Big Brother: Like a Fly in Molasses

The previouslies are, as expected, a bajillion trillion years long. Oh, Big Brother. I have missed you.

And now let’s just watch these giant boobs jump around on loop for ten minutes. Thanks, CBS!

Our first “color in” of the season puts us right where we left off. The saboteur has locked the storage room! WHO COULD IT BE? Is it the Jew? The black one? The chick with the mutant boobs? The other chick with the mutant boobs? The third chick with the mutant boobs? The suspense is killing me!

Everyone stares around the room suspiciously. Andrew, laying on the floor and hiding from everyone else, looks particularly suspicious. “I’m worried that everyone thinks it’s me. I’m like a rabbit performing a circumcision!” he confessional shouts, Natalie style. Pretty soon we’re going to start seeing up his nose.

Obviously some lowly production assistant actually locked the storage room, but the houseguests waste time sizing each other up anyway. Brendon’s also a prime suspect, due to his sneaky decision to brush his teeth and go to bed when the lights went off. Come on, it’s obviously not him. I’m surprised he didn’t just lay down on the floor and sleep on the spot when the lights went out.

Later in one of the bedrooms, Andrew and Enzo whisper with each other. Andrew keeps trying to get Enzo to accuse someone, but Enzo refuses to take the bait. Andrew fingers Brendon (wait, forget I…never mind), desperately trying to take the blame off of himself. Enzo’s hilariously like “Maybe, I guess?”

Whoever it is is gonna be sleepin wit da fishes, capeesh?

In that little room by the stairs (the houseguests are calling it “the cabana room” this year), a bunch of the girls chat with Hayden, who tells them that his first instinct is that Andrew is the saboteur. Sure, blame the Jew, RACIST.

Soon after, Hayden gets his HOH room key. I bet it’s going to be filled with Nazi paraphernalia. The HOH room is very modern this year, painted in browns and teals. The aesthetic is very Crate and Barrel, and it’s not an assault on the eyes like the remainder of the house. Ragan points out that there are no photos of Hayden bro’ing out with his friends, which is a pretty astute observation. No “douche signifiers”, as it were. Aren’t V-neck tees and bow ties kind of the homosexual equivalent of peace signs and tribal tattoos? Just saying.

There is, however, an absolutely phenomenal photo of Hayden sporting a mullet.

Later that day, Boob City and Brendon lay on the hammock with Annie. Brendon announces that he’s got his Masters Degree and will be starting his PhD in the fall. The awesome Big Brother editors make their first appearance of the season when they show Boob City perking up, inserting a bunch of tinkly noises to let you know she’s got a girl boner. “I’m so in love with science,” Boob City explains, making googly eyes at him. This explains why she’s rocking those scary implants: she’s obviously trying to Splice herself into some sort of super-monster. When she sprouts a tail in week 5, run like hell, y’all.

As the sexy saxophone soundtrack revs up in the background, Brendon and BC bond over their shared memberships in various medical associations. No, I am not kidding. The whole time, Annie lies there looking confused, as anyone would. When was the last time PhDs were mentioned on Big Brother? Hell, when was the last time science was mentioned on Big Brother? She must be so confused. “It was like watching my parents have sex,” Annie deadpans in the Diary Room. I think I love her, a little.

“I signed up for this show to become part of an oxycontin dealing ring, not to hear about science.”

After Annie’s freed herself from the clutches of Boob City and Brendon, she pulls Ragan aside, whispering that she’d like to take him aside and tell him something personal. They sneak off to the cabana room and she reveals her bisexuality, telling him that she’s had a girlfriend for the past year and a half. She starts crying and shit gets real serious while Ragan thanks her extensively. “I can’t explain to you the gift that you’ve given me,” he tells her. How the hell am I supposed to make fun of this? It’s episode two and we’re already sharing uncomfortable personal secrets? Get back to talking about wieners, please.

Meanwhile, Boob City and Brendon have moved their flirtation to the hot tub. Fitting that they should be discussing science while floating in a giant petri dish. In a suspiciously edited cut, Hayden notices the two of them getting close. “Brendon and Rachel are a full on showmance. That’s going to turn into an alliance and that’s not good for anybody,” Hayden declares. So what, now he’s prejudiced against the scientific community as well? WHAT A BIGOT.

Back from commercial, Enzo and Hayden spoon on a lounge chair in the backyard. “When you start a mafia, you have to go to the guy who’s in charge,” Enzo says. He tells Hayden that they’re a lot alike. “You’re pretty much the West Coast version of me.” Aw…he’s the Snoop Dog to your Notorious B.I.G.! Wait, how did that end?

“The next thing you gotta do is have some brains,” Enzo continues. The plan is to make Matt the brains of the operation. Enzo wears his sunglasses inside while he and Hayden offer Matt an alliance. Normally I’d call him a douche for that, but…that’s just kind of how Enzo rolls, you know? I can’t even be mad at him.

“Every Mafia needs some muscle, which is Lane,” Enzo tells us. Wait, can Lane talk? Has that been proven? When Enzo brings all four members of his newly born alliance together in the HOH room, he announces that they’ve gotta have nicknames. Lane’s going to be “The Beast”, Hayden’s “The Animal”, Matt’s “The Brains”, and Enzo is (wait for it…) “The Meow Meow”. In case you were wondering whether this was premeditated, Enzo has helpfully brought a “Meow Meow” t-shirt into the house to clear that up for everyone.

