Big Brother: Get Ready For a Really Tacky Wedding

***Welcome to a group recap of the season finale with all three of your recappers: Schoonie, Flipit, and LoLo! Enjoy! Take it away, Schoon!

SCHOONIE:

Julie’s finale outfit appears to have a black hole at its center.  Don’t look directly at it, for it will draw you into its singularity!

Previously, on Big Brother: the whole damn season.  Some stuff happened, then Rachel cried in a bush and then some other stuff happened.  That pretty much covers it.

In the audience at the Finale: a bunch of white people.

Rachel and Porsche’s outfits are about a 70/30 slutty to formal ratio.  Adam is dressed like the saddest regular at the oldest, most run down bowling alley in your town, the one where the air still smells like cigarettes even though there’s been an indoor smoking ban for ten years and the beer tastes like a thousand years of despair and that one lady with one leg that’s longer than the other and the perm is hanging out at the bar all the time.

Hey, remember last week when the houseguests were rotating in that giant vat of eggs or butter or whatever?  I have had a thought since then: it would be awesome if they contracted salmonella when they fell into it, am I right?

Anyway, Porsche informs us that she has a final two deal with Rachel, so that’s a thing, I guess.  As is par for the course in these challenges, some colorful stuff shoots out at them; some of it hits Rachel, and she’s all “Ugh! It hit me in the face!”  I am not touching that one, for it is too easy.  Just a giant softball, right over home plate.

Adam, meanwhile, is complaining about the competition, mostly because he sucks at it.  And hey, then he’s the first one off.  Yawn.

Once Adam falls, Porsche starts to feel sick, so she checks in with Adam on the sideline (where he’s spent so much time that he’s pretty much the Pam Oliver of this show) to see how Rachel’s holding up.  “I’m feeling pretty nauseous,” Porsche tells us, which is coincidentally how I felt when I realized that there’s no way Rachel is not going to win this whole thing.  It’s best to come to terms with it now, you guys.

Anyway, Porsche gets sick and then falls off, giving Rachel a pass to the final competition. Rachel can’t believe how great she is, calling herself  “a Cinderella story”, which is not a thing you’re allowed to call yourself.  It’s like how when someone tells you that they’re a good person over and over again, it means that they’re actually a really awful person.  In this case, I think it means that Rachel is some sort of pumpkin and/or a witch, or some sort of pumpkin/witch hybrid.

Oh, also Porsche’s so sick from the spinning that she gets stuck in the butter and Adam has to help her out of the tub.

FLIPIT:

We’re back!! The bot has been serviced and has good hair! YAY! I don’t know who’s gonna win this thing, but the new hairdresser should get a prize, cuz Chentilla hasn’t looked this good all season. Let’s get to Part Two of the HOH competition. There’s some big fish tank thing in the backyard with a plastic maze. The heads of the evictees are at the bottom of the tank. Wow. That’s reality justice. It’s like they betrayed the King or some shit.

Damn Protestants! I mean Catholics! I mean Protestants! Fuck all y’all! I got some bitches to bang!

Volvo shows up ready for this. You can tell because she’s curled her pony tail.

It’s called making an effort, Adam.

She reads the rules really badly off the cue cards and then jumps her ass in the tank. She’s been practicing memorizing stuff, so getting the HGs in order shouldn’t be hard. Unfortunately, “I didn’t practice memorizing stuff under water.” I have to pause to write an open letter. Dear American Education System, Please. PLEASE. At least TRY to actually educate our citizens before sending them out to work at strip clubs! Love, Flipit

She can’t hold her breath for very long, and by the time she’s done sliding all the heads through the maze and onto their stakes, she is convinced she’s gonna lose. Come on girl. You can’t hold your breath? You’re up against an out of shape forty something year old chain smoker. I think you’ll be fine. They couldn’t hand this to you more obviously if the competition was picking up dollar bills off the floor with your cooter.

