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We color in on Porsche announcing that the duo twist is back for the week. I know it seems like this show is fixed and all, but to all of you who think this is fixed, I say to you: Maggie. Hayden. Mike Boogie.
Also, has anyone ever chosen not to open Pandora’s Box? Not that I can remember. I think it’s required, or Alison Grodner places one of those Drag Me To Hell curses on you.
“I really regret opening Pandora’s Box,” Porsche says. In the backyard, Rachel and Jordan are ecstatic about the new twist. Mostly Rachel, since Jordan hasn’t quite put together what this means yet. She’s still working on learning how to read a clock.
“Wait, so what now?”
The long and short of it is: if either Rachel or Jordan wins the Veto, they’re both safe for the week. As a cherry on top, Shelly and Adam would be the only option to go up in their place, so they’ll be able to vote out Shelly, who just betrayed them. “If we don’t win, we’re idiots and we deserve to go home,” Jordan says. Well, if you win or not, uh…
Meanwhile, Porsche is copping to her alliance about the five thousand dollars she just won. “God, Porsche is an idiot,” the reanimated corpse of Shelly says, “she’s got more stuffing in her chest than in her head.” Okay, that’s actually not a bad line. Wait a minute, is it a good thing to have stuffing in your head? Nevermind.
In the bathroom, Porsche tells Kalia that she’s also won five thousand dollars. They agree not to tell anyone else, since that’ll just make the target on their backs larger. I’m not sure it matters, at this point. “Oh no! My target’s even bigger than Adam’s! Whatever shall I do?”
It’s finally time for the delayed Nomination Ceremony. “I really don’t care whether I get nominated or not, because the Veto is the only important thing this week,” Jordan says flatly. Is it just me, or did Jeff’s eviction turn her into a weird little emotionless commando? It’s like she doesn’t care about anything anymore, thinking only of one thing: separating Shelly’s head from her body.
“Man, I can’t wait to murder you.”
As expected, Porsche nominates Rachel and Jordan. Since it doesn’t matter, Porsche should have struck a deal with Rachel and Jordan and nominated Adam and Shelly, telling them that it would make Rachel and Jordan feel safe so they don’t try as hard during the competition. Then, they would have been good either way next week.
In response to being nominated, Rachel puts on chap stick like the crazy person you see at the bus stop all the time.
“Do you guys have any change?”
Because there are only six people left and we have to fill an hour, there’s lots of talk about having to win the veto. Rachel and Jordan have to win the veto. Adam and Shelly have to win the veto. Porsche and Kalia? Have to win the veto. This is what passes for intrigue this year, you guys. Hey, no one’s calling anyone else a Judas, so they have to do something to fill time.
Jordan and Rachel head upstairs to talk to Kalia and Porsche. Jordan, suddenly taking charge because of her new Predator persona, proposes that they work together. She tells Porsche and Kalia that they’ve been carrying Adam and Shelly through the game, and that Adam and Shelly deserve to be evicted. Working with Rachel and Jordan almost ensures a final four berth, since the other two are about as effective at competitions as, uh…two Adams.
Jordan’s final argument is even better. Allow me to boil it down to a sentence for you: “I know that Rachel is a wretched, ginger haired nightmare who is impossible to be around, but we should still work together.”
The best part was Rachel sitting two feet from her, looking impressed.
Porsche and Kalia agree to work with whomever wins the Veto. “Once Rachel and Jordan win the veto, we’ll tell them we want to work together,” Porsche says, shrugging. Do it before, guys. I mean, what’s the difference?
And now, a short play about Shelly and Jordan:
Shelly: “Good morning Jordan.”
Jordan: (intense, focused hatred)
Say what you want about Shelly, but she sort of saved the season.
And now, the scene designed to make gross people on the internet stop sending death threats and dog shit to Shelly’s home address. (Did you guys read the news story this week about Shelly’s family getting harassed? There were people calling Child Protective Services on her for kicking Jeff out of the house. Pathetic.)
