Big Brother: Return of the Hack

After nominations, Enzo is pissed, which is to say that he’s slightly less boring than normal.  He vows to go after Britney if he survives the week.  Yeah, you were going to do that anyway.  I must admit, I’m very anti-Brigade and very pro Ragan/Britney.  I really don’t think any of them deserve to win anything; I think they’re all boring, do-nothing assholes.  Since we’ve had two good winners in a row (a Big Brother record!), we’re due for a lame end to this lame season.  Hell, The Brigade’s even too lazy to start a drug ring with the winnings.

“I’M NOT!  LET’S GO PLAY TAG WITH SOME RETARDED KIDS!”

“Things are going exactly as I planned them,” Matt says as if he had anything to do with what’s going on.  Britney declares that Brendon’s her target and that she’s going to fight for him to leave.  He calls her a spoiled brat.  I get the impression that Brendon’s the worst trash-talker ever.  Like, I bet he calls Britney a doo-doo head in every single one of his confessional sessions and they constantly have to edit it out.

Of course, Brendon heads into the Have Not room and starts talking aloud to Rachel, I shit you not.  “Rachel, babe, it’s just so…hard.” That’s what she said. ”It was a little easier when I had you, and now it’s just me.”

Yeah, you’re crazy.  Why do people talk to themselves so often on this show?  I don’t know, maybe being stuck in the house for weeks on end drives people crazy, but tell that to Amber and her nutso baby Jesus prayers.

Pretty soon, everyone’s going to start praying to Rachel.  Mark my words, we’ll all be burning offerings of extensions in a matter of weeks.

Enzo comes in and Brendon starts calling Britney a lying whore.  Charming!  “I saved her ass last week, and I’m pissed that she went back on our deal!”  Oh, Brendon.  You can’t be that naive and date that thing you date at the same time.  It could cause a paradox and rip a hole in our space-time continuum.  Come on man, you’re a scientist!  You want to fuck up our entire universe?  Use your noggin!

Britney retreats to the HOH (probably to be a “lying whore” some more), and Enzo wanders in looking like the New Jersey freeway hobo that he is.

“Hey, I live under a bridge!  With sex offenders!”

She starts to apologize to him for nominations, promising him absolutely that he won’t be going home.  “Britney’s word is mud to me, she’s just not trustworthy,” says the guy who tried to evict his longtime ally all week.

Downstairs, Hayden whispers (I know!  I had no idea he even knew how to do that!) to Lane that Matt will sneak into the Final Two if they don’t get rid of him this week.  Clearly, these guys are scared of him because he’s won a few competitions and they’ve done…some shouting and stuff.  At this point, The Brigade would lose a competition to a canteloupe, so I’m not sure what the difference is.

Lane takes this idea upstairs to Britney, pitching it to her with all his trademark subtlety and wit. (“You need to make a huuuuuuuuge move.  Back door Matt.”) Flawless logic, that.

“The game has started now,” Lane tells her.  Apparently he knows that the game’s been boring as shit up this year too.  Kind of makes you want to punch someone’s girlfriend, because that’s always hilarious, AM I RIGHT?

This is why Lane shouldn’t talk.

Players are chosen for the veto competition.  Because there are only seven people in the house, poor Ragan is the only one left out and has to host, which sucks because I would like to lobby for the Zingbot to host every competition.  I’m serious.  That guy was awesome.

The backyard is decorated as “the BB zoo”, and if you think that theme has even the tinest relation to the content of today’s challenge, you would be wrong.  They may as well have decorated the backyard like a West Hollywood bathhouse.

Each houseguest will start with fifty “veto points” (because that’s what happens in a zoo, you see), and Ragan will present ten opportunities to the houseguests; some are punishments (which will add points to your score) and some are rewards (which will subtract points from your score).  The houseguest with the highest number of points wins the veto.  Brendon (who already very obviously has his head shaved in his Diary Room), tells us that he plans on taking as much punishment as possible in order to win, and we know the dude can take some punishment since he’s spent all that time around Rachel without cracking (rimshot!).

Oh, and Ragan’s going to host the competition from inside the house, so none of the houseguests know who took the rewards. He still has to wear the safari hat, though.

Gay safaris are probably an untapped tourist market.

Who is willing to take a chum bath every hour for twenty-four hours?  That would be Brendon.

Who’s willing to handcuff themselves to another houseguest for a day?  Brendon again.  The editing keeps all this a secret, but we’re going to dispense with that, because: why?