Adam comes out for his turn, and he’s swinging his arms nervously. He’s gonna WIN THIS! RAAAAAARRRRR!! Oh honey, no. No you won’t. He jumps in the tank and moves around like a spaz for awhile before deciding that the stupid goggles they gave him are a hinderance. So he places them gently on the side of the tank in case he needs them later, when he’ll tighten the straps so they fit properly. No. No that’s not what he does. He throws them out of the tank and onto the ground. LOL! Fucking. Useless. He did wear biker shorts under his shorts, though. If the competition was “Who Can Chafe the Least While Doing Nothing?”, he’d totally win this.

You’re an embarrassment to fat bald people.

You know Grodner’s been pissing in that water for a week, so of course it burns his eyes and he decides he needs his goggles back. So he climbs back out to get them. That took what, thirty seconds? So he still has a chance to smoke Volvo. He loses by two full minutes. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

Vovlo is pretty sure that she will be in the final two now, cuz even if Boobs wins, they have a final two deal! And Boobs is nothing if not trustworthy. Draw your own conclusions. Boobs tells us that she has to do what’s best for Brendon and I. Shocker. Now let’s head over to the jury house to watch jealousy and resentment rear its ugly head(s). Dicklet’s all smiles and tan. Dang girl! Stay out of the sun before you turn into a badger.

SHIT I told you! It happened so fast! Poor Dicklet!

They talk about who they want to get kicked out of the house. Dicklet wants Boobs, and Shelly wants Adam. HA. I love that Shelly is a backstabber even when she’s no longer playing the game. Consistency is the key to…I don’t know what it’s the key to. Get some sunblock. You look like an antique Encyclopedia missing all its pages.

Kalia arrives, and says she’s only there because of the hardest HOH of all time. Everyone’s jaws are on the floor when they find out Kalia lost a donut competition. Jordan is next to join the group, and Brendon stands and cheers. What a dick. Shelly is talking a whole lot. I think she’s taking the foreman role. Jordan wants Boobs to win, and Dicklet argues that Boobs hates floaters but is the biggest floater ever because she tried to get on the good side of whoever was HOH. Um…that’s how you play, dumbass. If there’s any argument against Boobs, it’s that she’s an obnoxious, spoiled, deluded bitch face with teeth made out of a toilet lid and a mustache MacGyver would be jealous of. Just say that.

Brendon sticks up for Boobs. He can’t give up now, he’s so close to that money. It’s bad enough he’s marrying her. There’s no way his ass is paying for the wedding. He hasn’t made billions from curing cancer yet. Jeff argues that as annoying as Boobs is (no offense brah), but she at least made an effort to get to the end. Brendon smiles at that and says that Boobs is as smooth as Shelly’s leather ass up against a screen door, but she’s got giant boobs and does whatever he says so she should win.

Kalia has changed her mind about Boobs and likes her now. I don’t really believe that, but Kalia wants an eVite to the wedding to slow her imminent slide into obscurity blogging about stuff she knows nothing about. Shelly says that Boobs is a vile person and she can’t justify giving money to an evil stripper. Jordan gets all uppity with her and says that Shelly is the biggest liar in the house and should shut her stupid face. She doesn’t leave it at that, though. She lets everyone on the jury know that Shelly said horrible things about all of them. Where did this new Jordan come from? I liked the old one, but I like “telling possums off” Jordan, too. I am excited to see her play again on Big Brother 19, 24, and 36.

Dicklet argues with Jordan that at least Shelly’s assholery was part of her gameplay, whereas Boobs is just a terrible person. LOL! Love Dicklet. Jeff says that if the sore losers didn’t like Boobs, they “coulda got her out.” Dicklet’s like um English please and we did try to get her out. How is no one blaming the rigged twist for anything yet? If I were on that jury I’d just answer every question with “RIIIIIIIIIIGGED!”

The discussion turns to Volvo. Jeff hasn’t talked to her the whole summer, which somehow means she shouldn’t win. Sounds like you’re kind of a cliquish asshole to me. I love that Jeff and Jordan’s main problem with Volvo is that she didn’t lick their cornholes. Hopefully, when they appear on Celebrity Apprentice, the Donald will put them in their place so they can hit rock bottom and get legitimately addicted to stuff so their appearance on Celebrity Rehab doesn’t come off as forced and desperate.

Most everyone has a problem with Volvo’s laziness. Man. Too bad there’s no one here to stand up for the lazy slugs of the world. Oh wait. There she is!!

