Big Brother: Lickity Split Dick

Hey guys!  It’s great to be back in the Gasm!  Tonight on Big Brother, we have the first POV competition and ceremony!  Will either Keith or Porsche win the veto and take their duo off the block?  Who would be the replacement duo nominee in such a situation?  And how will Dick’s departure finally be addressed?

If you’re ready to feel better about yourself, let’s get going!

Big Brother:  Where pride goes to die.

After the color-in, we join the hamsters post-nominations. Yugo (Porsche) is confused — shocking I know — by her nomination, as she thought she had a deal with all the vets after speaking to Dick, whom I like to call ED because it stands for both Evel Dick and the Explosive Diarrhea the thought of him nearly invokes.  Bible thumper/pervert Keith — now known to me as Bible Humper — isn’t concerned as he thinks he has all of the newbie votes.  Why he thinks that is unclear, especially because he’s AWFUL.  Eye candy be damned, I want this jackhole off my TV immediately.

Boobs (Rachel) tells us that Bible Humper is the target and that she wants to hand Yugo the golden key.  GLAAD Spokesman Jeff clarifies that nominating Yugo and Bible Humper was actually ED’s idea, which he’s cool with because it keeps the blood off his hands and frees up more time for him to wonder which other fictional educators may have been getting their pedophile on.

“Zack, could you come to my office please?”

Following nominations, Yugo goes upstairs to speak with the vets and promptly begins crying.  She’s clearly not about to lose my crowning of Most Hated Houseguest to Bible Humper without a fight.  Sniffles (Brendan) reassures Yugo that they’re not trying to “backdoor” her, demonstrating that he has no idea what that term means.  The only type of backdooring he is familiar with involves a webcam and a Skype account.

Sniffles continues trying to explain that Yugo is nominated because they want to help her get a golden key, not because they want her evicted.  This is too complicated for Yugo, who stupidly asks then if the plan is for the vets to throw the POV so that she can take herself off the block.  When Sniffles, Boobs and Dicklet all stare at you in amazement at your stupidity, you may want to give up your luxurious life and just go play in traffic.  The vets tell Yugo that she should throw the POV, and while she agrees that throwing the POV is the best move, she has the same glazed and confused look on her face as I imagine ED would have if you asked him when he took his last shower.

Meanwhile, Bible Humper and the Virgin (Dominick) are busy doing a little celebratory dance in the Have Not room.  The Virgin can dance (and simultaneously guarantee that he won’t be sleeping with any woman who watches this) all he wants, but what is Bible Humper doing?  Hey asshole!  You’re on the block!  Shouldn’t you be more concer– what the…?

Gee, I’ve never thought of smashing my used gum against the side of my head in case I want to chew it some more later…  What the hell is that?!

Bible Humper tells Virgin that he wants to throw the veto so that he and Yugo stay on the block and she goes/he gets the golden key.  The wise Virgin gushes that if Bible Humper throws it, he’s “definitely” staying.  I was going to suggest that in order to “definitely” stay,  Humper win the POV and take himself OFF the block, but clearly the odds are more in his favor if he’s sitting in one of the two armchairs on Thursday.  Silly LoLo.

“I wish I was back home, where rich drunk douches pinched my ass and the dim lighting hid my butterface.  Such was the life of luxury! <sigh>”

Later that night, Bible Humper shares his plan with Actually Hot Girl (Cassi), Lawrong and the black girl who ate Carrie Bradshaw (Kalia).  Of course, no one bothers to disagree with this plan, as it keeps all of their asses off the block.  I still am unclear why Humper is convinced that he has the numbers to stay — all he has is the (barf) Regulators, for a total of 3 votes.  Yugo has the vets, which is 4 votes plus if there’s a 5-5 tie she’ll have Boobs.  Seems to me that the 3 non-Regulator newbie votes are up for grabs, and Bible Humper will need all 3 of those to avoid the tie.  I wouldn’t be comfortable on the block in that precarious of a position.  Then again, I’m not an egomaniacal religious-when-convenient perverted dickbag, so what do I know?

