Big Brother: Grown Man Pees Pants

Previously on Big Brother, Volvo tried to keep her pants on,

Jordan and Boobs cried a lot,

And Grodner worked her wily ways to keep the Vets in the game by letting Boobs hang onto a dummy with a Neanderthal face for half an hour.

If this dummy knew how to talk down to her, she’d marry it right now.

There are only five people left, which means tonight’s show should be super exciting. Don’t worry, though, there’s a celebrity surprise! How are they gonna top Hasselhoff? They’re really gonna have to pull out their A List guns tonight. We open where we left off, in the middle of the HOH competition. Poor Adam. Grodner gave him a freaking donut competition and he’s still not gonna be able to pull it out. Kalia is having some issues getting through the icing goo, so she just farts in it a lot and wears a pretty smile.

Wadn’t me!

Again, this competition is totally unfair. Boobs has a clear advantage here, as she does this with Brendon’s newspaper every morning.

Adam tells us that there was one vote to kick him out this week, and he knows that Boobs and Jordan didn’t split, which means it was Kalia! How dare she!! Hey, Kalia! You better watch out! He’s after you now! All he needs is one back hair braiding competition and you’re OUT! And the world trembles in fear.

Jordan says that Shelly was a dodo bird for turning on her and Jeff. Why, if she had just been true to them, she would still be here! Jordan would have been protecting her right now! Um…how would you have been protecting her again? You don’t win crap, either, girl. I guess she means she would have been making Jeff protect her. She’s done as little as Adam, but she’s adorable, she talks funny, and she’s a legitimate idjit, so I still like her. It’s called hypocrisy. Get over it.

Kalia actually feels bad for voting against Adam. She would have done whatever Boobs and Jordan told her to, but they didn’t tell her anything so she had to guess. This is not the season of the vagina just because there are four women standing at the end. It’s the season of the pussy.

Meanwhile, Shelly’s face turns black and white. It finally looks normal.

Why, how charming! I don’t even have an angry possum joke for this pic! Well done! Now just live the rest of your life in black and white.

And cut back to the HOH competition. Vovlo shouts that Adam’s in second place, but I find that really hard to believe. His basic strategy is to not fall asleep and that seems to be working, so good for him. But second? Doubtful.

Sad farting clown horns are playing, which means it must be time to focus in on Kalia. She can’t move, and it’s HILARIOUS. As Boobs mocks her in the diary room and says she should have worked out once in awhile instead of sleeping, Kalia tells us that this is the hardest thing she’s ever done in her life. And I believe her. She doesn’t seem like the type that’s been through…anything. Ever.

Boobs wins this one handily, and Jordan comes in right behind her. As was easily predicted, Adam’s was one of the lowest stacks. But that was sweet of Volvo to try and fill him with some self confidence. AW! Usually VIP waitresses make homely guys feel good with blow jobs. You’re learning WORDS, girl! Good for you!! You might not leave the house with half a million bucks in your pocket, but you’ll go through a lot less mouth wash now that you can talk right. And isn’t that the real prize?

Boobs, humble as ever with her win, squeals like she just got out of marrying ketchups for the day and shouts “This is for you, Brendon!” Shhhhh. Brendon’s trying to concentrate on curing CANCER right now, k? Kalia was rooting for Adam to win, which is a pretty sad waste of time. Anyway, what makes you think he would help your stupid ass if he had won? What does a floater do when there’s no one to float to? We’re not gonna find out today. Adam vows to stay firmly on Boob’s and Jordan’s side. Until the next competition he loses.

Kalia is rightfully devastated that she lost. She asks us how the hell Boobs is even still here when they have been trying to get rid of her for so long. Um…I think it’s because you decided against evicting her and got rid of poor stupid LaWrong for no reason instead. Stooooopid.