Kalia stands up for Volvo and asks why she should have done anything if she didn’t have to? HAHAH. Good argument. Just say “Dumbledore” so this shit can get real. Jordan repeats her “all Volvo did was walk around in a bikini” mantra. Why is Jordan so offended by that? That’s all she did in her first season, and the only reason she didn’t this time is because there was someone there who looked better in one than she does. Jordan’s coming off as kind of a jealous jerk. Quick. Someone ask her to explain what microwaves are so she can be cute and entertaining again.

The Noobs and Dicklet argue that Volvo’s at least better than Adam, but Jordan says that she’s firmly on Adam’s side because he licked her butt from day one. Jeff blusters on about how important loyalty is to him. Except when he’s breaking his word, lying, or turing on people. Dicklet coins a new term for Adam: “Piggybacker”. Coming from someone who made it to second place riding a washed up coke head deadbeat dad in her season, that’s something. The HGs try to imagine Adam on their backs and look really sad and uncomfortable.

Jeff, way too mad for the occasion, stutters in terrible Douchenglish that Kalia should name one reason Volvo should win. Kalia gives him like ten, but he keeps nahnahnahing her. She calls him a bully and rolls her eyes. He’s like “But youah raisn’ youah voice moah dan me is!” UGH SHUT UP DOUCHE.

LOLO:

Here we go guys!  It’s Volvo versus Boobs’ weave.  I’ll start the conspiracy theories now by saying I think she’s got a midget stashed under there, feeding her answers.  It’s the standard “how well do you know the jurors” quiz — for each of the 6 jurors, Chenbot will read half of a sound byte that jurors gave while in the jury house.  Chenbot will then provide two possible endings to the sound byte, and the girls will need to pick which ending is the correct ending.  For each correct answer, Volvo/Boobs get a point.  Anyone else wish this was a VIP cocktail waitress showdown?  Whomever can deliver the most martinis without spilling in 90 seconds wins — bonus points for covert handjobs or snorting of lines.

Question 1: Sniffles said the moment in the house he’s afraid to have his friends and family see is A) the second eviction; B) sucking ass in the endurance competitions; or C) none of the above — they’ve already seen his schlong on YouTube.  Both girls pick B, but both girls are wrong as the correct answer is A.  Damn, Boobs just let a quiz question come between her and her man.  Score is tied at 0.  By the way, we should totally have a drinking game for every fuck up during this live show.

This counts.  Bottoms up!

Question 2: Dicklet said the most shocking moment was when A) America voted Sniffles back in;  B) she found out Dick wasn’t coming back; or C) when we actually liked her for a few weeks.  Volvo and Boobs both pick A at first, but Boobs changes her answer at the last minute to B and gets scolded by Chenbot’s time management software.  But it was worth it, as she was right!  Boobs 1, Volvo 0.

Question 3: Shelly said her fatal error was A) turning against Jeff/Jordan; B) voting to evict Jeff one week too soon; or C) 30 years of chain smoking.  Both girls pick A, both are wrong again.  Riveting.

Question 4: Jeff said the best thing about being in the house was A) spending time with Jordan;  B) getting rid of Dicklet; or C) setting Kalia straight about what happens behind closed doors at magical fake schools.  Both girls immediately turn to B, and the audience cracks up, as do I.  Jeff goes the nice guy route and says A, so both girls are wrong yet again.  For that, maybe Jordan will flash him a boob tonight while giggling that he saw her “Mr. Nipples.”  Still 1-0 in favor of Boobs.

Question 5: Kalia said the biggest lie told in the house was A) that Adam was loyal to the newbies; B) anything that came out of Shelly’s cancer hole; or C) that she wasn’t playing Dicklet’s game.  Volvo picks A, Boobs picks B — and Boobs is right, winning part 3 of the HOH competition as she is now 2-0 with only 1 question left.  YAY!  She has a complete fucking meltdown as can be expected, grabbing the fun bags as she jumps up and down to prevent them from flying up and knocking her unconscious before the jury vote.  We get some patented tearless Boobs crying (aww, aren’t ya gonna miss it?) and — holy shit, why is Volvo wearing a muumuu?  Or is that a car tarp?  Is this her way of symbolizing that she is done for the season?

pic of porsche standing up in that hideous dress after rachel won, directly next to:

If this is what she was going for, then mission accomplished.

