Big Brother: Let’s Hope It Sticks This Time

Julie is dressed…kind of nicely, actually.  Well, except for the necklace, which I bet is some sort of talisman used to ward off evil spirits.  Ooh, or it’s a collar used to control her movements and keep her from revolting against her makers!  Yeah, that’s it.

“DEATH TO HUMANITY.”

(shock administered)

“HAIL ALLISON GRODNER.”

We’ll find out who’s going home in a bit, BUT FIRST!  Jeff and Jordan are “faced with a dilemma” about who to vote out.  Brendon.  The answer is Brendon.  Vote out Brendon.

“Daniele’s decision to nominate Brendon was dumb,” Rachel says, “because she’s making two enemies in this house again.“  Actually, she’s making zero enemies.  She’s just pissing off the enemies she already had.  A solid start, Rachel.  Flawless logic, that.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand then Rachel starts crying about losing Brendon.  This is getting ridiculous.  I should just copy and paste a paragraph from a previous recap at this point. “I came back in this game to remind you that you can do this!” Brendon says.  Nope.  You came back because America couldn’t get it’s shit together and rally behind one person.  Did you guys see the final vote tally?  It was like Brendon 39 percent, Dominic 31 percent, Cassi 30 percent.  Essentially, for every one person who voted Brendon back into the house, there were two who wanted no part of him.  That makes me feel much better about approximately sixty-one percent of this show’s audience.

“Shelly had such an evil grin when you got put up,” Rachel whines.  That’s…just her face, Rachel.  That’s just her face.

That’s the normal color, too.

Rachel questions Jeff and Jordan’s allegiance; she says that if they vote Brendon out, than they become number one on her hit list.  We’ll see if that actually happens, because: they’re totally voting Brendon out.

Brendon and Rachel work Adam to try and get his vote.  They tell him over and over again that he’s not their target.  This is because he is no one’s target, because he is largely worthless.  When Adam points out that Brendon is a huge threat, Brendon asks if he’s a bigger threat than Daniele.  Adam: “Yes.”  Brendon: “(a bunch of double talk that doesn’t make any sense, designed to sound smart and make you remember that he is a scientist).”

Brendon tries to tell Adam that because he’s male, he’ll be a target once Brendon leaves.  Uh, he will not.  Adam’s total ineptitude can never be underestimated.  In fact, because this is Big Brother, that ineptitude will likely lead to a win.

Inside the house, Rachel literally follows Porsche around until she agrees to talk.  Boy, that alone would cause me to vote Brendon out.  Porsche tells Rachel says she’s not a huge fan of Shelly, but that Brendon is Brendon, and thus needs to leave.  Rachel, making a very good point for once, tells Porsche that Shelly is definitely going to nominate her if she stays in the house, which is true.  The thing is that Rachel would also be put up if Shelly won, and would likely go home, so Porsche doesn’t care.  She pretty much tells Rachel to eat shit, and that she’s voting for Brendon.  She then calls Rachel out for fake smiling at her.  Rachel:

(searches for nearby bushes)

Daniele tries to make a deal with Jeff and Jordan.  Daniele admits that she was wrong to try and backdoor Jeff.  Jeff is still all butthurt about it, until Daniele points out that they’re going to take each other out and let some scrub win the whole game.  That’s…sort of how this whole thing works most of the time.  I, for one, welcome our new floater overlords.

The next day, Jordan is just trying to enjoy a bowl of cereal while Rachel heckles her about the vote.  When Rachel asks (for what is undoubtedly the thousandth time) whether Jordan would tell them if they were going to vote Brendon out, Jordan rolls her eyes and is like “Ugh, yes Rachel”.  Even Jordan cannot contain her disdain for Rachel at this point, and Jordan listed “Professional Nice Person” as her occupation on her taxes last year.

When Jordan tells Rachel that she has to get Adam’s vote, or that they’re going to go with what the rest of the house wants and vote out Brendon, Rachel gets legit pissed, even calling them cowards and sheep later on in the Diary Room.  She seems to have forgotten to call them floaters.  I bet she had a stroke when Brendon left the first time and forgot certain words.  I can’t wait for the inspirational Hallmark movie about Brendon teaching Rachel to walk again.

Jordan heads inside to tell Jeff about Rachel just cornered her, and Jeff heads outside to regulate.  Jeff tells them the same thing: that if the house wants to get rid of them, they can’t go against that.  Rachel starts to throw a tantrum about how they’re jumping ship on their alliance, but Jeff is not having it and starts telling her to lay off of the attitude while Brendon shouts at him from the elliptical machine.  I hate to say it, but in this case, Jeff and Jordan are totally copping out and Rachel is right.  Shit, way to make me point out that Rachel is right, Jeff.  Now I have to go power wash my soul.

“Watch what you say to me, Edith Bunker!”

Time for Julie to talk to the Houseguests! Shelly, you got a phone call from home.  What did it mean to hear from your family?  Shelly: “Family family family please vote for me to win the America’s Favorite prize money.”

