Big Brother: It’s Filler Time

We pick up right where we left off: with the houseguests ferrying disinfectant back and forth across the yard.  Personally, I think it’s a good idea for these people to carry disinfectant with them everywhere they go.  It’s sort of like the white trash equivalent of keeping a flashlight in your car’s trunk.

Jeff tells us that he really needs to win this HOH competition to (wait for it) keep he and Jordan safe.  In other revelatory news, Shelly dedicates her challenge performance to Josie.  Has Shelly mentioned that she has a kid?  Because: she has a kid.

Rachel tells us that having Brendon around for the week really relit her fire, by which she means “made her late for her period”, if the live feed recaps I’ve been reading are to be believed.  That’s like five different levels of scary that I don’t even want to touch.  Flashback to Brendon being evicted again, to loud cheers; Rachel takes the opportunity to mock Daniele about how much the crowd likes Brendon.  I’m not sure the Big Brother live audience is the best arbiter of America’s taste.  They cheered for Keith when he left; I think there are snipers perched off camera at all times, ready to shoot the dissenters should they refuse to clap.

Back in the competition, our first montage of people slipping and falling!  The best one involves Jordan falling so that she disappears almost completely into the bubbles.

“Here I am!”

Daniele, forced to watch the whole competition happen, urges Kalia to move faster, since she’s sort of her only hope.  In response, Kalia whines about what a terrible cheerleader Daniele is.  I guess being terrible at this competition isn’t a factor.  Also, you want Daniele to act like Rachel cheering on Brendon or something?  Gross.

Jeff is currently he’s in the lead (having worked out a nice situation where he can slide back and forth pretty rapidly), with Rachel in second and everyone else tied for third.  And then: wicked spill from Adam!

I think he might be ghostriding something.

Looks like he busted his ass pretty good, there.  Not enough for anyone to remember that he exists or care about him, but still.

After an hour and a half or so, Jeff’s way ahead of everyone else.  After a few more laps, he pulls his ping-pong ball out and he’s the new Head of Household.  Daniele, Porsche and Kalia are not very happy about this, which Rachel notices.  “They look like they wanna shoot themselves,” she says, “come on girls, when things go your way, I at least pretend that I’m happy!” Considering that half the footage this season has been of you pouting in the backyard after Daniele won something, I doubt that.

“I mean, she could at least throw a total tantrum and ruin the whole episode, instead of simply looking displeased!”

Jeff and Daniele high-five in the back bedroom after the competition.  “I’m going to do what’s best for me this week,” Jeff says, “and if getting Daniele out is best for me, then I’m gonna do that.”  Well, Jeff: getting Daniele out is best for you.

While Daniele and Kalia eat, Shelly calls Rachel a bitch.  They talk about how Rachel’s going to pretend to be cool with Jeff and Jordan again even though she was super pissed at them last week.  Shelly continues to rant for awhile about how awful Rachel is, which is like ranting about how crazy Charlie Sheen is at this point: it is just a well-known fact.

Then there’s a weird little scene where Shelly jokingly offers to get Jeff a drink since he’s HOH, but she’s mostly doing it to piss off Rachel, who watches and stares daggers at her the entire time, and it’s weirdly edited and Shelly’s walking like an old west cowboy and I don’t fully understand any of it.

This show doesn’t often confuse me, but: look at this.

Kalia knows that she’s probably going to get nominated, and that they only way to keep the three of them safe is for the person who’s not nominated to win the Veto and take one of them down, forcing Jeff to put up someone on his own team.  Or Adam, who just thinks he’s on their team but is actually a walking human fail horn.

Time to see Jeff’s HOH room!  He’s now constantly referring to himself in the third person as “Big Jeff”, so: dead to me. He does do some pretty hilarious joshing to get everybody to be more pretend excited about seeing his room.  There are lots of photos of his family, and a hand drawn picture and letter from his nieces.

“Dear Uncle Jeff: We miss reading bedtime stories to Jordan.  Please come home soon.”