SCHOONIE:

Back from commercial, Adam’s dad (I think) looks just like that Andy Kaufman fake lounge singer character with the terrible personality.  Tony Clifton! That’s his name.

And also if you’re wondering where Adam got the special blend of desperation, mediocrity, and constant need for attention that he has come to be known for, here is your answer:

Even Farrah is embarassed, and she dates Adam, you guys.

So, who is Rachel going to evict?  Julie gives them each have one last chance to say something.  Porsche: “Rachel, we were allies in this game during the times when it benefited me, and thus we should go to the end together because we are really good friends.  We are really good friends in that way that people can be really good friends when there are only two other people to talk to and one of them is Adam.”

Adam: spends his time spouting a prepared speech about how much of a floater Porsche is.  Seriously:  The thesis statement of Adam’s argument is that when given a choice between taking Adam and Porsche, you should choose to take Adam because Porsche is a floater.  As in,  Adam is the better option, when it comes to not floating.  Stick THAT in your Keurig and prepare a single-sized portion of your favorite hot beverage to enjoy on a cool fall evening.

When it comes time to actually evict someone, Rachel makes the whole thing about her.  I know that this floors you.  You know how it goes:  she was a target the whole time, she had to win, blah blah blah, she deserves her spot, and then she evicts Adam and starts crying about how hard it is for her to, you know, be so awesome.

But whatever, let’s not distract from the fact that Adam has finally been evicted, which should have happened weeks ago because he is clearly well past his sell-by date on his schtick.  Of course, he needs to be as desperate and pathetic as possible, so he screams like a banshee before he heads out the front door.  But no!  It’s not over!  Because he is contractually required to be the worst at all times, he fucking mugs for the audience, begging for applause and praise that they are clearly reluctant to give him.  He mimics the Hulk Hogan wrestling gestures, jumps all over the stage, stands on Julie’s mark and blocks the shot, he just does all the awful things in the world at once.  All the things.

Oh, except for giving Julie the most uncomfortable hug in the world,  which he saves for last, like the pathetic cherry on top of a desperate  attention-starved sundae.

Rupert did this, you guys.  Rupert is the Patient Zero of this particular brand of asshole, Guy Who Is Convinced That He Is Adorable And Thus Everyone Should Cheer For Him.  If you are looking for someone to blame, blame Rupert.

Julie asks Adam if Rachel made the right decision in evicting him.  Julie’s clearly fishing for Adam to say that he was so inept at challenges and also the game and also at life that he would have been an easy person to beat in the finals, because he has literally no argument whatsoever for the win and thus Rachel should have evicted Porsche.  Instead?

Adam: “Yes Rachel did make the right decision Julie, because if she had evicted Porsche, I would’ve won.” (smug grin while he waits for the audience to applaud in agreement) (crickets)

Julie tries to throw to commercial, but Adam’s so busy jumping out of his seat and demanding that everyone love him that he stands right in front of Julie and completely ruins up her shot, so much that she shoves him out of the way in exasperation.  There is a brief moment where her composure fades, and you can see on her face that she would sell her firstborn for a single tranquilizer dart.  I feel you, Julie.

FLIPIT:

The jury is brought out. Jeff is in a sloppy untucked dress shirt that doesn’t fit. If you’re gonna be a slob, could you be a slop in a wifebeater? I find that I hate him unless he’s silent and half naked. Shelly is dressed like a woman, which is awkward. She makes Tootsie look like a smooth sophisticated lady. Jordan is letting her armpit fat fly free, which makes me feel super proud of her.

Adam is the last to be introduced, and he put on his best white trash wedding outfit on for the occasion. He’s hamming it up and raaaring at the crowd, and those dopes just cheer like he’s the best thing that’s ever to happened to them. I wish this was like the UK Big Brother, where the audience boos and throws shit at people they don’t like instead of being all fake like we are here. Tara Reid looked shocked when she was jeered, and the hundreds of boos crushing her ego to smithereens was the best moment of the season. Wait. Wrong show.