Boobs and Jordan convene in the pantry to talk secretly. That seems like the absolute wrong place to try and hide with Volvo, Kalia and Adam in the house, but whatever. Boobs can’t wait for everyone to kiss her butt and make deals with her, and somehow they decide that they need to make sure they have Adam on their side. He changes all the time, why would they believe him? At least Kalia sticks to her word. Or maybe I just think that because she’s said it enough times to brainwash me. I think they just want to keep him cuz pickins are slim in these parts and they don’t want to have to watch Kalia stand around and wonder what the hell she just pulled out of her ear.

Is this a Frito crumb?

I have really had a great time recapping this show this summer and reading all of your comments. I want to give something back to you guys, but I’m kinda cheap and if I tried sending out cards, people would get left out. So here’s my gift of thanks to you:

You’re welcome.

Now when you’re all done finish jerking off, come back here for the rest of the recap.

You back?

Sorry I can’t help myself.

Kalia is in the shower and asks Adam to come over as the Jaws theme plays. She tells him she’s so sorry she voted against him, but she thought that’s what the other girls were doing and she was trying to vote with the house. He backs away from the shower as quickly as possible while poking at his eyes with a hair pick. He tells her not to worry about it, but tells us that she can shove her sorry where the sun don’t shine. He needs to be more specific, cuz that could be anywhere on her. Her word means nothing to him!! And that’s something coming from the guy who’s changed sides every week. Whatever. All I ask is that you do have your meaningless conversations outside the bathroom. Your nudity makes me sad and hungry.

Later, Volvo and Adam sit around talking about how they need to win the next competition since it will probably be one of them on the block. Volvo says it’s “Muy importante.” Damn, she learned Spanish, too? You’re gonna be moved up to VIP Hostess, if you keep that there learnin’ up! You guys are never gonna believe what Kalia’s doing right now.

Sleeping.

Boobs is disgusted. She lost all her wedding weight here and Kalia’s done nothing but fart in her sleep. She says they call her Koala, because those nasty animals sleep for twenty hours a day and spend the other four blogging about stuff they know nothing about.

Boobs squeals out her obnoxious “WHO WANTS TO SEE MY HOH ROOOOOOM?!?!” cackle and dry cries when she sees that it’s full of pictures of Bendon and I. The girls are all shocked at how horny they are getting over the pics of Brendan with hair. They talk about how hot he used to be. LOL. Even Jordan wants to bone him.

Later on, Kalia corners Boobs alone in the HOH room. This should be good, since Kalia’s spent the better part of the summer mean girling Boobs. She says that she has to really prove to Boobs that it would be wise to keep her. I can’t think of a single reason, and it seems that Kalia can’t, either. She stutters on and blahs about how she doesn’t wanna go home because she’s fought real hard to get Boobs out this whole time be here and people like Adam have done nothing but clog up the drain with back hair. Boobs is awkwardly silent during most of this, because Kalia’s making a total ass out of herself and the only time Boobs will point that out and openly mock someone is when she has her tiny dicked Neanderthal to hide behind.

Kalia can see that her “I deserve this” speech isn’t working, so she switches to the “I had you pegged wrong from the beginning!” No, no you didn’t. You had her pegged as a vindictive blowhard. You did nothing but go against her, and now you’re gonna pay, heifer. Take it like a man. Boobs, seemingly agreeing with her, says that she truly believes that the most deserving should be at the end. “It’s a travesty that Brendon, Dicklet and Jeff are in the Jury House!” First off, wow for using travesty. And second, what makes someone “deserving” of winning Big Brother, exactly? I’ve never understood that. Those fools were all outplayed by a bunch of slugs and they’re only still here because of a magical twist. How is that deserving? I’m never donating to starving African children again until they prove why they deserve it.

How many donuts did you carry in your mouth through all the icing? That’s what I thought. Go take a nap.

Kalia decides that since none of this is working, she’ll do what she has done every time she has a craving for an actual man instead of a rabbit. She begs. Then she cries ugly. Boobs sits there really uncomfortably while I laugh and laugh. When Kalia has calmed down a little bit, Boobs asks her if she plans on taking Boobs and Jordan to the final three. Why, of course she does!! And Kalia tells us that since she is no liar, she plans on sticking to that and dumping Volvo like an inedible potato. But wait. Doesn’t that mean you lied to Volvo? No, it must not. Because you always keep your word. I feel for Kalia. She looks like a damn fool whenever she opens her mouth, and she no longer has sweatshirts to fit.