Zombie Carrie recommends that Bible Humper plead his case to the vets at some point, with which Humper vehemently disagrees as he totes has the numbers and there’s no point.  Good thing that this isn’t ultimately a social game… oh, wait.  Zombie Carrie, looking slightly annoyed or maybe just hungry for more brains, leaves the room.  The second she’s out of there, Bible Humper starts the shittalking, waving his finger in Lawrong’s face and insisting that Lawrong “better make sure she understand!”  Lawrong promises to take a few minutes out of sorting his garish neck-decor collection into “kinda douchey” and “super douchey” to keep Zombie Carrie in line.  Jordan has a better chance at learning the alphabet this summer than Lawrong does at controlling anyone.

Time to address the disease-ridden elephant in the room!  ED is called to the diary room, and he belches his way in and off our TVs for good.  The other hamsters slowly take notice of his absence, including Sniffles, who refers to ED as one of the best social game players out there.  And by “social game” he means bullying and terrorizing people, clearly.  In the words of John Bender:  “So it’s sorta social, demented and sad, but social. Right?”  Anyway, Boobs is eventually called to the Diary Room, returning with a note from the producers indicating that ED left due to unforeseen personal reasons.  My guess is that the Center for Disease Control wants to make him a test subject.

Or his meth lab finally exploded.

Despite having automatically been given a golden key, Dicklet is upset by the news, as she’d like to know what the hell happened to her father, no matter how much she hates his ass.  She heads to HOH with the other vets and points out that BB is ED’s entire life, which is “disgusting and embarrassing”, so something big must have happened to get him to quit.   Honey, you’ve been on BB twice yourself and you host a weekly BB talk show on Real Player.  Those in aluminum trailer homes shouldn’t throw feces.  That’s how that saying goes, right?  Right.

Dicklet then moves on to the real issue in her eyes– how this completely fucks her game.  So much for pretending to give a shit about dad.  She says that ED’s departure has screwed the vets because they’re now outnumbered 5 to 8 and Dicklet, an awesome POV competitor, can’t play for four weeks in any competitions.  Dicklet has my sympathy there, but then takes it too far with a patented Dicklet whiiiiiiiiiiiiine session, about how the vets now have no shot to win the game and they’re all wasting their time and they’ll be picked off and “OMG it’s so not faaaaaaaair-eh!”  I actually like you this season so far, so please STFU.  Yes, it sucks that the vets are down a player due to circumstance and not the game, but ain’t shit you can do about it so pull it the fuck together.

Jordan mentions that Bible Humper was grinning his ass off after the news, and Sniffles tries to be all manly and storms for the door, pretending that he’s actually going to go do anything more aggressive than correct someone’s pronunciation.  “First of all, it’s pronounced neanderTAL!  FACE!”  The girls stop him easily and he paces around the room, pretending to be livid while silently thanking God that the girls didn’t call his bluff.

“No!  You can’t stop me!  I’m going to fight him!  Really!  Can’t stop me!  You really can’t!  I’d like to see you try to stop me!  Yeah, come on, try to stop me!  Try it.  Really.  …  …  … Okay, seriously, please someone stop me before I get hurt.  I’m delicate.”

Jeff shows up and tells Sniffles to get a grip, as Sniffles continues to rant that the vets are all screwed.  Boobs and Jordan jump on the Debbie Downer train and also loudly insist that they’re screwed, although Jordan just may be shouting out echos of what others have said, like a mildly retarded child.  Dicklet, the one who started this whole self-pity shitshow, is curiously silent.  Maybe now she’s just realizing that the meth lab could be gone.  But that was the culmination of all the Donato hopes and dreams!  Jeff’s having none of the whining and tells them all to put on their big girl panties, work on socializing with the newbies and bust their asses at competitions.  His expletive-laden pep talk seems to do the trick, and the vets resolve to fight their hardest despite this significant blow.  Jeff seems relieved that the focus is on more important things again.