Back to someone that sucks even more than Tara Reid.

Chenberly tells Adam to sit his useless ass down so the jury can ask their questions to the final two. Brendon goes first. He tells Boobs that everyone in the jury has called her a c word so why should she win? A: Because she can’t get a magazine with any money to sponsor her wedding? She’s no Kardashian, k? She apologizes for being a bitch and says that her bitchiness should be rewarded cuz it was gameplay. Then she lists her resume yet again. She was nominated four times, she won five things, she can get a garden hose through her mouth and out her baby maker faster than anyone there without choking. Chenriquez smacks her on the head with a fly swatter for talking too much.

Jordan asks Volvo why she should win when she looks better in a bikini than Jordan and tried to poison the protein powder with Metamucil. Volvo says something, but she’s so monotone and lame I can’t make myself catch it.  Kalia asks Boobs what she did in the game other than win evictions and give America giant laughs with her sad, obnoxious personality. Isn’t that enough? Boobs gives the same speech she gave to Brendon, only less coherent. She adds that she made a good move by evicting Kalia, cuz Kalia’s like really super good at the game and stuff. Kalia smiles. That’s all she really wanted. But she’s still not gonna vote for your stupid ass. Boobs ends by saying that after Brendon got evicted twice, she had to pretend to be a decent person for a few weeks because she didn’t have her meat head to shield her, and she actually did it. That, I’ll give her mad props for. Breathe a sigh of relief, girl! You can go right back to being an asshole again in about half an hour!

Shelly asks Volvo when she decided to get out of bed and start playing. LOL. Volvo reminds them that she couldn’t play for the first month, and her partner screwed up her entire game plan. When it counted, she won, and when she didn’t have to put the house to sleep with her personality and wasting our time with her terrible reading skills on the diary room cue cards, she didn’t. That’s a good argument. I wish she was using that “stay silent and lazy” strategy right now, cuz my mind is wandering and I’m wondering who invented curbs….

LOLO:

Final speeches time!  Boobs is up first, and she rehashes what she said during the Q&A — target since day 1, nominated a ton, won a bunch of competitions (glossing over that big ol’ dry spell in the middle).  She then talks about how she “explosed” Dicklet’s “blackdoor” plan.  And by blackdoor she means backdoor, not some secret racist plot.  Although that would be a lot more interesting than this retread of Boobs’ accomplishments.  She kisses Kalia’s ass again by saying that Kalia would have won had she been in the final two (HAHA, yeah right, she clearly thinks that Kalia is the swing vote on this jury), and talks about how she had to actually pretend to be human and play a social game once Sniffles was evicted the second time.  Despite it being redundant of what she said earlier, it’s an effective speech that highlights competition performance, rising to the challenge of having a target on her back from day 1, and a decent social game once she was forced to play one.  Boobs SHOULD win this thing, and the speech does a good job of laying out why.

Congratulations.  I no longer just hate you for being useless.  Now you’re an annoying camera whore too.

Volvo and her fringey muumuu argues that she should win because “she played in competitions.”  Umm, because the show forced you to?  That’s like me telling my boss I deserve a raise simply because I show up every day.  Which would be AWESOME but isn’t going to happen.  She finally manages to point out that she won 4 of them — something she should have said earlier, but no one’s ever thought she’s the quickest on her feet unless there’s a cocktail that needs to be delivered, stat.  Or a sale on Juicy sweats.  She briefly mentions that she played the game without getting nasty with anyone — something that she should really focus more on as it seems to be the major gripe against Boobs.  However, the crux of her argument is that since they gave her a Golden Key in week 1, they should stick by her and give her $500,000 now.  Huh?  Sweetheart, you were up against Pastor Peen in week 1, an annoying imbecile who self-imploded.  They didn’t vote for you — they voted AGAINST him!  Hanging her hat on the Golden Key argument makes zero sense, so I’ll declare Boobs the winner of this debate.  The loser: Volvo.  And us for having listened to it.