Who’s willing to give up six points for a phone call from home?  Lane, because he secretly wants Brendon to win the veto but also mostly because he’s an idiot.

Who’s willing to be a have not for the next three weeks?  Also Brendon.

If you’re a guy, you shave your head, if you’re a girl you must dye your hair pink.  Guess who?  Brendon!  (Hayden refuses to shave his hair, because he’s really enjoying the Goomba from Super Mario looks he’s been rocking.)

Mad props to Nick the Intern for this one.

Who is willing to wear a penguin outfit for a week for?  Enzo, because he is homeless and could use something for job interviews.

Who’s willing to give up points for a Hawaiian vacation?  Hayden!  He takes it gleefully.  “I DON’T REALLY CARE IF BRENDON STAYS!”  I dislike Hayden most of all, I think.  That whole alliance really deserves to go down in flames for being do-nothing fuckarounds, but Hayden most of all.

Who wants a Have Not pass (to get out of slop for a week)?  No one, it turns out.

How many veto points are you willing to give up for five grand in cash?  Hayden, the lazy fuck, bets all of his points and takes the prize, because he is useless.  I realize that he wants Matt to leave and all so it doesn’t really matter, but: what a jerk.

Who is willing to give all their clothes to charity for 13 points?  That would be Enzo, mostly because he’s already homeless and doesn’t have that many clothes to begin with.

No one wants your Meow-Meow t-shirt.  Now go hitch a ride on a boxcar and get into a bumfight.

As the punishments and rewards are revealed, Britney grows ever more pissed that people have actually opted to take the prizes.  She does get to watch Ragan shave Brendon’s head, however.

Happy Birthday, Flipit!

“Private Toolbag, reporting for duty,” Matt says.  Those who live in glass toolbags shouldn’t throw stones, Matt.  Especially because you’ll need to use the one hand that’s not down your pants.

Gross.

Brendon also gets to pick who he’ll be handcuffed to, and he chooses Britney for “bonding time”, but probably so he can call her a lying whore some more.  And while Enzo ended up taking the penguin suit and donating all his clothes to charity, he still ends up behind Brendon, who wins the veto and gets to stay another week.

Britney, predictably, loses her shit over this turn of events, retreating to the HOH room to cry.  Meanwhile, the Brigade and Brendon try to guess who took the prizes in the Veto competition.  Enzo is absolutely convinced that Matt took the money and the vacation, growing more and more bitter while Hayden watches, saying nothing.

“THIS IS MY SUBTLE FACE.”

Finally, Lane offers to head upstairs to comfort Britney  (who dismisses Matt and Ragan from the HOH room so she can talk to him).  Britney unloads on Lane, correctly accusing him and his lazy ass friends of taking the prizes since they’d rather have Matt out of the house.  She also points out that they have fucked her over but good, because Brendon will be coming after her.  “I feel so used,” she continues, on a hot streak.  “You guys are using me to do all your dirty work.”  That’s a win, right there.  Now, do something about it!  Nominate Hayden in Brendon’s place!  DO IT!

She even correctly deduces that Hayden won the money and the vacation, even though Lane tries to convince her that Matt took them, so good for her.  Britney cries harder while Lane promises her that she won’t be leaving next week, even though he is most definitely lying .  Britney or Regan is most definitely leaving on Thursday (with the other following next week), which will break my heart and leave me with nothing to recap for the next three weeks but boring trashy dudes with black holes where their personalities should be.

“I like Britney, but my loyalty is to the Brigade.”  Man, she is so screwed.

Next week is going to suuuuuuck.  More than usual for this season, I mean.

Later, Britney enters the HOH room and discovers Pandora’s Box waiting for her.  The television screen shows her a person-sized box emblazoned with a question mark.  ”Big Brother knows the game can be stressful,” she reads from the envelope.  “How would you like one hour of advice with a houseguest from a previous season?”  She thinks advice from a Houseguest is good for her, which means that something bad will happen to the house.  But what she does not know is: fucking Jessie.

Go to hell, Grodner.  I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.

Jesus H. Beiber, it’s just my luck that I’d draw this episode.  Somewhere on the West Coast, Flipit laughs uproariously at me.  Then he begins frantically masturbating.

Sigh.  Well, let’s power through this.  So, guess the fuck what?  Jessie acts like a stupid dick for an hour.  I know you are shocked.