Then he reads his letter from home, which contains the phrase “for sheezy” (points to Jeff’s family for that one; my dorky family would totally do that).  Jordan starts eating the Lucky Charms out of his HOH basket, telling everyone how much she likes the marshmallows.  I’m sure that General Mills was on pins and needles waiting for that ringing celebrity endorsement.

Lucky Charms: Preferred Cereal of Dullards

Rachel waits everyone else out until she’s alone in the HOH room with Jeff.  Downstairs, Shelly tells everyone she’s going to go up and interrupt their conversation to “light into” Rachel.  Shelly heads upstairs and tells Rachel (in front of Jeff and Jordan) that she’s “gotta stop making eyes at her” and “acting rude”.  I’d say you’re both probably guilty of that.  Rachel, hilariously: “Shelly, I haven’t talked to anyone about you recently.”  Recently!

Then Shelly proposes a clean slate and walks out.  Most anti-climactic fight ever.  You know, I really wish I could choose a side in this rivalry; right now, I’m rooting for Not Pictured.

Up next: filler!  Apparently, Shelly doesn’t eat anything but peanut butter and jelly.  She’s never even heard of hummus, never eaten avocado or pita chips.  The segment lasts forever and there isn’t even a Rachel faceplant; it isn’t even mildly entertaining.  Kind of like last season of this show! ZING.

The Have Not menu for the week is jalapenos and hard boiled eggs.  What, the producers couldn’t come up with another food that starts with a silent j-sound?  I mean, jicama is just sitting right there!

Since there’s no Have/Have Not competition this week thanks to the endurance HOH we just had, Jeff gets to pick three people to be Have Nots for the week.  Jeff chooses Daniele and Porsche (ostensibly because they haven’t been Have Nots yet, but also because they’re on the other side of the house) and then he throws in Kalia because we all know Kalia is The Worst.  “America, we’re almost not on speaking terms,” she responds.  America, collectively: “Awesome.  Now i can stop screening my calls.”

In response, Daniele and her alliance sit in the bedroom and feel sorry for themselves.  In sombreros.

“This must be how Lou Bega felt after Mambo #6 didn’t hit.”

Kalia gets Jeff alone in the backyard, and tells Jeff that she knows she’s going up on the block.  She wants Jeff to put up Rachel against her.  It’s a really half-hearted attempt to save herself, that she knows is useless.  Jeff refers her to her HOH two weeks ago.  “You struck first, and you should expect repurcussions,” he says.  I’m rooting for Daniele and everything, but I definitely wouldn’t hate it if Kalia went home.

And then it’s smaller table time!  Shelly looks weirdly orange the whole time, it’s distracting.

What is happening here? It’s…maybe my TV’s broken?

Later on it’s Daniele’s turn to argue for herself.  She hopes that their agreement from last week is still good, and that she’s not going up.  Jeff asks her not to use the veto if she wins it (since she gets to play this week no matter what thanks to her veto ticket), and she tells him that she’ll probably try to throw it so she won’t have to choose between taking down Porsche and Kalia, who are obviously going to be the nominees at this point.  Jeff can’t believe it, since that would be incredibly stupid of her, but goes along with her anyway.

Now Porsche gets a chance to sit down with him, telling him she wants to stay so she can finally win a competition.  Jeff mocks her, because it turns out that today is the first time she’s “talked game” with him all season, and it’s Day 49.  Jeff can barely contain his glee.

“Oooh, girl, you did not just try and talk to me!”

Upstairs in the HOH, Jeff and Jordan talk about his discussion with Daniele.  He tells her that Daniele offered to throw the veto, which they both agree isn’t something that she can do.  They agree that she feels pretty safe, and here it becomes clear that he’d really like to get Daniele out of the house this week if he can pull it off.  Ugh. I mean, it’s smart of him, but I can’t say that I’m happy that Rachel will get the satisfaction of voting her out.

Nomination time.  Rachel’s key is in the box first, then Shelly, Adam and Jordan (second to last, hilariously).  She has some trouble putting it on over her dunce cap.

Wearing stuff is hard.

Dani’s the last safe one, so Kalia and Porsche are nominated for eviction, as expected. Jeff tells us that his ultimate goal is to get Daniele out of the house this week.  We’ll see.