Big Brother: RIP Boofles

Previously on Big Brother, Gaygan sucked at sabotage, Boobs sucked at grammar and Sniffles sucked at life.  Tonight Boobs and Sniffles are both up on the block, mercifully ending the reign of one of the worst BB couples ever.

“These chairs are getting between me and MY MAN!”

Chenbot greets us wearing some of Dr. Will’s scrubs as a giant blue tent, suggesting that someone failed to execute the de-bloat program after she refueled at Chipotle this afternoon. Or is it an old man’s cardigan with a mock matching tshirt underneath?  Seriously, who style the Bot tonight?  This is heinous.  She tells us that it’s “deja vu all over again” (FAIL) because like last week, a couple is about to be broken up.   We then rewatch Sniffles’ pathetic attempt at being anything other than a sack of tears and insecurities, in the form of his super ridiculous POV meeting speech.  We color in with Gaygan passively aggressively calling Sniffles a Neanderthal by comparing him to a scene in The Cable Guy.  Come on, Gaygan, just say it directly to his face!  What’s Sniffles going to do?  Whine louder?  And next time, pick a word that Lane can understand so that he doesn’t have to spend the next three days asking everyone who this Neanderthal guy is and if he was a member of one of those brigade things he’s learned about.

Les always likes it when we play doctor.  Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Britney goes over and gives Boobs a hug, and ignores Sniffles’ “I don’t get a hug?” sarcastic remark.  Although he might have really just wanted a hug.  We know how much he likes those.   Brit tells us that Sniffles is a disgusting human being and the spawn of Satan, which I find insulting to the actual spawn of Satan.  They don’t deserve being lumped in with this idiot!  Sniffles tells us that he’s happy to take a dive for Boobs, as she very well be his wife and mother of his children.  Oh God, can you imagine Boofles’ children???  “Susie, can we play stripper scientist with you?  “No one comes between me and MY CHEM SET!”  “Mooooooom, Susie won’t let Tim and I play stripper scientist with her!  Susie isn’t treating Tim and I with character and integrity!  I want an apology!”  “Would you kids just STFU already?  Mommy’s got a headache from all the tequila.  Talk to Daddy.”  “Daddy’s watching Beaches and told us not to bother him.  I think he’s crying again.”  “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

Boobs takes Sniffles in the storage room, and fails to hide her excitement while lying and saying she doesn’t know whether to be mad at him.  Come on.  Boobs is shitting herself in delight.  She tells us in that fake-crying voice that she can’t believe that Sniffles did this for her — even though he’d been saying all week that he would make the house evict him over her — and Sniffles tells us that he’s “in love” and doesn’t care that giving up a shot at $500,000 makes him a gigantic idiot.  Oh sweetie, being an idiot is the least of your problems.

“Even better than those Japanese business men with their company credit cards!”

After warning her to check the bitchiness at the storage room door, Sniffles sends Boobs back out into the house to play the victim.   She finds Britney first, listens to Brit’s rant about how Sniffles is classless and doesn’t like women, and then fake cry-talks about how shocked and upset she is by his behavior.  I love me some Britney just like everyone else, but she can’t really think that Sniffles is some sort of misogynist, right?  All he wants to do is give girls pedicures, discuss feelings and cuddle.  I’m embarrassed for her that she’s letting Sniffles get to her so much.

Britney then goes and talks to Lane, Enzo and HAYDEN of the Duhgrade about Sniffles, the second coming of Evel Dick, but she stomps away after a quick rant.  The guys chuckle about how clever they are, and how two scientists couldn’t even figure out “the law of fizz-icks in this house!”  The reason why no one’s noticed you idiots is that you all suck SO bad at competitions that you’ve never had any power or had to make any decisions!  That’s like me sitting here congratulating myself on getting away with being a serial killer, when I haven’t actually killed anyone.  HAHA, I can’t believe no one’s noticed that I’m totally murdering people in my head!  I am awesome!

“We’s like the center of gravity — wes do nuthin and just sit here and look bald, dirty and dumb!  BRI-BRI-BRIGADE!!!”

Meanwhile, Matt is doing what he does best by sticking his hand down his pants and holding court in HOH.  His guest is Gaygan, still pissed about Sniffles’ speech.  Get over it!  Their talk makes it sound like Sniffles is now the target, but this is starting to feel like a typical over-the-top BB misdirection.  There’s only so many times I can be told it’s Sniffles before I become convinced it’s Boobs.