You guys wanna know why I think Boobs is freer without her Neanderthal around? A. She’s about a quarter as obnoxious as she is when he’s there and B. She actually shows her boobs again instead of hiding in shirts with cloth on the torso. That’s a sign. Find a better man, girl!

Welcome home, girls!

And now for the best scene of the week: Boobs talking about being a shitty driver. She has to get Brendon to be the primary on their insurance because she keeps getting into wrecks. She’s either checking her weave or toilet lid teeth in the mirror, combing her mustache, looking at a cute dog and then BOOM. She runs into someone’s car. LOL! She starts listing her accidents and goes on and on and on and on. It’s sad for bimbos, cuz when they’re 20 and all boobs, no one really cares. But when you age even a little (25 is senior citizen in that world, remember) it goes from “Don’t worry, honey, I’ve got good insurance. Can I get your number anyway, though?” to “You stupid fucking hag! You hit my car! The payments on this thing cost more than your cheap ass imported tits you COW!” Sad used to be a pinup horns.

Now it’s Volvo’s turn to go up to the HOH room and beg. She does it in her typical sputtery broke down Volvo way: “So…like…you’re like…I don’t know what you’re gonna like do…..” Boobs watches her try to speak. My sister used to do that with my niece. If she wanted a cookie, my sister would just stand there and watch her until she could form the word “cookie.” There was crying, sadness, confusion…It didn’t work. My brother in law would always come in and put a cookie in the kid’s mouth to shut her up, and that kid learned how to say “YOU’RE MEAN!” before she ever learned “cookie.” I forgot my point.

Boobs lets Volvo sputter, and then says that she needs a promise to take Boobs to the final three. Volvo shrugs and says that she would. Boobs kinda laughs at the zero effort Volvo’s making here and asks if she can trust her. “Pshaw!” Oh, Volvo. My high hopes for your improving language skills just crashed and burned.

But…like…you’re….um……………the defense rests, your honor.

Boobs tries to have a saline sack to saline sack with her ex friend. She doesn’t understand what happened betweeeeen theeeem! “It could have always been me and you!” Volvo has zero to say about that. Come on, Volv! Make an effort! Hug her! Tell her you were jealous of her perfect relationship or killer body or giant toilet lid teeth! She refuses, just sitting there as slackjawed as ever. She makes a couple empty promises and Boobs dismisses her.

Jack in the box music is playing, so it’s time for Adam. He’s lying in bed telling Jordan how much he misses his girlfriend and can’t wait to bone her. EW. I don’t know if she’s gonna be the same when you get home. She’s just had to suffer though a whole summer of people coming up to her in the grocery store to ask why she would date such a useless slug. That can put a damper on things. She’s probably replaced you with another guy who loves appletinis and Tori Spelling. A gay guy from the 90′s. He tells Jordan that one time his gf got mad cuz he called her Donna Martin while he was boning her. There have been questions about Adam’s sexuality, and I say when you’re dreaming of a TV star that’s like ten times as manly as you, you’re probably a mo. As sad as it makes me to say it. Montage of Adam talking about Tori Spelling obsessively and Flipit throwing up a pounder bag of M&Ms.

Jordan says that if she ever saw Tori near Adam in real life, she would advise the girl to run. LOL. Well you might get your chance, cuz there’s a celebrity guest tonight and lord knows that cow ain’t busy.

Boobs gets a Pandora’s box!! Tori Spelling comes on the TV to promote her wedding show, lots of clothes, and a probably misshapen baby inside her belly. Boobs will get a shopping spree with Tori Spelling if she opens the box. Was nuclear holocaust not available? WTF? Who the fuck would want to shop with Tori Spelling? She’d bitch the whole time about what a c word Candi is until ya gave her some sugar cubes to shut her up. And who carries around sugar cubes?