“I’m kind of sneaky, I’m like a cat,” Enzo explains, and thus The Meow Meow is born. Makes perfect sense, really.

Close the shirt before you have a litter feeding off of those things.

By the way, can I tell you how much I love the idea of calling yourself “The Meow Meow”? That is balls, right there. I’ll put money down that this guy licks his own crotch and poops in a box before the end of the summer.

They decide to call themselves “The Brigade”, because a Big Brother Alliance is only as good as it’s terrible, generic name. “I have no idea what a brigade even is,” Lane admits. Hey, at least the guy admits that he’s kind of dumb. Better to know your place in the world than to be Jessie, right?

Hayden tells his newly formed alliance that he definitely wants to put Brendon up because he’s not only one of the stronger competitiors, but was missing during the blackout and could be The Saboteur. The Meow Meow approves.

Food competition time! The twelve houseguests who are not Hayden have to split into three teams of four. Everyone gets changed and ventures into the backyard, which now houses a giant pile of popcorn.

And then? Hayden prances out in a fairy costume.

“I thought I was the only fairy in the house!” Ragan says. Too obvious, buddy.

Here’s how it works: one member from each team will crawl through a vat of caramel, then dig through the big pile of popcorn for a comically oversized tooth. They’ll then venture back through the caramel and return the tooth to the starting line. The first team to fill their mouth with teeth (read: bring back eight teeth) wins, and the team in last place will be the Have Nots for the week.

Thirty seconds in, Brendon’s pants have already fallen off. I’m sure many of you are upset about this.

Brendon tells us that he was planning on pulling his pants up because he knew everyone was staring at his ass, but that he was too weighed down with caramel to make any progress, and was worried that the other teams would pull out ahead of him, so he just searched through the popcorn pile with his ass hanging out. Matt’s the first one back with a tooth for his blue team (also composed of Kathy, Rachel and Ragan), and Brendan is right behind him, slathered in caramel and coated in popcorn. Back in the popcorn pile, Kathy moves slowly while the rest of her team watches frustratedly. When Britney takes a turn for the pink team (Britney, Enzo, Lane and Monet), she’s predictably slow and inept as well. We’ve established that she’s terrible with wieners, and now caramel and popcorn are her mortal enemies. What’s this girl got against food?

When she relapses back into anorexia, blame Big Brother.

Boob City’s figured out the best strategy for moving through the caramel, which is to keep your body high and keep as much of it as possible from weighing you down. Kathy, however? Has not figured it out. In fact, she gets stuck in the caramel entirely and becomes completely immobilized.

The green team (Brendon, Annie, Kristen and Andrew) finishes first, and a good piece of strategy by Enzo (who hides a tooth for his team’s weak link, Britney) allows the pink team to pull out ahead as well. The blue team has no choice but to watch as they’re passed by the pink team, adding literal insult to injury when Britney kicks Kathy in the head on her way by.

And thus Kathy, Rachel, Matt and Ragan are the Have Nots for the week. While the rest of the houseguests are given bolt cutters to unlock the storage room, the Blue Team will be taking cold shows, eating slop and sleeping in the shitty bedroom, which is even WORSE than last year. The room’s set up like a broken-down dock. There are no beds; instead, there are those terrible plastic deck chairs that your grandparents have with the thick plastic strips that make your entire body sweat. To make things worse, there are disgusting jars full of bugs sitting everywhere making the whole room smell terrible. I mean, there are actual jars full of maggots. That is hardcore. Imagine Chima having to deal with THAT.

Once everyone’s showered and removed the caramel from their asses, Kathy tries to commiserate with Britney over how shitty they both did. Unfortunately, she comes off kind of condescending and judgmental, which doesn’t bode well for her, and she pisses Britney off pretty badly. On a side note, Matt also seems to thinks Kathy’s The Saboteur, since she just sort of gave up during the challenge. Not a terrible assumption, really. What kind of Saboteur would allow their team to win?

Back from commercial, The Saboteur has taken some masking tape and put some X’s over the faces of Britney and Kathy on the memory wall. Andrew’s the first one to notice and he runs upstairs to tell Hayden, which is pretty stupid because he’s only going to look more suspicious. “I guess he’s telling you his choices,” Andrew says to Hayden. Soon the whole house is gathered around the wall staring at the tape. When Kathy and Britney see, they’re predictably like “whatever”, because this is some lame ass shit, right here.

Pretty soon, The Saboteur appears on the television in the living room to announce why he/she X’d out the faces of Britney and Kathy. “Sometimes, the smallest competitor can be the fiercest,” he/she announces. Yeah, right. That’s some weak Saboteuring, right there.

Back from commercial, it’s time fo rthe nomination ceremony. What, we’re going to skip the needlessly choreographed sequence in which the HOH stares pensively at the key box in the HOH room? The houseguests gather around the table for the first nomination ceremony. Boob City’s wearing a shirt that declares her a Hot Mess. Way to beat us to it, BC.

Hayden gives Andrew his key immediately, since he’s not eligible for nomination. The first key to come out of the box is Annie’s, and then Ragan, then Enzo, and then OH MY GOD KATHY IS ALL BRUISED THAT IS SO GROSS.

Anyway, Brendon, Lane and Rachel are the last one’s without keys and when Lane ends up with the last key, Brendon and Rachel are the nominees. Hayden explains his choices, telling Brendon that he’s was unaccounted for during the blackout and could therefore be The Saboteur. Quick, evict him before the lights go out again!