Sniffles is up first to vote, and his new charming persona that we’ve seen in the jury house continues as he jokes that he’s mad at Boobs for landing him in the jury house for 5 weeks but then says that he knew she could go far in the game and that he’s proud of her and loves her.  It’s so bizarre to me that I like both of these idiots when they’re separated from each other.  Too bad they’re AWFUL together.  Like cheddar cheese and cake frosting.  Dicklet is next, and she says that she loves Volvo and Boobs is lucky that it’s not a personality contest — implying to me that Dicklet did the right thing and voted for Boobs. Assuming that she did, that pretty much guarantees a Boobs victory as she should have Sniffles, Jeff and Jordan’s votes at least.

The audience is still chuckling over Dicklet’s snotty comment when Jeff walks up.  He says that he doesn’t have anything cute — or insulting — to say, and votes without further enlightening comment.  It’s safe to assume that it’s for Boobs.  Shelly also votes without any indication as to whom it’s for, but I think it may be for Volvo since she hated Boobs so much.  Kalia makes a bunch of weird humming sounds as she runs up to the voting block — for those feedwatchers out there, you know this bitch never stopped singing all season until threatened with a penalty nom — and says “pajama pajama!” which makes her sound even dumber than usual but appears to be a private joke with Volvo — so likely a vote for her.

“I just want to say congratulations, and if you guys don’t mind swinging by the kitchen and grabbing some Fritos on your way out, I’d really appreciate it.”

Jordan tells Boobs that she missed her and then half-heartedly says congrats to both girls and that they did good.  A clear Boobs vote.  Finally, it’s Adam’s turn and it’s as obnoxious as I feared.  He rants that he would have won the game had he been in the final 2, he would have won part 3 of the final HOH had he played, and he would have won part 2 of the final HOH had he not thrown his goggles and been a smoker.  The only one of those that is even possibly true is that he could have beaten Boobs’ super impressive 2/5 record during part 3.  Frankly, I’m surprised he didn’t drown during part 2.  Slash disappointed.  To put some icing on the obnoxious cake, he adds in that he’s going to win All-Stars “when he comes back.”  Dear Big Brother Producers — Don’t you even fucking THINK ABOUT inviting Adam to All-Stars.  Love, America.  I assume he voted for Boobs, but it’s unclear.  Who fucking cares — I think Boobs has this anyway.  Get off my TV, you useless shit.

SCHOONIE:

It’s my last recap ever for TVGasm, and I have to recap the Dick segment?  I suppose this is appropriate.  What if I just refuse?  Like, what if I just talk about Breaking Bad for a couple of paragraphs?  You guys would be okay with that, right?

Anyway, here are the pre-jury houseguests, including Keith’s evil Joker flower that will poison you if you smell it.

Of course, as in all things, we must start with Dick.  Hey Dick, why don’t you talk shit about your flesh and blood on national television?  “Why yes Julie, I am happy to oblige you and sell out my kid because I am a heinous monster who roams the Earth, and camera time is the only thing which gives me sustenance.  My daughter is stupid!  Isn’t she STUPID, everyone?  Never mind that she’s spent the four years since we last appeared on television becoming a mature adult (despite the mountain of issues I have clearly foisted on her since the moment of her birth) while I have remained the same awful person I have always been!  She made a bad move, a bad move that I myself would inevitably have also made around the same time, because Rachel was a threat to my camera time, and as we have discussed, I need it to live.  Next question.”

Cassi!  What’s up witch yo fine ass?  What surprised you the most about this season, Cassi?  Cassi tells us that Shelly made some pretty drastic game moves, which surprised her because Cassi thought Shelly was just a sweet mother figure.  Julie is all “Awww girl, you did not just say that!  Shelly, Cassi called you a bitch, what do you have to say in response?”  Everyone collectively is confused, but mostly Shelly, who reminds Julie that it’s a game and manages to get through her whole answer without mentioning Jeff and Jordan, which is a rarity, and which also means that we need to hear what Jeff thinks.  Jeff tells Julie that they’re working on being friends again.  That’s good to hear! I haven’t been sleeping at night, so concerned have I been with the status of their friendship.  I can finally concentrate on work again.  It’s just been so hard, you know?

Kalia, since we don’t care enough to hear from Keith or Dominic and Lawon is nothing but a collection of racist tropes, is there anything you’d like to say?  Kalia takes the opportunity to restate that she did not, in fact, just do what Daniele told her.  She played her own game, and it involved sleeping a lot and annoying everyone who watched the show, so there.