Later that night, Boobs goes and talks to Gaygan and Britney, trying to secure votes and perhaps make a few friends should she survive the eviction.  Gaygan isn’t having it though, and tells her that she has been the common denominator in all the house theatrics, and he doesn’t really want to be her friend because of it.  While I much prefer this Gaygan to his sassy gay in West Hollywood shtick, what has gotten into him lately?  If his saboteur assignment was to get some balls, then I approve.  He flat-0ut tells Boobs that she isn’t a good sport, and she — what else? — cries and flees.  Sniffles, seeing this, then comes stomping over, Boobs’ delusional knight in a cable-knit sweater.

Sniffles demands to know what Gaygan’s problem is, but rather than listening to what Gaygan says, Sniffles yells “fuck you!” while Britney goes back to being awesome while loudly yawning.  Sniffles accuses Gaygan of stabbing Boobs in the back (can’t blame him, those funbags are like insta-shield), and Gaygan calmly asks how he did that.   Which is hilarious, because it makes Sniffles stop dead in his tracks and grasp for an example, and then stutter out some more nonsense about the Matt/Gaygan alliance.  As Britney begins giggling, Sniffles keeps pursuing this ridiculous argument, ignoring that it’s going down faster than Boobs during one of her shifts at the nightclub.  Gaygan responds to my earlier request to just insult Sniffles directly, and calls him a Neanderthal to his face.  Sniffles’ comeback?  A pronunciation lesson!  Britney’s peals of hysterical laughter are likely drowned out by viewers’ laughter on their couches at home.  Seriously? Sniffles then backs that up by telling Gaygan that he’s “LA to the T.”  Uh, what?  What the hell does that mean?  And what does that make Sniffles?  Minneapolis-St. Paul?  Savannah?  Augusta?

“Fuck you, you back-stabbing, no-good Houston!”

The “fight” breaks up shortly after that, with Sniffles stomping away, hopefully at least somewhat aware of what an idiot he came off as.  Britney follows him, mocking his tough-guy walk and looking like a wind up toy tottering across the yard.  Hahaha.  Sniffles tells everyone that he will win HOH and go after Gaygan, Britney and Matt, and I can’t decide who looks the least concerned.  Britney continues to mock him and he delivers a devastating blow by telling her she’s short.  First Matt, now Britney.  Is that like Sniffles’ go-to insult?  He might want to revise that.

“Ohhhh is that your Santa Fe walk, SHORTY?”

After things calm down, the Duhgade — again without Matt, who really should be reevaluating this alliance’s loyalty and value to him — meets to rehash the events and discuss who to evict.  At first they seem ready to evict Sniffles, but then they put their brain power together and begin thinking like one decent player, realizing that it might be smarter to keep him as he has no friends and isn’t as good at competitions.  So for now, it looks like Boobs’ head will roll tonight.  More so than the normal amount when she talks.

After a commercial break, we join Gaygan in the Diary Room, where he is getting his next lameass saboteur task.  After rejecting a suggestion of freezing Britney’s bikini (yawn), he decides to accept the suggestion that he convince the other HGs that the evicted person this week won’t be leaving the house.  And by “convince” I mean that he or the producers make another stupid video.  This has got to be the easiest $20,000 anyone’s ever made.  At least Annie had to get off her ass and sneak through a crowd of people to lock the storage room door!  Anyway, the video says that the evicted houseguest may not really be leaving, and Boofles of course is super excited while the house panics.  This is so dumb, not just for the obvious reasons but because if the sab keeps lying (first by saying she wasn’t nominated when she was, and now by saying the evicted HG won’t go home when I’m sure they will), the sab is going to become a big of a joke to the HGs as it is to the viewers.  Stop crying wolf, sab!

“I don’t know about wolves, but I like me some bears!  That’s just a typical Saturday night in West Holly— Oops.”

Time for Chenbot to chat awkwardly with the HGs.  It’s lame and not worth recapping, other than to note Matt’s mistake of saying “the risk was not worth the reward” in regards to Pandora’s Box instead of the other way around, and Chenbot’s awkward moment of silence as that did not compute with the HG chat algorithm.  Chenbot then asks each HG to name the most underrated player, and Gaygan gets the majority of the votes, with Britney coming in second. Looks like they won’t be flying under the radar for too much longer.  Matt, however, votes Sheriff Mascara, perhaps having misheard the question and thinking Chenbot asked for the name of the lowest-rated player.