“What about Ronald McDonald?  He looks super gay to me.  All that “flaming” red hair.  Totally obvious, bro.  Might as well be selling penis shaped nuggets, that guy.  He’s around a lot of kids too!  What the fuck is up with that!”

Meanwhile downstairs, Bible Humper hasn’t celebrated this hard since he was able to slip roofies in the lemonade cooler at the church picnic.  He’s talking to himself, talking to the live feed watchers (not knowing that the live feeds were actually turned off at this time), and plotting out loud that he can now make a move on Dicklet.  That angry bitch would chew him out and spit him into a pile of her father’s loogies, so I’d kind of like to see him try.  The other newbies notice how happy Bible Humper is about ED leaving and note that it’s pretty gross behavior given that something serious may have happened, for all they know.  It’s super gross.  Still thinking you have all 6 newbie votes, buddy?

But wait, he’s not done yet.  He wants to be the “hero” and “save the day.”  And how do you do that, you ask?  You abruptly call a newbie meeting where you babble incoherently about Zombie Carrie and Yugo as if they’re not in the room while bugging out your eyes and spraying spittle on everyone in the room!  Yep, that’s how you earn yourself votes in the Big Brother house!  Seriously, fuck this guy.  If I can even slightly decipher his point, he wanted to call out Zombie Carrie and Yugo as both working the vets in order to peer pressure/embarrass them enough to knock it off and work with the newbies instead.  When that drives those girls closer to the vets and causes your own sub-alliance of Regulators to cut you out, let me know if you still think that was a good idea.  Dude is out of his mind.  I’ve never met anyone in HR who isn’t socially inept and/or batshit crazy, so at least he’s conforming to stereotypes.

Time to pick players for the Veto competition!  Boofles (Boobs/Sniffles) and Yugo/Humper are automatically playing, and the third duo will be determined by random draw.  As she’s alone, Dicklet is not eligible to compete.  Demonstrating that she is a bit more tolerable this year than she was the first time around, Dicklet has stopped whining about ED and now realizes that being alone might be beneficial to her social game as she will have the time to infiltrate the newbies and maybe make some alliances within that group.  Or get molested by Bible Humper.

Jeff and Jordan are randomly selected as the third duo, much to the vets’ delight.  Boobs picks Leather Daddy (Adam) to host, which means we’re all in a for a world of hurt.  The vets meet one last time before the competition with Yugo to confirm that she’s still planning on throwing it — which she says that she is.  Sniffles condescendingly tells Yugo that it’s the right thing to do and “it’s not rocket science…” <long pause as he tries to think of something clever…>  “But if it was, I’d be good at that, too.”  <fails miserably>

“I think I’d take seeing his peen again over listening to him talk.”

Leather Daddy announces the start of the competition, and he’s as obnoxious as feared.  Shut.  Up.  The three duos will work together to complete a magnetic puzzle (spelling VETO) that is suspended 10 or so feet off the ground.  When one member runs towards the bins holding the pieces, the other member (attached to the first by pulleys) will be automatically hoisted into the air and given access to the puzzle.  When the first member returns with a piece, the second member is lowered back to the ground.  First duo to complete the puzzle wins the POV.

It’s a superhero theme, so the hamsters are all dressed in semi-tight spandex catsuits with a contrasting color bikini bottom over the catsuit.  Jordan tells us that the bikini bottoms draw your attention to a certain area, if we know what she’s talking about.  I’m not sure if we do.  Ears?  Ankles?  Anyone help me out?  Bless that girl’s dumb little heart.