“I realize that I probably went against what everybody wants for America’s Sweethearts,” Shelly says, “but I’m only in one alliance, and that’s with my husband and daughter.” Adam pretends to give a shit about Shelly’s misery, but he really doesn’t care. “Hey, if they’re all mad at Shelly, it takes the focus off of me!” he shrugs. That would have required any sort of focus to be on you in the first place.
Time for the Veto Competition! There are a bunch of dummies hanging in the back yard with the faces of the houseguests’ former partners taped to them. Today’s veto competition is endurance: you hop onto the back of your previous partner and hang on as long as you can. The last one standing wins the veto.
The competition begins. “I noticed that everyone else is using their arms, so I’m going to wrap my legs around Brendon, just like I always do!” Rachel says. That’s weird because usually you two Human Centipede each other, butt to mouth.
Hey guys, guess what? Adam’s the first one to fall off. I know! And it took him a whole four and a half minutes.
I’d say that about covers it.
Poor Cassi dummy. That jumpsuit probably reeks of cigarettes.
Jordan falls next at eight and a half minutes in. OH MY GOD, and then there’s a montage of Kalia farting. How has this show never been nominated for an Emmy?
Man, they are really struggling for material.
Shelly falls next at twelve minutes in. Yet again, Porsche and Kalia are the last ones standing for their alliance. Rachel immediately starts in with the needling, telling them she’s not going down and pointing out that they’re carrying Shadam’s weight, yet again. Then Porsche falls and it’s down to Kalia and Rachel. Kalia’s already struggling, so you know what happens: Rachel wins the veto.
So…Shelly’s going home! That’s not the worst thing that could happen. I mean, for the cigarette industry maybe, but otherwise we’re good.
Rachel: is excited.
“I’m so excited, I could cry in a plant of some sort!”
Shelly: is not very excited.
WAAAAAHHH (coughs for thirty seconds)
Jordan and Rachel (looking actually sort of attractive in the Diary Room for once. Did she have a haircut?) celebrate in the storage room. Since they’re the only two votes in the house, they get to decide who leaves, and guess what? Shelly’s donezo.
Adam whines about how awful he did to Porsche. If you pay close attention, you can actually see Porsche having trouble remembering who he is.
Kalia and Porsche try and figure out what to do about Jordan and Rachel. Kalia points out that at some point, Jordan’s going to have to get rid of Rachel if she wants to win. I’m not sure that’s true, but…okay? They’re also frustrated that Shelly and Adam don’t do anything or try in competitions. Porsche and Kalia noticed that Adam and Shelly don’t do anything, and it only took them 55 days! They should teach a class at the Adult Learning Center or something.
Shelly heads into the Have Not room to ask Jordan for five minutes and also to apologize for being the worst. Shelly begins the most aggressive apology ever, exploiting her family again and telling Jordan that she betrayed her only because she loves her family. Shelly makes a fairly genius connection between her family and Jeff: essentially, they were both doing the same thing and playing for the people that they love. I’m not saying it’s not gross, but it’s pretty smart. “I actually tortured over this decision,” Shelly says.
I actually tortured over that sentence structure.
They hug it out. Jordan’s still going to vote her wrinkled ass out, but hey: hugs for everyone!
Now that Shelly’s repaired her rift with Jordan, it’s time for her to make an attempt to stay in the house. She tells Rachel and Jordan that she will do the following: switch sides and work with them for the rest of the game, vote however they like, give away any HOH and veto competitions to them, and then go to the final three with them and lose. You read that correctly: Shelly will go to the final three and then lose on purpose. She swears all of this on her child and husband. Rachel can barely contain her disdain.
“As I mentioned last week, I am very good at hiding my emotions.”
Time for the Veto Ceremony. Porsche (who is this year’s Lane, in that she’s clearly reading everything she says off of cue cards) laments opening Pandora’s Box some more. Also: Yeah, everyone’s definitely had a haircut.
Rachel (in a new dress) takes both her and Jordan off of the nomination block. Thus, Porsche has no choice but to put up Adam and Shelly. “I’m gonna do whatever I can to stay in this house,” Adam says. Yes yes y’all, Adam will be using his vast and varied skill set to keep himself around. Expect him to do everything in his bag of tricks, from lying around on the couch to lying around on the chair.
Tomorrow night: jury house! I can’t wait.
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