Jordan, you gave your phone call to Shelly and ended up with the humilitard .  Was it worth it?  Jordan says yes, and that she wouldn’t feel right taking the phone call when Shelly wanted to see her kids.  I love how no one has mentioned that Jordan almost got away with the veto in return for giving Shelly that phone call.  I’m telling you, homegirl is a tiny blonde ninja.

Brendon, why do you think America chose you to come back into the game instead of Dominic and Cassi?  Brendon thinks it’s because America wants to see a competitor win.  He does not know that it is because America is the worst at voting for people, always and forever.

This is your fault, everyone.

But enough of that, let’s talk to someone a brain.  Let’s meet Shelly’s eight-year-old daughter, shall we?  We’re in Louisiana in Shelly’s hometown.  We first meet Tony, Shelly’s husband.  He is going to be in trouble when Shelly finds out that he gave production this picture of her winning Homecoming Queen in high school:

This was before the advent of lip filler.

Josie, Shelly’s daughter, is completely adorable and I refuse to make fun of an eight-year-old.  Say what you want about her hypocrite mom, but: “I understand that my mom doesn’t want me to get upset, but she kinda needs to stop lyin’.”  YOU GUYS!  Josie is the best.

JOSIE FOR PRESIDENT!

The family gathers around to fake-watch this week’s nomination ceremony while they wear t-shirts with unecessary quotation marks on them.

Team Poor Punctuation

At one point, Josie shouts “Shut up, Rachel!” at the TV.  That’s it.  Josie is my hero.  Shut it down for the season, everyone.

Back in the studio, it’s time for Daniele to give her HOH interview.  Daniele says that having Brendon back was horrible, but that she had to go with her gut and get him out of the house again.  Julie wants to know why in the hell she nominated Adam and Shelly. Daniele says that it was her “Plan B through Z”.  Essentially, she decided to tread water until she figured out what she wanted to do for the week.  She wanted to look like she wasn’t going to put him up until she could guarantee that she could send him out the door.  It’s not bad, really, and all she had to risk was sending home someone that was loyal to the other side anyway.

Back downstairs, it’s time for final words before the vote.  Shelly tells them all that she is going to “pass on some wisdom” to them.  I bet they’re all sitting rapt, ready to absorb the priceless knowledge that you are sure to impart upon them, Shelly.  Shelly tells them that the things in life don’t make you successful at Big Brother: things like dignity and class.  You know, all the stuff that Shelly has.

Brendon thanks the Department of Medicine at UCLA, in case you needed a reminder that he is a scientist; he rants for awhile about how he’s the first juror and that he’ll be voting for the person who plays the hardest.  He then calls Daniele “Judas” , which is a Jerry shout out?  I think?  Whatever.  Brendon then sits with a giant smirk on his face, clearly thinking that he has just been so charming that America cannot help but fall for the Rocket Scientist with the Heart of Styrofoam.

“Everyone loves me and I am adorable.  That is all.”

Time to vote.  Rachel votes for Shelly, of course.  Kalia votes to evict Brendon; so does Porsche, Adam, Jeff and Jordan.  And thus, we are rid of him again.  Except now, thanks to America, he’ll act like a dick on the jury, instead of acting like a dick at home, where we don’t have to watch him.

Brendon gets loud cheers when he exits; I cannot tell if they are cheering for him or because he’s gone again.  I’m guessing it’s the latter.  Julie asks Brendon if he and Rachel would have kept their end of the deal with Daniele if she had kept him in the house.  Brendon: “Maybe.”  Riveting stuff.

What’s Rachel’s best move now that he’s gone for good?  Brendon says that she’s gonna win HOH (Julie, activating sarcasm chip: “Oh, okay! Just like that!”), and then “shake things up”, which I assume means nominating Jeff and Jordan.

Goodbye messages.  Kalia has no idea why America voted him back in.  Kalia also clearly thinks that she is charming, which is most of the reason why I dislike her so severely.  Kalia: I watched Britney.  I loved Britney.  And you, ma’am, are no Britney.

Looks like Brendon has a bad case of Kalia face.

Jeff tells Brendon that he’ll try to take care of Rachel for as long as he can before burying her in the backyard under the astroturf, where no one will ever find her.  Speaking of Rachel, she has “found her inner strength” to compete.  Turns out it was hiding behind a big bag of packing peanuts she accidentally swallowed a few weeks ago.  What?  She thought they were candy!

Time for the HOH competition.  Each houseguest will fill a measuring cup with liquid soap, then slip and slide across the soapy yard to deposit it into another container, which has a ping-pong ball in it.  The first person to fill their container enough to grab the ping pong ball will win HOH.

Oh, and also they’re all wearing ballet slippers, just because.

Whenever I think of people like Porsche, I think of ballet.

After the commercial, more soap starts to drop from the ceiling, because that’s just what happens on this show.

Ooh, and Julie tells us that next week  is the double eviction!  Nice.  See you guys Sunday.  I seem to draw all the endurance competitions when I recap Thursday-Sunday, no?  Either way, there are sure to be some totally awesome wipeouts on Sunday night.