Big Brother: OWW! GOD!!!

Previously on Big Brother, the Brigade finally started winning some shit, thanks mostly to there being so few HGs left that competition wins are practically handed to them.  Our new HOH, Lane, nominated Gaygan and Enzo for eviction, with Gaygan again being the target.  Enzo tells us that he’s pissed that Lane didn’t put up Britney instead, and Gaygan boohoos about being the target, but notes that Enzo could be a potential ally should they both somehow survive the week.  Gee, maybe you should have thought about this whole STRATEGY thing 7 weeks ago, idiot.

“The pimples were just so DISTRACTING!”

As these people are officially boring as hell, we now get to sit through a segment about Enzo getting to take off the penguin suit.   Congratulations on getting rid of the only thing distracting us from what’s happening on the top of your head.  They all chant shun, which is some private joke that’s never been fully explained to us and therefore isn’t funny at all.  He strips off the suit, and the only thing mildly intriguing is the fact that Enzo’s clearly dropped some weight and now his arm flab isn’t draped quite as heavily on the back of the couch.

Later that night, Gaygan boohoos some more about having been too dumb to do anything other than make vicious comments about Boobs and drop TMIs about West Hollywood all season, and tells us that he needs to study his ass off to win competitions.  He does know his shit, but I dislike him so much that I can’t root for him despite the underdog status.  The talking to himself sure as hell isn’t helping.

The POV competition is the go fetch for Otev competition, which is very similar to the double eviction HOH we just had.  This year, they’ve made Otev a clam that’s having an identity crisis as a pumpkin.  Oh, and it’s a “broadway” version of Otev, so it sings and the names of the HGs/answers are written on blank CDs with a Sharpee.  We spare no expense in the Big Brother house!  And can someone explain to me what the hell a clam has to do with broadway.  Cheap and making no fucking sense.  Maybe this show is being run by one of my ex-boyfriends.

Okay, seriously, they brought Boobs back AGAIN?

After HAYDEN shocks me by puzzling out that Otev is Veto backwards, Otev explains that he will sing a song about two HGs at a time, and the correct answer will be the CD with a portmanteau of the two HGs’ names.   God I wish one of those said Boofles.  Who knew that the show was way better back when those two were slurping away?  If you bring back the wrong CD or are the last one to return, you’re eliminated.

First question is who won 10g in the first HOH and who held the DPOV — Monet and Matt, or Monatt.  Gaygan and Lane are the last two to return, and Lane schools Gaygan’s scrawny ass — even despite a sad segment of Gaygan lifting weights earlier — by racing up behind Gaygan to beat him and claim the last spot.  But not so fast — don’t forget that Lane has that whole mental retardation handicap thing working against him!  He brings back the wrong CD (Monchel), and is eliminated instead of Gaygan.  So, so dumb and not even pretty enough to make for it.  Maybe he should have spent less time drunkenly shooting possum and more time with that book learnin’.

Question two is who had hair extensions and who wore the hippietard — Boobs and Kristen, or Rasten.  Enzo returns first and Brit struggles to get up the incline to claim a spot, telling us that believe it or not, she doesn’t spend her time sliding around in KY Jelly.  After all, it’s not like she lives in West Hollywood or anything.  I really wish I could be a fly on the wall in homes with children all over the country right now.  Family show, indeed.  HAYDEN is the last to return, and he’s out.

“Mommy, what’s lube?  Can I have some?”

Question three is who won the hang-ten HOH and who was taped up the longest in that Have Not competition — Matt and Sheriff Mascara, or Mathy.  Britney is the last to return, and she’s out, meaning that one of the nominees will definitely win POV and she’s got a good chance of going up unless she lets Lane practice drilling for oil on her.

“But I don’t want to drill for oil on her!  I want to have SEX with her!”

For the final round, the question is who threw a ball at Jeff and Jordan and who keeps kosher — Sniffles and Dr. Schmekel, or Brendrew.  Enzo tells us that he knew right away where he could find a Brendrew CD, and tries to race down the KY Jelly incline.  Naturally, he eats is like he did last week during the HOH competition, and crashes right into Gaygan, who shrieks “OWWW!” and “GOD!”  I’m not going to lie — I rewound that shit at least four times and it wasn’t out of a sense of recapper duty.  It was out of pure, unadulterated pleasure.  He sounds like a goddamn cartoon character.  Gaygan’s “GOD!” could totally be the new Wilhelm Scream.

Meow Meow Pounce!

Britney, of course, shares my enjoyment and requests a slow-mo instant reply from the DR.  It’s phenomenal.  Needless to say, Enzo grabs the CD and returns first.  As he presents it to Otev, Gaygan shows his true nasty colors by hurling his CD at Otev — and it bounces off of the clam pumpkin thing and hits Enzo right in the bald spot!  HAHA.  Granted, those are both really big targets.  And by nearly crippling his competition with a full body dive, Enzo finally wins his first competition in the house!  He tells us that Gaygan has to “swallow it”, <insert too easy of a joke here> as it’s Enzo’s time now.  I imagine Enzo’s time will last as long as my weekly resolutions to stop trying to outdrink Lindsay Lohan.

Time for another boohoo session for Gaygan.  UGH shut up!  This is all your fault for being such a SUCKY player!  And now he’s talking about himself in the third person.  He is so dead to me.  Enzo sore wins for a while, and Britney and HAYDEN begin scrambling to avoid being the replacement nominee.  Britney approaches Lane first, and they flirt-argue about how he would be stupid to vote her out because she would take him to the final 2 and she’s sure that Gaygan wouldn’t take Lane to the final 2.  Now if Lane has any brains in his head, he should realize that by her admitting she would take him to the final 2, what she’s saying is that she is confident that she can beat him in the final 2.  Boot her ass out!  But this is Lane we’re talking about, so nevermind.  He banters back that he might not take her to the final 2, and she gives him the finger but they’re just flirting again so it doesn’t matter, despite the producers trying to convince us that there’s actual drama this season.