Seriously, with the glitter?

To her credit, Britney tries to ignore him and watch the other houseguests enjoy a margarita party in the backyard, but she cannot: she is trapped in the room for an hour while Jessie gives her workout advice.  Training montage!

Okay, so this three seconds was actually pretty funny.

I hear you.

Seriously, why is it that Jessie will not leave me alone to recap in peace?  He’s, like, the Big Brother equivalent of Russell Hantz.  He even has all the same neuroses and personality disorders.  (Tangent: If that Boston Rob versus Russell rumor turns out to be true, you can kiss my ass goodbye.  All you will see is a Wile E. Coyote-style cloud of dust where I used to be standing, not even kidding.)

When Britney is finally released from her steriod-addled prison, she gathers the houseguests in the living room and tells them all about it in a not-at-all-staged recap of events.  When Britney gets to the part about how terrible the person in the room was, Ragan hilariously goes “Ugh, NATALIE?” without even hesitating.  (Tangent #2: Why all the Natalie hate?  I mean, she sucked and all, but Lydia was WAY WORSE.) The Houseguests get a good laugh at the idea of Britney being trapped in a room with Jessie, but it mostly serves to make me realize that there’s not even anyone good to hate this year.  I hate these people for being boring, not for being assholes.  It’s not even fun.

Brendon and Britney head to the Diary Room to be handcuffed.  The handcuffs are fuzzy.  How is it punishment to be handcuffed to Britney?  She’s gorgeous, she’ll keep you entertained, and you’ll always have someone to make fun of others with.  Sign me up!

IN.

Since Britney is handcuffed to him, she gets dragged into another of Brendon’s punishments: he has to take a chum bath every hour, so now Britney gets dragged into the backyard, too.

“Help! It’s the Creature From The Boring Lagoon!”

“The chum bath isn’t actually that bad,” Brendon says, blathering on for years and years about fish guts.  Britney’s response?

Word.

The next day (after Britney and Brendon have been freed from each other) Matt heads up to the HOH room to try and talk Britney out of nominating him.  Britney tells him that she won’t put up Lane or Ragan, so her only options are Matt and Hayden (Put up Hayden!  Kick him out!  DO IT!).  It is here that Matt gets the foolish idea to try and have Ragan put up, since he still thinks that The Brigade is loyal to him, because he is an idiot.

Of course, Britney just sees his attempt to have Ragan put up on the block as disloyalty, because she still foolishly thinks that there are no alliances this season.  This season’s Big Brother house exists in a magical Reality TV Opposite World where only friendships matter.  It’s a world full of unicorns and Skittles, where people get thrown over the bus instead of under it and everyone is always saying, “I’m most definitely here to make friends.”

We never really see her consider putting up Hayden, which makes me think the editing must be pretty heavy here.  I mean, the girl is not dumb: she hasn’t been shown to be especially close to Hayden, so why not try and put him up?  I guess Matt’s done nothing but dig a hole for himself since the veto competition, but still.  This all seems kind of fishy.  But welcome to Big Brother, I guess.

Lane pours salt on the wound when he tells Britney that Matt’s been bugging him to go upstairs and lobby for Ragan to be evicted.  The whole Brigade follows him in, with Hayden wandering in to bother her (throw a turtle shell at him!) and then Enzo hobo-ing his way around the HOH room.  Have I mentioned that they guy looks like a hobo?  Because he does.  Look like a hobo, I mean.

“Man, I can’t wait to win HOH so I can get some Mad Dog 20/20.  I’m gonna head downstairs and make some chili out of an old boot, you want some?”

Britney heads into the backyard to tell Ragan all about the people trying to throw him under the bus.  Ragan, who’s no dummy (except when it comes to Matt), knows that he and Britney are following Matt right out the door.

Time for Brendon to use the veto.  While everyone waits in the backyard for Brendon to summon them, Ragan catches Britney’s attention and mouths at her, asking silently if Matt betrayed him.  When she nods her head yes, Ragan sits stoically, devistated.  When Brendon finally calls them all in and takes himself off of the block, Britney is classy enough to congratulate him for giving it his all in the Veto competition before sticking Matt up on the block without much fanfare.  Unsurprisingly, Matt does not look happy about it.  Way to go, diabolical super genius!

Tomorrow: double eviction!   I’m all for it.  Let’s get this shitty season over with as quickly as possible.