Big Brother: Me and Brendon

Tonight, on Big Brother:

Mel Gibson burns down the house and puts the “raped by a pack of n words” curse on the HGs.

OK, so that probably won’t happen, but a boy can cross his fingers. Our lovely Chenbot comes out wearing a blue sheet of some sort, tied hastily so she can open it up quickly and gas BabyBot up during commercials. Kind of the modern version of those long underwear people used to wear in the old days with a buttoned trap door in the back so you could just poop the second you came upon a well dug hole.

It’s called formula, Julez. Keep those things inside.

She tells us that the saboteur is out (lamest saboteur ever. Told you to never trust a bisexual!), the power couple is in (God please let Brendon cry tonight. PLEASE) and someone made a bold (re; fucking idiotic) move that could cost him the game. And his wife’s legs, if you hear him tell it.

Previously, the guy who openly refers to himself as a Pussy showed off his attempts at the young and stylish (in the early 2000s on Bravo shows) fauxhawk.

Bald guys. SHAVE. You’re not fooling anyone.

Boob City wielded her power carefully. Her vagina, however, she threw all over the backyard with abandon.

Which Pussy is more intelligible? Let’s vote.

You guys. How awesome has it been watching Monet and Britney be total bitches and then cry like little bitches? I have been laughing my ass off over here. Well, not off. It’s still there. Britney would eviscerate me over my fat ass. Now I feel sad. I forgot what I was talking about.

On a sidenote, Monet looks like a super beige version of the sister on Dexter.

Or a monkfish.

Britney won the power of veto and the “evil genius” Matt put himself on the block. Why? I don’t really understand that. But I don’t understand BB in general. I just watch and laugh and feel smart and stuff. Why am I talking about last night? Cuz the booming announcer guy is. Screw this, announcer guy. Let’s live in the NOW, mkay?

I’ve been to the live show, and those seats are TINY. I can’t believe they even fit this crowd in. Someone needs to open a Golden Corral across the street. They’ll make billions.

On the first show of the season, Chenlet looked a little motherly. Now she’s thin as a rail again. WTF? I’m guessing super Spanx. We’ll never see her from the back cuz some poor pa’s have been assigned to gather all her excess skin and tie it off behind her.

Solar Power: Best Diet Evah

Rachel got dressed up tonight. She’s even wearing underwear.

As her outfit, but still. Baby steps.

We pick up where we left off last night. Rachel made it clear that Matt is just a pawn, and Monet stalks off with Britney and says that Rachel’s “a stupid bitch if she thinks it’s in her best interest to target me.” Well, in less than five seconds you’ve called her a bimbo, and idiot, a hooker, a bitch and a slut. Not that you’re wrong, but still. You can kinda see where Rachel’s coming from.

Rachel is pretty confident that Monet is going home, but that probably won’t happen, just cuz it’s Big Brother and logic has no role here. Matt goes into the pantry and high fives Lane like he just did something intelligent. Then he says he’s in a “powerhouse alliance.” LOL. Rachel and Brendon make out and stuff. Then Britney cries because she’s gonna miss Monet. Violins play, and Monet and Brit cry together. Britney does it prettier. Monet says everyone’s stupid and Rachel could have just nominated Matt without jabbing her with the “just as a pawn” line. Britney deadpans “She also could have worn a shirt, but we can’t make all her decisions for her Monet.” Monet says she wishes Boob City would just go back to stripping in Vegas and Britney rolls her eyes. “She’s a scientist, Monet.” HAHAHAH. LONG LIVE BRITNEY.

Monet talks about how trashy Boob City is. While facing the camera with her legs wide open.

Dear God. I don’t know if I’ve thanked you lately for creating shorts. THANKS. Love, Flipit

Matt comes in and joins their pity party. He smiles big and talks about how pissed he is. He’s convinced that Boob will be out next week. He plays innocent and then brags in the DR about how awesome he is. Out on the patio, some girl comes out to talk to Hayden.

Who the f is this?

The most that girl has ever talked is in the opening credits. Hayden tells us that he’s in a super secret showmance with her. It’s secret because no one in a showmance makes it far. Um…Jordan won last year. Boogie? Dicklet got second and she was in a showmance. A sick skeletal whiny one, but a showmance is a showmance. They don’t call him Haydum for nothing. “We’re keepening it on the down low.” Except when you’re following her around and pawing at her and stuff in front of everyone. You’re about as down low as a preacher at a Chuck E Cheese.