“Wait — Discovery Channel ISN’T responsible for Big Brother 12?  …  I’ve made a huge mistake.”

(Too soon?)

Meanwhile, Enzo and HAYDEN talk about how Britney should go up and possibly be backdoored.  That wouldn’t be a terrible move, but I still would get rid of Gaygan first.  The kid has spent countless hours studying and will absolutely KILL in the face-morph POV competition that’s likely coming next week.  If he wins and moves on to the final 3, he then has a good shot at the endurance round of the final HOH, as seen by the last two endurance competitions.  As of right now, he’s just more dangerous than Brit.

“What-EVER.  I will mock you so hard behind your back you… well, you won’t know, but I’ll be doing it!”

Punishment number 2 from Lane’s Pandora’s Box is that they all must use a sock puppet to talk for the next 12 hours.  Should anyone fail to comply, they all become have nots for the rest of the week.  God, the BB producers are really desperate to get some entertaining footage, huh?  Each of the puppets looks like its respective owner, but Enzo’s also has whiskers for the meow meow thing I guess.  No one breaks the rules, so we watch them all have pointless conversation for five minutes while wearing sock puppets.  In the case of Gaygan, he now has a friend for his boohoo sessions, and he creepily stares at his sock puppet while he cries.  If I were that sock puppet, I would be shitting all over that hand up my ass.  We’re saved from that debacle by a segment about how Enzo doesn’t understand the concept of golf.  I wish Elin Woods was here right now to club me with one because goddamn, this shit is painful.  Oh but wait — now it’s a segment on cleaning!  Hey guess what — guys are slobs!  The girl is cleaning!  The guys didn’t help!  I want the last 10 minutes of my life back.

Oh thank God, it’s time for Punishment number 3.  Anything has to be better than this.  They worry that it will be the most intense of the punishments, and Gaygan yet again is a huge DICK by trying to work in a Boobs insult by saying he’s scared the punishment will be a three headed version of Boobs with Sniffles’ body.  Okay, Boobs has been out of the house for weeks, you pathetic, vicious little bitch.  Do you not realize that you have managed to make yourself look worse with your constant spiteful comments and inability to let it go?!  I am so done with this kid, it’s not even funny.  The card says that it’s time to boogie (oh NO!), as for the next 12 hours, every time they hear music, they have to stop everything and dance until the music ends (PHEW!).  Gaygan looks like someone told him that he has to go bang a chick, but the rest of HGs seem to take it in stride and happily dance as the music plays.  This starts a segment of the HGs dancing throughout the day and night, which is actually fairly amusing, especially when they get caught in odd places like the DR or the shower (hey, Enzo dancing in the shower is a lot better than other things that have been happening in there).  Britney is pretty good when she’s actually trying, and Enzo’s dancing is goofy but charming in its own way.  Gaygan doesn’t ever really seem to try, so he’s hard to judge.  As for HAYDEN and Lane, they are godawful and will be relying on their roofie-slipping skills and not their booty-shaking skills the next time they’re at a bar.  In HAYDEN’s case, such an approach also helps with that whole face situation.

“Uh!  Uh!  Oh yeah!  Hey baby, how you doin?  Somebody better call God, because he’s missing an angel!  Yeah, you like that?”

Later on, Lane and HAYDEN meet to discuss the replacement nomination.  Lane says he’s okay with putting Britney up, but he’s worried Enzo will then try to vote her out instead of Gaygan.  HAYDEN makes his normal dumb/constipated  face in response, since he was also toying with the idea of getting rid of Brit.  Not like Lane notices because he’s — Lane.  Lane then goes to Britney and makes insightful comments like “yous scared of the block, ain’t yous?”  Hand this man a MENSA membership, ladies and gentlemen.  They fall back into their flirt-argue routine, although she does make a good point in that HAYDEN is in a good place to win the whole game right now as he’s won two HOHs and is liked by the jury.  Lane stupidly replies “I gots friends too!” and then crosses his arms and refuses to continue the conversation because it’s getting dark and his mommy told him he had to be home before dinner.

POV meeting time.  I honestly can’t tell whether it’s Britney or HAYDEN going up, but seeing as though Lane refused to nominate Brit in the first place, I think he might spare her again.  Enzo uses the veto on himself, and Lane nominates… HAYDEN!  Wow, I am a little surprised by that — especially if HAYDEN wasn’t fully aware it was going to happen.  Lane tells us that he truly wants to go to the end with Britney, which I think is a super dumb move.  Uh, hello, remember that blob called Enzo?  THAT’S the person you should take to the final 2!  His one accomplishment thus far this summer is winning a POV by nearly killing the token gay, who’s half his size.  I don’t know what jury will let Enzo win unless he starts pulling out more wins and FAST.  Brit, on the other hand, has won multiple POVS and an HOH, and has fought for herself throughout the majority of the game instead of riding the coattails of alliance-mates.  Dumb, dumb move.  But see again: Lane.

As for Gaygan, he says that he will try to flip the house again HAYDEN by tomorrow night.  I think that he could maybe convince either Enzo or Britney to vote to keep him, but he needs both and that seems like a really tall order.  What do you think?  Does Gaygan have a chance?  Do you want him to stay?  And is Lane making the right decision to take Britney to the final 2?

See you next week!