Open the box and buy Tori’s lumpy baby.

Boobs reads “remember with every tamptation comes a consequence!” HAHAH. I don’t know why that made me laugh so hard, but I rewound four times. She says that she’s not gonna take it because it would have to be Brendon and a free wedding. But Boobs, there might be glitter tube tops in there! She takes it. Because in the end, they ALL take it.

She goes into the closet and she gets a shopping spree with…JESSE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! I love that it’s been all these years and Jess is still in the closet. I want to marry him.

You’ve got a little Grodner juice on your mouth.

How the hell is always back in this house? HOW? Is Chooch writing the plotlines for this show now? Boobs is pissed. She thought she was getting to meet a talking horse and it’s just Jesse. “He is NOT a celebrity.” HAHAHA! Jesse shows of his glitter underwear and offers her her shopping spree. Protein powder with his face on it, tiny child condoms with his face on them, man wax with his face on them. Meanwhile, downstairs the doorbell rings and it’s Tori!

Margaret Cho goes blonde.

She’s super sweet, and says she’s flattered to hear that Adam loves her so much. It’s the first time she has been approached by a fan that didn’t ask what Shannon Doherty’s really like in real life. She says if she has a boy, she’s naming it after Adam. AW! She must know that thing’s a girl. Who would name their kid Useless?

They show her around the house while Adam freaks out like twelve year old that just sprouted mosquito bumps. Up in the HOH closet, the TV flips on and Boobs is freaking out that Tori Spelling is in the house. Jessie tries to keep her attention, but he’s Jessie, so….doesn’t really work. She says, pointing at the TV, “That’s a celebrity.” LOLOLOLLLL. Anyone still have questions as to why I am rooting for Boobs? Hilarious. Jessie asks her how to spell her name. “With an R.” HAHAHAH! He insists on autographing something for her while Adam has the time of his sad life downstairs posing with Tori.

Boobs has to stay locked in the HOH closet while everyone else gets to go on a shopping spree in the backyard. Whatever they can get on they get to keep. Adam gets on a lot of spandex. Boobs is pissed watching it on TV and whines how Volvo doesn’t deserve fashion cuz she only wears sweat pants. LOL. Adam decides to shop for his girlfriend so he doesn’t go hope completely empty handed. He’s not as delusional as he comes off. Jordan is grossed out when she hears Boobs had to spend time with Jessie. That poor guy gets no respect. And he deserves so much!

Later, it’s time to get back to business. And by business, I mean it’s time to watch Adam grovel and apologize for turning his back on Boobs and Jordan last week. But this time he won’t! He’s totally with you! He’s gonna win every competition from now on and keep Boobs safe! Boobs tells us that she has always been anti floater, but Adam’s so weak that she might just be an idiot to not keep him. He’ll never win anything and there’s no way he’s getting votes at the end. Adam promises to be the fiercest competitor they’ve ever seen this week. Jordan rolls her eyes as he leaves, but Boobs just got her cornhole made out with and that’s all she really wanted.

When they’re alone together, Boobs tells Jordan that the decision is theirs because she wants to be in the final two together. But won’t Jordan win in that scenario? Yes, Boobs has played harder. But Jordan didn’t play hard last time and still won. I don’t know about that. I think she should take a Noob. Jordan agrees that they will be the final two and says they can’t give the lazy ass nappers a chance to beat them. Adam is convinced he’s safe because Boobs didn’t vote him out last week. You mean over the most hated witch of the season? Yeah, that’s some solid reasoning there, buddy. In the end, Volvo and Kalia are up. SHOCKER! Boobs says it’s nothing but good ole fashioned karma. Then she tops it off with a cackle.

Volvo talks all big, but Kalia knows she deserves it. “Payback’s a bitch named Rachel.” HAHA! And that’s it! I’ll be back Weds to see which one of these two yoyos gets sent packin’. Thanks for being with me! See you next time!

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