Sorry it’s dark. Not you, Kristen. Where’d that giant stuffed animal go?

Hayden tells Kristen how hot she is and how into her he is and she’s so pretty and wow boobies. She lays there like a dead fish and mutters umhmmm a lot. She tells us that she’s developing true feelings for Hayden. How can you not? Especially in the dark when you just feel him and listen to him say how hot you are without having to look at that face. Hayden whispers “no one can know!” Pan over to Tevya, the happiest Jew in the world, trying to get in his two AM prayer service before going to sleep. He says he can hear slurping and grunting and it’s like trying to fall asleep while any movie starring Barbra Streisand is playing. Bonertown.

Yeah Babs. Spin that dradle. YES. YES!!!!!

Porn music plays during the smoochies, and Tevya rolls over to cover his menshy hardhat until Kristen leaves. The next morning, Boobs comes down to show of some whore zebra she had killed and turned into a bathing suit.

She is worried that somehow the votes to oust Monet won’t come through so she wants to see where Kristen’s head is at. She yanks it out of Hayden’s crotch and tells her that Monet and Britney are going around telling everyone that they have Kristen’s vote. Kristen vows that they’re lying and gets super pissed about it. Stupid Boobs. Just let it be! You’re gonna fuck it all up! Kristen, of course, immediately confronts Britney about it, and Britney denies it. She calls over Monet and tells her the news. Sheriff sneaks off to Boobs to warn her that the shit’s about to hit the very slowly moving fan. Tattle tale!

Kristen says she just wanted to make sure that there was no misunderstanding because there is no way Matt deserves to go home over Monet. Monet doesn’t really get where the hate’s coming from and tries to calmly shrug it off. Then Boobs comes down with Emo Brendon to say that she put Monet up cuz she would have done the same to “me and Brendon”. Enough already with the “me and Brendon” crap. Do you guys even know each other’s last names? Jesus. Relationships like this aren’t fun to watch. Until they explode. How much more interesting did Jennifer Aniston become once everyone started breaking up with her? Not at all. I forgot my point.

Monet says it’s unfair to act like she was being a bitch when she wasn’t and Boobs gets all defensive and says that she doesn’t use derogatory terms like “bitch”. Monet gets all teary and runs off to cry, but not before telling Boobs she’s lucky she’s walking away. Darn. I thought there was gonna be some hair pulling and screeching, and all I get is more Monet tears.

Waaaaaaahhhhh!

Later that night, Britney decides that it might be a good idea to make nice with Boobs just in case she wins HOH again in the future. She promises that she hasn’t lied, no matter what anyone said. Boobs looks disbelieving. Or tired. Or miserable. I don’t know what that look is, but whatever it is it’s not flattering.

Less sun, more fish oil and water. And naps.

Boobs tells us that she wants Britney as an ally, so she tells her that Matt volunteered to go up as a pawn to get Monet out. Brit’s tears are instagone. She laughs and tells Boobs that Matt’s been acting super pissed that he was put up. Then she waits for Boobs’ tiny brain to start inventing, which it does. “And he says he’s gonna put me and Brendon up! I knew he was gonna do this!” Um, isn’t he supposed to act pissed? Isn’t that the point of this whole thing? Britney just keeps her mouth shut and lets Boobs get herself worked up. She starts crying and says that she told Brendon Matt was fucking with them and she was right. She decides to call a house meeting for some answers. HA! This girl is a freaking idiot and I LOVE IT. Do your best to turn the entire house against you more than they already are. Twit.

Tevya doesn’t come to the meeting cuz he’s…guess. A. Writing a Shoe Salesman Autobiography to keep his cover B. Tanning C. Jerkin while looking through a book of coupons. None of the above! He’s praying!

God must be like “dude shut the fuck up already I have a LIFE.”

Rachel tells everyone that Matt is a pawn and she feels like he’s playing both sides of the house. The evil genius is stumped. But still smiling like a jackass. Monet starts crying and yelling at Matt for playing her when this was all his idea. He says he felt strong armed by Boobs and Brendon and that he was forced to follow whatever they said. Boobs says he flat out begged to be put up and then ran to Britney and Monet to promise to go against Boobs. He stands up for himself, saying that Boobs and Brendon are in an overt alliance and everyone is gonna try to get them out. Then he asks “am I in an alliance with anyone?!” The Brigade puts their heads down in unison. Smooth. After a looong pause, PussyPussy shrugs and stutters “what the alliance? What’s that? I donna know about alliances pizza pie parmesan ciao bella principessa!”