And now we get to meet the other girl whose wardrobe has been ruined by the flood of Sniffles’ tears.  Turns out this manly stud has been engaged, and his ex-fiance is a super cute girl named Candice.  Unsurprisingly, it was Candice who called off their engagement about six months, sick of him trying to change her — so she says, as she swigs from her mother’s wine glass and watches Boofles canoodle on TV.  No judgment — they drive me to drink, too.  Candice is on Team Boobs tells us that Sniffles was an emotional wreck and drained the life out of her so Boobs better be careful, while her mother informs us that he lived with them for 8 months (seriously, could this man get MORE sexy?) and that the whole family is relieved that she didn’t wind up with him.  Me too.  That applies to pretty much any woman.  Except Ratalie.

“There were only so many times he could call me a Cincinnati Petite-Section Ho before the wedding was off.”

We are spared Chenbet’s interview with current HOH Matt, and jump straight into the live vote.  I still think Boobs is leaving, although I’d much rather it be Sniffles.  Boobs’ speech is short and sincere, albeit pretty standard, but Sniffles’ is yet again ridiculous.  I had seen on a live feed coverage website that Matt’s suitcase had been rifled through, so when Sniffles begins his speech by talking about how BB can’t go through their things, at first I think he’s about to try to play the Diamond Power of Veto — or at least tell everyone that Matt has it.  But it’s silly of me to get my hopes up that Sniffles would ever do anything even remotely interesting.  Sniffles then suddenly drops that train of thought and gushes over Boobs for a moment before refocusing and comparing himself to a victim of the Salem Witchcraft trials.  That is, if the witches of Salem had earned being burned at the stake by competing on a reality TV show, forming an alliance within the first few days, and then acting like arrogant jackasses.  Chenbot cuts him off before he can spout more inanity, although he promises he will seek vengeance should Boobs be evicted.  Presumably by whining even louder the next time he loses a competition.

Let’s vote.  Unsurprisingly, it’s an unanimous 6-0 vote to evict Boobs.  She leaves quickly, only saying goodbye to Sniffles and thankfully in  a subdued way.  I hope this is the last time we have to hear him say “I love you!” in that pleading tone of his.  As she gets mic’d up to talk to Chenbot, Sniffles warns the others that they better be ready, while removing his pants in the living room.  Is he going to throw feces?  How great would that be?!

“My poop’s big enough to ride ‘Space Mountain’!  Are you?  I DON’T THINK SO, PORTLAND DWARF!”

For the goodbye interview, Boobs says she’s not shocked at all because the HGs were scared of her as a competitor.  That’s half of it…  Boobs keeps the annoying laugh in check for most of the interview, but does let it fly at the end when Chenbot asks her about Boofles’ future.  Boobs claims that she will move to LA, but if she does, it will be for TV and not for Sniffles.  As for the goodbye messages, they’re fairly lame as the HGs realize they’re talking to a jury member at this point in the season and that it would be stupid to antagonize her any more than they already have.  Matt and Enzo compliment her competitiveness, HAYDEN tells her that Boofles will be worth more than $500,000, and Sniffles sniffles through his goodbye.  Only Britney keeps it somewhat interesting by doing an impression of Boobs by shouting out words like Vegas and tequila.  At first Boobs seems pissed, finally realizing that Britney’s impressions are not affectionate, but then she smiles at the end so God knows if she ever figured that out.  And with that Chenbot sends her packing to the jury house, but with the cryptic statement that this might not be the last Boobs sees of the BB house.  Hmm, any ideas guys?  Will Boobs — or some other HG — return this season?  They did start with 13 players instead of the expected 14…

HOH competition!  It’s a physical competition, where the HGs have to crawl over and under a series of ropes while attached to a long rope that they need to pull along with them and keep untangled.  The first HG to make his or her way clear of the rope obstacle with an untangled rope and buzz in wins HOH and gets to pick the three Have Nots.  Let me just say, it’s a lot less interesting than it sounds and is a poor man’s Survivor challenge.  And wtf is up with the barnyard music and chicken feathers?  Is this competition in Sheriff Mascara’s honor?

Not like she stands a chance.

So we’re yet again not finding out who the new HOH is until Sunday.  It looked like HAYDEN was in the lead at the end of the episode, but Sniffles was diving in and out of the rope puzzle like a mad man.  Can Sniffles win and seek revenge for Boobs’ questionable honor?  If he doesn’t, is he for sure going to be turning the jury house into a love den?  Will Matt use the Diamond Power of Veto?  And we anyone else miss the drama that Boofles gave this slow season?  See you next time!