Jeff, what’s your relationship with Daniele like?  “Not everybody likes each other in this room, that’s understandable.  I don’t dislike Daniele…well, I guess I do dislike her,” (crowd laughs at how adorable he is), “But that’s okay, not everyone has to like each other.”  No opportunity for a response from Daniele, I guess.  It doesn’t matter, she’s just a stupid girl anyway.

Coming up: We’ll find out who wins, and also Julie will announce who won America’s Favorite Houseguest.  The look on Adam’s face makes it clear that he’s convinced he’ll win.  Delightful, that guy!

FLIPIT:

Time to crown the winner!! It’s between the stripper dressed like the Little Mermaid or the stripper dressed like Mrs. Roeper.

The votes:

Brendon: A house

Dicklet: Volvo

Jeff: Boobs

As I look at this jury I get scared. The only way Boobs can win this is if either Adam or Shelly vote for her. Adam thinks he actually has a chance of at least getting to third with Volvo, so that’s out, and Shelly said openly that she can’t vote for a horrible person. Was taking Volvo the wrong choice?!?

Shelly: …..BOOBS!!! Way to flip the script again, Shelly! What a lying bitch HERO!!!

Kalia: Volvo

Jordan: Boobs

Ad….Never mind Adam! Boobs wins! HAHAHAH! I love that even Adam’s jury vote is USELESS!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Boobs squeals and jumps up and down, hitting her saline sacks up against her toilet lid. When she walks out of the house and into the studio, her entire wardrobe is dropped on her head.

Aw! Don’t worry, Mrs. Roeper! One day you’re gonna meet a perverted grouch named Stanley, and you guys will get married and buy an apartment complex and become frienemies with Jack Tripper the kinda maybe gay guy. Cheers and hugs all around! And what would BB without a technical issue to finish us off?

LOLO:

YAAAY BOOBS!!!!  After the last commercial, Chenbot announces that Adam continued his bullshit bitter bitch attitude by voting for Volvo to win, making the final count a 4-3 victory for Boobs.  Very nice — first you shit all over Volvo during your plea to Boobs to go to the final 2, and then you turn around and reward what you just criticized 30 minutes ago?  Gross.  Do I just have extra rage tonight, or is Adam pissing anyone else off as much as he’s pissing me off?  Also, props to Shelly for voting for Boobs despite their rocky relationship.  I was happily surprised by that decision. On the other hand, I’m disappointed in Dicklet.  She spent SO much time this season talking about making big moves and respecting people who actually play the game — and she somehow thought that meant voting for Volvo.  My only guess is that she considered a Volvo win a Dicklet win by proxy, as Volvo was her minion.

As for the juror prize — Jeff Dumbledored the competition yet again and won for the second time despite any homophobic controversies.  “Hmm, he hates the gays but he’s really cute with those dimples and that accent.”  That’s America for you!

“Thanks, man.  And who are you again?”

Well that’s it guys!  I’m SO happy Boobs won, as she clearly deserved it of those three idiots.  What did you think?  Are you glad she won?  Were you surprised by the close vote or any juror’s vote in particular?  And are you surprised that America gave Jeff another $25,000 despite the Dumbledore controversy?

Thanks for being here for another great summer!  I love sharing in this ridiculous show with all of you, and truly enjoy reading your comments.  Also, thanks to Flipit and Schoonie for being the best recap partners in the world.  Love you all and see you next year!

***And that’s it!! We had a fantastic time with you guys this season. Thanks so much to Chooch and all the gang in the forums kicking ass all Summer long on the Live Feed Coverage!! This is Schoonie’s last recap at the gasm. WHY GOD?!?!? WHYYYYYYY?!?!?! We’ll miss you buddy. I pray you will come home when you realize you need to rip idiots apart next Summer. It’s in your blood, bitch!! Here’s to a killer five years at TVgasm! Your gold watch is being emailed to you. Soon. Very very soon.

To celebrate his last night with us, Schoon joined me (Flip) and J-Mo for a supersized BB Podgasm. Check it out here. LOVE and thanks to all y’all. xo