Brendon says that Dr. Evil has shown his true colors and people will vote how they vote. Monet tells the HGs that they can vote her out for winning ten thousand bucks if they want but Matt is a liar and a really good one and he’ll screw them all if they’re not careful. Matt smiles and twitches and stuff. Chenlet comes on the big TV and asks a bunch of dumb questions. Then she shows us some clips from the haves and have nots competition. Britney laughs and laughs. No clips of her saying how personal everyone was getting by splurting in her face. Ragan says that getting splooged in the face was a typical night in West Hollywood and then surprises everyone by singing a Donna Summer tune while popping out the anal beads he’s been clenching since day one.

Chendra asks Britney how much this week sucked, and Brit says it sucked harder than Boob City putting herself through online college. Tevya is given a chance to talk about NASCAR. I mean Judaism. He says that he’s super religious and yay God and dradle dradle dradle and matza balls. Sheriff is asked a viewer question: is it harder being a sheriff or a HG. She says it’s harder being a HG cuz there’s not a drug store at every corner and she’s only got one case of mascara left. “Nice talking to with you, Houseguests!” It’s pretty stunning that with all the hours on the job, Chentilly can get so much…the same. Chental calls Boobs up to the HOH suite and Boobs looks scared.

I think that TV is talking to me.

She gives Chenriqua a Heygirlheeeeey! and laughs in that horsey way she does. She tells Chensei that Matt is a snake and she’s glad that she called him out. Then she says “Brendon and me” like five times. She thinks that she has the house on “me and Brendon’s side!” Chen asks if she’s ever fallen so hard for a guy so fast, and Boobs says she’s fallen hard on one but for one is a different story and she would take Brendon over the cash. There is nothing that pisses me off more than people in love. Well, that’s not true. Rich people in love piss me off more. Ooh rich people with hair in love. I’m getting super mad right now.

Time for the don’t evict me speeches. Monet tremble cries and speaks bad English. Matt says that he considers everyone his friends and blah. Then he calls Julie The Chenbot!! LOL!! BRILLIANT. Tevya votes out Monet, and points out that she’s got ten thousand dollars and he’s Jewish. PussyPussy votes for Monet, Britney votes for Matt, Sheriff votes out Matt, Hayden votes for Monet, Kristen votes for Monet, Ragan votes for Monet. She’s screwed. Brendon votes for Matt, obvs. Lane votes for Monet, too. And she’s out! She’s praying anyway.

Sooooo….ummmmm. This is awkward. You start.

Monet gets the hell out without even saying bye to Britney. She tells Chenlet that she already said bye and then cries her face off. She says the house made her crazy and outside she’s strong and stuff, even though she’s not as strong as she thought she was. It’s awkward, but ChenChen smiles anyway cuz she’s a pro. And a robot. Monet thinks that her winning money was an easy excuse to vote her out but she’s glad she’s got it. Chenzalez asks if she regrets talking bad about Boobs, and Monet says no. LOL. Then she talks about how up front and honest she is. Uh-huh.

In the goodbye videos, Tevya tells her off and says that she has no game. Sheriff cries and says that she loves her. Dr. Evil says she’s a casualty of war. Boobs tells her off for trying to break up “me and my man”. Then she starts rolling her head and saying that if she wasn’t a cold blooded spinster she would know how to respect a relationship. Britney cries and says she’ll miss hanging out in the backyard and talking about how high waisted Kristen’s pants are and what a ho Boob is. And remember all the the things they dreamed about doing with Boobs’ hair extensions? HAHAHAH. How many times in one recap can I shout “Long live Britney”?

HOH competition! The HGs are positioned on surf boards, which means we’ll get to see Sheriff fall! YAY! The last person standing will win HOH, but the first five to fall off their boards will be the haves. Water falls on their heads, and Tevya is already thinking way too hard. He’s shifting back and forth and repositioning himself every five seconds and doing the eleven o’clock number from his barmitzvah. Then Lane shows us why he’s worth rooting for.

Wait. He’s wearing a t-shirt under it! Jeeeeze. Never mind. He just gave me a reason not to root for him. As more water comes gushing out harder at that HGs, we are left with the sounds of “woooooo! Go Brendon! (horsey laugh). It’s gonna be a loud summer.