: Um, kinda gorgeous and he swims so I’m all for him. Possibly losing his hair, which makes him insecure. Insecurity=attainability. LOVE. I predict I will love him no matter what cuz he’s a piece of meat and Schoonie will hate him no matter what for the same reasons. LoLo is a tossup, but I’m thinking she will feel the love by episode three.
Schoonie: Brendon looks just like every other person who’s ever been on reality TV. His strategy is to get all the girls to like him and then turn them against each other. That’s worked so well in the past, you know? Great way to get the audience on your side.
LoLo: Brenden considers himself “fun”, “driven”, and “intelligible”, which is awesome because I tend to prefer the HGs to be capable of speaking understandable English. I also tend to prefer them stupid as shit, which means I think I’m going to like Brenden. Thank god he’s not “intelligent.” By the way, I hope the admissions counselor at UCLA who allegedly offered this genius a full ride for his PhD in Biomedical Physics is eating a gun right now.
ENZO PALUMBO, 32
Insurance adjuster, Bayonne, N.J.
LoLo: Ew. Ew. Okay, try to think of something else about this guy… Ew. Nope, can’t do it.
Schoonie: Enzo is what happens to The Situation in twenty years. His bio is highly informative, too. Here is an excerpt:
Strategy for winning Big Brother: Winning
Well, shit. I wish I had thought of that.
Flipit: I really like Columbo, so I hope the two letter difference isn’t a huge departure here. I also love Beyonce, and Enzo is from Bayonne. He’s a couple of letters away from me liking everything about him. Which means I will probably hate him. He looks like an old version of Joey Lawrence. And I like Florence Henderson so I can’t make a prediction on this one.
ANDREW GORDON, 39
Podiatrist, Miami Beach, Fla.
LoLo: This one reminds me of Zach from BB8 — huge dork with a bit of a crazy gleam in his eye that makes you wonder if he’s going to stab you in your sleep. He’ll definitely sit there and stare at you, perhaps while wearing that orange tent to hide his boner. His plan is to combine Kaysar’s stupidity, Will’s manipulativeness, Chicken George’s uselessness and Russell’s (Survivor) misogynistic megalomania — while telling other HGs how much he enjoys going to Toys R Us. Congratulations on planning to be the worst HG ever. He will either make it far by not being worth wasting an eviction on (see Zach), or go out early for creeping all the girls out by repeatedly informing them that he’s a “cute, tall, Jewish, single, doctor, father” and then staring intently at their breasts.
Schoonie: Andrew is a podiatrist, which means that he spends his entire day touching things that gross me out. That’s pretty much all this show is anyway, so I’m sure he’ll do well. When asked what he’ll miss the most about the outside world, Andrew’s answered the following: “Not seeing my daughter is always hard, but the most difficult part of living inside the Big Brother house will be not watching ESPN daily.” Yep, you heard it correctly: ESPN > This Guy’s Daughter. Better save the half mil for therapy, Feet Guy.
Flipit: I was just about to make fun of his hair when I remembered reading somewhere that there is an Orthodox Jew this season. Is that a yummycaca thing? Dunno. But I will take this opportunity to say right up front that I’m totally offended Orthodox Jews get so much time off. Do you know if you’re Orthodox you don’t have to work after sundown or some crap like that? NO FAIR!! It’s like Mexicans and their siestas. I am a jealous person. I want to be an Orthodox Jew Mexican in my next life. Naps and no work after sundown. I predict Andrew will be booted after refusing to perform in a night time challenge.
ANNIE WHITTINGTON, 27
Bartender, Tampa, Fla.
Flipit: Pretty girl, but I’m guessing everyone is pretty this year. How is anyone gonna concentrate? I will tell you one thing, I’ve been in the service industry since I was thirteen, and there’s something sinister and bitter that starts happening to a server/bartender’s brain at around 25. You start losing your hair and having nightmares about your dreams being squashed by children with better skin than yours. Therefore, I predict Annie will be a bitter, defensive, villainous bitch. Love her already.
LoLo: Annie is the disappointment of her family, and she knows it. Her brother’s an attorney, her sister’s a CPA, and she’s a bartender who is admittedly overly dramatic, has a life that is “so weird” with “the worst luck”, and is afraid of “getting older” as her questionable looks fade and the cellulite accumulates. So instead of going out there and getting, I don’t know, a real job, Annie’s decided to make her family proud by going on national television and dressing up like a chicken or whatever ridiculous shit they have to go through this year. Not to mention, banging a lot of dudes to feel better about herself. And I mean, a lot of dudes.