As the competition is about to get underway, Bible Humper and Yugo both tell us that they are throwing the competition, but that the other one totally doesn’t know it.  Watching these statements played back to back is highly amusing, as is their “team” effort as the competition begins.  They’re both so busy trying to throw it without being caught that neither one notices that the other one is totally sucking ass.  Or maybe they’re both just distracted by Jeff and Jordan — a duo that IS trying, but still somehow doing worse than Humper/Yugo.

“Jeeeeeff!  It fell again!  You didn’t give me no goshdarned tape!”
“They’re magnetic, Jordo.”
“What’s ‘mag-net-ic’?”

Given the competitive performances of the two shallow end of the gene pool duos, Boofles easily wins the Veto, complete with screeching and a totally unnecessary sprint to the finish by Sniffles.  Glad they’ve learned their lesson and aren’t sore winners anymore.  Although, maybe he’s still trying to earn back some manliness points.  Not in that catsuit, he ain’t.

We then have to watch the diary room sessions of each duo.  Boofles and Jeff/Jordan are unremarkable, but Humper/Yugo’s is hilarious, as they both have to sit there next to each other and pretend that they tried to win and are disappointed by the results.  Humper said on his bio that he wants to explore a career in acting.  Judging from this diary room session, he may want to take a few more lessons first.  He may also want to learn how to say it, not spray it.

“So, um, yeah, then the sun got in my eyes and I think I might have sprained a toe, or maybe an ankle, I’m not really sure…”
“I’m still kinda ugly.”

Following the competition, the vets try to decide if they want to change the nominations or leave Humper/Yugo on the block.  Boofles is letting the power go to their hands, crowing about how they have all the power and will now make deals with everyone to be safe.  Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts once you’re out of power.   If I recall from last year, Boobs does not fall from power gracefully.  Can’t wait.  This leads to a series of interviews of the newbie duos, nearly all of which promise Boofles that they won’t be nominated, won’t be backdoored, won’t be a heinous couple that America ha—  Okay, so they can’t promise everything.

The only newbie who really speaks up is Actually Hot Girl, who correctly points out that Boofles’ first allegiance is with Jeff and Jordan.  Sniffles non-answers by saying only 1 person will ultimately win the game, which has nothing to do with Boofles being more loyal to J/J than anyone else.  Seriously dude, spend more time with your book learnin’ and less time trying to figure out which lighting makes your dick look the biggest on webcam.  Still, I fear that AHG did a lot of damage with those comments as she has now alerted Boofles to the fact that she isn’t buying their “big happy family” shit and that she is likely targeting them should she come to power.  Even though she hasn’t done much yet, I like the girl so far so SHHHH idiot.  Kiss ass and pretend to like it!  You’re a model — isn’t that only one step up from prostitute?  You should know this shit.

The editors want us to think that Boobs might actually use the POV, which we all know isn’t going to happen this early in the season.  Why piss off 2 duos instead of 1?  Boobs is obnoxious but not nearly that dumb.  At the ceremony, Yugo gives an uninspiring plea for Sniffles to use the veto on her duo.  I hope she was “throwing” that speech or otherwise that girl should avoid public speaking at all costs.  At least VIP cocktail waitresses/whores aren’t usually hired for their oral ski– well, that may not be exactly true.  Unsurprisingly, Sniffles chooses not to use the veto, leaving Bible Humper and Yugo on the block.  You know who I want to go home, and I also think that Humper WILL go home after pissing too many people off and being a bigger threat in physical competitions.  However, this is shaping up to be a pretty dramatic first eviction, so anything can change by Thursday night!

Who do you think will go home and who do you want to go home?  What’d you think of ED’s departure?  I’m personally disappointed.  While he’s a pretty awful human being, you can’t deny that he’s good TV.  I would have enjoyed watching him get into it with Boofles, and his inevitable eviction would have been epic.  In  the words of his spawn, it’s just not faiiiiiiiiir-eh, you guys!  Oh well, I’m sure Grodner will find a way to bring him back next season too, so don’t break out the disinfectant quite yet.  Thanks for reading and see you guys soon!