Schoonie: Annie lives in Tampa, Florida, which means that she’s probably a stripper. Seriously, roughly seventy-five percent of Tampa residents are strippers. Look that shit up, it’s in the census or something, not even kidding. She mentions that she’d hate to be trapped in a house with racists, and since Big Brother might as well be renamed The Let’s Yell Racial Slurs Hour with Julie Chen, she’s probably made a poor choice.
BRITNEY HAYNES, 22
Hotel sales manager, Huntington, Ariz.
LoLo: At first I thought Britney — a pretty, young, southern blonde — was cast to be this year’s Jordan, but Britney’s bio is all about being a fake bitch. Now that’s something I can get behind. Her plan is to pretend to be nice and pretend to laugh at people’s jokes, while really resisting her favorite pastime of arguing and hiding how grossed out she is by the “old people.”
Flipit: UGH. Big Brother, Janelle has already been on this show. Stop trying to recreate the magic! This girl is busty, pretty, and a real blondie. On top of all that, her name is BRITNEY. I predict she will marry a loser and then become a fat drug addict and show her cooter to the paparazzi while getting out of cars. Then she will sober up kinda and release more terrible music and people will call it a glorious comeback even if she still can’t sing. And does she sell hotels, or does she sell stuff in a hotel? There’s a big difference. I’m calling it, this girl will cry first.
Schoonie: Britney looks just like you’d imagine. What I mean is that if someone asked you to draw a picture of a person named Britney, you would draw exactly this. Britney says that she would hate to live in a house with old people, so she probably has a pathological fear of jean shorts. Britney’s also afraid of birds, so expect a hilarious montage at some point.
KATHY HILLIS, 40
Deputy Sheriff-Sergeant, Texarkana, Ark
LoLo: ACK, Jesus, could we have less of a close-up here? Like, back it on up by a couple yards at least. Sergeant Kathy looks like she’s holding in a shart in this photo, and can someone please arrest her for what appears to be applying mascara under the influence? Haha. Cop jokes. Better buckle up — they’re gonna be lame all season long, folks. And on top of this, Kathy is a cancer survivor and talks about chemo in her bio. What the FUCK am I supposed to do with that? What a selfish bitch. Let us all hope she gets evicted early.
Flipit; The oldest member is 40? Come on!! I was hoping for some angry old man action this year. That said, Kathy is a Deputy Sheriff Sergeant in Arkansas. I’m afraid of her. I hid my weed already. She looks like she’s dressed as Britney for Halloween, so I predict she will be all jealous and evil.
Schoonie: Kathy is the token middle aged woman this season, save for one notable exception: she is a policeman who admits that she likes to street race in her patrol car. Yeah, I wouldn’t count on having a job at the end of the summer. She should probably play it safe and arrest all the other contestants now. Keeps the Oxycontin off of our streets, you know?
RACHEL REILLY, 26
Chemistry graduate student, Las Vegas, Nev.
Flipit: That this girl didn’t have “phone sex operator” under her name floored me. Chemistry grad student? I don’t know what to say about that. She can’t even mix hair coloring properly. I predict she will poison someone in her lifetime or on this season. Possibly accidentally.
LoLo: I’m seriously scared to see what this woman looks like without those 30 pounds of makeup. I’m assuming less like Celebrity Apprentice 3 contestant Maria Kanellis and more like Celebrity Apprentice 3 contestant Goldberg. As for her strategy, she plans to suck a lot of cock. No seriously, how else are we supposed to interpret this: ”I would hustle like I do at work when I get men to buy me champagne. “
Rachel: Rachel has badly dyed hair and is one of those girls who looks 40 but is really only 26. She’s a “Chemistry Grad Student/VIP Cocktail Waitress”, which in Big Brother Speak means she works at Les Deux by night and endures fifteen to twenty minutes of rigorous online course work at the University of Phoenix by day. Her favorite houseguest is Laura from last year, though, so she just might turn out to be awesome.
RAGAN FOX, 34
College professor, West Hollywood, Calif.
Schoonie: Ragan is this year’s Big Brother Homosexual, which means that he has to be cartoonishly gay at all times; this season’s permutation apparently requires the wearing of a bow tie. He lists his favorite castmember as Janelle “because what you saw is what you got”. Yes yes y’all, Janelle keeps it real, from her naturally grown hair right down to her genetically inherited breasts. He also mentions that there’s nothing a good fart joke can’t cure, so I’m sure we’ll be getting a lot of fresh, modern humor out of him this summer.
Flipit: I just moved to West Hollywood! HOLLER! I hope that I run into this guy at Whole Foods so I can make fun of his ties. You know he has like twenty of these in different colors and patterns. Who the hell’s name is Ragan? I’ll bet his name was Reagan and he changed it so the gays in WeHo wouldn’t snicker every time he introduced himself. Wuss!! I predict Ragan will be annoying and take his shirt off too much even though no one wants him to.
LoLo: Wow. I hope this whole black jeans/bowtie/love of performance poetry thing is just a shtick to get him cast on this show. Otherwise, we’re going to have some major hating going on. Ragan seems a LOT like Ronnie, whom I despised. His bio shows he’s a student of the game, with plans to float early while forming a secret alliance, and then glomming on to some big targets that’ll be evicted before he will be when forced to pick a side. He also has the tendency to hold a grudge. Maybe he and Monet can bond on how much their parents must have hated them both from birth.
MATT HOFFMAN, 32
Web designer, Elgin, Ill.
Schoonie: Matt lists “annoying people for my own amusement” as one of his hobbies, which means that I like him immediately. However, he also has a bunch of tattoos and tries way too hard to seem like a badass, so he’s back to even.
LoLo: I officially declare Matt my HG crush. Cute and capable of filling out a CBS bio without coming off like a total idiot, creep or loser. Standards, they be low, but they be there! (See also — all my ex-boyfriends.) His favorite players are Will and Dan, both of whom were awesome. If Matt plays the game slightly like either one of them, I’m definitely going to be rooting for him.
Flipit: This guy looks like a gallon of vanilla frozen yogurt. I predict we will be seeing lots of gums. Oh and he will totally get played by a hot girl and kicked out by week 6.
KRISTEN BITTING, 24
Boutique manager, Philadelphia, Pa
LoLo: Here’s this season’s wackjob. Kristen is into meditating and says that she’s very misunderstood” which is always code for “batshit crazy chick who weirds out everyone else.” She doesn’t like “cookie cutters” and “average joes” (read: sane people), and describes herself as a “quiet storm” (read: passive aggressive psychopath). I don’t see her sticking around too long.
Schoonie: Kristen is extremely hot and describes her occupation as “boutique manager”, which means that she works in the undergarments section at Target. Her shirt is definitely from the Mossimo collection, anyway.
Flipit: This girl is trying so hard to push her boobs out that she’s given herself armpit vagina. I predict that she will be an insecure mess and guys will keep hitting on her armpit.
LANE ELENBURG, 24
Oil rig salesman, Decatur, Tex.
Schoonie: Lane looks like every other Texan who’s been showing up on reality TV lately. I’m willing to bet that he’s going to say a bunch of redneck-y stuff and generally bore me. Also, where’d that shirt come from?
LoLo: Lane seems like a sweet southern boy who may be a bit on the slow side. He refuses to reveal his strategy (which you know is GTL with a little whoring mixed in), and says that his biggest fear is “electric fences.” How the hell often in your life do you come across electric fences? That’s like me saying I’m afraid of a wildebeest stampede like in The Lion King, while I live in downtown Chicago. Then again, he may surprise me and become a significant physical threat… maybe. Is that fat or muscle? Never a question you want someone to have to ask. At least it’s never one I have to be worried about getting asked. This, my friends, is clearly fat.
Flipit: Big Boy Alert!! Mister Dangerous, our lovely commenter, has already fallen in love. Works out too much, has George Clooney hair. All I see here is a teeny tiny penis. I’ll bet he drives a giant ass truck.
HAYDEN MOSS, 24
College student, Tempe, Ariz.
Flipit: This guy takes his photo opportunity to show off his biceps. I think that says enough. CoughJessiecough. The hair is way too much and he’s been in college for six years. He’s either brilliant and going for a major degree or he’s a dumbshit who keeps making his parents pay tens of thousands of dollars a year for school just so he can get a free gym membership. I’ll go with B.
LoLo: YUM. Hayden’s a 24 year old college student (…?) at Arizona State, and is into baseball, boozing and looking hot. He describes himself as “charming” and “not afraid of conflict.” This kid looks like a physical competition dominator, so we should probably enjoy the eye candy while we can before he gets evicted for being too big of a threat.
Schoonie: Hayden is going to buy you some Mike’s Hard Lemonade and take you to hang out with his bros. Hayden will play bags with you on your front lawn. Hayden will sign up for intermural sports. Hayden will major in business but minor in theatre. Hayden will pull out his acoustic guitar in order to woo you. Hayden will play one of the three songs he knows, all of which are by Jack Johnson. Hayden will bore you by the second week.
Big Brother starts Thursday, July 8 on CBS. Come to the gasm for next day recaps!